Friday, September 21, 2012

The 10K, challenges and problems getting to Seattle.

I finished the 10K of the Terry Fox. They closed the race when Cheryl finished her 5K. The participation ribbons were gone. The organizer drove back to let me know the road wasn’t closed anymore. I went faster the second 5K, ending at 2 hours 45 minutes.

Thanks to the six people who sponsored me for the Terry Fox run: Alex M, Sarah, Kate, Lene, Cheryl, and two anonymous donations. Due to the whole run being done by volunteers, there is no overhead fees so all the money goes to cancer research, treatment and quality of life.

We are having an odd heat wave here, up to 30 C. in many places, so I got quite sunburned, even with lotion. I think Linda must have as well. I wore a ‘Sweet and Toxic’ top over a sports bra. I have a plan and plan to reverse the edema mostly by creating only muscle mass and no fat. To get my natural body fat down to 8 or 9%, something ‘unhealthy’.

It is hard to know what is healthy when your own GP won’t see you and is a pout due to my not dying and getting off his list like his other palliative patients. So no exams, or blood tests or anything at all. It is why I am leery of taking more pain pills; if something goes wrong, how can I feel it if I am over pain medicated?

Being in this twilight place makes me act like it doesn’t matter what I do. It does. I pay the price, which might be passing out all the time, or falling asleep and not waking for 22 hours. But when no one shows any concern at all, then what difference does it make? If I can figure how to live with a heart that can never be recorded without 30-50% erratic beats and no one cares one way or another, then why should I? Same with breathing, with bleeding, with overheating, with everything. If people around can be cranky, irritable, silent, surly and they don’t feel every off beat of their heart and don’t have feelings of drowning every few minutes or reflexive gasps because I mentally forgot to breathe, then why smile?

I do smile, and try to not raise my voice, I am mild at last because for others nasty is a luxury, while I have a wall of hard and cruel and anything which can see beyond that is something to smile about. And when I can’t see beyond, then I just fake it. Regardless of religion, or even atheist or agnostic, the goal of reaching the aspect of love in our interactions is a goal; not to those who ‘deserve’ it but to see the best possible in everyone. As famous atheist Thomas Jefferson said, “Every human being must be viewed according to what it is good for. For not one of us, no, not one, is perfect. And were we to love none who had imperfection, this world would be a desert for our love.”

We are jammed on funds, having so much to pay off from the ‘lean years’ that though we can go to Seattle the next week, because it is technically high season and rooms are $140+, I don’t know if that is going to work or not. It sucks. But if life wasn’t hard all the time, unrelenting for years, then…….. (shouldn’t there be a lesson here?).

Blogger has put in the ‘new’ interface which takes me four times as long to try and get things look as they used to – it is ‘better’ and the choice to go back has been eliminated. Joy.
Sometimes I choose to do what is hard, because what I live in already almost unbearable; I want to know what can be bourne.


Neil said...

It was nice of the organizer to let you know the course was to be opened again. I'm sorry that I couldn't afford to donate this time; I'll try harder next time to be less broke.

Face the world on your terms, dear. If you have to sleep, do so. But raise your voice when you need to; I believe that your voice should be heard.

Love and zen hugs,

Anonymous said...

if it helps I love you, in the quiet when youre alone and struggling, I do love you and Ill be popping in and out- giving you as much of a hug as you can stand
for you both

JaneB said...

Well I'm glad no one ran you over after the road was closed... clearly acting nice is working on the traffic too... :-)

You never cease to amaze, my dear; gentle virtual hugs and support coming your way.

Anonymous said...

Dear Beth,
it's me, SharonMV - don't know if my google ID is working, so I'll post as anonymous. Our computer crashed and we had to get a new drive & lost some of our info. I'm hoping my photos & scans of my work will be retrieved.

I'm so amazed & proud of you for doing the 10K again & raising money for cancer research.

It's hard to have so many symptoms to deal with. Things that are scarey, painful & upsetting, but just have to deal with them because they've been going on so long. Other people just get used to that being you. If you want to scream & rant sometimes, be scared or tired of the pain, you can e-mail me. I'm silent & fake it sometimes. You have a great motive, to be mild. That quote from Jefferson speaks to me. But, you, I love you so much, I can deal with the less gentle Beth. Besides, then I would have something that I'm good for.

Love, Sharon

Elizabeth McClung said...

Thanks Neil, Jill and Jane. Onward, eh?

Sharon: Google seems to want me to hand over all my phones, wallet, etc - I keep hitting, 'okay' when the spaces are blank and it keeps working but yes, the morph of google is kind of scary.

True enough of having to deal with stuff whether it is scary or not, or want to or not.

Raccoon said...

I thought I had a couple of days to reply to this one before you posted your next one. I know, bad on me.

I completely missed your last post. Completely & entirely. Can you still take pledge money?

And shame on your doctor! To think that you would just roll over and give up! Maybe he thinks that if he ignores you you'll go away?

He doesn't know you too well, does he? (Think of Tweety Bird saying that)

Anonymous said...

OK - I,m gonna try this again... google keeps eating my comments...

I am so proud of you! You are the most determined person I know with the biggest heart! Seeing the effort you put out to complete the 10K was incredible.

I am so disgusted with VIHA, Beacon and the whole medical community as they continue to fail you. There are some wonderful, caring people like RB but for the most part they are apathetic at best and actively harmful at worst.

I have huge issues with a medical establishment that feels it is alright to send any human the message "Why aren't you dead yet?"