Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Last lost

In throwing over things in order to survive I threw too many essentials.  It is hard to eat.  I am relieved.  Perhaps it can be over soon.  There comes a time when not dying isn't the same as living.  Liiving in a fog.   It is cool enough inside to let the shock take over.  Thank you for the kindness, the gummies, the postcards, letters, gift and I am sorry that when ever I leave, now or in a little while, I will be endebted.  I've spent so long terrified; I can't remembering going to sleep or waking when I wasn't afraid. 

31 comments:

Lorna, Bob and Liam said...

Beth, you have always lived your life at the maximum intensity. Staying with us is admirable; moving to the next part of your journey, whatever it is, is understandable and natural.

So sorry for your fears... sending love and hope to hold you close in caring arms.

Much love from Lorna, Bob and Liam

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry you are so frightened. I wish I could be with you.

You have given me much to think about and consider. Because of you I am seriously considering Hospice as a career. I want to be 'the good nurse'.

I will hold you and Linda in my thoughts and prayers.

If I could will that you pass over peacefully, I would.

Love
Bonnie (from Columbus)

Anonymous said...

I love you. If it is time for you to fly away then I will miss you terribly.

Cheryl

Lene said...

If this is the time, fly. I will miss you, my friend. I love you. I'm holding you in my thoughts, there with you.

Tobi said...

I wish that you could just simply never have to be afraid again, of anything. I am sorry you have never had enough of what you need, from anyone, myself included. Everyone deserves a safe place. Thank you for offering yourself up to all of us. I pray for a reprieve for you, but only if it can be a good one with some joy in it. Thank you Beth. Peace, and gratitude.

Devi said...

You needn't be sorry, for anything. Wishing you peace.

JaneB said...

I love you, my friend, and think of you always. I wish I could take the fear away!

Baba Yaga said...

I'm sorry you're afraid: it's a truly horrible way to live. Or just not die. If I could bring you safety and comfort, I would.

If it's time for you to journey on, godspeed: you've more than earned your rest. I'll miss you selfishly, and be glad to have known you, o thoughtful teacher and generous friend.

If it proves not so, then I hope that giving yourself permission to rest allows you to come back to us refreshed. You've had little enough of refreshment, these hard years.

Endebted? Not to me. You give richly, Beth, my dear. If the silly world only values things measured in £.s.d., we both know better. Let that burden drop, for it isn't yours.

Penelope said...

I will miss you if you are correct and this is your time. I don't think you are endebted at all to any of us, whether friends, readers, or anything. I know I've learned so much from you and you have given so much to many of us, whether in words or objects.

I wish you peace and a break from your fears before your death, even for just a short time.

Thank you for the years of tears, laughter, fighting, and sharing that you gave us all.

Anonymous said...

you are in my heart love is forever..Dont worry youll be home soon

Peace
Jill

Anonymous said...

Beth, you are simply amazing and your strengths and perseverance will forever be in our hearts.

Love and Hugs to you

K

GirlWithTheCane said...

I'll never forget you, Beth. Be peaceful, my friend.

Much love,

Sarah

Aly said...

I have followed you for years and love you still, and know I'm holding your hand from afar.

Neil said...

Beth me luv:

When you are afraid, think of all of us who love you, and imagine we're all with you, holding you, protecting you from whatever scares you. We would be, if we could, you know.

Please do not be afraid of not waking up. I'm sure whatever's waiting for you will be better than most things here. Except Linda, of course. She'll miss you, and we will miss you, but we all know that you will be in less pain, without discrimination, and in a place where you are loved.

You need have no regrets over what you have done, and from where I stand, you have no debts owing. Indeed, you have given us far, Far, FAR more than we have given you.

Linda: if this is Beth's time, please also imagine me there holding YOU, for you need as much strength and courage as Elizabeth, your lawful wedded wife.

Much peace, much love and many zen hugs to you both,
Neil

Neil said...

Oh, and if it's possible to blog from "the other side," I know who'll be the first do to it! It'll be you, Elizabeth McClung.

Again, peace, love, and hugs,
Neil

Neil said...

Beth, you will be missed by hundreds of people, most of whom you've never met. To haved lived and loved in a way that you're going to be remembered and missed is one of the best ways a person can live.

Maryanne, stealing Neil's login

Anonymous said...

Beth,

I love your blog since I came over from Dave Hingsburgers Rolling around in my head.

You gave me so much insights and understanding even though I never commented...

Thank You For Your Work and Life!!!

Julia from Germany

SharonMV said...

Dear Beth,
I love you. You have always given so much through your writing and the postcard project, the special gifts you sent. But you, your spirit & determination, and the friendship you so freely offered are very remarkable gifts. I am glad & grateful to have a friend like you. You owe no one.

i hope the fog will lift and you can have some more good days yet, with out so much fear. Whenever you go, I will miss you and I will remember you.

Sharon

Kate J said...

Beth, I remember you once quoting Dylan Thomas, saying you "rage, rage against the dying of the light"... we hear a lot these days about people wanting the 'right to die' and hearing how brave they are. You want the right not only to live, but to LIVE!

Beth, I wish you a long, happy, and joyful life, full of energy and beauty, fun and fulfillment - and if fate and the deficiencies of the healthcare system deny you those, I wish you love and peace, for as long as you are able to go on.

A dear friend of mine died, of a brain tumour, earlier this week. He fought to the end, he wanted to live, to get back to climbing, to being in the open air, to spending time with his kids, but it wasn't to be. Thinking of him, and thinking of you too today. NDY!

Love & peace
Kate

Kita said...

Thank you for the update, Linda.

Beth, thinking of and praying for you. Please dont be afraid - I know it is easier said than done, but you are going Home. And I know that the Father has an excellant place for you.

You are loved - by me, your friends and by Linda. Please be at peace in the knowledge that you have touched so many people with your wisdom and beauty.

God bless.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Linda! We love you both!
Neil
sneaking online at work

SharonMV said...

Thank you Linda. Thinking of you both all the time. Now I will cry again - happy tears this time. All my love to you & Beth & hope for some days at the the park feeding the squirrels and other adventures.

Sharon

l said...

Thaks for the update, Linda... and thanks for sticking around, Beth.

We'll all keep watching, learning,and loving, as long as you are able and willing.

Lorna, Bob and Liam

Devi said...

Thanks for the update, Linda! You and Beth are in my thoughts.

Elizabeth McClung said...

stroke friday, saturday, internal bleeding, bleeding within extremities, fever, body not absobing food

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you.

Kate from UK

Neil said...

Your body may be playing party tricks, dear Beth, but you are loved and admired by many, MANY people. Sleep well, and may you dodge the pain for a couple of days.

Love and zen hugs,
Neil

Lene said...

thinking of you, sweetie. Wishing I was there to help you and Linda, even if only to hold your hands.

Lorna, Bob and Liam said...

Still thinking, caring, observing... we are holding you both in our hearts.

Much love,

Lorna, Bob and Liam

Anonymous said...

be strong guys love and keep on as best you can..

hugs
Jill

Kokoro said...

Your writings and life have given so many people hope. I hope your translation to the next path is as smooth as possible, and that the next cycle brings you so much more joy, happiness and health.