I am wearing an eye-patch (ARRRG!) and not really sure what day it is because I am not doing well. What stupid phrases we have, “not doing well.” Okay, normally when I have a ‘good’ day it means I can dress myself mostly and maybe go outside and a ‘bad’ day means I feel pain all day and feel like crap. But see, those are all above the critical thresh-hold called, “life sustaining.” Which right now I am dipping in and out of.
Yesterday, or recently I had a little bad medical thing, which became a big bad medical thing, which then became a bigger thing and started to include significant blood loss and other systems and suddenly it is past 5:00 am and I did not know know if I would be able to breathe off oxygen or when I lay down to sleep. I really hate being afraid, or terrified. Slow dying=no fun (remember that kids!).
I lay down to sleep anyway.
During the night part of my heart collapsed (an atrophied ventrical) and Linda had to pull my body over onto my back and help me breath, it felt and tasted like I choking in blood. That wasn't fun. Then after I did sleep a long time and got ‘better’, upon waking I kept passing out: or to be accurate I lost control of my autonomic system which included consciousness, breathing, and sluggy heart beating. Linda and Cheryl were on the phone: it was ‘if this happens’ or ‘if this doesn’t stop happening’ then we go to hospital. Because when you have black fingers and hands AFTER 8 hours of sleep, and stop breathing I would need to have a tube down my throat in hopes it would keep me alive.
So today was ‘rest day.’ Except I did a blog post for the Postcard Project and a few other things (like spending a few hours starting my sale of manga to raise money). So the rest part will start really soon (honest) because I am past the ‘little better’ and back to passing out again (like I just looked at the clock and lost 40 minutes somewhere…put on Twilight Zone music). Plus I don’t want to go to hospital tonight.
So I am no longer in the nice somewhat stable ‘remission’ section (though Linda goes, “What remission? X is degenerating, Y is getting worse, and Z, sheesh, that doesn’t work at all!” – hey, I never got my remission, so now I am having one, okay!). Instead I am back in the sucky, “I really hope I don’t die this morning” which moves to “this afternoon” and “this night.” I am stuck, here in this body and apartment because if ANYTHING goes wrong, like I don’t sleep well or I don’t get enough liquids or even my body decides to have some seizures, I just start tipping toward de-compensation (dying). Turns out like my computer data, I don’t have a back up (body).
I am sure I will be back inside, in the land of ‘remission’, and people will stop acting so scared and have voices go up several octaves when things happen. I hope that happens soon. So I am determined to read ALL the manga I have.....when I don’t fall head first into the book. And I will staying in bed tomorrow. (oops, there goes Linda passing out from surprise!) As I am having too many problems breathing. But I am still making choices right(‘should I gasp and fall sideways in the study or the bedroom?’)? And if I could think of a good joke about it all, I would say it (boy will Booth Gardner be pissed if I show up in a black body bag?!).
See ya! Don’t worry, I HAVE to live, I have an art book from Akadot coming, and I need to take pictures from the book for the blog. And I hear it is REALLY hard to blog once dead. Screw Bronze: Zombie Edition. (whisper: 'not dead yet')
3 hours ago