I told you I liked girls with wings. hee hee, is that me?I had a grand mal in public today which is a first for me, of sorts, maybe (the whole memory thing makes me doubt what I say). But I got out of the wheelchair in time and just hurt my shoulder a bit. Basically, I can spend two hours today doing a kick ass blog, or I can send out 20 postcards in that time. This time I am going all out on the postcards so if you are in this batch, well, lucky you!
I will recount a story from this week, Thursday I think. Linda called to tell me that in an attempt to retain the employees that my blue cross coverage was raised from $100,000 lifetime limit (which I am almost hitting in less than two years!) to $250,000. However, that wasn’t what Linda was happy about. They decided to UP the life insurance policy on spouses by $25,000 or $50,000 from the existing amount WITHOUT a medical. So I qualify and Linda had already signed me up and everything (I guess in case I died between the meeting and her telling me.) I was, “That’s great! That’s super! Wow, okay, you are going to be able to pay off the debts and be okay, once I die.” Pause. “I just need to die…….”
I said to Linda, “Actually, I’m feeling somewhat conflicted here.”
She said that she could continue to pay the minimal premium of like $20 and get $50-75,000 when I die. And I was saying, “Well, you know, I mean, with all the vascular degeneration, even if they find a holding curing, I mean, they tell old people, ‘what can you expect after so much use’, so I am pretty sure I have shortened my life span.”
She is like, “Yeah, I think so too!”
Me: “So, even IF somehow they cured me, assuming they would treat me, then I doubt I could last another 6-10 years. So that’s pretty good. Like a down payment on a condo,…..” Pause, “No, I’m still having some conflict, look I KNOW that I have done at least 10 to 20 years of road work on my body in the last 15 months but, um, being happy about that. Um, great, I kind of need to go and hug a teddy bear right now. But good news….Sorta, as soon as I die…..”
See, I am trying to be a supportive spouse, it is just sometimes the “good news” is not always goods news. Particularly when she said they were redefining what “limb loss meant” as in you didn’t actually have to have it chopped off but could just lose use of it permanently. And us going, “Sweet, Cha-CHING! In a year or so with my body, we are going to CASH IN!” Seemed a little morbid funny but also not funny. Oh well. Back to work, more postcards. More packages!
Thanks for hanging in – big thoughtful post from me tomorrow! And replies to comments!
Posts
27 comments:
Yay! There you are! I'm glad you got in some postcard time, even if it was at the expense of blogging. Thanks for sharing the stationary with us. It is lovely, indeed.
Ah, the bad good news. I suppose it takes some of the worry off you about leaving Linda behind with debts. And the limb loss thing. Well. Maybe that will give you some sort of benefit in the here and now.
I guess Cheryl or Linda was with you when you had the grand mal? Otherwise, I expect you'd be in the hospital, what with nonneurologically disabled folks generally thinking there is something odd and threatening about someone lying on the ground in the first place, and pitching about in the second. I swear, some folks, you just can't please.
Life insurance does tend to bring out conflicted feelings. We could pay off the house, buy a reliable car, upgrade my Beloved's computer; all I have to do is die. Of course, since she doesn't drive, the car would be superfluous.
Yeah, definitely an awkward moment. But you're feeling in an "up" mood, which is good. Or good painkillers.
Hugs, and sleep well!
Neil
Dag Nabbit Beth,
I can breath now, thank God I was turning a bit blue. I was getting rather worried about you. Sounds like you have been busy though, that is good. Better than being too sick to move much less care. Were you alone when you had your seizure out in public? I hope not, that would be super scary.
Oh wow um great about the life insurance stuff. Great on the medical benefits. Now if we could only get you to Seattle for some kind of treatment.
I got a great card from you last week. Thank you so much I really needed a pick me up. I am in pretty good head space but really tired and the body has more creaks than a haunted house. Somehow though we keep on going don't we.
Take it easy and do spend some good quality time with Linda. I'll write you tomorrow.
Love you both(((((()))))),
Laura
Ooch... Hope it was in front of the DVD-Store guy! ;D
I think I'll stick to my palinopsia thanks...mehehe
I can just imagine the confliction... You love Linda, so you don't want to leave her...yet you love Linda, so you want to leave her... umm makes my head hurt just thinking about it.
You go girl! I'd much rather you share your self to others whom need it so desperately through the post cards. Don't mind hearing that you are doing o.k. tho :D...another confliction? :P
Take care will you?
Lifes worth more than money, but. Well, agree with Neil, life insurance, and things like that bring out odd feelings. We get information about aour retirement funds, and it always says at the bottom "if you die this month you're next of kin will get", "if you die 2010 and so on, " A collegue of mine was so bothered by this. And we have to put down, next of kin at work. There are always reminders of life and death.
Dear Beth,
Just last week Dennis found out he could get a life insurance policy for me through his new job. No medical information or exam. I was glad, but hope we won't be using it anytime soon.
Sharon
Yeah, as good news goes, there's definitely better sorts. But despite all the shit you're ploughing on through, you can still make a joke out of it. As long as you're doing that, I reckon you're winning.
Those wings are rather magnificent.
Reminds me I kept meaning to tell you about my friend who 'has' wings. Not physical ones that you see just walking down the street... but when he's being protective of someone, or praying, it's like the wings come out from his shoulders, sort of metaphysically or something... one can sense them. It's like he's got a mission to be part angel for some things on earth. Rather cool.
The picture is quite beautiful!
"And us going, 'Sweet, Cha-CHING! In a year or so with my body, we are going to CASH IN!'" The fact that you can laugh at this, when so many people would be buried in depression, even if the laughter is crossed with sadness, is one of the reasons I'm still here. A morbid sense of humor in very useful, even if some people really don't get it.
Dear Elisabeth, you're worth a hundred millions end billions, nothing can replace you!!
I got your card and gift, thank you indeed, you make such a difference in my and other people's lives.
Love you, hang out in the dark november. God bless, hugs to lovely Linda.
I'm rather conflicted about that, as well and really need a teddybear or something, too...
Good on yer for doing a short blog in favour of other things. It works fine - it was thoughtprovoking, evocative and very good. And because I'm a bossy odler sister, I'm going to suggest you do that some more. Even when there aren't postcards to do.
Lovely stationery. I like how the wings take up all the space.
In front of the DVD store guy... Drake, you're evil. I like you!
Beth: I hope you don't mind that we're taking such a demented delight in you having a seizure; but is it proper to do so? I suppose though, that if you're going to have one, you might as well make it a learning experience. I can just see Linda taking charge: "All right, class, gather round! You, please move that chair; You in back, can you see? Hey, jerk: put that cell phone away! NO photos and DO NOT call 911..."
At one job I had, we had a teacher speaking about people, especially students, with special needs. Just after she had finished explaining what a seizure is like, one of my coworkers got up, announced "It's hot in here" and began to leave the room, then gave a perfect demonstration of a seizure in the doorway. "Er, boss? T's a nice person, but I think driving might not be the best occupational choice." It was one of those moments where we all agreed that someday, we'd look back on that occasion, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Love, hugs, and a whole lot of respect,
Neil
Darn, I meant to add a link about Dia de Muertos: the Seattle Post Intelligencer's site has a few photos on that very topic at http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/photos/popupV2.asp?SubID=4284&page=1>itle=%27Day%20of%20the%20Dead%27%20at%20Seattle%20Center&pubdate=11/1/2008 .
More hugs!
Neil
LOL. I want an insurance too. I have 3 years at the max but exams are every Jan and June so I guess I can die any of these two months. Seems we only can get enough cash when we can't really use it.
Sorry to hear about the seizure, but I'm glad you're getting a chance to do postcards! I've been taking some inspiration from your postcard system and enlisting my husband to help cut out squares for card making. :) He's not really into crafts, but he's okay with measuring squares, because that's kind of like math. I say as long as the squares get made, he can think about it however he wants!
I agree with Yanub -- bad good news. I mean, how DOES one respond to that?
Grand mal in public. Yikes!
Lovely stationary. Very lovely.
Thank you everyone for commenting the last few days, when I have been rather crappy and or crappy AND trying to get the postcards done!
Yanub: I have been trying to do a couple postcards a day but Linda said she would help me and of course things took longer, lost 30 minutes here, an hour there. But in the end, got them done. I have not given up on the postcard project in the same way I didn't turn off the "Caring" part of me. Plus I had new people I had promised to send a card to!
As for Limb loss, I think it will probably still need to be Traumatic, which could help Lisa Moon (as hers was I think - being hit) but mine was not; of course, if I play in traffic....
Actually I was getting something framed and the framer's husband is my mailman (small world much?) so when I went into blue hands and couldn't talk she asked if she should get Linda and I indicated to Linda she had about 5 seconds to GET me down or I was going to be getting down as the human slinky going down stairs.
I actually had been sitting in a off corner becuase I could feel little taunts of aura for about 30 minutes and had been fighthing them off, does Carapace get this, the whole, "okay, not good, getting more tired and I am going to spike and seize at some point!"
Neil: Yes, I know there is so much temptation. Linda pointed out that if I kill myself that she gets NOTHING but the cost of the funeral. I pointed out with our new care givers actions, who could really say HOW a pain killer overdose happened? She was not amused.
I am in a "Yes, I finally got some stuff done!" mood which includes that some of the stuff took three days to do. But I am in pretty bad shape, I fell down I think 7 or 8 times yesterday. And I don't know if I can move now at all without assistance. But I got something done!
Laura: I CAN hold my breath and turn blue - I am a 4 year old! Woo hoo! Luckily Linda was there but I was going to say, "Don't call 911" and write it down. I did write down afterward that I was like the human mexican jumping beans we had as kids at school in elementary. So I told them they could list me as an "added value attraction" to the store and "bring the kids!" to watch.
I am glad you enjoyed the card, And thanks for commenting and caring.
Drake: See, with my memory, I had to go back to look up what you are talking about - yes, definately, I should have given him his dose of realism for the day!
Yeah, I did the "Why don't you try dating, since I am too weak to go out at night" thing to try to get her to 'adjust to my passing' - turns out trying to set up a partner for YOUR partner while still alive puts you in your partner's bad books for a while. Gee, I was only trying to HELP. So yes, realizing if only I could die, Linda would have a lot less FINANCIAL stress - I just have to remember she would have a LOT more other stresses.
I take it my card for you has not come - well it will arrive, one hopes! If not I will try what we do with some south american countries and cover it with stamps of St. Mary so people are scared to steal it!
Anna: Yes, that really bothers me when they always want to know who to contact in case of emergency (I always say God, or The Palmer Brothers - our nearest mortuary). Then the whole, "Next of Kin" which I usually put down as the Prime minister. How come nurses and such see me as a problem patient?
SharonMV: Exactly, I hope I don't have to use it soon but to know that if and when I go, Linda after all she has given up for me won't be left in debt too. It does make me feel better, creepy but better.
Jack P: yes, I must be feeling better since I haven't seen a specialist in a while and I don't plan to - as they depress the heck out of me. Treatment, nurses, ER's I will do however. but yeah, good news, "We got money" bad news, "All I need to do is die!"
Thea: I do find also that there are people who have a presence at times beyond themselves, I can't always see it like SEE it but I can see them becoming MORE if that makes any sense.
I do like girls with wings!
Wendryn: Golly, I though you were here for my occasionally panty shots! Darn. Yeah, I don't know what to say except, I believe that everyting is in some way a big laugh, only sometimes, like when you get a volleyball to the boob, it kind of hurts to laugh right then.
Hakalax: I am glad you got the card and gift, though to be honest, I have had so many brain wipes recently I don't know what I sent, so I will have to go look it up! I hope I chose well! I hope you like it!
Lene: Well, I was so in the mode "Must get Postcards done" then I remembered, 'hey idiot, people actually worry about you' (it is a new experience in my life), so I made a little blog until I could get the postcards done!
Beth: take delight in the seizures, as I can't stop them, must as well have fun with them (and I'm not there until I wake up anyway). Just, don't charge kids for rides if you please.
YEah, they always want to take away the drivers licence - actually I HAVE a valid drivers licence because I don't have a job so no one to report me, I just can't get Linda or Cheryl to let me drive: "I'll do the wheel, you do the pedals!"
Meredith: True enough, I could look GREAT for my funeral if the money came through fast enough - get hair extensions, the whole thing!
Nancy: That's great, I've been enjoying your cards I recieve. So yes, you definately need your own pit crew - then you can decide when to expand as the mood takes you.
Dawn: got your letter and thinking about you and your poor fish a lot, I wish I knew how to make thing better but I am glad you are not giving in. Oh well, I am sure you have had a few public moments over the years, at least this wasn't at a romantic dinner!
Yay for postcard time - especially for the recipients! Hope it was fun for you too...
yes, a friend of mine who was terrible with money died a few years ago, and I remember sitting with his wife a couple of months after he died - all the insurances had come through, so the mortgage was paid off, all the debts were paid off, she had a trust fund set up for their son and a small income for life and she was laughing and crying at the same time - saying "a few months ago I nagged and I worried about the money every day and I would have said that having all our debts paid off would be heaven - but I forgot to add that he had to be here to enjoy it with me..."
She was especially upset because as an attempt to 'economise' a few years before her husband had quit paying into his pension (which had good dependents' benefits) and without telling her had rejoined the scheme a couple of months before he was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer - he 'knew' something was seriously wrong even though the Drs said not, and she was so touched that he, despite being so stupid with money, had actually done something that provided a little security for her and their son.
So... don't leave Linda before you absolutely have to - but at least you now have something to hit the guilt-trip voices over the head with when they go on about bills!
Well, Linda being in a better position financially can only be a good thing, but the price that will have to be paid for that is too high. Whether or not that price is paid is independent of the money, but nonetheless it is somewhat bittersweet.
So, the words are coming out, but there is nobody inside to come up with any more (like this morning in church - the prayer I made up on the spot would have been really cute had a five-year-old said it), so I must go. Sending good thoughts your way.
Elizabeth,
I have had two life insurance policies cancelled in the space of a few weeks recently, and I have to tell you, the panic of being sick and uninsured is FAR worse than the guilt and confliction (is that a word?) of havign good insurance.
I did manage to get one of the policies re-instated (the big one), but there were a few days when I was totally freaked out.
I really like that notepaper. And it reminds me of a question I wanted to ask you: Do you still see yourself as having black wings? I did wonder if the black wings / white wings thing might be an indicator of a different Elizabeth. ("integrated" vs "non-integrated").
It is not really important. Just idle curiousity on my part.
OSM
that whole "worth more dead than alive" kind of sucks, doesn't it?
Yay! Postcards!
Beth, Carapace always knows when she is going down, and if she is too addlepated to know it, it is obvious to anyone who knows her well. She becomes very difficult and argumentative right before an episode, if she is trying to ignore the symptoms. And for the Happy Fun Spaz to be difficult, well, that's a pretty clear sign of trouble. She was having heart trouble last week, and held up her cyanic hands, saying "How do you think Elizabeth would describe this color?"
Apologies for the belated comment... guess I've been sitting around, feeling a wee bit sorry for myself. Ugh {looks embarrassed}.
Anyway, INSURANCE: isn't it, by definition, a horribly depressing, nasty sort of thing? I mean, it involves your loved one(s) becoming very disabled or very dead, which generally is not a happy thing.
That's an interesting point, about the traumatic loss of use. But I'm sure they'd say "Well, lookit, her leg looks FINE and SEE, she can move it and even walk on it a bit! She's OK!" I mean, that's WCB for you in a nutshell.
I'm betting no one is less pleased with the idea that money might be less tight with no Beth! We are ALL praying that is not the case and waiting for the miracle 'fix' we've all been 'ordering' for you. Seriously, it should hurry up and get here...
Too bad I had no insurance other than them at the time of injury. (I did have a private insurance policy, but apparently was spending my money in the wrong place. Critical illness did not cover this particular disorder; had I contracted MS, I would have been eligible. Huh.)
More benefits--this is great news for both of you. I should check and see if our benefits are improved for this year. I get minimal life insurance, almost none. With his, I'd be able to make it.
Yeah, that's a conflict. I guess try to look at it that you won't die & leave Linda with a ton of medical expenses, one less thing to stress about, then put the whole thing out of your head. Dunno, that's my advice for what it's worth.
Now the life time cap, feel free to be ecstatic about that regularly, lifetime caps are bullshit & shouldn't be allowed. It's not like people sit around & choose what medical crap should befall them. "Ooo, look at this one! I am so going to have this super rare illness that should cost my insurance over a million just so I can live each year! Score, I'm getting that tomorrow!" The people at the insurance companies that decide things like that are either the most stupid people to walk the face of the earth or the most soulless one, I'm not sure.
um, hi. I dont know if its right of me to, um, barge in like this, seeing as Im just a random girl who happened to have stumbled upon this today, but, um, I read your entry and I want you to know that, um, that Im. . . um. . . its kinda hard to explain. I guess I sorta want to be supportive, I guess. I dont really know how to say it. it sounds like your going through a lot, and I cant really understand too much of that right now. I hope it gets easier for you, and that you wont be in too much pain. um, I cant think of anything to say that wouldnt be too awkward. I guess what I really want to say is thanks for writing this blog and thanks for doing your best.
Post a Comment