Sunday, October 26, 2008

Black

Carried from bed. Biologically still alive. About to be carried back.

29 comments:

thea said...

I'm here, listening.

I care about what happens to you.

I hope things get more bearable, easier to take - in some way. Whatever way will work for you.

Anna said...

Well not much to saay about that. Hope the black turn into at least grey or purple.

Anonymous said...

Blogger hates me, it's eating my comments. I'm posting anonymous because I think it's a openID/Livejournal problem :-/

I'm very sad to hear you're not doing better. I hope it's just an "episode" and tomorrow will be better again.
I know this all sounds shallow, but I just don't have words to explain how I feel, what I wish.

Take care
desdemona

Judith said...

thinking of you. Because I read the post before you deleted it I get how upset and distressed you are. Because there were no answers from the doctors and you needed there to be something. So thinking of you and praying for you because that's what I do, my default I suppose.
x

Tammy said...

Just letting you know I'm still here and I care.

Devi said...

Still here, still caring, even if I don't know what else to say.

OneSick said...

Elizabeth,

I don't have much to say or offer to you except some virtual hugs.

I wish I had more than that.

OSM

yanub said...

May you be able to spend your time in bed getting actual refreshing sleep rather than simply be in bed because it is the most convenient place to be laid out in pain and seizures. You are in my thoughts, as you are always.

Neil said...

Thank you for the entry, dear. And you still have the capacity to choose the appropriate image.

I'm still here, hoping for less pain for you, and still loving you and sending positive energy.

Your entire blog - every entry since you started - should be mandatory reading for medical students.

Zen hugs,
Neil

Wheelchair Dancer said...

hang in, blog angry, blog sad, hang in.

love

WCD

Abi said...

I don't have words to say what I want to say to you. I want to send much love your way, and for you to know that I am thinking of you (although without the requirement that you remember who I am).

Please don't give up just because it is impossible to continue, though. That's not like you ;-)

Whatever, I am waiting, and hoping for a much better day tomorrow, especially in terms of how you feel mentally. Whatever happens, I will be here, thinking about you. I am not going anywhere.

FridaWrites said...

I love you...thinking of you.

sly civilian said...

my prayers are with you. just got another post card from you, and as always...it made me smile.

Nancy said...

Just wanted to say that I'm here, and that all three of you are very important to this whole community. Hope things start looking more colorful soon.

Lene Andersen said...

I'm here.

wendryn said...

Sounds like a very bad day. Glad you are still alive.

*HUGS*

kathz said...

Just stopping by to send love.

Amanda said...

We're thinking of you.

xoxo

Raccoon said...

this doesn't sound good.

SharonMV said...

Dear Beth,
I'm sorry that you're so ill & weak. Wish I could do something to help. I'm sorry if I didn't realize how serious your previous blog was. I'm thinking of you today & every day. I love you,

Your friend, Sharon

Lauri said...

I've been lurking a long time, and I feel like I know you...at least a little bit. I'm not sure what to say that will help, but I wanted to express my concern and my wish for you to get to a better place (physically and emotionally) soon.

Elizabeth McClung said...

I am off oxygen and have to go back to bed. I hope in a few hours I can post a longer post. Thank you for your support. Basically my body is shutting down and dying, that is what terminal means; and so is my mind. Sometimes the stresses are too much for it; that can include the heart beating. I have no treatment, there is no treatment. I have some pills to mask some effects, but when the effects are too strongs, then I am helpless. I, Elizabeth McClung, am not in charge of this ride. I didn't plan it. I didn't forget to eat enough vitamins. When the beast wants me, there I am. And yes, I am a little frustrated that Linda has to spend $40,000+ dollars for a few months use of mobility because afterward I will be dead.

The Clinic in Seattle is not a Drive thru - Linda and Cheryl and others are working every day to get hospitals and different specialists and the BC government to release files and funding to enable us to GO to the clinic. Just having money isn't enough without two years of blood results, MRI's, CAT scans, nerve conduction tests and the rest. They CAN do them there, for another day or two and $20,000. Unlike the US, we don't get to keep our files and film, we have to request them (Canada love paperwork). And Linda and Cheryl do that. I will go to Seattle a) As soon as Seattle wants us to come - which is AFTER they have everything THEY requested including additional tests to be done here and b) once I am stable enough to be moved.

I want more life. Right now, I don't just have a loss of quality of life, I will soon not have it, I will be dead. Yes, I want more. If I can't get it, I have to decide, and very soon, how that time left will be spent. Postcards? Linda? Finding some pain medication and watching some films together? Off to sleep again.

Lisa Moon said...

Ohh, I'm so worried my last post sounded shallow, greedy or at least flippant.

It was NOT meant that way at ALL.

I'm so so sad that things are so bad for you. I desperately wish, as do the rest of your readers, that there was something I could do.

Please do tell me if there is!

I can't imagine my days not involving a thought-provoking, funny, angry, sexy, inspiring post by you. And yet, I do hope you're resting and not overtaxing yourself to keep us all updated. And, again, we love you for doing it.

All the hugs and healing energy I could imagine, that I wish for you and send to you.

Most of all, I wish you peace.

Lene Andersen said...

I vote for Linda, pain meds and films. You have given us so much, it's time to think of you first.

Whatever your choice, I'll be here. I'm not leaving.

Laura said...

Beth,
Do what you can when you can. Hugs and love to all my sisters! Sorry things are so hard right now. I am here and I am not leaving. You are always in my prayers. If you need anything that I can do let me know.
Laura

Phyrry said...

Paperwork... that's just, just, terrible and stupid how bureaucracy trumps life and quality thereof.

I too am thinking of you.

-- Theodora

Diane J Standiford said...

Seattle can be a place of miracles.
Diane, from Seattle

Peace to you said...

Many blessings, peace and comfort to you, Beth.And to Linda and Cheryl and all your caring friends, as well.
I want to whisper in your ear that it's Ok to let go. To stop fighting, to give in...to just let go. There is nothing to worry about, people love you, love surrounds you, it's Ok to let go.
May you find peace and comfort in the love of those around you. And the love of all your many internet friends. Bless you Beth.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Thea: I hope things get more bearable too. But looking at the current situation, it appears not. It is grit through it one minute, second at a time.

Anna: Yeah, who knew I would hope for grey.

Desdemonia: I missed one of my neuropathic blockers and the result was not exactly an episode but more a revelation of how bad off I really am - which is pretty bad - the only thing that is keeping me going is drugs, will power and some twine!

Judith: I had two grand mals after that so you have a better memory of that blog than I do - I will take your word for it.

Tammy: I care too, for you and you hands, and winter coming, and all those complexities. And that you will be one day where I am. When 'normal' isn't an option anymore. I worry about that.

Devi: um, still in agonizing pain so um, a miracle would be good now if you have any - I've tried my list of dieties.

One Sick: A realist, I like that. I can't take a real hug anyway, it would make me pass out in pain. I do that a lot, it is annoying.

I wish we had more too.

Yanub: Great wish, didn't work out that one, one effect of seizures is super sensative hearing with me, so yeah, lots of drugs and I am still being a cat petted the wrong direction....for hours.

Neil: Thanks, I think. One favor, no more Zen hugs, since I can't stand the wack to my back with the bamboo anymore - Zen nunneries with meditation aren't big on traditional hugs, are very big on posture, meditation and WHACK to the back!

WCD: thanks, blog on! Yeah. Degeneration sucks!

Abi: I know who you are, the soap making ph.d possible, organ playing hetero girl!

Sometimes the body simply cannot carry the spirit anymore. It doesn't have to be good or bad, it just is. When you pass out over 20 or 30 times, that's not a "depressing day" that's a "your body is completely fucked" day (only I wish I was fucked during some of it!)

Frida: Oddly, I thought of you. Couldn't remember the name of your children, it bothered me. But I remembered you. Postcard should have or will arrive soon.

Sly Civilian: I am glad it made you smile, I wish I knew who you were - becuase you keep getting cards and I'm like, "Who is 'he?'"

Nancy: Cheryl and Linda are burned out and I blame myself entirely. I kept a promise that I did not understand the ramifications of, and when my body gave out, they took over taking care of me, watching out for me and keeping the promise for me. I could have no better friends and they deserve a lot better treatment than they got from me. I'm truely sorry.

Lene: Called, turned out you were.

Wendryn: It was indeed, but I still did postcard for thee - you keep going, understand, because I am watching you!

Kathz: thanks for sending on the postcard and stopping by.

Amanda: um, thanks. I will have to find out which amanda soon.

Raccoon: Not good, not good at all, not stable, not good. Sleep at 5:00 am is NOT good!

SharonMV: I remember and I kind of need you to get working on those leg lifts, ya know! I am working on staying and working on being sane enough though pain and illness and fatigue makes ones a little less sane, bad filters.

Thank you for being there.

Lauri: Thank you for commenting - I hope I have your address to send a postcard - how else can I know you but to bond with you postcard to postcard? Gosh, I am with you on a better place, personally I choose Hawaii! I want to go to Hawaii!