Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Reason to get out of bed

First: Be a lesbian.

Yeah, I didn’t want to tell you because I thought it would be cruel and unkind, but yes, each and every thing in life is better if you are a lesbian. And I think probably if you are a bisexual too. Even chocolate tastes better. Colours are brighter. The smell of apple cinnamon fresh from the oven is near orgasmic. And we get a larger selection of clothes to buy, so shopping is 72% more fun.

Sorry, I took the pledge when I joined but I just thought that today it was time to let you know what we, in the giant lesbian conspiracy all know (yeah, the fundy Christians are right and we not only CAN communicate telepathically as part of the lesbian hive but we recruit, because like all those drug warning ads, one hit of lesbian lip lock and you can be addicted for life).

Second: As a camera whore, there is always at least one kick ass picture somewhere in your future.
A few days ago I got to see the wingspan of a blue heron from a couple feet away. Linda got the picture. She was thinking of kicking the bird, because she had lots of ‘I am a heron standing here’ pictures. But children were watching. She was thinking of doing it anyway. That’s what camera whores do. We aren’t proud of it, but that next shot, it is like masturbation, the more you try NOT to think about how great it would be, the worst the need for it gets. So, go forth and take pictures….once you are done and recovered from ‘the amazing disappearing finger trick’, ‘erase the problem’ (rub till it comes off!), or ‘just reading mom!!’

I am going to respite today and for everyone that helped that happen; thank you so much. I'm off, well, almost.
I am in that part of travel where I am terrified and freaking out (and wondering how to fit my entire apartment into a suitcase). I don’t do well with the whole anticipation of changing environments. I know ‘it’s going to be great!’, which is what I was told in line on every roller coaster ride. I know I’m going to love it there. And Linda is going to probably stay up too late doing sudoku’s, and I am going to use the pool, because it has an accessible lift down (rocking hotel), if I can find my suit. Cause I think they frown on skinny dipping at this hotel.

I would say I am scared shitless except I ALMOST missed a medical appointment because my nerves woke me with a ‘hey let me introduce you to your good friend, Thomas Crapper’.

I have a camera, and I am going on an adventure. That’s good, that’s going to be good. Let’s find out what I can do. I might even order room service – I haven’t done that in about 15 years. I’m going to use Indy to chase seagulls, and then go drink Sangria.

Have a kicking day, okay. Because somewhere, out there, is the smell of fresh baked bread. You know you love that smell as much as I do (okay, I enjoy it maybe 32% more because I’m a lesbian: sorry), so go and find it. When you taste the melted butter on the still warm fresh bread that's no metaphor, but getting up to find it kinda is: No risk, no reward.

When did I forget about that? There is no point fighting to live if there isn’t a smile about the life that’s been stolen, pawned, borrowed, and nicked. I’m off to find an adventure, start a revolution, participate in something memorable or at least keep trying for something which gives a smile, I hope you’ll join me, on this and on every 15th of the month. Life may bury me under four tonnes of lemons, but at least I smell citris delish!

There was a full moon last night I think: I’m going to look for it.


Neil said...

Okay; first, as a lesbian, you rock. No question. But if y'all were to swing both ways, you might appreciate my beard more. :)

Second, since I have no sense of smell, you smell EVERYTHING better than I do. Including the odorant in natural gas. :(

Third, I can go you one better with the fresh baked bread: put honey-butter on it. MMMMmmmmmmmm.

I can't afford to send money to help, but I can offer a few Shoppers points. I have Linda's email addy, I think, so I'll contact her privately (if there is such a thing on the Innerwebs).

Beth dear, my route into the Bay store last week took me past some woman who'd make you look short; I looked around, and noticed a sign saying "Above Average," and a dress on a hanger that made me blink: it was long enough to drag on the ground if *I* wore it. And I'm 6'5" tall. I wouldn't wear it though, since I'm a straight male. And partly 'cause it was a Jessica Simpson brand dress. :)

Have fun in respite! But no skinny dipping? How else is a skinny girl like you gonna swim???

Love and zen hugs,

Neil said...

Forgot to mention your astronomy skills Sorry, they don't match your writing skills; last quarter moon is late tonight, dear.

But you still get hugs and more love!

Lorna, Bob and Liam said...

Oh, thank god, you're going on respite. I'm so glad you and Linda are getting this opportunity... so glad.

And yes, that kick-ass picture of the heron is astounding. That's why there are about 11 million digital photos stored on my computer... awaiting... sorting. Or the apocalypse, which has a slightly higher probability of happening.

Here's hoping the weather is fabulous for you... you'll make it all work, no matter what.

Godspeed and all that!

Lorna, Bob and Liam

cheryl g said...

Oh yeah, everything in life IS better if you are a lesbian. Are you sure it is a good idea to share the secret?

I like the picture of the photographer – it has a cool steam punk feel.

I can easily picture Linda contemplating kicking the heron. I am glad she didn’t but I have seen her under the influence of camera whore fever.

I hope you found your bathing suit so you can take full advantage of the hotel pool. Have a great adventure and a wonderful respite!

Kate J said...

Good for you! Hope the respite session goes well, and you get your swim.
And you don't have to be a lesbian to enjoy fresh-baked bread - tho you're right it probably does help! I enjoy fresh-baked bread too, in fact, I bake all my own. I so wish I could share some with you!
It's great to hear you're getting a break and having a few good times.
Fab pics too!
Love & peace

Neil said...

I saw some squirrels this morning, Beth, and immediately thought of you. They were, um, 'playing.' Yeah, playing, just like the pair you photographed in the Yosemite park in July 2010. Except that in this case, there were three of them. In a line.

Maybe life as a squirrel is better if you're gay and like threesomes?

I had a camera in my hand, but they broke up the orgy and fled before I could think to stop and get the camera turned on. Mind you, it's a digital point 'n' shoot camera, and the photos usually suck. I miss using my Canon F1; even though it was made of brass and could be used as an effective boat anchor, it didn't need batteries to operate, and I could get a better focused and exposed photo shot faster than the digital crap can. The trade-off, of course, is that bad digital shots don't cost anything to process before being discarded.

Love and zen hugs

JaneB said...

Hope you have a great respite, both of you! A respite from real life sounds like a great thing...

Jocelyn said...

Hey Beth,
I first came to your site via a google search quite awhile ago about something related to vibrators, I'm pretty sure. :) But somehow I stumbled upon it tonight and I've been reading, and reading, and reading... your posts have the compelling nature of one whose every day is different (often more horrible, sometimes more sweet) than the last.

I tried and tried to find a 'contact me' button on your blog but couldn't. Would love to send you an email if you're up for it. Of course like most of us, I can't really begin to understand what it's like for you right now, but I have chronic neuropathic pain that nearly... well. It got bad, let's say. I live now, only with the help of an implanted computer that delivers pain meds centrally, right to my spine, along with an anaesthetic. I'm also a wheelchair user 4 lyfe (as the kids say these days).