Due to an incident with Fran, lack of sleep, a care plan in flux (i.e. lots of holes to fall through), my pain medication, nerve medication all left the body. By the time I woke, from the last sleep I was to get in almost two days, the Fentanyl was already gone (I have the same dosage as end stage bone cancer patients). Once the appointment Linda picked me up for was over, we could apply, though by this time, I was curled up on the floor, my breathing stopping..then starting. I wanted to pass out but the pain kept pulling me back.
I haven’t ever experienced anything like that, which became like a fever of pain, and dragging myself from the hall to the bedside I can’t remember but I remember getting my torso on the bed and too weak to get my legs up. I felt like I imagined it would be like if I was on fire, and crawling, dragging yourself slowly, while burning bright flames towards a chance of lessening. I fell down on the floor, but the worker wouldn’t let me stay, and I was told to ‘try again’ and ‘Beth, Beth, Beth, you have to get in the bed.” Over and over, I heard.
The effort it took to get there and the implication that I wasn’t “trying”, and had to do MORE, it overwhelmed me along with the pain. Moaning sobs erupted from me as I clawed at the bed, trying to find a handhold. Preserving my mind and heart, the blood had been withdran from my eyes; I was blind, my hand clawing out and pulling back, as I could not feel what my hand was hitting, I only needed to know if it would hold me, or help me get those last two feet, dragging my legs up behind me. heard myself making the sound I had heard in Wit, the DVD watched only a short time before. "This is that state," I thought.
Only for me, no help came. There was no one to reassure me, or intervention. In Wit, the doctor is covering up his mistakes and instead of a Life of Quality, she is to be kept under, no control, conscious only when the pain breaks through (a morphine flow to put a person in a coma until they starve or die in other ways).
For me, the little minutes, literally 10 or 15 minutes of sleep I got before my diaphram failed and I was woken in choking: that allowed me the strength to turn my torso, and roll my head. It would be another 12 hours until the pain medication kicked in. But now I could at least rest, in between the fever hallucinations.
So, since the last post, I’ve been out of it, and now, though the pain of smashing my thumb with a hammer is flooding into my senses from most of my body, it is a relief to be down at levels enough to see out of one eye. And put words down. I have control of my brain once more.
Soon I will watch TV or something, until then I have to watch out as it has weakened me to the point I have to wake every few hours to rid myself of the air breathed into my stomach and intestines: through vomiting, or manipulation for oral or anal release of the air.
I’ll get better. I just wanted to spend the time to say I still go on, and thanks for being there. Oh, my right eye is losing focus (I am too weak for my autonomic system to focus my eye, so it is effectively blind. I type this with both eyes giving only darkness - thank goodness for all that touch typing over the years). I have passed out twice in the last couple minutes so I leave you for now.
A two minute AMV: Some views from Pain-world, accompanied by Sarah McLachlan
4 hours ago