Well, this WAS my going out weekend except: the Korean BBQ place has gone out of business. Plus I have been working on my blog for the last two days straight, missed the art exhibit, missed the highland games, no postcards or packages done. I did ending up buying something for myself off the wishlist because, well, Saturn Apartments was put on sale.
I also bought ‘The Maze runners’ about a bunch of teen guys who try to escape the maze but can’t and the only safe space is the 1 acre center, but they are all mind wiped of the past. At night, a dome covers the acre and when the wake up the maze has been altered. No one has gotten out. When suddenly a girl arrives and things change. Okay, I love mazes and spent many years drawing 3-D mazes, and I also had a 3-D chess set which I played, um, with myself. This was 42% off, and not at our library, so I bought it, or borrowed from a friend the money to buy it. Also because the cover looks exactly like several drawings I made in 7th grade, when we had ‘art’ for the first time in our school (taught by an ‘outlander’, an ‘outsider’, ‘the unchosen’). I loved mazes Only not only did I have the labyrinth drawn from the floor perspective but my spikes had people who had failed the maze impaled on the spikes (and bleeding into pools on the ground). This lead to much discussion and a parent/school conference and I didn’t have to take art anymore (which is too bad because I sat next to the kid who started out drawing then by the end, had covered his entire sheet of art paper black. After several months, that starts to be a pretty impressive/scary portfolio, totally blacked out paper after totally blacked out paper. Anyway, I hope to be able to read this book and not have authorities watch me a lot.
This was going to be the ‘what I wish for..’ and ‘Secret Shames….’ Only doing that has 72 pictures. 72!!!! That is one giant blog. So today I am doing my birthday clothes, and then like four of my birthday wishes and four of my secret shames.
You are encouraged in comments to a) Tell me how hot and sexy I am – this applies for just about any post, except ones on pain, death, and bits of my flesh rotting. b) share your own goals, since they don’t have to be something that you are going to do tomorrow, but can be something like a life goal. Since my life is counted in months (see, I am up from weeks, and some people don’t call me an optimist!), I HAVE taken, ‘Global Domination’ and ‘Learn to read 9 languages’ off of my list (or changed that to ‘learn to read six languages’). c) share your secret shames, hopefully reading mine will help you remember yours. Tomorrow is all about new and different ones and the following post as well.
Secret Shames: Okay, last time there was a misunderstanding about Secret Shames. They have to be something you kinda want to be a secret in most company. For example a lesbian saying they watched Charlies Angels….not a secret shame, a butch lesbian saying they had ‘my little pony’ collection….and they still play with them – that might be something they don’t want to tell someone right off. Or like when they tied their sibling to the hitch on the back of the car. Or when they set fire to the couch at Xmas! Secret shames. You’ll see.
So far on the birthday present front: two (I didn’t even get one from Linda!). SUCKS!
I had planned a birthday with me ala Birthday Suit but alas, I got ill again and b, not so good with trunk control these days (the plan was to be in my intimates and have my panties in my teeth as a SUBTLE sign).
Problem is if I can’t sit up to do that. And the care workers? Well, when asking care workers if they would assist in positioning me and toys for good masturbation/intimacy, hysterical laughter is one of the better replies (long stare and then walking out of the room murmuring a prayer one of the not so good).
“What?” I say, “I get horny too, just like you!” (more prayers/laughter) “We just put this under ‘Shower prep’ or ‘Sleep Prep’....you know female masturbation has been shown to be very effective for insomnia!”
Linda did braid my hair for me (she find braids erotic, and so do I – mmmmmm, Gretchen!)
I just want to mention in passing that I am horny. I was expecting birthday sex, and I was planning a culmination of many days of birthday masturbation and neither happened. I am deeply undersexed right now. I need energy, an erotic story and a bit of friction...without a careworker or Linda popping in to check my temperature (actually right now I am so low on reserves an orgasm might make me pass out..but that could be fun too!). I deeply need bed days but the most I get is the ‘Pass out – end up in bed an hour – get back to work’ circle. But as you can see, even when I am working, I am..er...distracted.
Oddly, while the massive amount of drug dulls my sensate, and my nerves are kinda dead, my mind longs for the tingle in the nerves (maybe now dead), the tingle in the brain, as the ohhhhhhhh and ahhhhhhh, rise in the mind. Hey, I am not JUST about sex (just about it right now!).
On my list, wish and goal number 20 on my ‘wish list of things to do before I die’, right after ‘Get a medical degree’ is ‘Epee Fencing as Foreplay’. I have the epee gear, I have my good blade Val, from my last tournament, and now those tight leather wheelchair gloves. I only need the whole three piece lingerie kit (and body to match). I could use one of those. Most of my stuff is WAY too practical. What kind of tragedy does that say about a woman when most of her lingerie is PRACTICAL. Sigh. Anyway, red hair, check, red scarf (can do, might have skulls), little boots, well how about kicking kinky 5 inch high heels on PVC boots. See, standing up isn’t a problem, I just need a few people to prop me up against a wall somewhere. Then I can make erotic circles with my epee tip, or come ‘en guard’ and do the opening salute.
Hey, I never said the wish list needed to make rational sense. We live in altogether a far too rational world! Fantasy and fun seem secondary and that is kind of scary (what is point of being a ‘free world’ if you can’t get some epee fantasy sexy going?).
Of course Linda is no slouch on the blade herself, doing very well in the foil for a couple years and significantly progressing in tournaments on the epee. And NOW she has a Pirate Queen outfit, complete with corset. Whee! Oh, I know this one from the books. She is the dread Pirate and she takes over the ship where I have been sent off by my rather evil step-father into an arranged marriage wishing in my heart that I had not spent a life as a flower kept from life, sent off like a merchants’ goods but rather, finally seeing life for myself. And along comes my Pirate! Now at first, a few maidenly shrieks, then of course the ‘stow her in my cabin’ (which ends up with some other kind of shrieks later – hey, I’ve read my smut...er...erotica, I know how this goes!). That would be a fun fantasy.
‘Oh no’, I shrink before the Dread Pirate Linda, ‘What happens now?’ I ask as she slowly and gently strips my gauzy layers off me.
“I show you the world” Dread Pirate Queen Linda replies.
Oh, by the way, this would be a REALLY good time for your boss to walk by.
Hmm……the other birthday sex fantasy is Linda coming in and ‘rescuing me’ from my work and books. You know, the striding in and telling me to ‘put down that book’ before carrying me off to bed in her arms. (Yeah, okay, I can fantasize a bit of domination sex). Of course, the problem is that I am several inches taller than Linda and she isn’t currently working out for Ms. Canada Weightlifting. I mean if I was 5’2” (which by the way ALL the romance girls are, or they are 5’7” or 5’8” and 100-115 lbs – HAHAHAHA! I mean, of course they are. This actually bothered me SO MUCH that I asked every 5’7” and 5’8” female I met if they were within those weights and found ONE – and she was a professional ballet dancer.) then sure but not at 6’3.5”. I have been DRAGGED by a limb by Linda. But I don’t think huffing and puffing and ‘Oh GOD, I hope I don’t hurt my back’ counts as talking sexy and dirty to me. She has rolled me over onto a towel or sliding sheet but again, being hauled like a toboggan with grunting from Linda and being carried in one’s loves arms and placed on the bed with rose petals is rather different.
I just need to go on a diet. However, the last time I was severely anorexic Linda wouldn’t get intimate with me after bruising herself on my pelvic bone sticking out. Plus when I get super anorexic and she says, “No, stick insects don’t arouse me, and seeing ALL of your bones through your skin doesn’t either.” Sort of leaves me in a dilemma. See, I could lose weight if I stopped being able to leg brace but that would affect….
Wish #17 of things ‘to do’ – Be wild, tempestuous and learn the Tango! Yes, I have decided that I want to be WILDER, more, I am not sure what, just MORE. Maybe go around in red and black goth wear and give little skeleton candies to children or something. Or Tango with people in the center of city hall outdoor square (since that is right near the red light district, I might risk ‘solicitation’. “Want to Tango?” I ask. The police officer says, “Oh is that what they call it now? Put your arms out for the cuffs.” I bite back the thought of saying, “Okay officer but that will cost extra!” – did I mention I was HORNY!).
Okay, next is a secret shame unrelated to sex. Well sort of unrelated.
Secret shame #21: In high school, I wanted to be a..oh, I can hardly say it...a cheerleader. I even got to the point where I started to talk about wanting to apply. Friends intervened and I was talked down. (Let’s face it, it is hard to play varsity basketball and cheer for the guys team AND girls at the same time. Also, I seem to be born ‘cartwheel hindered’, which is beyond the arm pump and hip swivel a basic cheerleader move.
Secret Shame #8: Okay, and this is a secret shame that I don’t really talk about to anyone except Linda. I am afraid of underwater. Seriously. Even as a child, I totally freaked when they tried to teach me water-skiing because of the sharks. I was 8, and on a lake but I couldn’t SEE below, ergo, sharks. I mean, at our Olympic pool, the bad vision and HEAVY chorine made a giant whale shape down at the deep end. Yes, that’s right, I honestly was afraid of swimming the length of the pool due to Moby Dick living in it. And if you think it is better if I go underwater, no it gets WAY worse, because there are things everywhere – I have underwater agoraphobia….severely. I can’t watch a lot of films where they go down in the ocean – the descent is just TOO much to watch. Now, that doesn’t stop me from swimming or going to see Imax on the Titanic, it is just…I am terrified and Linda holds my hands a lot and I close my eyes a LOT.
Wish #1, to do: Ug, enough of that, so lets go back to the positive, which is the wish number one. I want to go outside, and just watch the clouds and find shapes (more – more than zero). Like the art above, I see an Elephant and Linda sees Britain. I can only reconcile that in she must be looking at one cloud and I am looking at the spaces between the clouds. Or just what our minds are on, that is what finding stuff in clouds is about.
Secret Shame #12/To do #22: Yes, it is both a secret shame AND a ‘To do’ and it involves a trombone. And no, it doesn’t involves 76 of them. My secret shame is that I have never been able to put the phrase ‘spit valve’ into a normal sentence. I have twice been able to use ‘defenistrate’ when it made perfect sense, “Um, I think the main character is this film is about to defenistrate the villian”. There are other words, Gargoyle, Wyrd, Geuss (yeah, influenced by Clarke Ashton Smith and the 11th edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica – for those who don’t know, the 11th edition is the edition where Britannica got all the BEST experts of the field in Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbone, and other top experts to write these 20-60 page entries. After that, the Britannica went to using paid researchers, so you get the ‘Cambells’ soup answer or explanation instead of the ‘exclusive French Chef’s’ cuisine). But no, never been able to use the phrase ‘spit valve’ in a sentence.
BUT, I am also fascinated by the slide bar and have always, even before playing in an orchestra thought the slide bar would have wonderful potential for playing someone a solo and using it as erotic foreplay. The teasing sliding with a seductive look and wink seems potent for sexual foreplay, doesn’t it? So I guess I will need to learn the trombone.
Wish #8 to do: Write another great novel. I have been gearing up to do this now for a while (not being able to tell time, I can’t say) by doing what I do, reading as much and as vast a variety of literature as possible. Thanks to a good friend from Ergo, and a book swap, I have read a book this week I wouldn’t normally, ideas which still bounces in my head. I am reading Name of the Flower 4 (which is great, and the series finish, the manga follows the seasons of the flowers, through 4 seasons/volumes, finishing with can one person who has no way to share herself and only smiles and is quiet to stop being thrown out break out to be herself with a man who has been convinced by his past and family that he is only deserving of contempt?) Also reading The Stories of Ibis (amazing writing, and as a writer, a slap in the face to do MORE!), as well as a dozen other books. I read about 10-12 books a week minimum. Due to some intestinal problems that has gone up over 20 manga and 8 or 9 novels, so I am VERY thankful, since I am too ill to get out to the library, to those who have gifted me a novel or manga through the gift list.
I read east and west, old and new, so that I am a wheeling Meta-novel, the references to Buddha, to the Torah, to Christianity and the literature coming from them all turn in me. I have started putting up the slogans to writing, “10 words to get them to read 200: 200 words and they will read the chapter” – to remind me that we live in a jaded world, and need to write to make an impact, fast. Last time, with Zed, I had plot and the pain and humor was written in through rewrites. Right now, I have too much intensity, that I need a story which allows that to come through, or seeth, controlled beneath the surface. I write 1,000 words a day easy and that means if I live 60 days, it is a youth novel, if I live 100, a regular novel. I will likely have to write ‘This is my day’ blogs for a while and 1 or 2 ‘big theme’ blogs a week while I write. But I am getting ready. This is the first third, writing is the second third, and editing is the final third. Once I need a readers group, I will make an announcement.
Secret Shame #21: back in the bad old days before personal internet, I was living in different basement and only had access through university computers. And so I started going to university computers and reading erotic fiction at various member submitted sites. I was there, getting um, moist on campus, signed in for research and reading erotic (stuff that to 19-20 year old me seemed very, very DIRTY to me, but gosh and golly did it ever make me tingle!). Well, one day a member of my CHURCH comes out (I switch screens) and lets me know that they work at this university library and how am I? And then they say, “I just want you to KNOW that the university computer administrators can see EVERYTHING that you see on your screen and if you aren’t using the computers for research, they can go so far as take your computer pass away.” And then they wandered away.
The sweat popped out on me. And the screens that were immediately closed. And I stood up and walked out a normally as a horny jittery person could. Oh Great! Already internally tortured for being aroused but now guilty for being TOTALLY busted. Yup, that’s my secret shame, I was caught using research university computers to read dirty stories. True.
Wish #14 and #15 of to do: #14 is to have ‘more sex but not be caught by the caregivers’ and number #15 is ‘have more sex again!’ Look, I have strawberries and cherries in chocolate AND whipped cream! All of Linda's favorites - eat me, eat me! Okay, it is not like I have one track...um...mind. But I have been cared for, I have been working morning till sleep for as long as I know, and on vacations I do even more then spend 4 hours blogging about it before the next day. I just haven’t had the time to prioritize intimacy. And now I am, I am prioritizing it. And Linda just ‘proofed’ under my bed (The ‘five year old’ me when scared crawls under the bed and last time I passed out with my head stuck between two bars, according to Linda). Linda and I have talked about the type and kind of intimacy that is appropriate or comfortable for the ages and dementia levels. Basically a five year old you hug, a tween you play with, a late teen you fool around with, and a young adult is more than ready to go, but a little insecure, while me, um….I dunno, I’m just not sure that sex interests me. HAHAHAHA! I mean, yeah, tie me up, tie me down!
Okay, one last of each and the rest will come over the next couple posts. But I would like some feedback from this posts and maybe a secret shame (and a wish to do) from YOU in the comments.
Wish to do #11: (Yes, they really are numbered), LEARN TO THROW KNIVES. I guess I always thought that only odd psycho guys did this, that and movie heroines. But these days, I am pretty helpless. I might have ‘heart’ according to the boxing coach but I don’t want to live in fear. And throwing knives is something I have secretly wanted to do for about 15 years. I even tried to get a holder for the middle of my back for a throwing knife (based on a description from a Louis L’amour western book – that holder doesn’t exist). Now I would have leg holders and upper arm holders. And since I can’t touch my own nose and drop things about 15 times a day including: toothbrush, toothpaste, my pill container, my drink bottle (3 times), my book, and more, the hand eye coordination on a macro level could work with the hand-eye coordination on a micro level that I am starting to do with the PS2000 (largest hand controls), as prescribed by my doctor – the PS3000/2000, not the knife throwing. Any knife throwers out there?
Secret Shame #16: I have, SHAMELESSLY, overplayed my ignorance and clumsy aspects over the years in order to get guys/butchs to fix from cars to toasters for me. Like when the lesbian network newsletter came with a plumbing course offered and Linda and I looked at each other: “Isn’t that why men and landlords were invented?” I asked and she nodded and that was about it. Oh, I know all the components names, so that I can get them JUST wrong enough to have the person explain them to me as they are fixing it for free. Yeah, when it comes to a garage, I usually have a good idea what the problem is, and play the ‘dumb girl’ who says, ‘It makes a noise!” and if they start saying stuff all over the place then I go elsewhere. EXCEPT when it comes to my computer. Don’t mess with my computer! I don’t build it from the board up but I do determine what goes on it, and usually figure out what is wrong. I used to, it is one thing being so exhausted and mentally fogged that frustrates me, that this ‘smart’ part of me is going.
But yes, I have even gone so far as to go, “I don’t know, the handle goes up and down but nothing happens” when a guy/butch was over so THEY would remove the top and drop the rubber stopper down so I wouldn’t have to wash my hands of the old rubber smudges on them. Besides, the people who seem to like to make stuff or put it together or fix stuff seem so darn HAPPY to fix it, how can I deny them this pleasure by actually learning enough to fix it in front of them (then they just get sad).
I think I may not be the only one who has, at times, acted too dim to be able to fix a tire (because changing rusted lug nuts=hard and boring) when there are lots of guys around. But I am, somewhat ashamed as an independent woman to still have to ‘pretend’ (of course a lot of the ‘fix it type’ you could say exactly what the problem is and they wouldn’t believe you unless THEY look).
So, your secret shame?
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