Do you remember running those sprints in high school? We kept going until everyone had thrown up. The feeling you had when you staggered, in oxygen debt but as fast as you can to ensure you are not last….that is what my heart feels, every beat, hours a day. I clamp down, and just carry on.
Maybe if dying felt good I would let go.
But Death is a bully.
I don’t give in to bullies.
Beat me, suffocate me, hurt till I scream, and I do scream. I wimper, I mewl. Watch the Danse Macabre, when it hurts so bad I can’t help but writhe. I will get up. A new plan, a new attack, a new way forward. I know, as each day I lose, sometimes a little, sometimes too much to say aloud. Why has this disease eaten up our years? I know that I will never win.
Choices made when strong show us at our best, but when it is a person stripped, physically, emotionally and psychologically, that decisions matters. I vow, in all states of body and mind, to choose the best Elizabeth. I will never cede, I will still see it as a choice.
I choose to live today. This is my forever.
Besides, I don’t give in to bullies.
“Shall I tell you what the real evil is? To cringe to the things that are called evils, to surrender to them our freedom, in defiance of which we ought to face any suffering.”
Always a Digger myself, early anarchists, the Diggers of 1649. (click on play to hear the original round song.