Wednesday, November 19, 2008

In the Childrens' Room: fragile and scared

I am here in this room because this used to be a study, but now it is a ‘safe room’, the children’s room. Linda is off doing adult things because I tried to be there, to carry the adult things earlier, only I went boom. I fell down. I forgot things. I know what I am, and more importantly what I am not. In little ways, my own little world is starting to pass me by, or leave me out, because either I am incapable of understanding it fully, or unable, literally to withstand it, anymore. I get a second chance at the incomprehension of childhood but without the innocence.

I told someone, to not be fooled, that while I use a language set that comes with this packaging, in many ways I am 12. This is my age, or younger for understanding things and the way things work for most hours of the day which include the way I interact and the way I cannot understand certain things which are not put literally. If you do not say “Yes” to a question then I cry. Because if I say, “Do we have cookies. I would like a cookie please.” And you say, “I’m going to the store later tonight.” Makes me cry, because I can’t have a cookie. While you think, “Hey, I told her I was going to the store!” Except, I don’t know that “going to the store” means, “I will pick up some cookies.”

Last night, I was hurt very badly, in ways that were complex, as in a couple different messages I got told me that to SOME Christians because I love Linda, that absolutely nothing I do can have ‘real’ meaning. That my postcard project, my heart, my love, my fidelity, my devotion, my whole being is negated because I don’t have a husband, even if he rapes me at night and beats me for cooking incorrectly (because then he would be Christian, with some things to repent for, but Christian). And I live next to a country, where not thousands, or tens of thousands but tens of MILLIONS of people see me this way. A seller I thought I had a very good relationship with, of whom, I won’t be buying anymore, asked why I wasn’t buying ‘certain’ anime boards which she thought would interest me and those ‘in my club.’ Well, the boards were all of two women, being intimate. My ‘club?’ Jeez lady, it is called LESBIANISM. Called being Bisexual for those who are that way. It isn’t something where every time I kiss Linda a light goes off in the “clubroom” and we are sent membership cards. I am with Victor, who tattooed “Sin” on his ankle because 25 years of being together doesn’t count. But getting someone who is currently being investigated on 57 counts of sex charges with children to 'join you in holy union', as long as they are a priest or minister, well THAT is real, is it?

We are moving into my least favorite month, December where people say things, like, “Well, I would get mad, but ‘the season’ you know.” Oh, so you are going to be a hypocrite? Which is right now, when I am on the cusp, remembering the hundreds of thousands to millions of people who died over a few hundred years because one side of Christianity believed that Christians were eating the ACTUAL body of Christ as soon as it entered the mouth, while others believed it became human flesh only once entering the stomach. There was a small group that believed it was symbolic, but EVERYONE killed them! So onward to the Celebration of the birth of the Zombie King and His Cannibal Army. I pretty much had to leave the last few times I went to a church on the chipper and Canadian nature of the Eucharist. These nice ladies in sweaters with cats on them shoving a plate in front of you asking in a voice of utmost politeness, “The body of Christ? The broken body of Christ?”

What do you say, “No, thanks, I killed a guy called Bob and have some of him in the car.” Such a cheerful display of Cannibalism, which by the way is left usually in the lobby for the kids afterward, in case some of them get thirsty, they can have, a few glasses of, according to what was intoned, “The BLOOD of Jesus.” I have to say I’ve been with some cannibals in New Guinea but they never were so darn cheerful about it, nor did they leave extra body parts out for the kids to munch on between games later – no, that you find in a CHURCH! But me kissing Linda, that’s so offensive, people can’t even say the word for it.

Also found out that acts of caring, of giving, of sending out postcards for some people, a hardened group of people puts you in “that wacky disabled lady” category, right next to the guy who stands with a billboard saying: “The fall of stocks, is the gateway to Satan in 2013.”

I wanted to know the rest of the story, so I asked, “So, um, Satan, is he good for the Canadian dollar or not?” (Let’s try to stay focused, I can’t buy as much on ebay!).

Turns out that Satan is creating a North American Currency called the Nuero or something like that – sort of based on the Euro, which I was in Europe for the use of and it seemed to overcome the nature of the beast with…life going on as business (another things is that MILLIONS to tens of millions of Christians are also Xenophobes in this continent ).

“Yes, yes, one currency, but is that GOOD for the Canadian dollar?” I persisted.

“No, my daughter, for Satan hates all flesh.” I was told.

“Well, actually,” I responded, “I’m not that keen on flesh right now (what is it with the Christians and flesh!?).”

He looked me over in the chair and said, that God was holding not a new body for me, but a new being, since my soul, spirit and consciousness weighed, “21 grams” and that I would given the job overlooking galaxies.

“21 grams?”

Yes. 21 Grams.

“If I am going to oversee Galaxies,” I asked with him nodding, “Can I bring a friend, because it sounds lonely.”

That answer went into how we are all going down under and there is plenty of company for those of belief (and unbelief). Er…okay. Anyway, new job in my future, according to one of the Cannibal Prophets.

Sorry, got distracted. I went out today, and spent all of my money. I did that because I didn’t actually know how much things cost and this week after a particularly long sizzle in the brain, I lost the ability to sequence numbers. Meaning, I give the pretty money and they give me things. Or do things for me, like framing. And I took my money and my stuff in my h.naoto backpack and went down to the printers, and the woman there (and the staff who said, no, it’s okay, I’m very entertaining), was doing stuff, like making the custom matte for me and I got a lot done, I think it was 12 or 14. Because I am sending out things, even though Linda says I am supposed to keep some things for me. But sending things is fun, even if you don’t always hear back. While hoarding is boring because I forget where anything is. And because some days, like today, it is impossible to make myself happy, but the idea I could make someone else happy almost makes me very happy. Or rather, why waste things on something that is dying, that is death, that is losing the brain, when I can, while I still have some understanding, give to others. Because I don’t need a special month or an appointed time to tell me that I am supposed to give a damn about humans, who actually sometimes have a crappy day the OTHER 11 months of the year.

Then I came home and it seems that I was not able to be good for Linda who is having much trouble at work, because she still isn’t sick (well according to doctors she is, but not to her boss, or boss’ boss). But I can’t deal with that because when I do, I go boom and because I am not the right kind of person. I don’t understand politics, I only understand right and wrong. I have only ever understood right and wrong. And that some head of a government agency is acting like a coward and bully doesn’t mean a political move, it means there is an overweight middle aged man who has forgotten what right and wrong is. And that he is tasked, by the executive branch, AND IS LIABLE FOR, the creation and maintaining of a harassment and discrimination free workspace. Believe me, I know all about these people as I sat across from one myself who couldn’t understand why would I stay on? I mean, it was clear no one LIKED me, that is why they harassed me, why security wouldn’t come to protect me. As he said, “We did have that one person with AIDS but after they were fired, that problem was solved.” This man saw a workplace free of discrimination and harassment. And that is why I didn’t quit. Because, maybe “I wasn’t making friends in high places” in that company, but since that comes from a guy whose solution to a person with a medical condition that is feared is to fire them, do I WANT his friends.

Anyway here I am in the children’s room because Linda needs to talk to adults about adult things, because things I tried to help with before made me go unconscious and I was put in bed and to bed and quite honestly it is very scary around here right now for me.

There is a feeling I hope none of you get, where you realize that you cannot understand what is going on, that there are too many things that are too complex and that even the simple things are going away and you can’t understand. That I do not know what day it is, or what money means in terms of buying things in shops, or that now many of the places I go regularly protect me from myself, or losing money because I don’t understand it. And that I want to help, I want to be that person I remember in the memory of me, but I'm not. And at the same time, or other times, I cry because it is dark and it is 4:00 pm and I don’t understand how that can be. It is the fear and frustration that things fall, and I don’t know why, and so like a child who wants the pretty leaf to go back on the tree, I want things that are not only impossible to happen, but impossible to understand for me, right now. Maybe, I will have a good day, and some good hours, and ‘get it’ and be some use. But right now, I am confused and vulnerable, and I will not stop being so until I become even less. I cannot get out of bed, I do not know why, when I wake, I am in bed, I do not know where I am. This is the minutes.

And when I can remember, and I do, I work on postcards or gifts, and I sent out 18 on the weekend. I know that I am not supposed to talk about that except, I accomplish so little and am dependant on so many. So I was able to wheel myself to the store and work to get some more gifts made. Which reminds me; my sister, Dawn, is having a very rough time, because last year, her brother died, leaving her alone. She didn’t give up, but she is grieving, and she is hurting. And she believes that no one cares. I care. And I want to believe that of the people who may have read down this far (probably should have put this ABOVE the bit about calling Christmas, the celebration of the Zombie King and the Cannibal Army, huh?), please, please, go to her website, and let her know, give her a comment that you give a damn, okay. If her email was listed I would say send a card, because her brother was a special person. I know that because of Dawn, and her grief, and how very much she misses him, and I know Dawn, a special and giving person. And so this time of year sucks really bad for her.

Right now, some people I care about are frustrated because not good things are going on and when I try to help, I don’t. And they get frustrated at me because I think I was the person I was, but I am not. And Linda went a few blocks over to beg. Beg my parents to help with some of the monthly costs; not all of them, just ONE regular monthly. They said they would ‘think about it.’ And it seems right now that I am in a place, or a world where people are having a hard time, the people that I love, and I don’t know how to help them. Or if I think I do and if I try, I hinder, so I stay in the ‘children’s room’ out of the way, because it is all I can do. I think Linda is done now, and I will post this. She says that I am ‘fragile.’ I supported her for 8 days, but now, that person who supported her is gone. I understand simple things, simple pleasures.

I would like to believe that one day I will wake up and you will all be here, and I will touch you, and things won’t be confusing again more. That I won’t be a grown up child, losing more of my capacities every day. I used to be in the .01% in math: repeatedly tested. And I can’t add three single digit numbers. I would rather, honestly to be able to wake and see you all in my house, and know that I don’t have be a lesser person because I don’t understand some things. I could see Raccoon, Anna, Karin, Joan, Ruth, Dawn, Lene, Laura, Cheryl, Thea, Abi, Veralidaine, Drake, SharonMV, Tammy, OneSickMother, Yanub, Wendryn, Frida, Neil, the whole gang and we WOULD have cookies and that would be enough, I think, to touch people. And they wouldn’t care that I wasn’t perfect in everything I said and we could talk and have some fun and all do postcards together and sticker up cards to send out. We would have fun for a day. Does that make me the wacky woman in the wheelchair, I guess it does.

30 comments:

yanub said...

Beth, sitting with you, working on postcards, sounds like the most fun ever. I do wish we could manage it, to have everyone together. And to have you able to have so much fun and so much interaction without your brain going zap! boink! phffffft. Not that I mind being around people with smoke coming out their ears and their eyes rolling back into their heads, but I know it isn't any fun for you to play the part of the computer that Capt. Kirk has just ruined with illogical instructions. Also, you and I can now sit around avoiding math problems together. Yay! Two plus two is too much trouble.

I agree with you on the creepiness factor of Christianity. Especially the way too many Christianists seem to think their faith is a get-out-of-jail-free card, absolving them of any personal responsibility for their actions.

Anna said...

Sorry, You can say no to this comment if you want to. Sorry that so many christians has been treating you and others like shit.

But can help saying this.
HELLO.... I am a christian.

Bisexual, praying, thinking, caring, either, that makes me really confused or a hypochrite, or whatever. But I am still a christian. And I do care about you and Linda, and lots of people. And I hope they care about me even though I am a lot of things.

Being christian is not a way to get away with things.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Yanub: it would be fun. But at least for you the eyes rolling wouldn't be that much of a shock. Would it.

I am tired of Corporate Christianity, I have no problems with those who follow Christ. For those who can't understand the difference and are one or the other....sigh.

Anna: Well, Christians have historically treated other Christians like shit, so this time it is over who I love instead of infant versus adult baptism or whether the song singing is to be only psalms or actually say the name of Jesus - so I imagine in 200-300 years, this will all be settled.

Anna, I am a Christian too. Hello. Only now I have gone back from a country where people were like, "I'm anglican, really, oh yeah, I guess I did get babtised as a baby, who knew?" - to where they scream, "BABY KILLER!" in your face and "The stock market crashed because of the gays" and other nice and loving things, like you know, the person they follow, JESUS would have done; JESUS, the person who was okay sharing some cruixification time with thieves and telling it would be okay; the guy who forgave the person who was about to stab him with a spear to speed up his dying. Now THAT is something to live up to in terms of Tolerance.

I hate corporate Christianity, I follow the example of Jesus, I celebrate not the infant, but the person who healed a woman from 12 years of illness; who fed people, who said, "When you feed someone hungry, when you give someone a drink, you feed and give aid to me." That is Christianity, and even in organized Christianity, it isn't a very 'political' view to hold.

I care about you, and I care about the other Christians too - in sort of the way you care about a 7 year old who goes around pushing other children to the ground and laughing. You kind of hope they get the help they need because they are sick. I don't believe that the road to peace is paved with the bodies of those we hate. And I believe that in Christianity, all too will become advocates, or Buddhists, who can say. I look for nothing after this life, so anything will be a bit of surprise (if it is unbearable pain ala Hell....well, at least I've been practicing!)

JaneB said...

Long-distance hugs. (((Elizabeth))) (((Linda)))

I would make us cookies - I'm no good at crafty stuff but I can bake very tasty cookies! And it would be wonderful, it will be wonderful.

I'm a Christian too. I'm horrified by the way some people behave whilst using that name - but I am also horrified at how people behave whilst claiming to be other good things, like British or American or democratic. I am desperately upset by the arrogance of some Christians. But... it's a truth I've found and can't get away from, however much I try. So I pray for you and Londa as well as sending the odd thing, writing comments etc., because... it's more than NOTHING.

(((Elizabeth))) (((Linda)))(((Elizabeth))) (((Linda)))

Drake said...

Politics & Religeon ... two things I avoid discussing as all beliefs feel they are the ONLY one allowed to exist ... apart from one branch of beliefs but that's a different story ... even amongst Christians there is so many politics and do's and dont's that I just feel is not even Bible based but just purely human nature and human wants & needs based.

At any rate, I say live and let live...love and let love... Those who demand that you and Linda is in the wrong, let them believe what they want...their words is nothing more than empty, hollow sounds ringing in my ears.

A handfull of people that love you, is stronger and more powerfull than the thousands that might dispise you.

I like you for YOU ... not for what you can and can not do nor for what you look like ...

In my eyes, you are a saint among sinners for you reach out with love and care to those whom need it.

Indeed ... the biggest commandment IS love ...

I hear you on the hospital... This is a response I got recently from a Knee & Hip replacement !specialist!, trying to get some insight and/or options into my problem, seeing as the original specialist also said my situation is too complex and he doesn't know what to do...

"this sounds like a very complicated situation. my recommendation is a good orthopaedist in an academic medical center; find out the closest university and seek out an orthopaedic doctor at that place. your situation is quite unique, and not within the expertise of private, community orthopaedic doctors.

dr. *******"

This makes me feel like I need to wear a white fur coat, break into a University Lab and crawl into one of their cages next to the other white mice ... heh ... but, I'll just have to see if I get any different response from the Uni's...

Hugs & Love to you, Linda & Dawn

... my list keeps on getting longer, but that's alright ;D The more we share and the more we know, the more we can share our support and love for those whom need it the most.

Perpetual Beginner said...

All of us together working on postcards sounds like a party I could get behind, and I don't like large parties!

I ran into a quote the other day that struck me as both true and blatantly inaccurate "You cannot call yourself a follower of Jesus Christ while cursing your neighbor." True, because the Great Commission is "Love your neighbor as yourself." Inaccurate, because many, if not most, people who call themselves Christians do exactly that.

Pfft. People. Always looking for excuses to hate the people they want to hate.

It makes the people who do know right from wrong very precious.

Neil said...

Not "something that is dying." You are someONE very special WHO is dying. I shall be very fierce and very gentle about this, but I must correct you, dear Beth. You are a person; a veryvery special person.

The "real," or adult, Beth is still hiding inside you, for you remembered to post.

Happy Cannibal day? it doesn't have the same zippy ring to it, but I uderstand what you mean. SOME Christians, and in North America some entire sects, want to practice a very strict form of their religion; that's why the Pilgrims came here in the first place. It was for "religious freedom" in that they wanted the freedom to practice a very strict, intolerant, religion.

Cookies with the gang sounds marvellous. But now I have to run to work and do adult stuff, darn it.

Love and hugs,
Neil

Kate J said...

Hi Beth, it would be wonderful, wouldn't it, if we could all get together, the "Screw Bronze" gang? I wouldn't call it a family, because family seems to have so many bad connotations right now. Actually, I suppose "gang" does too, but I can't think of an alternative... "collective" perhaps?
I'm so sorry that you are having such a bad time right now, I haven't been around to read your blog for a week or so, and am just "catching up" with you now, but you sounded so sad I just had to post this comment, even before going back and reading the last 10 days of posts. And I do agree with you about "Christians"... so many of them seem to be such hypocrites. My own view is that if there is a loving god out there, then she or he would honour the lve that you and Linda have for each other - caring, self-sacrificing, "for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" as the marriage ceremony, the Christian one, says (here in UK at any rate). I'm not a Christian, myself, and don't believe in any God, but I know a lot of Christians and believe me, they don't all have these damning views.
Love & peace

OneSick said...

Elizabeth,

That cookie example you used is exactly how my kids think. Thank you for that insight because now I wonder if -like you- their way of thinking might be due to some kind of event or condition in their little brains -something physiological that could perhaps be averted or allieviated and not just an incomprehensible beast Autism.

Oooh. a postcard bee! I'm there! Can the kids come? They approve of postcards, but not of some other things. We recently participated in a program to donate unwanted Halloween candy to the local children's hospital and they were horrified! "Candy won't make sick kids well. And there is GUM in there! What if the sick kid chokes? And who will go through this and make sure it is safe?"

etc.

Postcards are a better choice.

One Sick Mother

Miss Fairy Sparkle said...

Hi Elizabeth, I hope I say this the right way. I'm a Christian too, and I can't even pretend to be able to discuss the whole same sex relationship in the bible debate. Not without the caveat that Chirst asked us to love one another - really love one another, and I too am very sorry for the remarks and reactions you have had that I would describe as out of zealousness rather than compassion.
When you get ill, you get an earful of this zealousness.It took me a long time to realise that some of their words and actions were astonishingly abusive. It's sad when you need healing to recover from others attempts to heal. I've had stuff happen in churches I wouldn't tell even close friends - and it makes me torn in my faith sometimes.
I think the church can be a place of friendship and support. But it can be a place where attitudes of hate can be covered up with 'Godliness.' And yes I agree, I think its easier to wrap you up with a nice bible verse than to offer proper care, and that is wrong.
Thinking of you lots recently. My allergies are getting worse - I've nearly collapsed vomiting three times in a week after accidental exposure to perfume, cinnamon and spicy apple fragrance. I am very allergic to perfume and aftershave and am grieving the freedom in having contact with people without fear. Aftershave makes me so exhausted I can barely think or walk - and telling people can reveal rejections of you as a person that don't really boost the confidence. I don't know how you are keeping going - what a tough battle you have to go through every day.

Laura xxxxxoooooo

Lene Andersen said...

I wish I could be there - I'd bring cookies and yummy chocolate, too. It would be lovely.

Sweetie, there's nothing wrong with you that you don't understand politics, but only right or wrong. I think the world would be a much better place if everyone were like you.

I wish I could be there and try to help make things less scary for you. Sending big hugs to you and Linda both.

Abi said...

"Yeah, Jesus would so totally not hang out with gays. Prostitutes, lepers, thieves, murderers, tax collectors and other outcasts maybe, but not gay people. Loving the wrong people is much worse than killing people, and Jesus would never have had time for such evil sinners."

Do some fundamental Christians never think about this very carefully? Is this something they choose to avoid, or are they just being thick? Do some people realise that this is the case, but just decide to follow the in-crowd so that they do not get persecuted themselves?

I wish that people would start to understand what Christianity is about. I know that I hardly get it at all, but I am beginning to see that the only important thing, really, is to love. That is "love" the verb, not "love" the adjective - you have to do kind things, not just think fuzzy thoughts.

People are people, and they do what they do. One can help them to be better, but should not condemn or judge. Instead, one should take people as they are and accept them for that.

Sorry - bit of a rant going on. I hate it when people use religion as an excuse to be unkind, and I hate it when other people say that religion is bad as a result. It's like saying that hands are bad because you can punch people with them, and that people shouldn't have hands any more. I think that people should keep religion, but should use it responsibly and in the spirit in which it was intended.

Anyway, people who say that anything you do is in any way diminished because of who you are or what you do with Linda are misguided at best. (Look - I'm being polite!) You obey the most important commandment, which is to love. You also spread the love by making us lot do more of it, too.

To move on to less ranty things, you might find my presence at a postcard party a bit annoying. I would keep failing to apply stickers at exact right angles, and you would tease me mercilessly by putting stickers on just far enough off straight so that it was obvious that they were wrong. Actually, that probably wouldn't annoy you at all, but provide you with endless amusement instead. It is hard to find things as enjoyable as teasing people who are slightly too uptight for their own good!

FridaWrites said...

I wish we could all gather together as well, spending time together, among people who accept one another, understand illness, etc.

I'm also having a lot of trouble with mainstream Christianity because of its attitude toward disability and illness (that we're sinners and are being punished or that we are patronized and patted on the head but not treated as equals).

Sorry, Dawn, about your pain and difficulties and that no one's noticed.

Veralidaine said...

Beautiful Beth, I don't think there is anything more wonderful and awe-inspiring in this world than your relationship with Linda. The love you have for each other brings me to tears every time you post about your relationship. If I were God and in charge of deciding who gets to go to Heaven or watch over galaxies or whatever, I would ask, "What or who have you loved in your life? What did you do tremendously, fiercely, passionately?"

Based on their answers to those two questions, I would decide who gets in. And you and Linda, cousin, would go straight to the head of the line.

I am not a Christian nor have I ever had any religion. I do not consider myself atheist, agnostic, or any other label. I consider the way I live my life to be my religion. I try to be a good person. I don't always succeed, but I care for small, sickly animals sometimes and make them better, and I think any God worth believing in would appreciate that.

Here is how I see it: Jesus was a remarkable person not because he performed miracles. There were many prophets in those days traveling around curing illnesses and performing "miracles" that may or may not have simply been attributable to knowing a little bit about medicine or science. A religion was founded for Jesus because he didn't just peddle miracles, he inspired people and gave them hope that they could be better than they were yesterday. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." "Turn the other cheek."

Jesus must have been a very loving person and kind to strangers, and I seriously doubt he would give a damn if you have a husband or a wife as long as you loved one another and loved your neighbors.

In that way, I think you are more like Jesus than anyone else I know. That should be good enough for his "followers," but I think if Jesus was alive today, it would be the Christians who would declare him a sinner and have him killed this time.

Dawn Allenbach said...

I think sitting with you and the others working on postcards would be an amazingly fun time. I admit, though, that I would have to make a side trip to your parents' house first and vent my spleen on them. What is there to think about?

It was so kind of you to mention me, but I feel guilty. You have so many things going on, so many emotions and obstacles to deal with, that you should be using your energy dealing with them and not being concerned about me. That last statement comes from that place I was telling you about -- the portion that says, "You're not worth anyone paying attention to you." Yeah, not a happy place.

Points to Yanub for the Star Trek reference! Live long and prosper!

Kathz said...

I'm just stopping by to say hello and wish you well - and to say I'm thinking of you, reading the blog, etc. I hope you got the couple of postcards I sent. (Not to worry if you don't remember them.) They're nowhere near as good as the lovely cards you sent me, which I keep near my bed so that I see them every day. Ecery time I see them they cheer me up and remind me of you. The postcard project is love in action, and that surely represents all that is best in Christianity. You have lost so much that was important to you but your love and your courage survive.

Anna said...

Yeah, I basically think it can get tiresome or annoying with arguing about theological differences. And, I do know christians and other people who seem to look to other persons fault but not their own, and who condem people who are gay or other things. I know. Truly I know. When people ask me how I can be a christian and bisexual, and celebrate christmasday with 11 fags I tell them I don't get everything in the Bible. I don't agree with everything the Salvation Army believes. But I believe in God. I believe in Jesus and trying to love. And I believe that God is more openminded than many of us. If he is not, well....

Sorry, will do no more "preaching" here.

Hope your evening has been calm and enjoyable. Take care.

Abi said...

Sorry about the rant in my previous comment! What I should have added was that I am sorry that you are scared and confused. It is horrible when you do not understand what is happening, and it is horrible losing concepts you used to have (actually, that sounds the more frustrating of the two situations).

I kind of get the maths thing - I can not do maths in my head under any sort of pressure. It is as if the mechanism hides somewhere. I think that I probably either get somebody else to do it, use a calculator, or wait until the pressure has passed and use paper/my fingers. I used to be able to do it, though, and under quite a bit of pressure.

But I understand that not being able to add up properly was just an illustration of the sort of thing you are having trouble with now, and I am sorry that you are losing so much. I am sure that it is very zen (well, as sure as my knowledge of zen can allow me to be - isn't it a Buddhist thing where everything is stripped away?), but it is not very nice.

However, the Elizabeth you are right now is a good one. We like her very much. She is different from previous versions of Elizabeth in some ways, but different does not mean less good. You are appreciated for who you are, and I am very thankful that I know you.

I hope that you feel more safe soon, in a peaceful sort of way. But not in a dead way; peaceful will suffice.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Politics and Religion. I don't know how a post about my path backwards down the path on grows into in adulthood, how my cognitive and my ability to be an equal in adult business is being taken away, and how this leaves me, is not politics and religion.

My one and only statement I am making on Christianity is this: I would be an Athiest except that I cannot deny I follow the tenets of Jesus, a Christ.

Also, that until you have experienced a hate crime, where someone who doesn't know you, doesn't care about your name, or who you are, just comes up and attacks you becuase they will attack anyone like you who they find, until every one of you is dead - until you have had that happen. Then you know the terror of being reminded be a person who says effectively: "Sorry, I only talk to humans"

The intense hatred in that statement, which once felt in personal phsycial attacks and the fear that comes after something like that, is not easily described. And I hope that none of you have to go through that. I fear them becuase "they" - literally nameless people who did not know us - have attacked us, have vandalized our vehicle repeatedly, have tried to set our friends on fire, who have screamed insults at us in groups surrounding us, have surrounded the car banging on it until I did not know if I was was to be dragged from it and killed, raped or otherwise. Everyone on of them was a "Good person" - I had people who respected my values, my generosity, my desire to understand, to repent, to not cause harm - who then accused me (once I came out) of being a pedophile if not the equivilant for an hour, ending with a suggestion that death for me (self-inflicted preferably), would be best for everyone. THAT was at a Xmas party.

So I will respond to everyone's comments NOT on Christianity but on the Childrens' Room.

Jane B: I believe that you can put a sticker on with the best of them, and if you know how to make cookies, then you can have a postcard to make your own story to that person on.

Drake: Thanks, yes, hospitals have some very good doctors but often people like us NEED long term solutions and they can't offer them. so Frustration. I hope you were able to make some comment at Dawn's site - it would mean a lot to me and to her, and her brother, if he is still around, watching.

Perpetual Beginner: Well first off, you get to sit at my parties, it is almost a requirement!

Neil: I shall be equally fierce, that once I am treated as an object, an object I am; and as it happens, the human race and I have parted.

And sadly, no, this is me. This is who I am, I cannot do math, I cannot understand non-literal communication, I can not be involved in serious adult decisions because I am, mentally, not fully an adult. Because I have a large vocabulary makes a child amusing and makes people think I haven't changed. I've changed, and brain damange like my body damage, if you can't accept it, then I am not sure what to do. Because the "real me" is me. This is the "Real Elizabeth" - The person who fenced is dead.

Hey Kate: An interesting 10 days, have you read Grief and Hope - it is probably the better of the pieces as well as falling. But then, how much can a person sitting around all day actually WRITE that has meaning. I am about to find out.

I wouldn't mind having a gang.

One Sick: I am glad, Linda says that when I am in this state, my writing is very direct, to the heart. Perhaps to her heart anyway.

Kids are more than welcome, in fact there are special stickers and cards for them to work on. I would love that.

Miss Fairy Sparkle: I am very sorry to hear of your problems and I Went and read some of them and I want you to know that now I will be thinking more of you. Trying to find a way to help you, or cheer you?

I am sure the same question comes to you - how can you go outside, knowing the risks you have, knowing the effect it can produce? We do it becuase we refuse to let our disability define our being.

Lene: I like cookies.

Abi: See, this is you to a T - you would likely do twice as much as everyone else but anquish over the fact that you did one sticker wrong on one postcard. Do you really think someone (or two someone's as Cheryl is worse than I am somedays, so we debate who does what) with little fine motor control is going to debate the EXACT perfect placing of a sticker. Some of my stickers have been placed 4 times, some I place and then go, "I'll cut off the bits that hang over - I can't do it again!"

Veralidaine: I am concerned becuase if you were God there were be few people and LOTS of animals in heaven, which isn't so bad, but might really confuse people who got in. I am glad that I have Linda, this is true.

Dawn: Well since my parents are still, "We need to think about this" after my brother told them he sexually used me, and have been for a while (year? years?), I don't know but either it is a "please go away" statement or they spend a LOT of time thinking.

Dawn not only are you worth of people paying attention to you but you have done and defied every medical and social expectation that has been attempted to be pressed into you - to make YOU carry them and limit your life. I will not aid in what is a story of true love, the relationship you had with your brother, which was one of love and connection and which rightly has grief, and solitude and isolation. I want you to know that no one can replace your brother, and we wouldn't even try to - but that you are not alone. And that I honor you and the grieiving you are going through. You very much DESERVE it.

Frida: Yes, I think we would have a lot in common about people who don't get it and then us trying to explain how we need some time as a break and realizing that we don't need to explain more than that - that finally we are in a group that 'gets it'

Kathz: I'm just stopping by to let you know I appreciate your postcards, and I am and have been reading your comments.

I hope next time you can stay, instead of just stopping by. I would like you to come to my postcard making party for one.

Anna: thank you for your well wishes. The evening wasn't really much of an improvement, sadly.

Abi: YEs, it is more frustrating of the two, more horrifying, more petrifying as you don't know what to do now, or what will happen next.

If you can tell me what day, what month, what year it is. If you can buy a packet of gum and know what bill to give, if you can look at your watch and tell me what time it will be in 90 minutes, then you don't get the math thing. Sequencing means the ability to understand that things come in a sequence. You take that either learned or inane ability away and things just are. The week goes, Tuesday, Saturday, Thursday, Monday, Wednesday, Sunday - and why not, becuase that actually has the exact same emotional resonance as a calander - and yes, I know there are only six days but I don't know what the missing one is and to me there is no sequence so I don't miss it. THAT is the difference between not being good at "sums" and not having the ability to sequence. When someone steals from you becuase your partner tells you later you gave them a bill 10 times what they asked you for and didn't expect change - that is more than problem with "sums".

I'm sorry I'm so irritable, it is just NO ONE gets it except the people who live with me or work with me every day. They think they do and so assume things, things which end up hurting me. People say for example, "well count on your fingers." And I ask, "How many fingers are there?" And they say "Five" and I hold up my hand and ask, "And how many are there NOW?" And they look puzzled and say, "Five." And I say, "But how will I know there are five when I need to count something?" And they just look like I am from another planet. And say, "THERE ARE ALWAYS FIVE." and I say, "That doesn't make sense." And we are both frustrated. While Linda would simply write a giant 5 in the middle of my hand - because I trust Linda and if she says my hand is worth 5, then it is.

I am glad you like this Elizabeth too. I want to be at peace. Very much. But as long as people hurt linda or attack her, and they still do, then how can I be at peace, and as long as agencies and specialist demand things, how can I not know fear?

Laura said...

Interestingly enough, last night I was on a site that had quotes at the bottom. There were several that I made sure to copy down. There is one that I think fits here.

"To concentrate on heaven is to create hell" - Tom Robbins.

There are some Christians that are so obsessed in everyone else's sins that they forget and create their own. I have struggled with this issue for many years and have finally come to the conclusion that when you point an accusatory finger in the direction of someone else you must remember that there are three pointing back at you. If you cannot live by the standards that you set for everyone else, than you have no business judging others.

Once, the Minister of the church that I grew up in came to me and asked me to come back to God. My Mother overhearing this replied to the Minister "Pastor, she probably knows God better than you do." Of course I was floored. See my Mother and I had this conversation not long before about how the people in that very church were so hypocritical. How they liked to gossip and point fingers at others in the congregation yet they forgot to look at their own indiscretions. Of course the conversation contained much more but the jest was that the only true commandment was that we were to love our neighbors as ourselves. The Golden Rule.

Oh poo, I hate it when I get all preachy. Especially when I know the other rule. It isn't appropriate to discuss, sex, religion or politics at a party. Now where are those stickers and postcards. Could you pass me that ink stamp!

Love All,
Laura

Abi said...

I agree that I don't properly understand the maths thing; I just understand my addition ability deserting me.

I can see why you would be irritated by everyone not getting it, too. I don't think that most people can get it without a lot of effort; I think that the time and sequencing thing is too deeply ingrained in people's minds for them to imagine what it would be like without.

I do find your lack of sequencing to be very problematic when I am writing to you, actually. I find it really hard to write without including information about time. However, when I look at the information I think "it doesn't matter much if the time bit isn't properly understood - it will still make sense". You have seen what I write like when I remove time concepts, and it is not pretty.

Anyway, you have reminded me to try harder. (sorry my attempts so far have been so poor). Perhaps I shall try writing, leaving it, then editing it afterwards...

Elizabeth McClung said...

Abi: I am so used to people including time that you might as well put it in as you say in interupts your writing and since I simply filter it out so your sentences go, "I blah to home where I rested and then I wanted to think about the concernt which was in blah and how that was blah away. And I went and practiced and felt a bit better because it seems that it is blah ("coming along")" - now for me, this is what I see, and the blahs are just references to the past of future of time, so really what difference does it make if I know if it is 2001 or 2007?

I was only able to recognize it becuase a) I live with it and still think about "why do these people do things and I don't" and b) I had earlier had to try and concieve of a way for an autistic child to understand sequencing who didn't and so I spent a LONG time thinking about how we assume that 2:00 comes after 1:00 but what if that assumption isn't THERE?

Tammy said...

If I could be anywhere, it would be with you. I want to be in that room with you so bad, I cried.
I love you Beth, and Linda. I live in that neighboring country but I don't feel that there is anything wrong with you and Linda and your love. You have a beautiful, pure love, and I know God looks at you two and loves and blesses your marriage the same as he does mine and my husbands marriage. It's not the orientation that makes a marriage, it's the love. You two are entitled to the same rights, benefits, and equal treatment as any marriage. That is just what is right. I don't know why "Christians" use that as an excuse for being evil to others..but they do. It's so sickening.
I never really thought of the communion as a form of cannibalism. Oh you are so right. Creepy!
I think your postcard project is beautiful! Since I have been the recipient of several of these cards, I know what joy they bring. I bought a beautiful pretty box that I keep them in and I put one on the mirror in my bedroom where I see it first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. That way I think of you then and try to send you good Karma. I rotate the cards so I have a different picture each week. They are one of my favorite treasures. They are like getting a hug from across the miles, and knowing that somewhere, out there in the big ugly world, there is a piece of beautiful, and she cares and loves, for no other reason than it's right. Every time I see them, I smile, and thank God that I found your blog and you.

A Bear in the Woods said...

I'm just so not into Christianity any more. When Catholics and Mormons spend jillions of dollars trying to tell gay people they can't have a legitimate love or marriage, but their perversions are okay, because they're Christian so that makes them nice...
The people who can tell us what to think are the people who own us, and that's why I make it a priority to think for myself.

But I hope you're feeling better.

And you're not wacky to me.

cheryl g said...

Oooh a postcard party! I'll bring all my rubber stamps and we can have cookies and chocolate and be silly and laugh. It will be lots of fun!

I like spending time in the "child's room" with you. It makes me feel safe which is something my world is currently lacking.

Raccoon said...

Cookies? Cookies?

Cookies!

Chocolate Chip, I hope?

The rest of it? I don't really have any idea of what to say.

Except that there's a lot of hypocrisy in organized religions...

Neil said...

"I don't believe that the road to peace is paved with the bodies of those we hate."

Beth, dear, my Beloved is asking for permission to use your sentence as her first favourite on FaceBook. May she, please?

Verilidaine, now you've got me crying... I'm voting for you for Keeper of the Zombie Gates, even if there are more animals than people in heaven. And my beloved would like to quote YOU to, for her second quote. But should she use your screen name?

Beth: you are human to me; I understand you feel you're reduced to an object, but you're human to me, and always will be. I hope you don't mind.

I know the old you is being destroyed by the seizures, etc., and I acknowledge that I can't judge your current abilities from here. And my youngest son has always had a precocious vocabulary, which makes even us treat him more maturely than we might otherwise, so I get it that your language skills partially make up for your loss of brain power. Yes, you have lost fencing and other abilities; but I don't think it's just because you keep repeating your name that you're still Elizabeth Fucking McClung. I suppose that what makes you so special was always there, even when you were a child; and now that you're headed back there, dammit, that quality is still there. And now I seem to have argued my way around to your point of view, and I don't know what to think. And I certainly don't know how to edit this comment to make sense. Can I end the disagreement by admitting you're right and offering a friendly kiss and hug?

Dawn: no guilt needed. You're in a bad space, and we're thinking of you too.

Hugs to all and especially Linda,
Neil

A. J. Luxton said...

The Satan signboard guy you mention in your previous post reminds me of Frank Chu, a celebrity eccentric of San Francisco, following the tradition of Emperor Norton...

Thinking of you.

thea said...

Oooooh I really would like to come and be part of putting stickers on and eating cookies and having fun. I really think that could be a very good way to do things! And I would be happy to do things with the very young Elizabeth, or with Elizabeth when she knows more things. Either way is fine, either way would be fun I think.

I am trying to understand when you talk about losing understanding about things like numbers. I often lose some of the organization in my head, but not as far. But I think I can comprehend what you are talking about.

belledame222 said...

These nice ladies in sweaters with cats on them shoving a plate in front of you asking in a voice of utmost politeness, “The body of Christ? The broken body of Christ?”

What do you say, “No, thanks, I killed a guy called Bob and have some of him in the car.”


...that would be excellent. But only if you offer them some of Bob in return; it's only polite.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

--Gandhi