Saturday, December 13, 2008

Sunshine bye-bye; 52 postcards in one day!

Yes, there is nothing like having a peaceful and blissful day, taking it as it comes, with a bit of tea, and some sunshine on the face. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW!

Yes, sleet and snow comes to Victoria (I hear the rest of Canada and parts of the USA cheering!). Plus, I had a wee bit of a meltdown, which meant that Beth has antibiotic cream on her arms because it turns out that I had sort of pushed myself as far as I could mentally. I sort of played the mature/strong adult figure until I had so much information, I just went into a puddle (a sort of self destructive puddle which means cutting and taking a GRATER to my skin, and then wrote “I sin” in my own blood on myself – to do with money, I think? I had bought something for like $20, I don’t know anymore). I am not proud of it, it is just, when enough stress builds up in certain ways or I feel I have let Linda down, then eventually, after so many weeks (and it has been many weeks), I have a little meltdown, in which the only person I hurt is myself. This blog is about honesty. I am trying to change the way I deal with these things, I am trying to be more open but also recognize when I am starting to hit these limits (or have Linda help me recognize them).

Anyway, after I slept, I got up and I started working on sending an email to each and EVERY person who asked for a postcard. A few didn’t send addresses. Please send address! So, sending about 55 emails didn't stress me, failing Linda over $20 or $50 dollars at the right time: Spiral of self destruction. Go figure.

Did someone get the word out? I think so because we did 52 postcards from requests from 2:00 pm onward TODAY (or Friday). Bam! So I think this will be one of the higher volume weekends. We are now, after doing the matching (the longest part), a bit wobbly and staring the 1000 yard stare. Linda and I are clutching each other and staring at the computer, whispering, “No new mail! No new mail!” It was a LOT of emails and a lot of stickers to make up. But I wanted to do it and I know we will enjoy getting to know these people, just today, it was a bit....WOW!

I am sorry I haven’t been getting the comments done as much as I should. Thank you everyone who reads, and comments, they do cheer me up. Just in case you are wondering, The Postcard Project got more hits than Screw Bronze today. I said to Cheryl and Linda, “What if 25% of those 435 people since 2 p.m. who visited decided to request a postcard?!” We all shuddered to think. You know, there is success and then there is SUCCESS (I PRAY that CNN does not pick up this story!). I hope you are all having a great weekend. Tomorrow we are finishing some matching, doing the stamping and then after the nap, stickering and writing. So, hopefully, lots of little breaks for tea and such.


Abi said...

Ouch! That is certainly not the intended purpose of a grater. It must be horrible getting into that state; I hope that you are feeling calmer now, though.

I must confess that today I am having a "taking it as it comes" sort of day. There are things I must achieve (including taking a shower and getting out of the house looking presentable this evening), but the rest of the time is my own. I shall have a cup of tea soon.

I am pleased at the success of your postcard request; I really hope that it works out for you, though! That's a lot of stickers and stamps to apply!

Sending gentle hugs xxx

wendryn said...

That's a lot of postcards! I hope you have fun! I'm sorry about the hard parts, though. *hugs*

Lene Andersen said...

Ever an overschiever, aren't you? I was thinking... you've been such a good role model in so many ways - now, if you could only start modelling that balance thing I hear so much about, maybe I'd do it, too. ;)

Sorry you hit meltdown status. We all get there and we all express it, just in different ways. It saddens me that yours comes out in self-harm, but you have helped me understand that it brings relief.

Do please try to have some quality time with Linda and Cheryl in between the worl this weekend. Remember that thing in the Bible about resting on the 7th day? Do that, will ya?

Your Bossy Sister

rachelcreative said...

Sorry to hear about your meltdown. Happy to hear about your postcard success. Hope it stays manageable and you don't get thousands of requests ... at least not all in one day ;o)

It was sleeting here today.

I had roasted chesnuts. Yummy.

Veralidaine said...

Whoops, I think the flood is my fault. Sorry about that? Ask and ye shall receive... way more requests than you intended to ask for?

Dawn Allenbach said...

Hooray for getting postcards done! The Three Musketeers are phenomenal. Fifty-two is quite a lot for one day.

I meant to write you an email yesterday about your honesty about masturbation and loss of sensation, but I got absorbed in a book -- a "for fun" book which are so rare in my life these days. I will email you, though, so we can commiserate together.

Neil said...

Beth, you're wonderful. I'm not cheering about the weather there, though. In Regina it is currently -24C with a north wind at 32 km/hr, giving a wind chill of -38. The temperature has been dropping all day, and is headed to -30C tonight.

And tomorrow the temperature is forecast to stay nice and steady at -30. Not looking for sympathy, or an airline ticket to Warm, but I'm not laughing at your temperature either, dear, 'cause I know that Victoria tends to stop dead when you get snow. The City here just ploughs it into windrows, often on the sidewalk, which the City expects property owners to keep clear. Even though the windrow is left by the City, and it's like iron after it settles for more than a minute or two.

I suspect that it's the 8-2 yr-old part of your brain that lacks restraint at shopping time. Maybe you should regress to being an adult about that. Sorry, I shouldn't analyze you like that. I'll try to stop.

52 cards in one day?!? Team EFFM rocks!

As for the cutting and grating, I understand that it would be hard to stop, but I wish you could. Skin is important, especially when it's so hard for it to heal.

Positive, non-destructive thoughts for you, positive, patient thoughts for Linda, and grateful positive thoughts to Cheryl for being there. And love and zen hugs to everyone,

Maggie said...

Hi Beth-Glad you accomplished a huge feat of 52 postcards. You could play a card game with that many! I'm sorry you felt the need to self mutilate. Whatever it was that started the voices, please don't believe them. You are not a bad person, you don't sin, and certainly taking a grater to yourself over 20.00 isn't necessary. You have a true family that loves you and you can find support in them rather than resorting to self punishment. We love you. I am glad you can be honest with us.
Look on the good side...if CNN picks up the postcard project story, maybe you would also get some good healthcare too!
Lots of love!Maggie

Elizabeth McClung said...

Abi: Yes, they should put a warning on the side "Do not grate your skin until raw or bleeding" - lol.

Much better now, I hope you have a good cup of tea and take things as they come day.

Yes, we realized we have the postcards, but are running a bit out of stickers. Oh well, that is the problem of success.

Wendryn: Hey! Thanks for commenting. We are going to do the blocking and rubber stamping today. Yeah, well we fall, we go splat and we go on, right? At least that is how it goes for me!

Lene: Yeah, what is that word, "Balance" I keep hearing people use, it is like "Relax" - it is some sort of higher math abstract theory like fractals that one can never understand?

See, there you go using that confusing "rest" word - I think it was, work really hard on six days and then feel very bad and guilty about being such a bad person on the seventh wasn't it? Or did I get the wrong programming.

THanks - I will try to become more, um, or less, er, extreme? Thankfully I have people to catch me so a meltdown is a small thing instead of a week long event (also thanks to the fine Belgian company who makes my med!).

RachelCreative: Well, our previous record for ONE day was 13, and we are used to like 15 a week, so I said, "Bring it on!" and wow, it came! But I don't regret it, I'm not doing any packages this month so I know I will feel good on Sunday when they all go off, and hopefully there will be people among them who it will make a difference.

Lucky you, I miss roasted things like those candy covered peanuts!

Veralidiane: No, I am happy, I just got a bit shock struck that right now the Postcard Project is getting more site traffic than here. And we were going, "What if like FOX picks this up as a Xmas story, we'll be innundated!" - but when they all go out in the post Sunday night, I will be very happy. There are a few sort of wierd jerks who think this is some sort of scam and so are sort of abuse and rude, but hey, that probably shows how lonely they are that they could use some proof that the whole world isn't a big scam, and they don't need to be that way, at least not all the time.

So no, happy! I asked and they came, thank you if you helped that.

Dawn: Thanks, Yes, when it comes to mentioning unmentionable, like masturbation or graters, I am up there. If you have the magic fantasy, please pass along. I know what you mean about getting to read something just for pleasure with all the work you have done recently. Oh, I sent a postcard to your other address, so I hope you get it or will get it soon!

Neil: Well, our weather isn't that bad but it is pretty nasty, lots of vertical sleet instead of horizontal.

No actually it is the 8-12 year old part of my brain that doesn't understand the info overload, 8 year olds don't really have a great need for Doujinshi artbooks. And sadly it isn't like a button or bike gear you can just change, it is what it is most of the time, I have times when I am fully adult with my vocab but most times not.

Yeah, sort of rocks, sort of staggers right now - off to do stamping!


yanub said...

I like your attitude about the rude people who think that you must be running a scam, that they, more than anyone, need to be reminded that people can just be nice for no reason other than they wish to be nice.

Ow, with the grater! I sliced the tip of my thumb open beginning of last week, inadvertantly, and had to duck tape it shut. I'm not sure what to put on grated skin though. Probably not duck tape. I'm going to send you something to punish yourself with that is less injurious.

Sleet and snow. We had some in Texas. I hope that's it for the winter season, but if it means precipitation, and that's how we have to take it, well, may we have more. These droughts are getting to be quite annoying.

SharonMV said...

Dear Beth,
52 postcards! That's amazing. I sent you an e-mail, hope it didn't get lost among the flood of postcard requests.

We are having cold and soon rain here. I was wanting to do some work, but having major energy deficit at the moment. So I've been drinking tea and watching old Christmas movies. Dennis is working late again & I'm planning to do some cards this evening.

I'm sorry that you had a meltdown & went to that dark place again. When you inflict harm on yourself, it upsets & saddens me. And I also worry because your immune system is weaker now because of illness & the cutting (or grating!) could lead to an infection. It's good that you used some antibiotic cream. I've been in that place - emotional overload, meltdown, when you're just overwhelmed with pain. It's hard not to turn to destructive behavior.

I hope you & Linda enjoy the rest of the weekend. And all that stamping & sticker applying to do! That sounds like fun. Yes, but d take plenty of tea breaks.


Elizabeth Heller said...

hey beautiful! take a break!

i am tired of winter already. and i moved to the south to get away from Chicago winters. oops. also tired of being an adult, too expensive...
i am trying to plan a wedding, on my boyfriends grad student stipend, the result is a lot of swearing.

btw, i intend to steal your "middle name" if you don't mind. i was having some trouble earlier and felt inspired. i think about you alot these days, and am glad you are my friend.

have a lovely sunday, and drink that tea!

Lisa Moon said...

Oh, I'm so sad that you're reaching meltdowns and I DO desperately hope that there are other, less damaging ways to express your pain. Not that I have some brilliant answer, but it hurts me to not be able to offer something, so I feel I must express how often I think of you and wish so hard that wonderful things come your way.

WOW on the postcards! Then again, if a network hears of this, perhaps some might send a little cash to cover your costs of your lovely customized creations.

Although snow isn't too disability friendly, it does look pretty for a few hours or days. My friend is just returning from Saskatoon where she said it would be something like -39 today! Brrr!!!

Raccoon said...

So, I should have the local paper drop that particular public interest story?

I was reading a news article sometime within the last couple of weeks on self harm. Apparently more people in the late teens and early 20s are doing this than have been documented before. I think I understand, from reading the article, a little more about it than I did before.

I still don't like to hear of you doing it, though.

Weather wise, be glad it isn't New England. Something like 2.5 million customers without power because of an ice storm.

FridaWrites said...

Thank you for your honesty about what you experience, how you experience it. Such difficult pain.

Sleet and snow, we had those this week!

I had to go to the ER briefly today for very low blood pressure but seem to be okay. I don't know what's up, but I'm fine for now. What I want to say is that I came home to a beautiful postcard from you, and that was wonderful--the picture on it is my idea of romance--my husband also said it reminded him of our relationship. Thank you! You have some beautiful stamps.

Denise said...

You need some Sambakza!
There She Is (the Korean cat-bunny love animation) is a 5-part series, now complete. I won't lie: Parts 3 & 4 are rather sad, but I am relieved to see the end of the story. I won't spoil it for you. ♥

Anna said...

Eh, not thinking of relaxing.....well that wouldn't be you would it.Sorry about your darkmoments. Whish that words like, stop doing that, your'e a great person and much loved helps, but I suppose peolpe said that already.

Anyway, glad that you seem better.

About snow, it's white and nice (or rater greyish) in sweden and watching your squirrel pictures (mild weather) I was just wondering what kind of climate Victoria has.

Have a nice sunday

ps. I was at a christmas concert you would have like, a male choir with 90% gays, and a crossdressed "Lucia". Very christmassy and beautiful music. A friend of mine sings in the choir. I tried to flirt with a nice lesbian on the row behind me, but she paid NO attention. So I ended up leaving with the same old fags as usual:)

Neil said...

Lisa: Saskatoon is at -34 right now, with an 11km/hr wind, for a wind chill of -44. Regina is -30, but the wind is NW 30, for a -46 windchill. Congratulate your friend on getting out while the getting was good.

Beth: thanks for the correction. I see ads and "typical" preteens who aren't able to choose one thing: they want everything. I guess my 12-yr-old has gotten over that, mostly. And he has a vicious vocabulary and gets frustrated too, then gets tongue-tied and can't tell us what's wrong. He recently came home from school very upset. My Beloved handed him J.K. Rowling's "Tales of Beedle the Bard" and he disappeared into that world for an hour or two, then felt much better.

Sorry, Im rambling again.

I wish I could visit you in person. I shall, instead, have a second cup of tea, and disappear into some proofreading.

Love and hugs,

Elizabeth McClung said...

I didn't FINISH 52 postcard, the closest I came was getting the emails, emailing each person back and then trying to do matching, which took until 5:00am, and still wasn't done, then still had to do the rubber and other stamping, wait to dry, to the stickering and then write the postcard. But it was a START.

Maggie: If I could do 52 in a day, I would apply for Sainthood because that WOULD be a miracle, haha. Ah, I love the optimistic side, the only reason a story would be picked up is because it is simple "Terminal girl gives back" - while "Terminal girl has many doctors and interlinking systems which are failing her in the healthcare system and how did that happen exactly?" is not simple and not Xmasy, so that wouldn't be mentioned. Poor sick girl, writing postcards (if she is partially blind too that helps!) is meat for the Xmas feeling fodder.

Yanub: Thanks, I think this is part of my Act not react, sort of how everyone is or will be a disability advocate, the people who are the most scarred emotionally and most cynical need a postcard the most, to show them that there is caring and "something for nothing" SOMETIMES (but don't believe someone wants to give you 14 million dollars from an African country).

Snow in Texas, I knew it must happen but I didn't think about it, hope things are okay and everyone doesnt' drive crazy - what am I talking about, weekend shopping before Xmas, they ARE driving crazy, particularly in shopping mall parking lots!

Sharon: Ahh, I want your life, I want to watch movies and lie in bed - I know your life is more complicated than that but it is great image, I would watch Bells of Saint Mary and Going My Way.

Elizabeth Heller: I will take a break once the Coho leaves with the postcards on it!

Congrats on the Wedding Prep, that's great but also considered one of the greatest stresses of a person's life - but still congrats.

Help yourself, we need a EFH out there!

Lisa: Well, I don't break plates or anything, I suppose there are better ways, I just haven't been able to find one as yet.

Haha, I would like to believe that but since I have help the local paper and monday do many issues on disability and haven't gotten a mug or t-shirt out of it even, I am not holding my breath.

Raccoon: No, go ahead with the story in the paper (or was that a joke), I just said I was overwhelmed.

Okay REALLY glad that I have power as I don't have enough canned oxygen to keep me not having bad things happen. Besides it would slow me down!

Frida: I am sorry you went to the hospital, I hope they found something or gave you something to prevent it happening again? I am glad you enjoyed the postcard. And even more so that it remind you AND your husband of your relationship.

Denise: I LOVE the Sambukza, I have watched part 1 about 200 times over the last year or two - they are on youtube as well, but I don't have a unzip thing so your link doesn't work for me. But I found them on Youtube searching for 'There she is' and Cheryl and I watched the first one again - I will watch the other when the postcards are done!

Anna: I will relax, promise and before that saying, "I'll relax when I'm dead!" - no, I will relax when I am alive. The UK and Victoria have the same sort of climate, just less flooding over here usually.

Sounds like a great concert, I am glad you had friends to go with, but bummer on not getting the 'hey lets make some winter love!' messages back from the lesbian - I have flirted in church, but usually with the Pastor's wife!

Drake said...

Oh comment got chomped...serves my right in trying to comment from my cell...

I understand...we all sin...and it is not good that you hurt your self, but I understand... I sometimes get driven to do a bit more harsh things...but seeing as I am still here, I am still resisting the urges...or am I...

I wonder if you would agree with me that emotional distress is so more painfull than physical... I have seen my physical pain threshold...the point where you know you WILL pass out with more pain...yet, it still does not get close to comparing with emotional pain.

I am really glad you got such a great response on the PCP ;D I know how much it means to you and to the people that receive them. Next time, remember that even though you make up for it in spades with what you do for others.

Take care of your self my dear... Sending you loads and loads of love.


Drake said...

Oh yea...just to mention... Part of having BPD, means I at times need a steady hand on the finances too :P. Apparently, I do have a compulsive buying thingy that I never realised...but when I think back, I can see how that makes sense and how it could get out of hand.

Sometimes I wish the shrink would just have kept that part to her self but somehow, I guess being annoyed and frustrated with one self about "over spending" is better than sitting with heaps and heaps of late bills due to some compulsion to buy things when you are allready in a lurch...heh...

I just sometimes wonder what IS normal... It is normal to at times do things or buy things that you later why do they say my spending is not "normal"... I know I at times buy things I don't really need...or that I buy too much at once...but how is that not "normal"...ugh any way...

If the shrinks could just explain things at times or at least give some sort of guideline as to what is "normal" in a "normal" world where "normal" is defined by a standard deviation and if you are not within that standard deviation, what does that make you? A deviant? heh...

In that case, just call me a Deviant...cus it seems that very little of me fall into a standard deviation of some or another sort... I really saying all this out loud? Ahh! HECK! I just came back up from a Manic drop and now I am climbing again to a Manic top...grrr!

Sorry dear...didn't want to talk your ear off...erm...shutting up now...if I can...Ahh HECK!

Dawn Allenbach said...

You sent the postcard to the Knsas address? Yay! I'll be watching for it.