Thursday, December 11, 2008

Catgirls, postcards, masturbation and the future.

What am I doing?Why finding shapes in the clouds of course! No, I am trying to figure out how to become a better partner, a better person, and a more honest blogger. Linda told me to blog with honesty, not for comments, or readers but for myself. Yes, the comments matter, but she feels that my need to write matters too. So this is what I decided yesterday and today in contemplation: I am going to try to React emotionally less, and try to act instead. That plan worked for a WHOLE 90 minutes. Part of the problem is the disease, part of the degeneration of the mind means that effectively I have the emotional aspect, much of the time of a 8 to 12 year old, but the vocabulary of someone quite older. Plus, as my mind continues to erase parts of my life, the most emotionally vivid are left: my dreams, my struggles, but also my horrors. And so, I have inadvertently offended people because I reacted out of proportion of the situation, for an adult. But I am still going to keep trying.

So I try to not REACT, though when I got the ‘nasty’ EEG tech on Wednesday, I couldn’t help do a little debate to wind her up, which she got revenge on by having ‘the last word’ while telling me I had to stay still or ruin the test. Then when removing the 12 electrodes stuck in my hair and scalp, the hair that is thinning even more, she ‘saved time’ by simply grabbing the cord they all connected to and YANKED, ripping all the electrodes (and bits, and chunks of hair) off of my head with force. She also came over when I could not move, and kept raising my arm and dropping it to see the dead weight. We COULD have used that data to compare how I am sending OUT the signal to move but nothing is happening IF she had made a note, but she was sort of annoyed at me because I wasn’t moving and came over and played with different body parts. Professional? Um, I thought morticians had more respect for the body.

I have a favor and something of interest to ask you to take a bit of time to look at. The first is my Postcard Project. I know, Elizabeth and her Postcard Project. I would like you to ask to think of anyone, including yourself who would like a postcard in the next week or two. Because as people become busy, rushing around, there are some who are NOT going to office parties and who are not having a ‘good time.’ And maybe like me, who are estranged from their family. Or maybe who don’t get a lot of Xmas cards. Please post around about the project, I am asking as a favor. I know last time I got offended because I was depicted as a poor crippled woman who needed something to do. But you know what, I am poor, I am crippled and I do need to send out postcards, it is in my blood. I don’t care if I am portrayed as the little match girl reincarnated. I don’t care if the people are able bodied, I LOVE sending postcard, I don't care if they are super able bodied, or have superpowers or are famous. Or they think it is amusing. I don’t care. I just want to send the postcards. I am NOT going to let myself React, I will act. Honest!

I ended up talking today in an interview about accessibility in Victoria about the Postcard Project. Because I said that for me, accessibility is making sure that everyone is included, that everyone is having the same good time, the same standard of experience. I told the reporter that I realized that I was privileged before, sure I had tried to eliminate any discrimination on race, and worked toward gender and sexual orientation equality (sigh, but if only those heterosexuals would just, you know, not BROADCAST the orientation SO much with kisses on TV, and that! Sorry, still working on that one). But I never looked at people using walkers or those using a cane, or a wheelchair or any assistive device or brace and thought ‘that could be me’. No, that was THEM and I was me, and so when I fenced or I did sports or taught or was in church or participated in society, I would make some accommodation IF TOLD TO. But I never looked around and said to myself, “All of us, we will have the same level of experience.” And worked toward that. Because they (a wheelchair, for goodness sakes) weren’t like ME.

I’m ashamed of that.

So when the reporter asked about the Postcard Project I told him that is was my attempt at postal accommodation. That with impediment or not, that stuck inside due to snow or ill health or not, lonely or not, healthy or not ALL would be equal in The Postcard Project. That is why I would ask for a favor and have if possible that people list about the Postcard Project, and link to it in boards or with people, or on forums that I DO want to send people postcards, very much. This isn’t my penance, this is my progress.

The second thing is that a man named David Wybenga in Japan is helping me find some postcards. He and his wife run a program in Kyoto called The Japan Cat Network, because in Japan, problems (like disabled people for example), are not talked about and pretended not to be seen. Stray cats is one of these problems, here is an English article from The Japan Times on it. Very few stray cats are neutered, many cats are simply abandoned in ill health. David and Susan do a Trap, Neuter and Release program, they take ill cats to the vet and take in abandoned kittens before they die. For instance Sylvie was misidentified on intake as they post Sylvia's picture on the webpage and say “is actually a boy...” Oh well, gender bending fun for cats too! They have a page which lists ways to help, from a donation (you can even sponsor a specific cat), to helping translate (English to Japanese or back), to buying a T-shirt, sending cat toys, or cat food to (oh why do I live so far away!?), coming to attend the monthly cat ‘play days.’

This of course, in true anime style got me to thinking of cat girls (a common anime theme! What is better than a cat, and a girl? So first I had to find the ‘Linda’ catgirl. Here she is: she is professional and businesslike and only relaxes at home when she gets her fur combed out and then gets high on catnap and chasing birds that ALWAYS get away. As for me, here I am in a stylized, “Anne of Green Gables” catgirl. This would probably finally make my mother happy, but in reality, to those who know me in person and on line, that’s not really me is it? No, the truth (and I am trying for honesty here), is that THIS is me as a cat; a little insecure, a little neurotic (talks to herself, talks to her plushie), and a little in need of reassurance more than the usual cat. Also tends to ‘run away’ to like...the garden, and then sulks when no one notices and comes back. Then brings back a falling leaf she 'caught and killed' and wants to be rewarded.

Just as I know there are many cat owners out there (and I would love to be one of them!), and cat lovers, that this might be a project you would find of interest. Since this is a very global blog. Knitters please wait, I WILL have a knitting themed blog post in the near future, yes, be still all of our beating hearts.

Thank you for reading and for checking out the sites and if possible for passing on info about the postcard project. I have met some wonderful people and friends through the last time, and yes, I have a lot of people I send postcards to that I haven’t heard back from but that isn’t the point. That the postcards went out and they got them is the point!

The question for me, which I don’t know if I have faced is, who am I going to be in the future. We don’t talk about the future except for dying. Well, there is a space of time between NOW and dying and that is the future. And that is what I want to talk about. Because in a lot of ways, I have been so busy trying to make the future longer, or better that I kept missing it entirely, until it became the past. And quite honestly, sitting in front of lilies (waiting to die) and always looking backward, at what was, is okay, but not a life. It works for a time, but then my legs get all cramped, well they don’t actually because they don’t feel, but it is silly and stupid. Get up and go and DO something.

Okay, I am not the same Elizabeth who wrote Zed, which is a good book (oh and on sale at Linda's website again, we got a shipment from the publisher!), not my BEST novel, but a good book. I have realized I am not going to be the person who I dream, or dreamt of being, or who I liked being in my casual moments (this picture is for Cheryl). I am severely disabled and that is that. I spent a great deal of my time in an environment much more like this (if you just imagine a wheelchair, tons of books, stacks of paper, boxes of postcards, boxes of stickers, and everything from nose cream to stop my nose bleeding to steroid inhalers to keep my lungs open) instead of that clean table top.

I have good memories but I am never again going to be what I trained to be, no matter how many fencing and epee books I have. No matter how many dreams I have where I am fencing or have a sword in my hand again. This is wonderful to look at and wonderful for a time, a small time, to remember, but then, I need to move on.

A great deal of my life, when I am not in my hospital bed, or at the computer is spent like this (only I DON’T have a real cat to hold, but I have something close!). A little lonely, a little frustrated, trying not to be angry or sad. 'Being' means dealing with what comes: today my hands were shaking for the first four hours or so (couldn't hold a drink that well), and now they are still shaking but only a little, so I can type. I live in my mind; a mind which I know will probably erase everything in a few days. And to be honest, if I had more sensation, I would find the perfect story or fantasy and then I would masturbate again and again and again (hey, I forget every few days and the fantasy is just as good the 2oth time - perfect plan). Okay, yes, probably NOT what you thought I would be doing, that I would be writing the UN. Okay, fine! When I’m not masturbating, I’ll change the world, how about that?

See, honesty. I wake up horny some days, I just can’t seem to do anything about it – but with some tips from the MS society, I am trying (but oh GOD is it frustrating to get so CLOSE!). I have created myself a few jobs: the postcard project is a big one and I am going slowly through and editing some of the essays to try and make a book about degenerative and chronic disabilities. About the real stuff, which does yes, include the days you are high as a kite because they got the pain meds a little wrong (but in a GOOD WAY!). But also the days of crying, and of feeling that as a person, I can’t go on, that I was permantly BROKEN. But humans are unique and resilient. We do go on.

One thing I forgot for a while, because I was so worried about the pain, and that I was dying was about my future. I have an outline of a plan. Money from publisher is not coming, so I will work on another book. Because I want to be in Hawaii in the spring with Linda, Cheryl and anyone else that wants to join us – lets go to the Onsen! I will sell anime, I will sell books, I will sell things of the past, the life that I do not have. Because I will, yes, with some emotional pain, look to the future. I am taking off my wings. I am going to be mundane, if that is possible for someone with an open file as a cult leader and possible murderer! I am going to slog away at things and try to do a good job today so that I can reap the rewards in the future. I am going to spend quality time with Linda now, so our relationship is as strong or stronger than when this started. I told someone today, “Well, MSA has a 100% mortality rate… FAR.” It isn’t over until it is over. And while I am not a sword maiden anymore, I am not going to just wait around to die. I hope you have a great weekend. Cheryl and Linda and I will be doing postcards (and hopefully filling the new requests that pour in!).


SharonMV said...

Dear Beth,
I want a cat girl picture too! I can identify with the insecure cat. And sitting in a room, alone, holding something close (my cat doesn't always co-operate when it comes to being held & cuddled, so I'm often using a plush substitute). And yes, I do talk to them - the kitty & the teddy bears. Have to keep up my conversational skills somehow. And I'm often in my room surrounded by many pill bottles, an inhaler or two. But this is my life and I live it day by day. It's normal for me. A good day is when I can get some work done - a card or present, prep work for stickers or art projects. Some days are very emotional, others are not, many are a mixture. I have hope for the future, but it is not certain. I want to go out, be with people, be in nature, travel. I don't know if these things will happen. I need to enjoy what I can do now. To be with the people who care enough to accept me as I am & who come to see me here. To feel those flickers of joy, the moment of happiness that come amidst the hours of pain & grief.

Thank you dear Elizabeth for your beautiful, brave & wise words. For being my friend. For being here for all of us.


rachelcreative said...

I find I determine I *will be* a certain way and then with my neurologically dodgey brain I promptly forget the next day. It's ever so difficult.

Like sometimes I find solutions to tricky internal questions and then forget the solution, but not the problem. Incredibly frustrating (for me and those around me!).

But eventually the changes sink in. Repeating seems to eventually work it's way through some odd pathway in the spluttering brain - or I get lucky :o)

I've posted the link to your latest Postcard Project blog post in a few places online.

Hope as well as postcards you also get to spend a little time off with your lovely wife and friend this weekend.

Drake said...

No matter how many times you have to get to know me...through your memories getting wiped...and no matter how many times you get pissed at me, I will always be here...

EEG Techs... "Lie still!" when youre not even moving a muscle and "Keep your eye's shut!" ... well sorry, but having a strobing light irritating the heck out of your eyes, does cause your eyelids to flutter and accidentally open from time to time. As for those silly probes...yep, the tech also mumbled something to me about "it's faster this way" ... * yank *. I spent hours to get the gunk out of my hair and still I would get my fingers caught in a glob of it when running them through my hair. Silly tech...what did she take you for? One of the corpses at UNI they use to train on ... sheesh...

You have my word on it that I will do my best to spread the word about your post-card project, because I know how much it means to you...and to those whom get post-cards from you. I don't see my dad as being a person to respond kindly to something like that...or even visit your site without some apprehension...but if you want to, he's at the same postal address as me and he LOVE's model trains. He has a whole bunch of "Lima" model train sets of S.A. trains, sitting gathering dust in closets. He always wanted to build a proper model town and tracks but never had the time or the space... He even designed a house AND had it built specially so he can lay them out...but we sold it before he got anywhere with his trains. Did I tell you his bone-density scores came in? At one stage I misheard him that it was -3.1, but it is actually -3.8 in his back. I am seriously wondering weather there is a connection between it and his hearing difficulties... He has been losing his hearing which doctors can't find the cause of... It makes sense that the bones in his ears are losing density and so resonance...or something to that effect, but I can be wrong as apparently most of one's inner ear is cartlidge? * Shrug *

* Nods * On the equality deal, I know exactly what you mean... And I don't feel you need to feel ashamed...well at least not alone in youre shame... We don't think about it until it happens to us. It's sad, but true. It's crazy how many shopping centres doesn't even have ramps to get up unto the curb, not to mention the small alleys between cashiers you most likely have to squeeze through to pay for your goods...

Sorry about the kissing on TV ;D.

I saw the site about the cats...and that's a brilliant idea. You can't harbor all of the stray cats as it would be too expensive, yet helping them control their numbers, will eventually help them not suffer on the streets. Sorrowfully one of our neighbours cats had kittens and they didn't give a hoot about them. Jessy, our one dog caught one of the kittens, as blind as she is... The poor kitten didn't stand a chance nor can I blame Jessy... I blame the irresponsible owner.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Knowing that you will die, yet you have to...want to do something with your life. It is good to keep the fond memories and to reflect on is even better to make more fond memories for the days that you are too weak and in pain, so you have something to cherish and hang on to.

I want you to know, that I want you to live... I want you to know, that I want you to get better... But, I also understand that it is most probably not possible, so I want you to know that I want to be here for you every single moment.

I'm no more perfect than you...heck even less perfect ;D... and I too make mistakes and have my cross to bear. I too have lost and broken dreams and days that I feel I can not go on. Maybe not in the same level of difficulty, but on some level, I do understand.


P.S. Hmm...forgetting could be nice for movies ;D ... Although some, like Lord of the rings and Starwars, even I can't remember everything... even after the 20th time ;D

JaneB said...

Cats are very uncooperative about being cuddled when YOU need a cuddle and very persistent about being cuddled when THEY need a cuddle and about exactly HOW you should cuddle. They are terribly bossy and yet spook at the oddest things. EFM seems to have a lot in common with a cat...

A lovely post, again, and some cute pictures.

Neil said...

Hello: I can see you as the insecure girl in the corner, but I'd rather see you as the long-haired girl in the red dress.

Sharon: Our late Siamese cat used to enjoy lying next to the youngest son and being read to; we think he considered it a foem of purring, since he was accustomed to us reading to the kids at bedtime.

I actually kinda miss reading bedtime stories. But the youngest son has a precocious vocabulary, and was reading Harry Potte in grade two. So we missed a lot of the traditional children's stories - fairy tales, etc - with him. His reading has a children's literature-sized hole, with adult books all around it.

Beth: Youngest son is twelve now, so I can TOTALLY understand how you act. Son has learned the word "pogonotrophy" just to make his teacher earn her pay. In grade one, he told his teacher at parent/student/teacher conference that he had made her a quadrahedron, but he forgot to take it to her. She had a lovely smile and said, "That's nice, thank you," then leaned ove and whispered to me, "What's a quadrahedron?"

For all his vocabulary, though, Son is still a child who gets frustrated trying to write a simple story (so MANY possibilities that he can't choose one and just write), and gets completely stressed if his Lego project isn't progressing the way he wants it to NOW.

Oh well. We love him anyway. And we love you Beth, even when there's communication errors. Life happens.

And as far as MSA having 100% mortality rate so far: um, that's true of Life. NOBODY gets out of this world alive (so far!), so I don't bother taking it too seriously.

Beth, if you choose to send me a postcard again, I choose anything except your seme and uke friends. Those are the ones that don't do much for me. But cats, girls, corsets, Japanese, or tacky old Canadian travel postcards from Canada Pest (the ONLY ones aI can find here!!), are all just fine, coming from you.

It's interesting that you've grown by becoming "disabled" and are, in some ways, more "able" than you were before. Well, inside yourself, at least. And you've helped me grow; I thank you for that!

Love and hugs,

Maggie said...

I wish I could send Gizmo for some quality time. As a 17 lbs cat he is a true lover of all people and enjoyed his romp to see you in the car.
You know, some of those pictures with the big eyes are really creepy. Did I ever tell you that?
Have a good weekend. With the storm coming I just took Cheryl to the boat but I don't think I'll be over. Lots of love for you and Linda!

yanub said...

Life has a 100% mortality rate, so I don't know why doctors focus on mortality rates. They should focus on how to live during the time you have. They should say, you have a disease that we can't cure, that will shorten your life. But you will still live until you die, so we want you to be able to enjoy that time.

I hope you file a report on that tech for her abusive, malignant, unprofessional behavior. Shame on her.

I'm finally getting my mail out that I started two weeks ago! That you regularly get your mail finished and posted is a wonder to me. This must be why you like me, that I have the attention span of a cat. I am probably also amusing like a cat in that I run into walls and knock things over, though I'm not chasing anything except the illusion that I am coordinated. Hmmm. I am going to work on being more like a cat. I think I will try to learn to purr.

I love that there are people in Japan taking care of stray cats, though sad that there would be so many stray, unloved kitties in a nation well known for its fondness for felines. And sad that there are cats without homes, and people who would like to have cats in their homes, and the two can't be brought together.

I know there are people who bring their pets to nursing homes to brighten the days of the inmat....the residents there. I wonder if there couldn't similarly be a shut-in service, so that people who live in places tht don't allow pets or who don't have the physical ability to care for a pet could have a regular pet visitor. You could have a laid-back cat dropped off with you for the day, and picked up later so there would be no lease violation and you would get cat time! I am going to have to ask my friends in animal rescue if anyone does that sort of thing.

I will send you an address for someone, provided I get an OK from her.

Veralidaine said...

Yes, yes! I am very sad that you have lost the things you trained to be, but so happy that you see yourself with a future even if it is a short one. I don't think you should hang up your wings-- there will be a time, after Hawaii, when you need to fly again. But fold your wings for a little while and live here and now with Linda, Cheryl, and all of us on the blog-- that, you should do.

And write another book-- yes! Please! I find myself linking to your blog all the time, emailing grandparents your blog, sending it to people who I see say something intolerant about disabilities or look with pity on the spouse of someone who is chronically ill. If you finish editing your essays and get a book ready, why not use a self-publisher so you can sell it yourself without waiting for a publisher to spend a year getting ready to send it out? I know of a few-- Lulu I think is the name of one.

Or if you really want a traditional publisher, there is one I've been in contact with that was started by authors frustrated with publishers like the one jerking you around, and they seem very nice: Lilley Press. Just don't go back to the nasty wretches at the old publisher who say you've sold -166 books and don't do any publicity for you!

Anyway, I want YOU to live your life and it makes me happy when you want to live, so I will stop making suggestions/telling you what you should do. Instead I have a cat story, since this post is about cats.

My cat came to me in a basket when she was only a month old, and like the cat in Japan, she was misidentified and I thought she was a boy first. She had a sister and a brother with her and all had been orphaned when their mother died for no apparent reason when they were three weeks old. Then to make matters worse, nobody bottle fed them, and they only even got canned food when somebody at the shelter happened to remember to give them some. So they were all very emaciated and sick. They were slated to be put to sleep the day I took them home. We (the foster network I worked with) pulled them less than an hour before euthanasia time.

The boy died the first day-- he was too dehydrated and malnourished and even though I rushed him to the vet and he got IV fluids, he died. There were six others in the litter, too, for a total of nine, and over the next couple of weeks, of the six who were in another foster home, five died. So there were only my two girls and one girl in the other foster home left. And my two were sick.

But with the help of a good vet who gave them a very strong dewormer and prescribed organic baby food, they started to get stronger. I stayed up all night on bad nights giving them water one cc at a time with a syringe to keep them from being dehydrated. Eventually they got big and strong enough to be spayed and adopted out, but I couldn't let them go-- so I kept one, the tabby, and my SO's brother adopted the other one.

So I figure after all that trauma my cat has used up at least two or three of her nine lives already. But she's okay now.

Lene Andersen said...

90 minutes is a start, innit?

A while back, I listened to this great audio program called Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn (who founded a stress reduction centre at some medical school/hospital somewhere for people with chronic and terminal conditions) and in it, he talks about mindfulness and being in the moment. Thought of it when you talked about wanting to spend more time in your life instead of always rushing and found this quote: "we have an infinite number of moments between now and when we die. The more we miss, the faster the trip". I love that quote. Hear you quibbling about the "infinite", though, but unless you die as you read this comment, I guess it could be argued that you, too, have an infinite number of moments before you die, so stop arguing with me and let's get back to the point. Which is the more you rush, the faster life zooms by.

(did I just have a debate with you even though we're not actually in a conversation at this moment?)

I'm going to go sit quietly now and pay attention to my moments. Or think about what kind of cat girl I am (can I be Strength? With the lion?). Or sleep. I might sleep. Am a little drunk with the tired. Was it very noticeable? ;)

One Sick Mother said...

Sorry I haven't commented in a couple of days. I took advantage of a rare surge of energy to try and get some Stuff done before Christmas (and now I am paying. Oh well. At least the tree is up!)

I am very gratified to see that you are making plans for a future to fill the hole there before you die. After the Hoh rainforest, when you said something like "that's it. I have no more plans or dreams" (too lazy to go back and C&P), I felt very empty for you. I thought "no plans" was a bad plan for you. It struck me as a very un-you way of existing.

I love the idea of Hawaii in May. In fact, your mention of graveyard birthday celebrations made me aspire to one. There is no reason I shouldn't make my next birthday (In July), but I would like to maybe spend part of the day here.

It is the cemetery in Dublin where my parents are buried. Knarly, huh?

Of course the point is not the cemetery, but to go to Ireland with my munchkins and show them where I grew up.

And even *that's* not the point! The point is to have a goal.

Sorry, I am making your post about me again.

I think I am trying to tell you I understand. And that goals are good.


cheryl g said...

Act don’t react. That is a good plan and I will help you with it in any way I can. I also agree that you should blog for yourself and with honesty. I truly appreciate your unflinching examinations of what your reality is.

The EEG technician is on my list for karmic retribution. She probably kicks puppies and kittens for fun.

Catgirls! I love catgirls. The first picture is so fun and happy! Catgirl Linda is spot on. She would also sleep a lot. The first picture is too frou-frou to be you. The second one is more like you and the description of what you would be like is great.

Thank you for the picture of the girl pitching. I love it! You do know where my interests lie.

Yes! I am with you looking to the future. Hawaii in the spring! I don’t know that you can actually manage being mundane but let’s give it a try.

Lisa Moon said...

I enjoyed your post and its honesty. I think I understand a bit about your masturbation frustration and admire your willingness to talk about it here as I haven't seen much information about it - for women; there seems to be plenty of Internet talk about mens' sexual dysfunction - and medications to help with it! Grr!

I've had similar-ish problems at two different times; one, when I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism (and by then was 45 lbs heavier and pretty depressed - wonder why?!), I began to take anti-depressants, which are known for causing um, difficulty achieving orgasm. What they don't tell you is how defective you might feel for not even wanting any 'action', especially alarming when you normally would and you do have a partner...

I will check out to see what the MS society has to say!

At the risk of over-commenting (what, me?! never!), is there more sensitivity around the g-spot, perhaps? Same idea, different area, possibly less affected nerve endings (I say this with hope and love, not perviness *grin*). And a gal always needs a reliable, battery or cord-operated assistant for these things, I think!

Moving right along... did I mention my disgust with that EEG tech?! BeeeOTCH! That glue is nasty-painful! I think that's worth reporting, along with her gross interest in your various body parts. Unprofessional in the extreme.

I received my 2nd postcard from you yesterday and it made me so happy! My son (he's almost 17!) retrieved the mail and brought it to me, exclaiming "You got another postcard from Elizabeth!!!" knowing how excited I would be!

See, I tell EVERYONE about "my friend Beth", her blog and Postcard Project!

Also, embarrassingly, I now have your mailing address as, since moving, I've not yet come across the box where I safely tucked the other precious card from you... and I'm freaking out, going "But I NEED to find Elizabeth's address so I can mail her back!"

Thank you for the lovely card! It indeed invokes some much needed summery feel to these now-grey days... and it was a lovely welcome to my new home, too. :)

I especially loved the sticker of the red-haired woman on the back, sitting in a hammock; I think she looks just like you and she's got this mischeivous sort of Mona Lisa smile going on.

Back to my pervy side, I also noted one of the cute girls on the front, who is wearing shorts and a bikini top, has the top button and a bit of her zipper undone! Naughty! Makes me wonder what those 3 girls are running off to, haha! But as you suggest, they are also 3 girls coming to see me in my new home - yay! Make way for the cute girls amongst the unpacked boxes!

Thank you for making me so happy with your thoughtfulness. Indeed, not seeking pity or anything, I tend to feel rather lonely at this time of year as I celebrate Solstice, not Xmas, but my son goes to his father's family for Xmas and my few remaining friends tend to be with their family.

In the last 2 years, my closest dear friend's family has begun to invite me along to xmas dinner, but I feel somehow... an intruder or something.

Um, getting off topic as usual, but I was trying to express how much it REALLY means to me to be thought of at this time of year. I'm teary again just thinking of it.

Blessings to you, Linda and Cheryl

PS Veralidaine: your post about your wee kittens made me cry but also made me happy that you were able to save some. :)

Victor Kellar said...

You used to do this (like fencing) and now you do this (like postcards) ... isnt that life? The evolution of life? OK, you had no plan to stop fencing ... we rarely play to stop doing the things we love to do but we often must. So you now you do postcards; maybe you never planned to do postcards but now you are like the Postcard Queen ...

You didnt stop fencing, it was taken from you, I get that. Lots of things have been taken from you on your life and it seems to me you've found other things to do, other ways to move on. That's life, even in the midst of dying .. and isnt that we're all doing?

You talk about cats and of course I am a dog person but I have a secret (to be revealed in a second) Dogs have things taken from them ... vision, limbs, owners .. and they always go on they always adapt. Dogs dont think about the past, they dont think about the future, about death, they just go on.

So, it's not much of a secret ... we have a cat. His name is Gypsy, he's around 20 years old, he predated Miss Hayley and connects us with our first border collie, Gigs. Gypsy has lost his hearing, lost his balance, his teeth aren't great ..but he goes on. I see him having a hard time jumping, his balance is so bad her falls over from a stand .. I feel sorry for him

But then Collette picks him up, puts him on lap and her purrs and he's a happy cat. I don't know if EFM is the purring kind .. but you complete a project, find the right illustration to illustrate your blog, make a connection with Linda .. you've moved on, you've evolved.

Go ahead. Its ok to pur

Stephanie said...

Yay cats!

Yes, the next time I post a blog entry I will remember to advertise your Postcard Project. And also, about a knitting related blog post, be still my beating heart! lol. I look forward to seeing what you have to say.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Sorry I have been slow on the Comments, someone took me to heart, thank you and we just blew away our previous record of 13 requests in one day by a factor of about MANY (I have no idea, 50 requests? More). So I have been typing responses most of the day when I wasn't doing the funky chicken on the floor.

SharonMV: I will look for a catgirl picture for you. Thank you for what you say, you make me feel less alone, less seperated from humanity by my experiences. I really appreciate the work you DO, and I think others do as well, and I appreciate your comments on here also.

RachelCreative: Thanks very much for linking, and yes, I do try to make determinations that I will be more THIS way and then forget or fall into old habits, but I just have to keep trying!

We are having our first snowstorm so it is a good time to sit inside and match postcards - but maybe watch some Stephen Fry as well!

Jane B: Exactly, that's what I like about Cats, they sometimes tell when you are down and come for a cuddle and sometimes they are down and want a cuddle and sometimes they are writing War and Peace for Cats and can't be bothered right now! Yes, I am a cat at heart, and I have the hearing thanks to drug side efects, now I just need to purr.

Drake: Yes, I am sorry that you had some similar experiences with an EEG person, do they all have the same schoool?

I am also sorry to hear about your father, and his bone density scans, and while he might not like a normal postcard, I do have an idea, let me think on it, as your story has helped me remember something.

I'm pretty big on the living too, by the by!

Yes, David does good work in Kyoto, so I hope that he gets a hand now and then!

And yes, please, can you start a petition or something get that heteroseuxal kissing OFF TV where it might influence the youth and more gay and lesbian kissing on! haha.

thea said...

Just wanted to let you know I just got some items of postal mail returned to me - will re-send it to you. Because of this, you might not have heard from me for a while.

I will respond more here when I can think and read and understand more.

But still reading, still caring.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Thea: I am SO sorry that your post is returned, becuase I have appreciated it so much in the past (great things!). I don't understand. But just in case I will put the address up here again (though I know many of your packages came through in the past). ARG!!!!

Elizabeth McClung
P.O. 2560
Port Angeles, WA

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Thanks for coming and commenting.