Saturday, October 04, 2008

Pour lolita Goth Hello Kitty and the winter in me.

I am sad. There is no single reason. The nights are dark soon but since I can’t remember summers except as a distant memory, why should that concern me, what does it have to do with my health? I haven’t been able to do what I wanted these last three weeks, which was get post cards and packages done. Last week I sent out 1 package, the week before I did four. That is very frustrating. Also, I don’t have any of the postcards ready, and that is frustrating too. I feel like there are a lot of people out there waiting for me; waiting for me to show that I care, and I would if I could, but I am failing them.

I didn’t get care today, usually I use Fridays and do packages while my care helps with laundry, but the care giver didn’t come. So I didn’t get as much accomplished, just moving around of different things. Trying to remember people.

It is okay to be sad right? I feel like I have a winter inside of me. I look at this Oga picture and it reminds me how I feel (it is from Pom Poko), only I don’t have a bunch of Raccoons making music in me.

On days like this, I want a fresh start; to start my disability over again. I am sure I could do it better this time. Here is another Oga print but I can’t tell if it is warm or cold. It is a traditional rural house with the summer fans hanging up, I have sent the ones I have out to people. There is a type of dye flower left out to dry. The dark woods in the household, the family furniture but empty. There is a pain that I feel every day; I thought it would go away but it doesn’t, about why my parents have turned away, why my family and friends left. We aren’t estranged, since you would have to know someone’s existence to be estranged. Would have to speak to them, even to say ‘go away.’ I saw my parents during one of my races on the course. I was so surprised I almost crashed, and raised my hand. When I got to the finish, I looked for them, but they weren’t there, Linda and Cheryl were. Later that week I had enough courage to ask Linda why my parents weren’t at the finish, if she knew. She said, they had a meeting with someone to go to, a luncheon.

I got a card from them this week, it was addressed formally to me, Dr. McClung. I guess when I write back I should do what I haven’t, not use first names or Mom or Dad but Mr. and Mrs. Even in my name, they are distancing themselves from me. “To Dr. McClung” – I guess the part of me that is supposed to be part of someone’s child should accept that, at last, and wither and die.

So I'll talk about the nonsense that takes up time. Like we went to the discount shoe store in the mall, and I found these sketchers I wanted but they were in Linda’s size instead. Linda isn’t really femme enough to pull off the ballet/chinese goldfish look. Instead she got these “Technical Running Shoes” that were marked down from $170 to $40. I know she will get good use out of them. I forced Cheryl to try on the sketchers too, as she and Linda are the same shoe size. Didn’t work for a butch either. Just seems wrong that the shoes I like shouldn’t go to a friend.

I think my h.naoto backpack may soon arrive. But the truth is that I have another h.naoto bag: a hello kitty bag. Now this would be perfect if I WAS a goth loli and could walk. But since getting all those petticoats in wheelchair is a bit of a bitch and I can’t sling it over my shoulder and wheel, I just have to own this h.naoto bag and bring it out and pet it now and then.

A little over a month ago I scored the great rarity in the goth Hello Kitty world: the legendary pour lolita goth stationary set. I haven’t got a punk one yet, but the rarest of the rare is the goth one. That’s because the creator just after making the Pour Lolita line was sent to jail (for pot use), and Hello Kitty just deleted the entire line. So what was sold isn’t acknowledged to exist by Hello Kitty and thus no one knows for sure what does exist. There is the Punk Line (red), Sweet Goth line (pink) and this purple and black goth line. I like the mixture of skulls and butterflies. I haven’t opened it as I bought it brand new off a dealer in Japan who I think didn’t realize they were somewhat rare (like Halley’s Comet rare!). I was actually tipped off from a message board where I had left a comment for someone if they ever saw it. Someone did and bought one of the two sets, and emailed me, I acted immediately and got the other.

Let’s see, a couple rare and beautiful things before we go on our way: first of all are this Yaoi couple, from a different artist. They both seem to be very femme and I am not sure who is in change in bed, probably the one with the Knife. I have to admit, if guys are going to go for the femme look getting the color coordinated earrings is a must!

There is also this Bromehide Card. Which I like except I want to know what exactly is the story here? Why is it that any time a girl starts glowing then guys tie her up? Admittedly tied up with ribbons which probably is sort of suggestive.

I am going to finish with the last time I remember being sort of happy, which was at air hockey. Even 2/3rds of a good day and 1/3 of a crap day is better than a crap day. Here is Cheryl looking very determined. Very, very determined.

Which leads us to ask, should someone with such back injuries be making sudden attacking moves like that? Dunno (how did you sleep THAT night?). I wasn’t about to ask her since I was trying to win (didn’t). Anyway she seems to be having fun, maybe she is looking at the final score.
Here is a picture of Linda playing air hockey, isn’t she looking nice, and smiling. That’s because she was getting her ass handed to her. I was up 5-0. Then Linda suddenly wasn’t all smiley anymore and that was it, her 'game face' was on! I was doing 12-22 shots on her goal, all legitimate “winners” and she stopped them all. Linda’s strength was defense and once she put her game face on, I could not get another point. She came back, wham, wham, wham, wham. Nothing like going, “Oh, ho ho, at least I will win this” at 5-0 to then feel the cold ashes of losing 5-7. Ouch. That’s because Linda stopped smiling and got down to “Biz” – which is kicking Elizabeth’s butt.

I hope it isn’t as cold, rainy and just plumb isolating where you are. Have a good weekend.


kathz said...

You are not failing anyone. The postcards and gifts you have already sent continue to give pleasure. Your blog continues to keep people in touch.

The "Dr McClung" address may not be as you think - sometimes (not often) my parents use Dr on things addressed to me - and I think it's because they're proud of me having a doctorate. And when friends and students get doctorates I try to remember to put "Dr" on envelopes because it's something they've achieved. So it may be like that with your parents - after all, it is a great achievement, though you may feel you've achieved more since.

It's cold here too and rain is predicted. And I'm feeling a bit sad and lonely. My daughter is now away at university (she seems to have settled in brilliantly and made friends which is a great delight and relief, but of course I miss her) and my son is out with friends just now (also a good thing). It's Goose Fair week in Nottingham. (Goose Fair) is a gigantic touring funfair.) I've been remembering how I used to love going with the children when they were younger and now I've no excuse to go and no-one to go with. But I shall feel lerss regretful when the rain starts.

I hope you're feeling happier soon - and more aware of how you are loved and valued by very many people.

Kita said...

Are you allowed to be sad? That is, if you will excuse me, a dumb quesion. Of course you are allowed to be sad! You are human. The turning of the seasons always brings to me a saddness - I am not looking forward to the dark nights, the cold (god how I hate the cold!)

Your parents - though I hae no right to speak here - need their asses kicked. They are missing out on the most wonderful person that is you. And, hey - at least you get to see your folks. My mom decided the best way to NOT see me was to move 400 miles away, without telling me. Yup, thats my family for ya. I doubt very much I would even regonise her if I were to pass her in the street.

The point is, my dear friend, that even though others may give up on you - your true friends are right HERE, caring for you, wishing you well, hoping for the best for you. The hand of friendship is there for you.. now, how do you like your tea? I'll come over and keep you company, make the tea and we could sit forever..

Caroline said...

Yep, it's ok to be sad, it's appropriate sometimes and it's the contrast that makes you know you are happy when you are. It's grey, wet and windy here and I am alone, as usual and a little bit sad too - but that's ok, the world still has Hello Kitty moments...have a good weekend x

Gaina said...

Of course it's ok to be sad - moods are cyclical and what goes down will come up again. Summer makes me incredibly sad, I just hate the heat and the 'cheeriness' of it all. Some people use the 'death of the year' that is winter to take stock of what has and hasn't been achieved but I get this feeling in summer when everything seems so active and I'm....not. :P

I think that Hello Kitty back pack is enough to cheer anyone up, though! :)

I hope you get some nice sunny but cool days so you can go and commune with your squirrel people :).

Anna said...

Go on be sad,since humans are suppose to have all sort of feelings and you are truly human. Parents, friends, well don't know why they are not there for you. It is hard. What happens if you reach out to them? You probably tried's hard.

We have autumn here and two evenings ago we thought it was the end of the world, there were lightning, stars above but a strong shimmering light at the horizon and a grey mist coming up from the ground. A friend of mine went to bed so she would be asleep when the end came, I stayed awake. I wanted to see. Maybe that weather was like my mind that night, don't know.

Abi said...

Getting postcards from you does indeed show us that you care, but we don't actually doubt that you do.

I am sorry that you are sad. You have every right to be sad, but that doesn't make it any more fun.

I'm sure that if you were able to start this disability again from the beginning you would beat yourself at being disabled. Not that you are competitive, or anything ;-)

Having said that, you are doing an amazing job of showing me how being disabled can be done - with humour, determination and human-ness. You are educating me about limitations and love. Granted, there are many more important things that you are doing, but from my point of view, I see somebody doing great things.

I think that Kathz has the right idea about the Dr McClung thing - that came to mind to me, too. They could be saying "We know that you have achieved things and we are proud". It looks as though your parents are trying, but don't know what to do. It is all to easy to do nothing when the alternative is getting it wrong. They are missing out on a lot, though.

FridaWrites said...

It's okay to be sad. Sometimes I have winter inside me too. Winter can be beautiful though. More sunlight and joy within it soon, sunshine on snow.

Shea said...

I have a whole other post I am in the process of writing you. I love the shoes by the way. The purse is cute too. Yes, you have the right to be sad. I am down a little today as well. I'm sorry your parents are not there for you.

wendryn said...

It's ok to be sad.

Families are weird. My sister doesn't even admit to my existence. The rest of my family does, though, so it's not as bad as it could be. I'm sorry you are feeling distant. I know that can be very hard.

We're wishing for rain. It's been a long time since we've had a good rain. We've had a bunch of thunderstorms that managed to light things on fire but skipped the whole idea of rain, so I envy you a little. Xander and I both love the cold and the rain. Someday we'll move away from the desert. :p

JaneB said...

You aren't failing any of us.

It's OK to be sad, I hope, as I am definitely melancholic today.

It's grey and threatening rain outside, a crow or jackdaw has been cawing for the last half an hour, and I'm feeling like a failure for not getting things done, for feeling low in my favourite time of year, for having a messy house. For having less than a month to go until I'm 40, and still being alone. For being jealous of you and of other friends for having a great relationship, a permanent relationship, for being brave enough to have reached out and risked it, for being lucky enough to have found someone worth the risk. For needing anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds (my counselling person is quite cross with me about that, which doesn't help) when really, I have a great life - an education and a good job and a home and family and friends and a decent income and reasonable health.

Maybe it's just a Grey Day everywhere today?

Lene Andersen said...

Love that photo of Cheryl with a huge, shiteating grin on her face - I think she just scored a point?

You are not failing anyone - we know you care. There is no doubt that you care.

Sorry you're feeling sad and isolated. Wish I could pop over for a visit to cheer you up. I'm there in spirit, my friend. Big hugs.

Neil said...

Sometimes parents will use the Dr. on correspondence to show pride in your educational accomplishments. Sometimes they use it because they don't want to see what you've become; they're trying to remember the EFM they were proud of. I feel sorry for your parents: they're stuck in the past; they can't see where they are hurting themselves and you; they're missing out on a daughter who's more worthy than ever of parental pride; and they're missing out on loving a daughter-in-law who is equally worthy of their love and pride. It is your parents who fractured the family, Beth, NOT you.

Now, you feel you are failing us? No, no, NO, dear Niece! You are a faithful blogger; you stay in touch with us, your Internet family; and you are involved with that little matter of your failing health. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak; if you want to send more cards, we'd love to receive them, but if you are unable to send them, we understand. We still love you, still treasure you. And I for one, will always treasure you and be proud of you and ALL your accomplishments. Well, all that I know of.

Are you allowed to feel sad? Of course you are. You're human, and humans have emotions. QED. Now, are you prone to depression (you DON't have to answer this!!)? If so, be aware (if you weren't already) that the barometer can affect your mood. And the barometer was falling most of the day yesterday in Victoria. It started rising again at 6 this morning, or maybe a bit earlier, but you have a wind warning in effect, and that may also affect your mood.

Here on the prairies, we sometimes get relentless winds in spring, and a high school teacher I used to know said her class was going crazy one spring because of the non-stop wind.

And all that is a long-winded way to say that it is natural to feel blue sometimes, as opposed to being green. (My, you're colourful!)

So if you're a bit depressed, it's okay. Acknowledge your mood; don't try to force your jolly side, but don't give in totally to the depression. Treat yourself gently, talk to you friends and that child bride of yours, and do something nice for yourself. With a bit of patience, your mood will improve, usually the next day.

How did you get up so high to take such nice photos of Linda and Cheryl? No anonymous hypocrisy here, just asking.

The Yaoi couple don't do much for me, but the artistic style does. I rather like the light washes of colour.

But I NEVER bother colour coordinating my earrings!

Love, respect, and zen hugs, dear Dr. EFM.

yanub said...

Once again, you have managed to choose illustrations that solidly capture the mood you feel, the expressions you wish to get across.

It is a beautiful day here though I have not dared ventured out as yet. After my coffee and antihistimine have worked their ways, the heavy ragweed in the outside air won't seem so daunting. So, no worries, I will make sure to enjoy the sunshine.

It boggles my mind to remember that the cold is already setting in further north. And a rainy day, too, to accentuate your mood. That's unfortunate, though, I must say, a sunny day when you are in the midst of depression seems like a special kick in the teeth. So I guess the mood is more important than the weather.

I think Kathz may be right that your parents are just trying to show that they are proud of your accomplishments. But I am with you that it just comes off as cold when you are in a position that you need comfort and reassurance of your essential worth regardless of accomplishment. After all, that degree is from another time in your life, and what you are trying to accomplish now is much more difficult, and there is no set curriculum, and the goal is simply to do the best you can.

Are you familiar with randori? When I was in aikido, that was my favorite exercise. Several attackers against one defender, with the attack going on until the outcome was clear. The idea was to emphasize that, no matter how skilled anyone was, eventually we would all face a situation in which the best we could hope for is to perform with grace and composure, because winning was not possible. You, Beth, are in randori, and you are performing with grace.

Thank you for sharing the pictures of Cheryl and Linda from the air hockey game. Along with your pictures, they really radiate a loving relationship amongst all three of you.

Donimo said...

I understand that you want to get more packages and postcards out, but you're sending so many and have touched so many lives... you aren't letting people down! Those who read this blog know how much you care about the postcard project and connecting with people and that it is an ongoing struggle for you to match your output with what you have in mind to do. But your output on this blog is amazing and speaks not only to your personal process but also to your desire to connect with others in a positive way. Please, try to remember that you are not failing people.

I haven't been around the blogosphere a lot lately because I have had a wicked flu and it has triggered my abdominal pain bit time. You have company in feeling sad and in struggling with not getting things done and having crap day after day. I haven't been out for quite a while, but, if I am able, this afternoon we are going to go out and take our dog to play with two Papillon puppies. He'll probably ignore them and we'll do the playing, but that's fine with me. I'm going to try to suck all the sweetness out of this little outing without crushing the puppies! Do we have to be pleasure vampires?

Oh, speaking of fun bits, S. and I have checked out the h.Naoto site and are quite taken by he "Hangry vs. Angry" series. NOT that I understand it. Have you seen any of the clothes or figures? Odd.

So. I know I can't relieve you of pain or suffering or being sad, but Iwho care about you and are enriched by knowing you makes a little dent in the isolation.

Neil said...

Konnichiwa, beautiful:

It has been mostly sunny today, about 22 C for a high, but with a beastly wind gusting as high as 65 km/hr. And I had to take a load of bottles for recycling in a bicycle trailer. Not really an enjoyabe ride.

But Kiki's Delivery Service was abailable for pickup at the local library, and I"ve watched it, and it's very interesting. You should believe in yourself, dear Beth, as much as Kiki learns to.

Love and hugs,

Penny L. Richards said...

You're not letting us down--we loved our postcards this week! Nell awwed over the polar bear photo (you guessed right!), and I've got Sandra Bernhardt on my bulletin board--she's looming over my desk as I type this. She does that well.

Oh--and my grandmother's friend puts "Dr." on all her letters addressed to me. It's old-school, I guess!

And btw: I have those exact Skechers--I wear them often (just checked, they're not under the desk, but they often are). I live within walking distance of the Skechers flagship store in Manhattan Beach, if you need anything... Or if you want a well-used pair of the chinese- goldfish-yellow-silk motif, mine are size 10!

Tammy said...

I always dread the coming of winter. While I love the look of snow, I can't handle the feel. I think anyone with circulatory problems, like Reynauds, fears cold weather. It's survival kicking in.
I have SDD or "winter blues" as my mom still refers to it, so that adds another element to it.
I'm sorry you are feeling sad and abandoned. I'm sure the card from your parents are adding to the feelings, and I'm sorry anyone is making you feel that way.
The pictures are beautiful. The winter scene is beautiful, yet feels sad to me too.
The pictures of Cheryl and Linda make me smile. They do look happy.
I hope tomorrow brings better emotions.

Elizabeth McClung said...

They are waiting for me to go to bed so I should say, Penny - they WERE size 10 - both Linda and Cheryl wear size 10. I wear size 12 and sketchers stop at 11. ARG! Apparently so many girls are 10 and 11 size that they might introduce a 12 now and then.

Neil, I was playing both games so it was Linda taking picks of Cheryl and vice versa. sorry you didn't like Kiki - maybe the English version isn't very good (when someone says it was 'interesting' - I find that is code for politely saying, BORING!).

Kathz: You are on my list, you have not a postcard recently and with people away is when we should both be trying to cheer each other up. I think what you say is true, it is just with her phsyically pulling away to go from addressing me as Elizabeth to Dr. McClung makes me sound emotionally a stranger, it was rather odd since I got my Ph.D years ago.

I hope you are able to find someone to go to the fair with.

Kita: Yes, I actually walked and then wheeled past most of my uncles and aunts and none of them have recognized me - or choose not to - the Shunning does that to vision, I hear.

I would really like a nice cup of tea - do you remember to warm up the teapot with hot water (I learned that in Wales) - we should sit down and let the sugar cheer me up for a moment.

Caroline: Cheryl is here and though it pours outside and Linda got soaked we will find our little moments of cheer (probably in sexual innuendo!), I hope you find some too - do you want a dirty joke? I have lots from watching QI (with Stephen Fry, the master of the dirty innuendo, I didn't think custard could be dirty until he started talking about the firmness of it and how it hardens up nicely as you enter in.)

Diane J Standiford said...

That air hockey looks brutal.

Neil said...

Sorry, wrong code, ducks. Kiki's Delivery Service was NOT boring. I'm not sure I loved it so much that I will watch it twice a day for the next 8 months, but it is very good and I did enjoy it. I just got the feeling that it's aimed at a younger audience than me. I'll watch it again when I have the time, and watch the art instead of the story. Right now I should be writing handout for a fingerloop braiding class I'm teaching tomorrow evening. But I went to check the websites I'm using as references, and the 'net wasn't working for me. The first two sites wouldn't load, so I came here to see if your blog would load. And as usual, I got tharmed by the comments.

Tea - what a lovely thought! Hmm, jasmine mint, green, or Rooibos? And you simply MUST warm the pot!

I should have guessed that Cheryl and Linda took the photos. Silly me, assuming you were the only photographer present.

Hmmph again: our wind is currently 54 gusting to 67 km/hr, and WE don't have a wind warning. But our forecasts are very similar: rain and cool temperatures.

May you have a quiet and restful night, dear Beth, maybe with Linda's help?

zen hugs,
hi Cheryl!

thea said...

the h.naoto bag is rather wonderful - very appealing blend of the goth hello kitty thing :) And after all, why NOT enjoy something by just taking it out and looking at it! I love the flair of some of the beautiful stuff you've got.

Anna said...

(This comment has really got nothing to do with this post so feel free not to add it.
Hi, now your blog is starting to affect my saturday discussion topics. Was talking to a friend last night about that they might send me to a hospital in another town for examination, she said YES, that hospital is SO GOD. She has done several procedures due to rheumatism in that hospital and in our city. WHY Does she prefer the small provincial hospital, it shouldn't be better?

Apparently they are, because the doctors can use methods they choose. (In this case the surgeon had been given opportionity to study the methods abroad.) The small hospital has apparently a higher percentage of successful operations than the big one where they use a different method.

Also, my friend always felt well taken care of, little things that should be natural and standard. Like: When the doctor were late, somebody came and explained why. The nurses didn't seem to be in a hurry and were attentive to the patients "do you want a.... can we bring you...." When my friend asked them HOW they had the time to do that, they said that they had been given tools to be effective.

The doctors and nurses listened to the patients. (Time and resoure saving?) My friend has problems with a certain sort of anaestetics, when she explained that at "our city hospital" the doctors didn't give a damm, and it didn't work out. (SUPRISE!) At the other hospital the surgeon said, OK let's try something else. And there were NO problems.

My question is. What is the difference? One hospital has all the medical possibilities, but still get less results medically and "humanely". The other one is smaller, and might not be good at severe condotions. BUT when it comes to a lot of conditions, they excell medically and manages to make the patients feel like noble guest. (I know several people who has been there and no one has been disappointed.)

Why? Bad management? Bad culture? Bad time solutions? Don't know. I don't believe that most doctors, nursers and caregivers are "bad", but one can wonder what makes them do a bad or a good job. I feel sorry for them as well, because I believe everybody wants to make a good job and take care of the people one works for.

rachelcreative said...

There's an unexpected day of sunshine and blue skies today after lots of rain and grey skies.

Here's you talking about girly sketchers and lolita goth hello kitty booty and I am ordering thermal socks. Ah well.

I'm also shopping for knee length socks to (try and) turn into arm warmers - so much cheaper than ordering arm warmers! Maybe I should be searching for some wicked steam punk socks ...

Neil said...

Just looking at the Bromehide card again: maybe the girl is glowing *because* she's been tied up with ribbons?

I hope you're at least sort of happy tonight. Glowing would be good!

Love and Hugs,

Kate J said...

Loved the pics of Cheryl and Linda... obviously an enjoyable session, and I guess you were there enjoying yourself too. Special women friends are important for us "straight" gals too, and I was thrilled to make a new one last week, Teri, a wonderful American woman artist (lived in UK for 2 years or more). We spent a week together and I feel I've known her a lifetime.
And I'm so sorry you are having difficulties with parents... I had some appalling times with both mine over the years (like, when they wouldn't speak to me, put the phone down, or my dad ranting and raving about how he was ashamed of me etc, my mum backing him up, even though I knew she didn't want to). Politics, sexuality, lifestyle... all of it.
I just hope yours come to appreciate their truly amazing daughter.

Nemesis said...


I stumbled on your blog by chance. I'm actually looking for the Hello Kitty shoulderbag (h. naoto version). I was wondering if you could help me, because I've searched the whole day but could only find one site selling it:, but they do not ship outside of Japan. Do you happen to know where I could buy one?

Thanks :)