End stop

Sicker than ER, sick for days. I thought I might have gotten a few weeks. The only stability left is pain, and today I’ll be out of all pain meds: nerve, patches, they say not to come off them with a bang, but I think that is what happens. Anti-D’s out with a bang too, I think a couple half pills on Monday, or one Mon and one Tues. Time for the cascade. I know I live because it hurts too much to be in hell. Neuropathy explained, how dead nerves are turned into repeat transmitter nerves. They don’t work as feet, or legs, but send out a message clogging up the spine, heating the core, the message from hundreds of thousands of ganglion as fast as they can fire is ‘pain, pain, pain’ – the stop being a useful nerve and just send pain signals, for no purpose at all, and that is all they do until they die. Amputee’s have that, some SCI’s. I cannot be in a relationship with intimacy I am informed. I cannot be an ‘equal’, I am told, ‘because you need care giving.’ What a view consistent to ablest doctrine. Because all relationships are equal in all things, money, strength, chores. Because anyone who is chronically ill enough, or even temporarily out of action, broken legs, pelvis, collarbone, then the relationship dies there. I’ve seen and watched people let relationships fall. Well, those will be the last rational thought in my brain for a long time. The two patches, once they are aquired, will take 12 hours before they start to help the pain. I hope the rest of me can survive a pain induced insanity counted by the ticking of the second hand on a clock. Oh yeah, I’m sick too. Well, maybe not then.