My ‘serious’ blog post has taken 4 hours and I have progressed only 2 more sentences and a headache. So, a masturbation interlude.
I was sent Kama Sutra: Raspberry Kiss Stimulating Gel by Their Toys, yes Adult Toys to review. I had envisioned a disability friendly heat arousing breast action while I played an erotic lesbian anime game on my computer (okay, I am an anime otaku, I love the 2D girls, but I love the 3D ones too).
The point and the problem is this: How does a woman who requires near constant care get her groove on? I still have a libido (oh…..ohhhh……ahhhhh) and while I AM touched every day, it isn't sensual touch but medical for heat, oxygen and health checks. That is not doing it for me. And honestly, I think it if WAS getting me aroused, I would have even greater problems finding health care workers: “Oh yes please, check my temperature again, slowly this time, let those fingers slide up and down my spine….yeah.”
So, either I can get assistance (BUZZZ! Asked and found workers um, ‘creeped out’ by the idea.) or figure a way to get the most action in the least time. Which is really hard because getting ready, or even clothes off takes time. Is there a 'quicky' for someone like me? Plus I am already IN the ‘privacy of my home’ (where the workers get their masturbation done, but are freaked out that I will), and not so much a voyeur that I like people walking in with sandwiches during the ‘ahhh….ahhh….so close….come on!’ section.
I hoped that Sexual Heighteners would do the trick, combined with a good book or an audio visual experience like a eroge anime game (there are hetero ones, Otome ones – girls point of view, lesbian ones, bisexual, yaoi ones – the lot). I got two potential breast tingle products, but the first, Climax Kiss (sounds great, no?), was a peach flavored lube. I was told to add it to my ‘intimate areas’ (that would be the vagina, and the vulva) for a ‘juicy addition’ to sex.
Sigh. So, not really for me at all, then, it is a lube for my partner because peaches are nice and vagina’s don’t actually taste like warm apple cinnamon: When we first got together Linda and I got a basic sex positions book. The book was very 'this is what you should feel' and it clearly stated that the vagina smelled and tasted like ‘apple cinnamon’ This became a common puzzlement and over the years a joke as we were like, “Do you smell the apple goodness?”, “No, not really” Of course, this was before American Pie, which seemed to reinforce that vagina’s are like warm apple.
Rating out of 10 for disabled masturbation: ZERO.
Rating for sex books that say all vagina's smell the same: ZERO
Rating for guys who associate vaginas with the smell of apples: (I give up!)
Linda says that it is actually a form of patriotism, that saying women smell like apple pie is saying they are part of Norman Rockwell's America: baseball, turkey and apple pie. Thus all-american women MUST have the apple pie scent. I guess as a Canadian, that's why I smell like moss, fir trees, and tundra.
The Kama Sutra Gels, also sell a mint flavored DEsensatizing Gel. They don’t mention the practical applications of the gel. And I can’t quite figure them out, unless it is to make the guy last longer? Dunno.
My Sensitizing Gel tried by both Linda and myself on the breasts (several times!), waiting over several minutes for the promised, “a tingly tasty treat for sensual body exploration”. We got no tingles. Disappointment factor: HIGH. Turns out it is another lube, but packaged as a non-lube, and that tingly, is for the tongue of your partner, not your own body. So, another useless masturbation product. I am all dressed up, with the engine at idle. Sheesh, getting naughty can be quite the challenge.
There was a gel ‘Formulated especially for women by women’. These women however must have been a bit high since they decided to title this vaginal gel: WET. Yeah, that’s the product name. So apparently some women though that going, “Hold on, I want to get super WET!” was cool and sexy and what other women wanted to say. “Oh yeah, bring on the WET” – because when you think of romantic, feminine, the dream of the prince carrying you to bed (or butch) the product ‘WET’ doesn’t bring those images, as Linda says, “It just means you got caught in the rain”
So I am frustrated (in SO many ways), the sex shop has failed me. Right now, the closest I have to inspiration is using some pop rocks I keep by the computer, licking them and then sticking them in my bra and hoping for the best. I do think if it works, the ‘Pop Rocks’ method of breast masturbation could be a giant leap forward for teen girls and high schools everywhere, as Principals start doing locker checks for Pop Rocks.
There are a lot of different health conditions which affect women and limit mobility and sensation in the vaginal area (even depression can decrease sensation significantly). So far the best method of success I have had is in being open enough to find what gives you that sexual tingle mentally, whether that is a traditional romance book, yaoi, yuri, traditional romance of being carried off, pirate fantasy, whatever. And who cares if you are like me and over six foot tall and would need a giant viking to carry you off and that would involve being slung over his shoulder. That is why is it called 'fantasy', so put the ‘sensible’ voice aside, put your mother’s voice aside (really, what is she doing in your sex fantasy?), and deal with the fact that you like (whatever it is you like) whether is it furry cowboys or women with swords (nothing phallic in either, of course). Once that is done, you are half way there, high anticipate, enjoyment of experience, and a mental fantasy assisted by
literature or game, or video, or movie that enhances enjoyment. I am still looking for that extra bit of sensation for those who may not have the hand control or the sensation to use a vibrator on and in with satisfaction. A product which works while the mind creates arousal would be optimal. The mind is a fantastic thing, and I just need to connect the fantasy to the physical aspects of orgasms. Female disability neuropathy masturation is a GO!
A LUBE is not it for solo: first it is going to leave a smear in the book, it is hard to get off the hand entirely and leaves marks everywhere. And second, while a lube might be great if you have a partner to eat you up, a female with a disability statistically does not, so no lube unless you want to ending up frustrated, with oil stains on your favorite erotic book and your bed smelling of peach. Okay, the last might not be so bad.
Body Shop body butter on my torso and breasts after a shower, makes it so that as I heat up, the smell of citrus grapefruit arises, using the body heat to create the scent. I need to find a product that can work with the body heat or just breast rub to create heat and sensativity. And no, I don’t want Ben-gay athletic rub.
Your masturbation reporter signing out: vigilant, horny and with breasts overdue for tingles.
23 hours ago