Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sick, Eiki Eiki, alone and yet trying to reach out, to get help: the better world

I am very sick, which is probably a combination of fatigue/exhaustion and some sort of opportunistic infection or spinal lock which makes the world go funny and me fall over a lot. I can’t quite understand how I could be exhausted, not when I didn’t eat until 7:00 pm today and I am tilting back and forth like on a ship focusing on the screen to make a blog (hey, I made a commitment).

The short version is that Beth is very, very sick. Really sick this time. I will have to accept bed, rest, and being taken care of.

I have spent days trying to connect to family, to anyone, as I am tired of being me, the only person I know with this particular condition. I feel a freak. I don’t want to be alone anymore. This lead to an amazingly horrific day today where I spent so much time on the phone and got, nowhere. The Canadian organization or Rare Disorders (I wanted a support group) is away, leave a message.

At A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) I got a rather hostile reception (though I did say I didn't want to drink when they asked!), as I was asking for support groups for self harm, and no, they don’t DO that, and gave a list of groups which included Overeaters Anonymous. I asked since I was struggling with Anorexia and both are about control, loss of control, fear of loss of control, and eating would THAT be a place for me. Absolutely not, that would be cruel to have an anorexic go to an OA meeting. They don't DO anorexia: I needed to call the mental health department.

I refrained from pointing out that ALL A.A. and groups from them like N.A. are based on a form of self harm: yet I feel that if I suggested the woman I was talking to should call a mental health ward because she goes to A.A., she would be upset (yet that is what she did to me). I openly starve and self harm and there is no where for me to try and live a better way day to day with support? I DID go to the mental health section and found that there is a program which does offer support groups....for the parents, siblings and those who live with anorexics. haha. For struggling anorexics themselves....nada. I WAS trying to not cut, or stop eating becuase I felt the loss of control (dying makes you feel a lot of loss of control). I was TRYING to be better.

Then I called the abuse line regarding abuse from caregivers (which is epidemic, two government investigations in this town alone). They had no idea, since I wasn’t a senior. We talked about my background; they were amazed at the level of abuse that was taken as ordinary. I called there because they were wheelchair accessible. No, the support groups they had wouldn't be right for me. And the person talking to me didn’t understand how it was I ended up caring instead of abusing. Or caring at all.

Then I went on to call grief centers for which there were ones for people who do care giving for a loved one who is dying, ones for people whose children were dying, one for those who spouses were dying, but none for those who were actually dying. I was trying to get better. I kept trying.

I called the BC Bereavement Helpline (toll free) for listening and resource listings of support for grief and loss, and found another recording as they are only open Monday to Friday 9:30-3:00 pm. Sigh. Linda later said, "Gee, what if you feel grief on the weekend?" Since I have ‘sundowners’ – which means I feel even more isolated as the sun goes down, to call at 4:00 pm was pretty brave of me. But no people. Lots of machines.

It was now hours later (as I was calling Akadot which had an error in my order but the system had crashed and after 6 tries or so over several hours I gave up), so I decided I just needed a HUMAN VOICE and called the Needs Hotline, the 24 hotline for those who needed listening, suicide prevention, abuse and anything else.

I got a phone message which told me that all volunteers were either busy or away and if I was being attack or abused right now please call 911, if I was committing suicide call this number and then at the end of the message it hung up. Wow, no 'wait for someone', I can’t even talk to a human on a 24 hour hotline? Harsh.

I likely have with days or weeks of reduced sleep and eating, not enough rest; driven myself into an exhausted physical breakdown of an already attacked system. Probably is it because of my disease as I can’t feel total exhaustion until it is too late, like I can’t feel temperature, I can’t feel hungry, I can feel thirsty, I can feel the need to pee, I can’t taste what I eat, I can’t feel bruising, I can’t feel muscles rip until it is too late, I can’t feel my hands or arms, I can’t feel my feet, even when they are bruised or crushed, I can’t feel my legs, I am a human zombie and I am alone. I can only feel emotional pain, like when another Anonymous wrote TODAY that my post ‘Sexual Abuse story: finally told’ to free myself of my demons was ‘this is really HOT!” piece of writing. Multiple sustained rape, abuse and torture of a prepubescent child: “Hot!”

So yes, I push myself because even as much as I push myself, I cannot seem to break through this invisable wall. Is there a person out there behind those phones, or does caring stop at 3:00 pm. Because I assure you when your nightmares are "hot" the terror and grief do not!

This is my plushie given to me ‘soon’ ago by Linda, her name is Eiki Eiki. She has a heart inside, and Linda said they told her to make a wish. What was the wish? She wanted me to live a long time.

Here is Eiki Eiki reading a manga (Uta-hime, the songstress), to one of my other plushies named...Bear. Some plushies CAN read, some plushies cannot, I can’t explain it, I try not to think to hard about it.

I did 39 postcards with Cheryl and Linda and had them sent off on Monday night, to be sorted at midnight (due to the holiday); there were many new stamps to play with, like the knight and the forest of adventure and dreams. I like those ones. And the lilies.

The woman on the abuse line couldn’t understand why I didn’t drink, why I wasn’t more..incredibly screwed up.

This weekend my parents came over, they could not remember the last time they invited me over, or when they had last been over. I asked them over to find out if we could be a family? I was turned down. Linda was told, by my father, during the discussion that she was ‘allowed’ to speak now. In the same way I was ‘allowed’ to have emotions...and sometimes not allowed. It was all somehow my fault. Their silence was the love of not wanting to disturb me. It was a farce and I was desperate. I screamed.

I was on the floor begging them to blame me for everything. PLEASE, no more fighting over who was at fault, it was ALL ME. Could they forgive me? Could he, would he, forgive me and let us be a family?

No.

The one word I needed so badly he never used: love. Today I told the woman on the abuse line that I believe that this world is going to get better and I work toward that. That cat girls and dog girls will learn to get along, as it were, and that they will find that their differences are not that much (maybe there will even be attraction?).

I know that I live a fool, I die a fool, but I continue to believe that just because I have not yet seen something does not mean it can not happen or exist. Like looking for the beauty of the moon rainbow, it seems that loving, caring, compassion to others as a norm is something to make people think there is something DIFFERENT (like wrong in the brain) about you. I believe that there is a world where the beauty of these things WILL BE SEEN; just because it hasn’t yet, and just because I will die before seeing it does not mean it is not worth believing.

One of my favorite passages of the bible, though Christians would call me an atheist, and I don’t think in this passage it matters your faith is Hebrews 11. It was about those people who believed in more: that there was a better country, a better city, a better world and though they lived and worked for it, and never saw it, they believed. “They were weak, and yet made strong.” “they were stoned, they were cut in two, they were killed...they were destitute, afflicted mistreated…” I ask the question of Linda and others, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather care about the other person?” For Linda and I, it reminds us what really matters. For others, they would rather be right.

Anyway, I will be back with something light and I hope another visit to different markets (the joy of Victoria is MANY farmers markets). I think in a world where even a 24 hour help line has a recorded message which then hangs up on you, yes, I probably have driven myself to exhaustion and beyond, over and over again in trying to make people believe that THIS corner of the world does care. Except now I must rest. Don’t worry, I will spend the time doing something constructed...oops I means doing something constructive, or maybe Eiki Eiki can help ME read a little manga.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am sorry, Beth. I have been reading your blog, and I have decided you are a good person. There ought to be more people there for you, and it seems they are not. Remember the ones who are, please? Your Linda, for one. Self-harming would do no good and definitely some bad... The woman on the phone was amazed because even in your illness you are strong enough to hold some of it together. I hope you and Eiki Eiki read many fine manga today.

yanub said...

Beth, it is an ordeal to even contemplate making phonecalls to "outreach" centers. No wonder you are worn out and sick, dealing with that mess masquerading as help. Huh. A messquerade, as it were.

Anonymouses sure have a lot of gall. I am always amazed you put up with them and their nastiness. But then, you still hope your parents will act humanly toward you. You have the largest reserves of hope and trust of anyone I know of, and with less basis for such trust and hope than most. Truly remarkable.

Hugs, dear Beth.

JaneB said...

I am so sorry, Beth, that the world is not better for you, that people were not there when they should have been, when you deserved them. I am here, a long way away, but thinking of you, wishing you rest and comfort and belonging. I wish I could fix things, but even the little ones are beyond me most of the time - but know that you are loved and cared about, valued, by many people. ((((Elizabeth))))

P.S. My plushie Triceratops can read and my Brontosaur cannot. That is just How Things Are, right?

Baba Yaga said...

why is it that notional supports sometimes seem to be all about who they exclude?

regrets.

Mary said...

"as I am tired of being me, the only person I know with this particular condition."

When I have these moments....that I'm alone, unique...I think of myself as a piece of haute couture!

A one of a kind..a wonderful one of a kind (although some haute couture can be really freakish IMHO!) I don't mind being the freak sometimes....

The question I once was asked was "do you want to be happy, joyous, and free or right?"

hmm..my sarcastic mouth quoted Janis and replied "freedom just another word for nothin left to loose"

Got thrown out of philosophy class for that one..again..!!

Hope...I have very little myself, but love people who do have it (like you as yanub points out)..and to follow up that positive statement..with a negative one (as my warped mind always does)..."He who lives upon hope will die fasting" Ben Franklin...

OK...shutting up now..

rachelcreative said...

So sorry you're efforts to reach out and talk to someone ran into so many dead ends. Sounds like next time you feel a tipping point hwere you're battling with wanting to self injure or starve you should go straight to that Needs Helpline and keep dialling until you get a person. Easy said I know.

You know that the starving and self harming is a symptom, a way of control for you. So it's talking about the unsaid stuff might help. I hope so.

I've been in a time of crisis and had someone on a helpline want to triage me and then get a busy tone when redirected. It's kind of crushing when you're already pretty damn low!

I'm saddened again by your parents inability to give you the love you need and deserve. Their failure is not a reflection on your worth.

I wonder if any hospices might do outreach or know of resources or befriending that may help? I can't imagine how demoralising it was for you to hit so many brick walls.

I know it's not much but I am thinking of you my friend.

Bea said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. Help centers are supposed to help - family is supposed to help or at least to listen.

Please remember that you have family in Toronto. If Lene is allowed to give me your phone number I shall call you.
I am thinking of you many times every day and I do wish that thoughts could heal.

FridaWrites said...

I am sorry for your exhaustion and physical and emotional pain. It stuns me that resource groups aren't more available for people with specific needs (like anorexia, grief, experience of abuse). And yeah, it sounds like they need more backups on the 24-hour hotline.

Your post on your experience of sexual abuse show immense strength and give comfort to others, making them feel less alone. The anonymous comments you get are a wake up call to me that not everyone thinks as we do.

The plush bunny is absolutely beautiful. We used to joke about one of my dogs reading books in the corner--a super-smart border collie.

Abi said...

Oh no! You've got me worried that my Snoopy is illiterate. I assume that if he could read, he would do. It is OK to have illiterate plushies, isn't it? Whatever - he gives the best hugs ever and tells me that he loves me rather a lot (it's on his integral t-shirt). Also, why do I feel that this is an important question?

I am heartily annoyed that so many people weren't there to help you when you needed it. You deserve to be loved and supported, not ignored and told that people don't deal with your sort of problem. People can be quite narrow-minded sometimes.

Sending you gentle hugs and warm (or cool, if that would be more appropriate) thoughts.

Lene Andersen said...

I'm so sorry you are ill - your words and images tell such an eloquent story of loneliness and grief.

More in an email.

Linda McClung said...

Hearing about your ordeals (sometimes witnessing them) and then reading it again reminds me how much more love and support you need. I wish that I could be more, do more, but I know that you need many people to show you that you are loved. Many people are needed to support you through the dark times - helping you overcome the need to self-harm - and celebrating the good times with you.

Your loyal blog readers help but I think having someone sitting across from you who has similar experiences would be priceless.

I like all your photos, but love the photo of the two girls looking at the rainbow in the moonlight – it’s the picture dreams (nice dreams!) are made of. Wishing upon stars, seeing magical sights, sneaking outdoors in your night clothes. Reminds me of home, of you and me looking at the falling stars while lying on the beach, of soaking in outdoor jacuzzi’s at night, and other peaceful and happy things.

” Some plushies CAN read, some plushies cannot, I can’t explain it, I try not to think to hard about it.” And Jane’s comment “That is just How Things Are” are very Pooh-esque in my mind. Some things just don’t need an explanation.

A day spent in bed with Eiki Eiki would do you a world of good. Hopefully the dizziness will subside and you’ll be able to regain some reserves. Hmmm, think you might need a week in bed for those reserves.

wendryn said...

I'm sorry everything is so hard. Sometimes finding what you need is almost impossible. It sounds like you had that kind of a day.

Sorry to hear that your family was yet again so unwilling to act like humans. That must be incredibly hard.

Eiki Eiki is very cute, at least...

I hope it all gets better.

Anna said...

Hi....
I hope that you are in a better state now.

Sorry about your dad, and mother. They really can't change can they? Or love? So, sad that they can't open their hearts. It is their loss, not yours. Because they won't get to know you. I am sorry for them.

I am sorry but I have to say, eat, sleep, drink is something one has to do:) being sick or well....eating at 7 pm (was it)a bit tooo late.

You HAVE TO REST:) You have to let others take care of you. Well be here even if you don't push yourself to the limit blogging and doing postcards. We will still be here.

I will go and drink water now, and then rest for about 8 hours, which is something I just have to do to be able to function tomorrow.


take care
Anna

Elizabeth McClung said...

Anon: Well, now that I have been deemed a good person I hope you are God or um...nominating me for sainthood? The patron saint of plushies? I am working on keeping my head up - literally, it does take effort to read without a head steady - I need to figure out a device for that - thanks for your well wishes.

Yanub: Yes, apparently people WITH rare diseases have lots of energy to leave messages or maybe that is why if they are staffing it everyone has to leave a message - but what about the grief group or a hot line that wouldn't even take a message - do they get down hearing depressing messages?.

Um you mean the ones who think rape is 'hot' right, how were you to know there would be one above you. I think after this last time, I just don't have the energy anymore. If they don't want a daughter, they win. I can be quite ill without them I have found and if they are going to leave the body of their mother on a slab and delay cremation and then a memorial of her for months to make sure everyone gets in their vacations (including the two of my parents) - well, that is how they treat the woman who feed them as a single mother in the 50's and 60's so no, I don't expect to rate as high as a TV show wanted to watch honestly.

But I do take umbrage at them going to church standing up as leaders or examples. I do sort of want to go to those services and let my body tell the truth - when the person in the pew is more important than the point of worship, then get out and go to the house of self worship - As Christian God said, "I prefer mercy more than offerings" - oh well, don't listen to that old stick.

Hugs!

Elizabeth McClung said...

Jane B: The girl in Air, one of my favorite shows (she has peripherial neurophathy, pain, memory problems, is in a wheelchair...why do I connect?) - she has ALL dinasoar plushies - and goes "Gao!" as she once thought chicks grew up to be dinasoars. I like saying that "Gao!"

We are here for each other and I too have not yet succeed in all I want to do in supporting you. But there is always tomorrow, I can try again, but yes, I wish I was there.

I miss human touch.

Baba Yaga: I could understand not going to an AA meeting as I don't drink and thus have no shared experience but is ther NO anonymous group for the support of those who have other self harming habits, that I cannot go to a group which sees food as love, or as comfort or as control because while I do, I starve myself, instead of eat too much - how is that so different - and how am I am 'mental problem' when I don't self harm or are anorexic, or try not to be day by day WITHOUT Support and when I look for it, I am told to fall first, be put in a ward or such and then I will be watched...I mean supported.

bah!

Mary: Yes, Ironically it is the very things which make us look ill which are part of the functions that have failed, so at least (if you don't take off my clothes and see sloughing skin and such), I never am sweaty, I always have a nice model cheekbones, and my hands and fingers are nice and plump as well as arms, due to gorged with blood that is trying to sweat, but hey! - so I am a piece of art; invisable decay?

Free is when you no longer wear the shackles in your mind - I will die free, regardless of being spoken to, or ordered as a slave. And Janis is right, it is why I used to sleep on the floor and when triggered go around naked - since things were taken or destroyed for punishment - take what you want, destroy what you want, until you destroy me, I will still be that thing they hate the most: that which cannot be ignored or crushed.

Well Ben Franklin was an odd man who kept a book of all his sins so as to improve daily, so he started each day with HOPE -until he went to France and became a sensualist!. But that kind of statement shows why he is human and I am not. What does that statement mean to a person who never gets hungry or feels the effects of starvation or dehydration until they strike at near coma stage? I don't hunger so what is starvation? Nothing, time I don't have to try to eat something I cannot taste. Ben is human using a human metaphor - I am not.

Elizabeth McClung said...

rachel: in the message Needs left they actually tell you NOT to call back for 'at least 15 minutes' - which is plenty of time to get started with the knife - that day, the new caregiver, instead of bringing me my special cutlery with large grip handles brought me my 'special cutting knife' the one which is sharpened to make cuts so the bleeding doesn't even occur until about 20 seconds or more after the cut. I told her to please take it away - I have no idea where she found it - as Linda usually hides it.

I will try at some hospices but part of the US center going, "We don't know what the progression is..." is that no one knows when I die - which allows for hospice services - this is Canada so there must be paperwork, and if it is about disability or you are near dying, you get 4 times the paperwork! - So for a GP or even a specialist to say, "She will die in X" - they can't do if a super-duper specialist has said that a) I should be dead already b) I am an anonomoly, and c) I will die, but keep watching her for a while after you think she is dead because with heart and lungs like that, why isn't she dead again?

I always used to hate the Samaritans in the UK - as all they would say to me is..."I'm listening" - I would say, "And SO IS MY SOFA!" And then ask if they can refer me to anyone who does more than just listen since I don't tend to call until just before action and someone who is passive tends to drive me over the edge - the whole - we are here to help......by doing nothing Helpline. Sorry, that was my impression which is why I applied - I figured on my experience I could pick up the phone and say, "I'm listening" every few minutes and put the phone down and read a book and then pick it up and say that again and get the same service I got - maybe I had some really bad volunteers.

Thanks though - my venting has nothing to do with your suggestions being bad, it is just part of my frustration of being trapped or feeling trapped.

SharonMV said...

Dear Beth,
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I know it's not the same as hearing it from your Dad & it's hard not to hear those words from those who should have been saying them to you your whole life.

You are strong, so strong & not giving up takes a lot of strength. I know the pain of crying out for help & then living with the realization that there is no help coming - and still going on.

You are not alone as long as we are here. You are in my life, my thoughts & my heart every day.

Sharon

yanub said...

Yeah, I completely meant the anonymouses who email you nasty things or leave nasty comments. Not the anonymouses who just forget to log-in so their user name shows. :)

There is little more contemptable than people who are more concerned with having a "good" appearance in front of fellow "saints" than being actually good to fellow humans. Being righteous is way too often an excuse for being selfish. And the way your grandmother's death was treated certainly is proof of the family's selfishness.

I wish I could actually hug you. Linda, please give Beth an extra hug just for me!

Diane J Standiford said...

Feeling trapped. Yeah. Now that you mention it, I have found some of my plushies holding books...

Calling a live person---good luck with that.

Hospice, geez, the paperwork will kill ya...perhaps the intention?

Family, my mom is 82, aunt 102, I never was thought of but, "What's WRONG with you!?"

A better world, always.

cheryl g said...

It worries me that you are so sick and I really want you to accept bed, rest and being taken care of.

I am sorry that know one would/could help you when you were calling. I often wish there was a support group or some counseling options for you. I don’t want you to be so alone.

I am glad Linda found Eiki Eiki and brought her home to love you. Eiki Eiki is very sweet, gentle and very smart. I think it is good that you have plushie minions.

Of my plushies the black kitty, one of the squirrels and the buffalo can all read. If any of the rest can they are keeping it a secret. I don’t think we humans are supposed to know why some plushies can read and others can’t.

The new rubber stamps are great. We can make so many cool postcards now. I don’t know how many you planned for this coming weekend but I think you should do less postcards and rest more.

The meeting with your parents… I don’t want to do that again.

Your capacity to love, to believe in good, to care for others is so beautiful. Some may think it makes you a fool but I think you are wise because you see the potential in others, in situations and you believe that that potential can be tapped to make dreams come true and to make a better world.

I love the picture with the moon rainbow.

Raccoon said...

I've never seen a Moon rainbow. And, of course, now I try not to be in the rain...

Eiko Eiko looks like it's been around for a bit. Meaning "has seen a lot" and "knows how to give comfort."

I've said it before: your family, your real family, those of us who e-mail you, mail you, phone you, we love you.

Heh. In a sort of morbid kind of way, be glad that you don't have to wait for them after you die.

rachelcreative said...

Hi again.

Wow - nothing like trying to organise and schedule a person in crisis by telling them to postpone their breakdown for another 15 minutes. I guess those guys need more funding.

Yes I understand where you are coming from with the "I'm listening" thing. Sometimes you need more than passive listening.

For me self harm certainly comes up when I feel trapped or not listened to - so a double whammy in your situation. That was impressive that you managed to tell the care worker to take the knife away. But triggering too perhaps.

I remember the ridiculous beauracracy with pallative care being mentioned before. I more meant that maybe they might know of groups or people who work with terminally ill people and might be able to put you in touch. Or you might find some people willing to bend the system to get you a bit of support when you most need it. Maybe some kind of befriending service or a chaplain they can recommend. Long shot I know.

You can understand why old ladies invite everyone who comes to the door into their home just to have someone to talk to.

I wrote you a letter with some drawings for you. It's a bit random but hope they raise a smile. Should be with you in a few soons.

Anonymous (From the first comment) said...

Sorry, I'm not God or anyone else important. Just an over-opinionated person who tends to read blogs instead of actually writing one.

Baba Yaga said...

Human? Oh, you're human. Splendidly so.

My last 25 years have been spent studying this matter of being human, aspiring to it - perhaps absurdly, given some of the manifestations of humanity -, so I speak with much, decided opinion, which I shall call authority. So there. ;-)

On my authority, then, thou art human. You just happen, through your illness, whatever exactly it is, to test out the truth of some of our unknowing expectations of being human. (Lucky you.)

I've forgotten where I read that, instead of measuring our experience against what everyone thinks being human is, we could as logically say, when we deviate from What Everyone Knows (etc.) by saying "so this is what it is to be human".

As far as "do not call for 15 minutes" goes - argh! I've noticed that organisations notionally there to meet extreme need very often get into 'managing' it instead; and the difference between that and denying it can be very little....

[Aside: what is 'extreme' about the need to be understood, allowed fellowship, partake of some companionship warmer than that of the special knife or razor blade?]

.... or none at all. I was once told by the Samaritans to stop calling, because I was becoming dependent on them.

Given how often I got someone who would insist that if my carefully-nurtured 'acceptable' persona could laugh, then I couldn't really be unhappy (eh?), demand to know whether was drunk (if I had been, would that have made distress less distressful?), play the role of animated wallpaper and give no responsive response - given all that, if I was dependent upon them, it was because there was *nothing else*. And a human voice is a human voice.

(Not to detract from those who *did extend themselves, who did respect even what was beyond them, who were willing to learn if they did not know. But they were rare. And, granted, I was difficult. But wasn't that to be expected?)

It sometimes seems that a problem shuffled off is, from the point of view of those who claim to help, a problem solved - and that the one thing they will never do is admit that some problems are not (at least in facile terms) soluble, and allow even insolubility its full measure of acknowledgement.

Instead, there's a game of pas the parcel - from 'mental health' services to organisations like the Samaritans, *and back*. Bad luck for the parcel.

Bah! exactly.

Stephanie said...

Hey Beth -

I cannot believe how strong you are. This passage: "I know that I live a fool, I die a fool, but I continue to believe that just because I have not yet seen something does not mean it can not happen or exist." - it really is trying to tell me something I can't quite understand yet. As does the picture below it, where the people are looking at the stars.

The fact that you were on the phone so long, and denied so many times - it hurts and I don't know what to do about it. Is there something I can do to help you, Beth? I'm pretty much useless but I want you to get better, not only from your infection but also to have more people to talk to. Please let yourself be taken care of for a while.

Maybe I'll try to research options for people to talk to, or something, while you do that. Or places to volunteer over the summer when I'm done with school for a while.

And thinking about you.

Veralidaine said...

I am sorry you are very sick, Beth, and I hope you are doing a lot of resting and accepting love and caring.

I like Eiki Eiki and I think that she can give you a lot of help with reading-- after all, you wouldn't want her to get through the pile of manga and have nobody to discuss it with, right?

I have a plush elephant named Elephant Queen after the mystery author Ellory Queen. I got her when I was 4 years old and slept with her every night until I was 18. When I was 18 I got my dog and decided for Elephant Queen's safety I should probably put her out of his reach, so now she presides over my closet and comes out for hugs when I need some comforting. I don't think she can read, but she sure is a good cuddler.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Thank you so much for your comments and I will continue to comment back as able. I have had a significant downturn as both nights I had um, well - lets call it stomach flu but it isn't a flu - I am not absorbing anything through my stomach, it happened again last night - it goes through the night so I am somewhat sleep deprived, and now my kidneys may be shutting down (I vote for "no!" the evidence so far is yes.) I am now on a liquid diet only and I haven't actually absorbed any food since um, Sunday I think they said. Nor slept overnight since monday, due to illness, fever for many days. So yes, kind of scared. Particularly as I have no GP. But I am going to do a blog today! haha. But I am NOT going to do a tour of the farmer's markets this weekend, assuming I am not in a coma or the like this weekend - I don't know why or how I still move as I don't absorb food, have had to have bad crampy nights for two straight nights (Last night I told the night nurse, "I can't do it again, I can't, I can't!!" - it was half plea and prayer - but I did somehow.).

Thank you again, really for the comments. I have to lie down again.

foxaz said...

Elizabeth, I hope very much that you are feeling better and getting the rest you need. Here is a big hug from me (((E)))) and much love for you and your loved ones.

I always wonder, after reading about your parents, how two such cold and unloving people could have given birth to you, who has so much love and caring for others. You have the smile of an angel and the strength of a warrior.

You have much love and respect from me.

SharonMV said...

Dear Beth,
So sorry for the bad nights & continuing illness. I hope you are keeping up with the liquids. Wish i could sit with you & read Manga to you & all the plushies. Three of my bears are literate - the others may be too young.

Chloe the kitten has been busy & has had several misadventures. But no harm done, she is fine. She is six months old now and into her teen cat years. I'll write to & tell you the stories when I've got a bit more time.

I will think of you tonight and hold my little black box.

Sharon