Thursday, October 16, 2008

I died, a few times, came back, went pervy, went hormonal.

After I wrote about determined to live yet dying, then yesterday announcing I may not quite be dying this month is asking for trouble (as was pointed out to me). Because, Irony leaving no chance behind, woke me this morning by STOPPING my heart. I was having a great dream, where I was a resistance fighter during the Regency Period and sneaking around and turning cannons so they blasted the government instead of the resistance fighters when suddenly I was underwater, and I couldn’t reach the surface. My chest had that implosion/explosion feeling as my lungs were probably knocking against the ribs a little.

Thankfully, Cheryl, my new sibling with mad EMT skills was listening to me breath (or not) on a baby monitor and was already by my side by the time the black little dots receded. My heart continued to stop (not for quite as long) for the 30 minutes while the heart medicine kicked in, beats for 20-30 seconds, then stops for six seconds or more. Fun, if having yourself inverted through a bendy straw through the power and pain of a black hole vortex is what you call “fun”.

My only complain would be, like this picture, once I am up, aren’t you supposed to be IN FRONT of me when you do those heart compressions Cheryl.

She says she “can feel better from here.” Um, well, she’s the professional!

I did not make it out of the house though I did shower and dry hair and got ready and then ran out of steam and had what is known in male circles as “What the hell is going on with my high maintenance girl-friend?” Which means I am on that day before period in which in bitter twist of fate which never ceases after 15 years to frustrate me, Linda gets chocolate gooey donuts and I get mood swings with very, very deep lows. Seems a wee bit unfair, you know, she buys the Cinnamon roll with EXTRA icing as her run up, other women are masturbating like crazy (cause some women it makes horny) and I am crying for 90 minutes today after I was on a high and bought stuff online. Why cry for 90 minutes? because I am a “Bad Person” and when Cheryl tried to comfort me by rubbing my hand, the “good of Cheryl needed to be excised on from the evil of me” so I literally tried to SKIN most of the back of my hand, and half succeeded (would have if she hadn’t taken the scissors away). Yeah, this is the "high maintenance" aspect.

See, this is where guys head for the door. Cause when the hormones are a flying, you don’t want to be around. So I didn’t get a lot accomplished today plus between heart problems and oxygen problems I think I might have set a new record for the number of seizures in a five hour period (I mean MY new personal best – but since I can’t remember the number, it was six or above, it is hard to mark it on my chart!) So you might say today was a day in the brambles. Which is what happens with chronic illness. You get up thinking that today you are going to do all sorts of things (or in my case, “Thank GOD! I can breath again!”) and somehow the day sort of slips away. Plus I was blind for an hour or so. Which diminishes my efficiency a bit. It also makes using Dragonspeak problematic as I don’t know when to say “Scratch that” to have it erase things.

Also the postman, in some sort of cruelty, dropped off two notices of packages, except there were no packages, he CLAIMED he tried to deliver them (except both of us were here all day!). So boo to him, because I like packages (well the ones with stuff in them, not the ones from the Government you sign for which say, “There we proved you know you owe $400 in ambulance charges so now pay up!”). So I have to wait until tomorrow or beyond to get my packages!

Thank you for all the comments the last few days and I very sorry that I am SO slow in responding, I am trying as fast as I can, which is sort of an intro to the little engine that could I suppose. Anyway, I will huff and puff my way to the end of all the comments as I am able because I am very grateful for every comment. Well almost all except the ones that don’t get published as they say, “We like you dead, too bad that didn’t happen” and fun things like that (or were those just the phone messages left by Beacon, or VIHA probably?)

Also because Cheryl is around all day, we have been distracted into Anime world a few times to get all pervy, I mean look at the anime gal pictures and play, “Which one am I?” See like in this picture. On the one hand, many days, when I feel good, I am the girl in black who while having an unusual dress sense which seems to say “Look at my navel and Panties!” she does have a sword, a cool gothic coat and a kick ass attitude. However, there are other days, like today, when I have to be put to bed, literally, as in, helpless, which gives me an aura of innocence (a tired and electrically fried mind does tend to have less lechery about it) so then I am the girl with the white headband with the feathers. Plus I actually do have what Linda and Cheryl call a na├»ve side, in that I keep believing the good (so Linda would say that there is a large aspect of the girl with the feathers in me).

Who was Cheryl? She’s the person who designed the top for the girl with the white headband (much support, I don't think so!) and the tailor for the girl in black! No, I suspect she would be the girl in black, out there doing Park Ranger duties and giving hell to those ‘good ole boys’ who dare throw their empty beer bottles into the pristine of nature in a FEDERAL PARK! I can see her boss saying, much like they do to the Mossad female agent David in NCIS, “There is a killing offence Cheryl, and a non-killing offence, and littering isn’t killing here.”

Cheryl: “It is in MY park.”

Anyway, with that thought, I am off to do postcards and try an early night in hopes that I will have my heart beat through the night, the WHOLE night tonight. So I leave you with this view, which is actually where I was this afternoon, except Cheryl kept BRINGING me back, the whole, “You have to breath!” thing. Actually I don’t! She said she didn’t want to explain to Linda I died while she was taking care of me. So this picture is either that – my little bit of heaven, or what Cheryl’s Park will look like (you notice there isn’t any litter!).

Tomorrow I will be deep and profound, right now I am hormonal, in pain, a wee high on pain meds and ‘getting by’ – chronic condition people know that one, I hope, or is it just me?


Anna said...

Oh dear. Sounds like a rollercoaster day. I sort of hope I get my period soon because I have no other excuse for eating tons of chocolat.

I totally think that Cheryls comment about how she doesn't want to explain to Linda you died during her watch is the best. Really, you cannot die when Cheryl is watching you. (when you finally do die, please do it during Beacon hours so they ge the blame:) wouldn't that be a revenge;))

I am glad Cheryl brought you back.

And I really, really like the picture of the girl in black "1800" dress and red flowers. So beautiful, I always wanted that style but somehow not managed. I'll go for the 1920's in my own look.


yanub said...

From what I can tell, it is more usual than not for women to have worse epilepsy as their periods begin. Sure is true for my daughter, who also has the blind spells sometimes. I guess it was the seizures causing your heart to stop, too, since that is a thing that epilepsy can do. I like that you were having such a vivid dream and recall it so well. Is that normal for you? Because it is normal for Carapace--she has regaled me with her dreams since she was a toddler. I wonder if people with very brilliant imaginations are more prone to seizures.

The mood swings, well, those I can relate to. When I was younger, the entire week before my period began was a weep fest. Anything could set me off, and usually did. Now that I'm in the peri-menopause part of my life, I am mostly free of that particular aspect of my cycle.

I'm so very glad Cheryl was there to keep you going. Thanks, Cheryl!

The rose picture is great, though I feel all scratched up just looking at it. Lovely composition all the same.

SharonMV said...

Oh Beth! So sorry that your day started like that, but glad that you & the day continued. Glad for Cheryl being there with you, her keen hearing & EMT skills!

I was catching up on a couple of blog entries I missed (busy being sick & dealing with insurance company). just sent you an e-mail.

Hope you are feeling better tomorrow.


desdemona said...

Oh, you and your sick sense of humor ;-)
I'm glad you're still hanging on. And that Cheryl, unlike your care agency workers, feels uncomfortable about having to explain to Linda that you didn't quite make it :-P

Neil said...

So this would be sort of an apology for NOT dying? You're forgiven dear, always.

Were I female, I think I'd want to look like the the girl above your two alter-egos: the one in th white and maroon, and long straight hair. The long gloves(?) say she's hiding something - behaviour, maybe? I'd never do anything naughty. Not if someone might draw a nice picture of me instead.

Thank you for keeping Beth alive, Cheryl.

I hope today goes better for the two of you. And believe Cheryl, dear, when she says she's in the right place. She proved it, since you were able to write and complain about where she was.

Love and hugs to both of you, AND to Linda, wherever you are on the Queen's business.


FridaWrites said...

Getting by too. Premenstruation, well men will never get it.

I like the bendy straw/vortex analogy.

Beautiful postcards from you in the mail yesterday--we needed that!

Lene Andersen said...

Not getting a lot accomplished? NOT DYING seems to be quite a lot to accomplish!! I say rest and a lot of it is indicated. Deserved even. Cheryl - thanks for bringing Beth back!

Veralidaine said...

Yikes! No more writing apologies for dying too slowly. That seems to be tempting fate just a bit too much! What a scary thought that your heart stopped. It's a nice park, though, but I hope you won't go for a permanent visit before at least next summer.

You have my full sympathy on the unfair PMS. I get mean and angry and have to tell everyone they really, really don't want to be around me the day before my period.

Abi said...

I love it when I have someone round who shares my taste in things to watch on DVD - I never seem to get round to watching Buffy, for example, until a friend or sister comes round, then we sit there for hours. So much fun, and easier than conversation!

I am also rather pleased that you didn't start the day off by dying conclusively. You know, I think that this video might make you smile (possibly in recognition): How to cope with Death

Not that I mean that she looks like you (you would do it much more prettily, I am sure), but, well, you will see what I mean (assuming my html worked...).

And don't talk to me about periods - just had 2 in a row, despite not being supposed to have any at all.

rachelcreative said...

"Tomorrow I will be deep and profound, right now I am hormonal, in pain, a wee high on pain meds and ‘getting by’ – chronic condition people know that one, I hope, or is it just me? "

Sounds very familiar to me. Perhaps your hormones are more extreme than mine, as is your pain, as is your pain killers. But I am getting by right now too.

Glad you're still with us today!

Now that sounded a bit "congratulations on not dying" or more "congratulations on not staying dead". I wonder if it's possible to not sound clumsy on these occasion? Well not for me it seems!

Lisa Moon said...

Hooray, Cheryl! From how I read this, she was able to pervily cop a feel while rescuing our Beth from the vortex? Or maybe that's my pervy little mind interpreting things like that. Whoops... {blushes} At any rate, I am very relieved at her crackerkjack EMT skills. :)

For what it's worth, I feel super-depressed right before my periods these days, and am I weepy, idealizing suicide at times mess. Sucks. Chocolate does tend to help, I have to say.

I know all about those days when you think you'll be able to do things "like you used to", having a mental or physical list of things to tick off... and then you get ticked off because you spend the day in a little ball whimpering and pleading for the pain to stop or just everything to stop... sorry, I'm not being at all cheerful, am I? Was attempting to empathize as best I can considering our differing conditions. We do share the neuropathy part - a hideous enough form of torture by itself. The seizures I have only watched others go through and can only imagine how painful and draining it must be.

Interesting what yanub pointed out, that women are more prone to seizures with their PMS. As if plain PMS wasn't enough. :( Boo to hormones. (mine have been better since having a course of 'bio-identical - in cream-gel form made from plants which you rub into your skin- hormones to level mine out. They were also able to, uh, restore some orgasmic function, heh. Good stuff!)

Please rest up, Beth, and I will look forward to hearing from you when you're able.

cheryl g said...

Well I am glad I was there and I am glad that we had the monitor.

OK my secret is out - I am a perv... Mmmmm pretty anime girls...

I would only maim someone for littering in my park. I save killing for things like harassing wildlife and cutting down trees.

You are NOT dying on my watch because I do not want to answer to Linda. Besides, it's not time yet.

Tammy said...

I like the picture of the girl in the brambles. I have had days when I've felt like that.
I'm really glad Cheryl was there to revive you.
I hope your hormones smooth out a bit and you find a bit of your normal.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Anna: it was a bit up and down and long too, the emotional ones seem longer.

I suppose I cannot die when anyone is watching me, but rather when I crawled or been propped up somewhere.

I like the girl in Rose too. I'm glad it inspires.

Yanub: Thanks for the info, I didn't know that. No, the autonomic night system was causing my heart to stop, it was several hours after the seizures. Yes, I never have dreams that aren't up in the arctic or back in time or the like.

I hear that the peri-menopause aspect of life causes even more extremes so you must be fortunate in your reaction, or lack thereof.

The scatches are nothing compared to what the same falling back would be if it was called Blackberries. ha.

SharonMv: well it certainly put paid to get eight hours of sleep much less sleeping in. So that wasn't very nice. Thank you for your emails. There were nice, I hope things get set back up regular as you seem to have very poor luck in IVIG coordination. Which stinks.

Desdemona: Yes, I am VERY fortunate that my normal caregivers much less the RN's who are management at these companies were there, or I would have died before they dare touch me, or have sent a request to head office to find out if bringing a client to life makes them liable in any way before being life saving measures.

Neil: I always very conscensious about making a deadline and my subconscious must have been trying to make sure I die in October in order to keep things on track.

I agree that she is hiding something though I don't know what.

That day didn't get better but I guess I will find a day that does.

Fridawrites: sorry things are a bit arg! for you right now, and I am glad the postcards came at the right time. Yeah, not breathing sucks - literally. Ha.

Lene: You know that saying, "I'll rest when I'm dead" well, I don't seem to have that luxury, or that of sleep, I will just keep working. paid or no.

Veralidaine: it is a nice park, though truth be told it was a lot more sort of like being inside a storm and floating and not that bad at all. I can't see doing it for more than a day or two but sometimes floating away seems very desireable indeed.

Yeah, I mean what is frustration is that you know the day always falls in vacations or days when things need to be done.

Abi: yes, it is fun, but not quite as efficient to have someone around who shares tastes with me.

Yes, some people are all like, "Know how much I got done before breakfast." and I'm like, "Yeah@! Well I died, top that!"

TWo in a row, did you take the injection for birth control? I heard it can do that to you.

Lisa Moon: I am sure she was feeling a cop, though these days I am barely a handful - where is that illness breast enlargement when you need it?

Yeah, strangely I can't taste chocolate anymore, just part of the condition, but I can't taste a lot of foods.

Um, this wasn't a "Golly, I can't do what I used to." but more like, "I can't do the 40 minutes of things I wanted to do in the 12 hours while I was up. Most days I make it to about 11:00 am before I have to go to sleep till the next day. I don't have any comparison, I live where I live. Maybe that is because I don't remember much else.

Cheryl: oh I'm sorry, was your being a perv a secret? I thought it was sort of put on the sign to PA - welcome to Town, watch out for Cheryl - actually in PA, you don't even qualify as a perv since you don't terrify woodland creatures.

Yeah, that would stop the poaching of the trees - find a few bodies with chainsaws. Haha, too bad they can't try that in the redwoods.

I don't know, it seems my body wants to go when it wants to go - and I can't seem to argue with a heart very well - I guess that what drugs are for.

Tammy: I like that picture too, even the brambles can be supporting, if somewhat a bit prickily! I am sure things will even out soon enough, well for this month anyway, heh.

Dawn Allenbach said...

No, you're making perfect sense.

I'm with Cheryl -- littering IS a killing offense. Moussad style.

I'm glad you're not dead. Sorry you're sore and spacy and had so many seizures, but glad you're not dead.

If you still have season 3 and after of NCIS, I'll buy them from you. I've decided after recent mixed viewings that Gibbs and Abby should have a baby together.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Dawn: I'm carefully watching the discs of season five and I have it reserved for you so will email you once I finish it and tell you what I got it for (I got it new but for like $30, not list, I never buy LIST price) and then we can figure what devaluation and such. If that is cool. I find getting sets for $20-25 is good as you get a lot of bang for the buck - I think Abby would LOVE to be Gibbs' love toy, but would Gibbs ever let out his kinky side that Abby needs (as she says in this set to a boy scout troop, "Oh, I have a lot more tattoos, they are just......somewhere else."