Friday, April 20, 2012

embers and ashes, plus things that I'd miss

On the weekend, I could put energy and care so Linda could come home or spend the energy taking care of myself (the cough, fever, fluids). I chose the former, on the hopes that she would get some workers to care for me.


I had a fever, and fluid building in my lungs. It was a fever which would not break, and high at night, going day after day. What worried me most was that I stopped peeing, and then, later, days later, what little I peed only came out clear, whether I had eaten and drunken or not.


I was up on Wednesday, and ate, but the pee was still clear, but the fever finally broke, which as it was around 103, was a relief. I slept, for 36 hours, able only to sip a little water, a couple times. I have burned my enercise and reserve of the reserve away. I am living off of what is under the cushioins of the couch and below the seat in the car.  It is all embers and ashes of embers to fire me now.


Linda was using my walker, but has one to fit her, and soon a scooter, for her to go and get groceries. Her boss said she could work at home, but the same union which, after a year, has yet to give her 1 hour paid sick leave or holiday said ‘no work without a doctor’s note’. So, once Linda had recovered some days, she took the walker and had to go to get a doctor’s note in a taxi, because if she is NEVER sick we just almost make the rent (but not this month). But after Sakura-con, after costs, after a week ill, after needing a new air con but the money comes from the Tax Refund, which has yet to be finished…..

However, the time in hospital, the operations were free - they would not release her however until she could demonstrate she had the medical equipment bought to care for herself.  If she didn't have the money to buy.....we don't know, but that's where our medical emporium apartment comes in handy.
 The worst week is over for her, and things will get better bit by bit until they are normal. And she is learning that three, five or ten transfers isn’t quite the same as ‘not having done anything’ but leaves her tired, aching and like other newly disabled. She doesn’t have the upper body strength to use the equipment to the fullest, but that will improve.


I’m moving less and less, as I bottomed out to get the place ready for Linda, and am changing my sleep until the air con is in, as there is no emergency space to sleep in. But with my body too weak to even produce urine for six days, and having eaten perhaps 25 meals in the last 20 days, it may take a great deal of time to build reserves. If only time was something I had, with the dizzyiness for a couple weeks and checking for loss of spinal fluid. Too tired to talk, to exhausted and unable to swallow, the sleep of eternal dreaming doesn’t sound so bad.


Still, there are a few things I’ll miss:


*Reading an intelligent story, or line: “I believe that ‘if we are made in God’s image’ then perhaps we have all degenerated from the petri dish”
*The viewpoint of Clint Eastwood; that life is more harsh than we wish it to be but better, the more we connect, and care, about each other
*The mind of Almodovar
*The Classroom: a profession unchanged in over 3,000 years Never being here to catch up to others or others to me.
*Still missing several pieces of the big picture
*Sunshine
*Venice and old Italian Grandmothers in black shawls selling switchblades
*The good ole action film, whether it is John McCain and a donut eating police man or Ripley and her flamethrower.
*Realizing…….
*Enjoying the difference in levels between the BBC (People aren’t bad exactly) and HBO (There are no heroes). And how the BBC takes some of the cheesiest lines written to human kind and somehow manages to pull it off (Being Human Season 1 for example).
*Helping Linda
*Dreaming when it isn’t a nightmare
*Those books I bought to read, ‘In case there isn’t anything else good’
*The strength to write better than the dreck that seems thigh deep.
*Finding or Talking to someone who knows some things I know, and enough history for a good conversation.
*Defeating giants, protecting the princesses and princes, rescuing the downtrodden, living life by a code or ethos, rather than by the most convenient path.
*Doing sports, and learning how to fly a glider in real life.


8 comments:

JaneB said...

I'm glad to hear that Linda is at least home, becoming a tiny bit more mobile and has a slightly reasonable employer.

I hope you find a gold mine of energy under your couch cushions!! And am sending all good thoughts towards you both.

Tina Russell said...

“On HBO, there are no heroes” is true and something that’s always really bugged me; it feels like there’s nowhere for me to find drama that’s engaging for an adult audience but isn’t wall-to-wall bleak and depressing. Over on the BBC, I guess I don’t really know... I guess the only BBC dramas I’ve seen are Torchwood (blecccch, I hated it) and Sherlock (it’s good, but I’ve watched seven seasons of Holmes’s _other_ modernized incarnation, House, and the character type has seriously worn on me). (That, and my girlfriend also makes thousands of bizarre, intricate observations about every single scenario and _she_ does it in _pink Hello Kitty pettiskirts_, so it makes Sherlock Holmes seem a little unimpressive.) Ummm...

I suppose it’s sort of apropos—I saw an episode of Torchwood, once, where the whole message was that when you’re on your deathbed looking back at life, it’s the little things, the odd, charming, seemingly frivolous things from your life, that you’ll really cherish. I thought, wow! This _perfectly_ expresses why I’d rather be watching Doctor Who.

Anyway! I’m really glad Linda is back home, it must be wonderful to have her with you even with both your health conditions. Also, that is a really wonderful list, I need to remember things like that. Usually I only read or hear about “bucket lists” full of pressure to fit everyone else’s wants into your life, where as it’s probably better (from my perspective, maybe I’m just lazy) to remember things in life to cherish.

Much love, Beth!

Anonymous said...

Have you thought of doing your thing on Kickstarter? It's all the rage right now.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Tina: in some ways the exploration is the purpose, but here are a couple to start of BBC series: Whitechapel, Moses Jones, Luther, The Shadow Line, Silk, The Rev. (being an inner city priest), Outnumbered, Fades, Misfits (not BBC but S4 I think), Being Human, Garrow's Law, Monroe, Exile, Marchlands, Waking the Dead, New Tricks, Hustle, The Sins, Silent Witness, Judge John Deed, Bedlam, Messiah, Murphy's Law, Life on Mars, Apparations, Prime Suspect, 55 degrees North, Criminal Justice, Wire in the Blood (except series 1).

Everyone needs heroes, which is what oddly the Wire does well, and Treme, but the rest of HBO does not. Not to say HBO does not engage or entertain, I just don't think 'mature, complex shows' has to mean individuals who start with morals and quickly devolve, Such as in Boardwalk Empire, for example.

Jane: Linda is experiencing some of the frustrations of disability time, disability limitations and choices and it is a learning curve for both of us. No energy gold yet, but still some cushions to look under.

Kate J said...

I can see you defeating giants and rescuing princesses, sword in hand, like a character from a manga, but for real. You do that every day you survive, every time you blog, Glad to hear Linda is home, and in good spirits, and that she hasn't lost her job... if her employers have any sense they wouldn't just 'let go' someone whom I imagine is really good at what she does.
Hope the two of you survive this, and that maybe even something positive emerges from it, and that at least you are able to spend this time together.
Love & peace

Neil said...

The union won't let Linda GO TO work without a note? It's usually the opposite, you know...

Your life together is so unusual that I can understand people thinking your blog is fiction - except that fiction, in order to be successful, has to be believable. No, you couldn't make these events up; they're just too fantastic NOT to be real.

I'm glad you're starting to rebound, and the list is pretty good. Yes, it's sometimes the little things we miss. Bucket lists are one thing I'll be glad to see the end of.

One difference in my list would be that I'd like fly gliders AND powered aircraft. There's a Swiss plane called the Pilatus Porter that I could easily fall in love with, if I had the millions of dollars needed to buy and operate it.

Hmm. Linda using your walker. That would have been worth a video, I'll bet. :)

I hope you're both healing well, and laughing now and then.

Love and zen hugs,
Neil

Lene said...

so glad that Linda's back, but very worried about you. Hoping you can find the strength to come back from this, as you have so many times before and marveling at your ability to find such strength.

Lorna, Bob and Liam said...

So glad to hear Linda is home and starting to recover... so sorry you had to blow your reserves in the meantime.

As always, much love and healing thoughts coming your way...

Lorna, Bob and Liam