And there was light.
It is not always darkest before the dawn; it is often darkest when it IS darkest. ‘Do not be overcome by the world.’ Do not be overcome.... If I suffer and if I am in darkness then let me fight. Help me up so that I can fight! Because I do not need to know how to fall, everyone knows pain, everyone knows suffering, everyone knows what falling is.
In the series Air, she has progressive peripheral neuropathy and once it reaches completion, she will die. And I suppose, so will I. The question then isn’t will I suffer? As I will. Nor is how long will I live as I live as long as can be. The question is will I attempt to represent the impossible in unimaginable circumstances? In every action, in each act of resistance, I tilt at the greatest windmill. I resist. I am not, I will not be what is expected of me. I will speak of the unspeakable, I will speak for the unheard. And I will act. But how? And what is possible? I don't know yet. See, THIS girl has gotta fly. But first I need a little vision, and help from my friends.
A DNR is meaningless as Linda and I already know what extraordinary efforts are. They are when a blood stranger comes over every weekend to assist my living and my dreams. They are passing out and then pulling myself into a wheelchair to write an email ‘because I gave my word.’ They are getting up every night to give me pain pills so that I can sleep. I know this is my future....because it is my present. So yes, I will rest...when I cannot drag myself further. Or because I have stopped to cradle Linda.
I do not plan to die for a long, long time to come, whether that is a month or five years. Because I want to know what comes next, don’t you? Yes, I am scared (aren't we all at times, times like these?), and so we use up more toilet paper crying in this house than we do in the bathroom. But please, not quite yet, because I am still learning how to use these new wings. And if I can only fly for a couple minutes watching a video, it is better than staring at a wall.
The video these images came from, winner of several AMV awards, can be seen full screen here or hit play on the screen below for the small screen version.
13 hours ago