Friday, October 31, 2008

Sick but not Dead (Sick is better); have fun for me?

Tonight is Hallow’s Eve, the day of the dead. So that makes it my day, I guess. I am missing the fun of my own goth holiday. Would suck if I wasn’t busy being well, ‘holding up walls with my head’ (Worker: I’m going to do the dishes.” Me: (faintly) “You do that, I’ll…uh, keep holding up with wall with my head”)

I am also adjusting to the fact that I am supposed to die. But as I said to Linda, “How many treatments have failed?”

And she said, “None.”

And I said, “Exactly, so I will live, how can I die, with cancer they have lots of treatments, if you told me they had tried five treatments and failed I might be discouraged, but no, I am going to be fine. Once they try a treatment, things will be different.”

Then I had Seizures almost without end until past 3:15. And today. I have a dropsy face, and I have lost my balance or sense of up, which could be inner ear thing. Either way, here is to autumn and tonight.

Sadly, tonight means that I will be lucky to get a nap much less any sleep as fireworks will go off at a regular basis long into the night. This means likely some more trauma to me. But Linda said, “Don’t die on me today!” to me in an email. So no, I will be turning away all Death Madonna’s I see, however enchanting they may be.
Right now the best word for me is addled, or shaken AND stirred. I had to create a disassociate state to get some things done, to be strong when I was weak. And it cost me, very badly. I have been told about a lesbian dance in town which is accessible by Lisa (Thank you Lisa) but even my care workers who watched me though another three or so seizures say that I simply cannot be moved. I am sometimes too weak to breath, but luckily, I have very good people who help me breath when I am too weak. I am integrating, but also I am mixed up. I am a ditz! Sorry, I will not die today, so please go and have fun. I need to lie very still for a very long time.

I did so want to get dressed up and go trick or treating (pushed about in a wicker wheelchair!). Right now I really want to try and get to my bed which means three transfers (chair to wheelchair, wheelchair to toilet, back again and then to bed – wait that’s FOUR!). Have a great time tonight. Play safe. Fireworks are not actually to be used as weapons to aim at your siblings!

(Odd Gay Note: needed to speak to someone in a call center maybe in India, or the USA, not Canada, about something, I was 'Madam' after telling them I was Elizabeth. It turns out account not in my name but Linda's. I kept saying, "We're partners!", no go, "We are married!" nope. Who was she to me, they wanted to know. I would not say "My wife!" so I said, "I married her!" in almost a shout. I was "sir" for the rest of the call, no matter what. I am married to Linda, thus I am 'sir' - Call Center logic)


yanub said...

Sir Elizabeth. Ha! I love it. It is silly how some people's thinking works.

The death madonnas you picked to show are lovely. I always enjoy your eye for beauty.

I'm sorry you won't be able to enjoy any of the revelry of the night. When I get off work, I'll send you a spooky true story. I don't promise I can tell it well, but I do promise it will be real. Or, at least as real as these things tend to run.

Abi said...

Excellent pictures! The colours are rather lovely!

I'm very pleased to see another entry from you. I was getting worried. And I agree that sick is most assuredly better than dead from many, many people's points of view.

The most fun I had this evening was speaking to a friend on her way home from work. I think that she is at a Hallowe'en party now; I am at my boring suburban house, watching the TV and wearing clothes which could be described as slightly goth if one were really desperate. What an exciting life I lead. But hey, Poirot was on TV and it is Friday; life could be worse.

Anyway, sleep well when you get to bed. I shall be joining you shortly ;-)

Neil said...

It sounds like the more modern Beth is back in the driver's seat, so to speak. This is good.

But not having fun on Halloween is bad. And photos of you in a wicker wheelchair would have been so cool. NOT dying tonight would be good, too.

Since you don't normally have to go about explaining your marriage, I can understand the call centre person being a little confused at first. But once it's explained in short words, they are fools not to adapt to the situation.

Love and hugs,

Neil said...

Hey, I just realized something. you invented time travel yesterday!

Shame it wasn't the wonderful event time travel is supposed to be. But then, you met yourself which is supposedly a paradox and thus impossible. You do strive for the impossible, though, so it's all good.

More hugs!

Maggie said...

Halloween is my favorite too! But, you know my fascination with everything dead so it would only make sense. I"m sorry you will not get to participate in Halloween so actively this year. Maybe we can have a make-up Halloween for you when you are more up for it?
Sending get strong and rest well vibes your way tonight.

Rachael said...

Since we're about, I don't know, 20 hours ahead or something, we've already HAD Halloween - and not a single trick or treater. It's probably just because it's not as big a deal in NZ as in America. And we have fireworks on Nov 5th - for Guy Fawkes - our English colonisation is showing....
BUT, fun is being had today anyway - it was Amy's 11th birthday a couple of days ago and we have a witches and wizards birthday party about to start. So, lots of purple and black streamers and balloons, dressed up kids, games and prizes - it had better be fun!

thea said...

Call centres are... just scary.

Holding up walls is a good one. Personally, I do 'keeping the floor coverings in place'. This is done by sitting on them, for instance in a shop or something. Sometimes I keep chair cushions and things in place, too. Important to stop them just floating about randomly, you understand...

But walls... you gotta watch those walls. Fall down as soon as you take your head off them, they will.

Lene Andersen said...

Thanks for posting - I was worried about you. Of course, now I'm just as worried, but worried with information. I guess that's an improvement?

Had fun handing out candy in the lobby of my building decorated by a true Hallowe'en freak. Lots of fun. Should've taken photos for you. Damn, brain's on vacation.

Fireworks? For Hallowe'en? Is that a new thing? Hope it's not too bad. Or that your poor brain's tired of going boom and falls into a restful sleep instead.

Postcard just went into the mailbox for you.

Tammy said...

I just wanted you to know I'm still reading and that I care very much.
I have a cute story that made me think of you when my son told it to me: My 14 year old son is in his almost goth stage. His clothes have to be black, from head to toe, and he wouldn't be caught without his black fedora and black leather jacket. Tonight the girls at the McDonalds drive-thru kept telling him how much they loved his costume. He and Hubby got the biggest giggles out of it. It wasn't a costume, just his everyday clothing. Happy Halloween
I hope you start feeling better soon.

Laura said...

You need Tootsie Rolls and bad! I know this is the wrong thing to say to a bipolar but try not to think of too much. At least keep the ricochets to a minimum. I will trick or treat for you. Actually, I'll have Dylan trick or treat for you. Take it easy tonight. Love you Beth.


Tayi said...

You get fireworks on Halloween? I don't think I've seen that before, but the part of me that likes to set things on fire is a bit envious. Although since I'm planning on going to bed before 10pm- and have had pajamas on since this afternoon, I'm so tired- it's not like I would actually appreciate them any more than you will. Happy Halloween anyway! :)

Victor Kellar said...

Collette and I just came home from Hallowe'en. This is a special day for because it our anniversary; number 25.

When to dinner, went to a show, got tattoos. I'll be blogging about that tomorrow

Sorry you couldn't participate in Hallowe'en, I can imagine how much you enjoy it. But you are still here with us, and Not Dying Today is thing to celebrate too

Anna said...

Beatiful pictures. I agree with Linda, don't die on us today, please. I will try to have fun, though not the trick or treat way. Wish me luck.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Luck Anna!

Victor: Sweet! Congrats and please if they aren't um - well I like to think of this as an R rated blog not X-rated, if you get my drift! Congrats and a great evening!

Meredith said...

O hai Liz. I've been quite busy recently, so I didn't write here - but I got your postcard yesterday and decided to leave a sign.

Speaking of sickness and such, my grandma just died (but it was good for her - I mean, she couldn't stand just lying in bed with diapers on her ass and bed sores all over her legs, with strength not enough to hold a spoon, as she always said she wanted to get up and make lunch for her son, or work in the garden... it was very awkward for all of us in the family, including herself), and my mom's ataxia also got worse since I'm in university.

I'm pretty pissed off because of these things; after all, I see a man "fixing" people with the weirdest illnesses every single Wednesday night, and then I experience reality where nobody can do anything - just what the hell is going on? Reading your blog and thinking of this shit my ancestors are in makes me feel guilty of my perfect health - and the fact that I didn't make it on the med school entrance exams. :-S

Meanwhile, my country grows more and more like a pit of pointless aggression. My friend's wonderful autistic kid got horribly beaten in an "integrative" school by NT classmates. I'm at risk of losing my room in the student hostel because other inhabitants are "afraid" of me - actually, the director told me, "if you cut yourself, there is no guarantee that you won't cut others". WHAT?! If someone masturbates, then xe's automatically a potential sex offender?! Seriously, these people are in one of the finest educational facilities in the EU - but their logic is bullshit. (Thinking of emigration, again.)

Callcenter: LOL. And they complain about the dumbness of customers. One of my buddies worked at a callcenter once, and he found it actually entertaining that despite what we see all over the net, only a tiny fraction of callers are morons or unserious callers. Anyways, it's good to see an example of the client view. :-)

Hold on! And Happy Halloween, albeit belatedly.


Drake said...

Silly call centre...sheesh

I hope you had a good nights rest. This morning, my mom comments that I sleep a lot as of late... Then she commented that it's good for the "healing" process... I almost screamed at her. What healing process? There is no healing process for Marfan's. I might not be terminal, but the damage that has been done and keeps on being done to my body, is permanent...there is no healing. Maybe surgery, yes, but it's debateable wether one would be better off after it.

Once, while in ICU, the nurses could barely hold their laughter. I could tell that they were going to explode, so I smiled at them and the whole ICU staff broke into laughter. The first couple of days I couldn't sleep because of pain. The next, I couldn't sleep because everytime I would start to fall asleep, my whole body would jerk and spasmism, waking me up. The last night, I had two gentlemen on either side of me whom started a chorus of snoring. The one nurse walking past looked at me and commented how I wasn't going to get sleep again...this caused the whole outburst. They couldn't give me sleeping pills out of fear that I might not wake up.

I don't really follow Halloween. At one stage, I would have but that's a long time ago and at that point it was a religious day to me. I practiced Wicca for a while...

I hope you had a good rest. And don't try to keep the whole world on your head, it will only make it hurt! ;D

rachelcreative said...

Happy (belated) Halloween. Our plan was to go to a comedy gig last night (Halloween here in the UK) but the consensus was I was too tired and it would make me (more) ill. So I sat in bed eating fish and chips and watching tv.

Fish and chips in bed! I lead a wild lifestyle me ;o)

JaneB said...

Hi Beth, 'Sir' is definitely a better title than madam - or maybe you have other ideas??? :-)

We get fireworks on Halloween - not because it's halloween, but because it's in the 3-4 week period of setting off fireworks around the 5th of November (remember remember...). There's another one around New Year... though this year there are a lot fewer private parties and fireworks so far, credit crunch maybe. Hope brain decided to be stubborn and NOT imitate the fireworks by going boom

tornwordo said...

I think sir elizabeth has a nice ring to it.

OneSick said...

We had fun!

My monsters are striking out for independence and insisted that the did NOT need an adult with them for trick-or treating.

We compromised: I allowed them to trick-or-treat unaccompanied on OUR street (both blocks! How progressive am I?) before dark provided they took a cellphone.

Then when they were finished, they would call, I would meet them and take them farther afield.

So the phone rang and it was my DD. I said "Tell me where you are and I will meet you"

"I'm by a white house with a blue car parked outside."
"That doesn't really help. What is the address of the house?"
"Oh. It is 22 William St."

We don't LIVE on William St. (the wee boogers) But it is just around the corner, so I forgave them.

Then I spent a happy half-hour hanging back and watching my Autie and Aspie ring on people's doors and interact with them appropriately. It was nice to watch and think how far they had come. I distinctly remember my son about 4, dressed as a dinosaur and having a tantrum because he had bumped his costume tail and Daddy would not kiss it better...

I had to laugh at the call center thing. Quite bizarre.


Neil said...

Thea: That is cute; my 15 yr old wanted a long trench coat like the one Neo wears in The Matrix. It's fabric, and it's pretty cool, and my Beloved finished it last night at 8 pm. Then he went to a party at his older brother's house, leaving two female fiends at OUR house. We talked with them for a while, then they asked if they could clean his room for him. How could we say no? So they did!! They had the door closed, and there was a LOT of giggling (typical teen girls?), so we don't know what they found, or what they hid...

Victor; 25 years is a good number; congratulations! We're 3 and a half years behind you. But, tattoos??? I'll be watching your blog today!

Mr. Elizabeth McClung: still can't get over that silliness. Stupid call centre drone. I hope that doesn't mean there's a operation in your future. :)

Not Dying Today is good, but like Meredith's grandmother, and my mom last year, there will come a time when dying is a good thing. I do hope, however, tat you have a lot of teaching and blogging left before flying away.

Lots of love, positive thoughts, zen hugs, and strength to keep holding up the walls,

FridaWrites said...

Hi, Elizabeth, happy halloween! Oops, my mom's here, more later.

SharonMV said...

Hi Beth,

Actually, Dia de los Muertos is Nov.1st. And some celebrate On Nov 2nd as well. I've been wanting to learn more about Day of the Dead & start celebrating it as part of my Latina heritage. But no luck this year, I'm too sick for that. Dennis went to a Halloween party last night, but I was home - no tricker-treaters either.

A couple of things I do know about the Day of the Dead. The dancing skeleton lady is called La Catrina and represents La Muerta (Death). There is a tradition to make altars dedicated to loved ones who have died. The altars are decorated & filled with things that the dead one liked & enjoyed during life, eg; favorite foods. This encourages that person's spirit to visit.

Dear Elizabeth, please be wary of any catrinas or death modonnas for the next 2 days. Be they skeletons or as beautiful women like the ones in your pictures.


Devi said...

I did have a great time... wish you could've had one too, though.

Raccoon said...

I had the arm of my wheelchair with the joystick on it try to fall off as I was rolling to the bank. Does that count as fun? It's now held on by zip ties, and I have an appointment to get it fixed on Monday...

We had almost 100 visitors last evening extorting candy. They weren't expecting the candy bowl to try graphing them; there were some great screams! And a mommy carrying a baby dressed like a tiger cub (we turned off for claw in the candy bowl for that one).

In general, the kids up to 12 or 13 would wear costumes, from them up to 17-ish wouldn't, and then the adults would. Interesting demographics, you can definitely tell the "I'm too cool to wear a stupid costume" crowd.

Diane J Standiford said...

I swear I saw you in my bedroom last night, you were very very scary.

Neil said...

Raccoon: Ah, but what if the costume were NOT stupid?

Of course, "stupid" is in the eye of beholder. My Beloved enjoyed the photos of Beth in vinyl, but she'd NEVER wear it herself; she's *much* too practical. Or inhibited...

Hugs to you as well as Beth, Linda, etc, my invisible friend,

Elizabeth McClung said...

Diane: Me NOT THAT scary - you ate too much candy.

Yanub: I was knighted and I didn't even know it!

Neil said...

Ciao, cara Beth: Knighted... Yeah right. Guys get Knighted, while the female equivalent is a Dame. Dame/Knight of Grace is the next step higher. That's you, dear: you should be a Dame of Grace.

Buona notte, mia cara; Io mando voi zen abbracci!
(Sorry, I've been watching Francesco da Mosto. Does it show?)

Lisa Moon said...

Sorry to miss you at the dance. I didn't stay for too long after my ticket-selling shift. It was well-attended and everyone looked to be having fun... which was part of my sadness. At least if I had a wheelchair, I could have boogied on the dancefloor, but my 'good' leg gets a little annoyed with all its expected to do, so I skipped my favourite part about dances... uh, the dancing.
PS While well represented with lesbians of all ages, the Womens' Creative Network actually welcomes all self-identified women to their women-only dances (yes, there are some which are all-gender, too).
I hope that the next dance (held 4 times/year) is one I might see you at. It would be wonderful to have you there and you can be as goth as you wish, any time of the year. :)

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