Tonight is Hallow’s Eve, the day of the dead. So that makes it my day, I guess. I am missing the fun of my own goth holiday. Would suck if I wasn’t busy being well, ‘holding up walls with my head’ (Worker: I’m going to do the dishes.” Me: (faintly) “You do that, I’ll…uh, keep holding up with wall with my head”)
I am also adjusting to the fact that I am supposed to die. But as I said to Linda, “How many treatments have failed?”
And she said, “None.”
And I said, “Exactly, so I will live, how can I die, with cancer they have lots of treatments, if you told me they had tried five treatments and failed I might be discouraged, but no, I am going to be fine. Once they try a treatment, things will be different.”
Then I had Seizures almost without end until past 3:15. And today. I have a dropsy face, and I have lost my balance or sense of up, which could be inner ear thing. Either way, here is to autumn and tonight.
Sadly, tonight means that I will be lucky to get a nap much less any sleep as fireworks will go off at a regular basis long into the night. This means likely some more trauma to me. But Linda said, “Don’t die on me today!” to me in an email. So no, I will be turning away all Death Madonna’s I see, however enchanting they may be.
Right now the best word for me is addled, or shaken AND stirred. I had to create a disassociate state to get some things done, to be strong when I was weak. And it cost me, very badly. I have been told about a lesbian dance in town which is accessible by Lisa (Thank you Lisa) but even my care workers who watched me though another three or so seizures say that I simply cannot be moved. I am sometimes too weak to breath, but luckily, I have very good people who help me breath when I am too weak. I am integrating, but also I am mixed up. I am a ditz! Sorry, I will not die today, so please go and have fun. I need to lie very still for a very long time.
I did so want to get dressed up and go trick or treating (pushed about in a wicker wheelchair!). Right now I really want to try and get to my bed which means three transfers (chair to wheelchair, wheelchair to toilet, back again and then to bed – wait that’s FOUR!). Have a great time tonight. Play safe. Fireworks are not actually to be used as weapons to aim at your siblings!
(Odd Gay Note: needed to speak to someone in a call center maybe in India, or the USA, not Canada, about something, I was 'Madam' after telling them I was Elizabeth. It turns out account not in my name but Linda's. I kept saying, "We're partners!", no go, "We are married!" nope. Who was she to me, they wanted to know. I would not say "My wife!" so I said, "I married her!" in almost a shout. I was "sir" for the rest of the call, no matter what. I am married to Linda, thus I am 'sir' - Call Center logic)
12 hours ago