I have been accused of a great deal of things by a number of (anonymous) individual, including being a thief, a liar (mostly a liar), and again the implication that I am a cult leader (please bring the police BACK!): “I'll "hide" behind anon, cause I see how angry you were at Lindas boss.” Er? The death ray on my new chair is entirely fictional!
This has gone on long enough. I am accused, without a face, of yet another form of lying. The accusation that if I get angry, I want to harm someone, if I ask people NOT to harass someone, I am also asking them TO harass or harm someone (see comments in last post if this makes no sense). And quite honestly, this warped world view is an illness which the internet assists. But it is also an illness which hurt me and those I love.
I am often (anonymously or not) accused of lying, that I just can’t write so well. That I can’t have Raynaud’s and work at a variety of jobs (which the post on Raynaud’s show that people do, unless they all lie as well). That I can’t have a memory dysfunction and yet be able to write, different than before, slower, but with edits and practice, that it must be impossible, or that I am lying is some way. I ask these people, please believe in more than what you have limited your minds to. I do what is possible, not what the limitation of what is expected. If the limit of your mind is all ill people should lie down, then I will always be an affront to you. Believe in yourself for goodness sakes, believe that humans CAN defy what tries to limit us. I am burdened, I am bruised, but I am not dead yet.
I have a new rule. Whether the people who post Anon or not realize it, some of them are ill. So if you want to post Anon, I have no problem with that.....as long as anyone with these intense feelings (doubt, that I am a liar, etc) visit the postcard project and ask for a postcard. You will see a sample of what type of postcard you might get, you can ask for the type of postcard you want and you will get a gift FREE. And every few months following free again. Why? Because I care about you as a human being and there is something wrong in this world when cynical nature is allowed free reign. Perhaps it comes when leaders of countries get up and say they are liars and they need to be. I don’t and I’m not.
Basically this is put up or shut up. There is no limit to what the different Anon’s want; the BBC is not enough for them, photos, videos, pictures of me losing weight is not enough, reports from specialist are not enough. There come some point where, no, actually, I don’t need to scan all my medical reports on-line. It is the very nature of my being open and honest which draws the people who seem to disbelieve that such things can occur (unless every other blogger who doesn’t post their name, the links to newspapers, online journals, videos of themselves and other things gets this level of harassment regarding their disability – please let me know).
So, you ask for a postcard, I send the postcard, you either graduate to a name....or shut up. You have asked for proof that I am who I say I am. If a couple hundred thousand words and several hundred pictures are not enough, then nothing will be. To the Anon’s: You are ill. I am trying to help you get better. I want to show you that though, full of bile and with a sickness with distorts the view of the world…..you CAN get better. You can regain your trust in at least some people. Or you can choose to remain as you are. But not here.
If any individual feels that I have stolen from them, please contact me. I will return what you feel has been stolen from you with as much extra as I have available. Because the idea that someone genuinely believes that I took from them without appreciation, without thanks and a feeling of love from the manga I read, to the probiotics which allow me to digest food, to the rubbers stamps and postage stamps you see in the new Postcard Project post, have all been put into use.
Yes, I did beg for Linda’s sake, (also on the street for Kittens in Japan), David has enough press I hope jaded minds believe he exists. Again, if anyone feels defrauded for Linda’s sake I will do what I can to repay you. I am selling manga on ebay Half of the money is going to pay what I borroew from my father some months ago, regardless that he doesn’t talk or see me. I promised to repay when the manga was sold. I keep my word. The rest was to be given to Linda to fix up the van which takes me and my wheelchairs to hospitals, to specialist appointments and to Booth Gardner and currently has a light on saying “Check Engine” – which she did and it is going to cost a little, enough that I hope to make the money myself. To surprise her that I am more than an unemployable lump of disease, I can be of use once in a while. But if you feel that I stole from you, that Linda was not in distress. I will endeavor to pay. Money is a sad necessity regarding disability and disease. I wish it were not so. No, not having a good day if you are wondering.
For regular readers, I am sorry this is rehashed AGAIN, it is just that having been in contact with different people, including my own father, (the one who only sees me once every few months) hinting that the blog is a source of strange fiction; that since I write fiction, then all this MUST be a work of fiction, as it is interesting and entertaining, but it is not REAL. Not like happens to REAL people like them kind of REAL (you know the scary late at night REAL), something they don’t want to believe (who wants to believe a daughter dying). Except that statement or implication is incredibly painful for me. Because as I struggle with so much, for example the fact I don’t have working bowels (this takes up WAY too much time when you don’t!) plus regulating temperature, oxygen levels, and anti-seizure meds, while I try to produce a post every two days. I try to say HERE what it is like, show what is like, the good and the bad. To show it in a way I cannot say anywhere else, to people who can understand: the fear, the pain, the frustration, the moments of joy, the moments of morbid humor, and the just going on in spite of it. That to have a disease or a chronic illness sucks, but it also creates a unique human experience that I want to chronicle: even if people who read don’t want to believe.
No, it isn’t like the movies, the hospitals are four to a room, unless it is Critical Care and then it is 12 or 16 to a room. And there is no billionaire Roomie who is going to let you write up a list and then fly you off in a private jet. You will however hear more monitors than you ever wanted; you will overhear the staff talk about how number 12 died or asking what they are doing this weekend. And more often than not, it is on here, the internet that you find members with your disease or with chronic conditions which help you from feeling alone and isolated, from surviving the ‘bump of disbelief’ yourself: Not ME!
I was going to talk about a shotgun marriage I was forced into recently, and will do that tomorrow, as soon as is possible. Because I am starting to get intimate, and they haven’t even asked me my name! But that is for tomorrow. Sorry today was ‘Beth’s triggered insecurity’ day. Geez, I have a cluster of anon’s about me! Either get some postcards or “Shoo! Shoo!”
20 hours ago