“There’s alive and there’s dead. And there’s a worse place in between em, that I hope you won’t know nothing about”from award winning period film, Get Low
I’ve been trying to get things in order to keep on going. There is a harsh brutality to it, but when you are in the place between living and dead, it is best to get to one or the other. Within that, there is no space for joy or Xmas as I have gone for a two hour nap and woken up a day later. I was awake 12 hours over almost four days that way. It is no way to keep living.
I ran out of energy to eat, the face angular and body resting while the torso heaves for oxygen. I wish for those who think that Xmas time is flying by that they never know what it means to watch life literally fly by. And to realize that oft times it is the struggles of those you can’t see, against the problems you haven’t heard about which have it the worst. Uncertainty in having enough money for toothpaste: that’s not a metaphor, it is reality. Which is why, if lying paralyzed for hours overheating is hell in a skin barely baked, or in a chair with headrest holding the head paralyzed by watching UK DVD’s or something else, that is better.
For me Xmas is about loss and will always be about loss. The loss of family. The loss of belonging. That first boxing day and Xmas day in the UK, where we sat freezing in an empty flat, and alone, only just having bought a pot big enough for making Chili the day before. It was the knowing that others are and were being welcomed, are part of something which makes it all the more painful. No wonder, with the isolation and evaluation socially and found wanting that suicides go up.
I found a good film called Triageon dealing with the grief both of having a disease, or sudden chronic condition. It shows, more than tells, those reasons that those who know the ‘war stories’ of disability or medicos, or having it grim tend to stick together, tend to understand without having to know all the words. It is also for those who grieve loss. Called Triage, it is was not what I was expecting, and it was more than I was expecting. Kurdish War film, film on war photographers, the questions on grief and blame, and more.
My region 2, 3 and 4 DVD and DVD sets I am putting up for quick sale so they can go to good homes. Last time I did this, I couldn’t post a blog before they sold, so I will try for Thursday.
I hope you have the joy of living. I hope that you are able to tell all your stories. I hope you don’t mind getting gifts from me in Dec or Jan or Feb or after as I keep going, onward. Not easy, not what I want to be when I want to be, but onward.
Always onward. An example: The film ‘Get Low’ was good writing by after five years it had been rejected by every studio at least three times. They still kept on, and nominated for 11 awards, winning 2 so far, a 40% profit just due to cinema sales. Why? Because it is a story where you don’t know what is going to happen next: the best kind of stories.