I went in for the blood test last Wednesday. The doctor called Friday saying I needed to come in, she wanted to talk to me. She didn’t work again until today, Wednesday.
I had that seed of stone in my chest, and every day it grew, pushing against my breathing, weighing me down.
In some way, my life was going to change: had already changed, I just didn’t know how yet. The nightmares started a night later.
Sunday my computer became inoperable, a Trojan which erupted into endless virus’, cutting me off from restore points. This took my mind off impending medical news, by causing my mind to spin so fast that sounds of metal shearing against metal could be heard if you stood close enough. Without the computer, I can’t blog, I have no voice which can reach the outside world. Worse of all, the computer was thwarting my will. If there was a drop of divine blood in me, that would have been one ‘smote’ computer.
I think we are all glad that I cannot bring the hammer of thunder at will (No, I am still coming after you Jon Hammond, for no one bullies Linda (tsk, tsk, tsk finger waggle): oh no you didn’t!)
I gave up most of Monday in order to switch my day (getting up in the AM) so I could go rolling outside on Tuesday. It was sunny. While rolling I was thinking of ‘rules of three’ and trying to figure out what else had gone wrong to complete the ‘three’. While I had plenty of bad things happen including a strong bout of dementia, in the last few days, few were large enough to be called ‘BAD’ (when moderate dementia putting my life into ‘frappe’ in the blender isn’t “Bad”, that shows how life is viewed: I am not trying for the Booker Award anymore, I am trying for a day without a nose bleed, and to make it to boxing on Thursday.)
I could not help the thoughts, which ran round like pet hamsters on their wheel, “Is it Lymphoma? Another blood disease? With the anemia an elevated white cell count, that could show?” “Or will they have to radiate the thyroid?”
I can’t tell who I hate more: those outside the Ghetto of Loss, who know not of how quickly things can be lost, or worse, hanging there forever until that phone call comes, or is me, who cannot stop the quick jagged breath, fighting the constricting of my throat, that fear?
Tuesday night…wasn’t. I was up night due to cramping. When I finally got to sleep I had Linda promise to wake me in a couple hours to get up for the doctor. One side was the immovable effects of a body (if they had just given me that android body transplant….), the other side was an act of will. Another week of not knowing? A call from the hospital instead of the doctor due to a delay? No thanks.
The sun was good yesterday and today, it felt like the warmth spring gets right before it becomes summer. Today everyone was mowing lawns, after a week of rain the warm sun had made grass happy. Squirrels were out in force playing the ‘lets dig up this and check if it is still here…yup…now let’s bury it two inches over.” Game.
After wheeling to the doctor’s office, I was told, “okay, I’ve got you on the list, now just come back in 90 minutes.”
Blech. Wheel back, drink, rinse and repeat.
The news was grey: neither horrid or great. While nothing in my body seemed to be operating optimally, B12, D deficiencies were of the greatest concern. We knew this from the hospital tests, however the hospital had no suggestions. The doctor explained some of the functions that D affects. My kidney is operating ‘okay enough’ (is that how you want your major organs described?), but the water I was drinking was straining it. The Doctor had returned from a conference and that stuff about drink 8 glasses of water a day: Bogus. The two things that make no difference on your bowels are: drinking lots of water and exercise. The solution to constipation: whatever works!
The doctor was feeling bad thinking of all the people she had advised following the belief that laxatives ‘leave the intestines and bowel weak in the muscles’ and was wrong. So, no longer will I be drinking a minimum of 5 liters of water a day. Anemia, yes; dying thyroid, yes but nothing that wasn’t progressing normally.
I felt oddly cheated: the 90 minutes, the days of waiting, all because of significant D and B-12 deficiencies? I was glad I didn’t have a marrow or blood cancer, and now, after it all, with an adjustment to my drinking and sublingual B-12, and vitamins, life goes on.
AND I got my computer back.
Sometimes it takes work, stress and a lot of effort to get back to ‘routine’.
Oh, on Sunday, we sent out a total of 205 postcards for the month (click on the picture to see the postcards in detail).
2 days ago