Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Life without Linda and the $5,000 question

Today in grief counseling, I asked the person, one to one, how do people grieve, how do they cope with rapid losses, frustration, anger, and being dehumanized. But most of all what I wanted was hope that I might grieve, to accept the fact that the world moves on without me, and that the part I am sharing, is preparing for me to leave, or for them to leave me and return to the fullness of the world. It has been, though memory wiped often, my bones tell me, a weary time.
She said that many find comfort in the spiritual aspect of their journey, they turn to various beliefs.

I told her that besides the fact that the churches we are within wheeling distance of won’t accept us because we are a lesbian couple (because that is SO important right now, isn’t it!). But that, and here I started crying, “I do not believe in heaven because I do not want to live in a place without Linda.” I paused and continued, “I know that Linda will move on, and grow and become a better person, maybe find someone else. But what I want, is to be HERE, with her, with Cheryl, with my friends (online). I do not want to believe in Heaven.” (I do want her to move on and grow becuase I love her, I want her to grow into the person I see, a sort of super-Linda; and yet, I want to be there to be part of it)

As I said to Linda later, “You are funny, you smart, you are caring, you smile to hide how vulnerable and fragile you can be, you are the person I want to know more about and the person I want to be with. What is the love of Jesus, who is not here? Why would I want to spend time with Jesus when I could be with you?” I am sure that is some sort of heresy that is so terrible the ground will open up but I fell in love, I believed in that love, I fought for that love AS DID Linda. Cheryl has been there for me, other people have been there for me, and as awful as living sometimes is, as much as I scream from the pain of the seizures and the heart problems and heat ones and even when my arms turn totally green (or as the very pedantic woman said it, “Well, you are really only somewhat green, not fully green” – oh, I’m sorry, do you get a lot of GREEN humans in here so that you have to GRADE them according to how green they are?), THIS is where I would rather be.

This is NOT heaven on earth. But this is where I would rather be. Here is another picture from Oga to remind you what I know, that there IS wonder, there IS caring and there are miracles here on earth. And most of the time they take human form.

But there are also the minutes, and hours and days: strings of them, all hard and sometimes lonely, often lonely. But this, life is where I want to be. I like looking at this Pencil Board from Piano, the anime series, which shows that sort of feeling, that there is rain, and there is waiting (so much of a disability/illness life). And I want so much to be with Linda and on a road trip and with Cheryl and everyone but yet things just keep raining down on my life.

I did determine the other day to live forever by sheer will power, which will become somewhat problematic when I have to sleep.

Yesterday, I showed up to find that my person at Triumph is gone, quit on Friday, and this new person has been getting our emails (and I guess that is why she never replied), but didn’t notify me about this change. Very professional. The finalized $5000 Triumph was paying for the wheelchair in invoice form is gone. The new person knows nothing about it. She has a letter of intent from July. My Wheelchair place has the Blue Cross funding but they need the invoice and the letter of confirmed funding from Triumph. They have disappeared with my previous case manager. And while she CAN buy a wheelchair with them, I am not sure what use that would serve her. Also gone is the disc and the incorrect User ID which is stopping the computer that was sent to me it seems 9 months ago from working. Where has that gone? A fun appointment starting over, because remember, I am in “employment crisis” and though it turns out they CAN’T get a computer with dragonspeak to work for me in nine months, I am SURE my employer would patiently wait. I did make an offer to apply for the missing social worker’s job. They said they weren’t advertising it yet. Ah.

Today, we went from my sort of “non” grief counseling to see this somewhat Blue Cross covered (except for the last $1000) oxygen concentrator, which would allow me to leave the house (longer than my 40 minute tanks). The women who, after I told her I did NOT have COPD four times, continued to extol the virtues of this concentrator for people with COPD. It had two significant differences from the one we took to Japan: 1) It is loud, like twice as loud, like over 60 db loud and you have to shout over it loud and 2) it has so many small parts that even the able bodied person selling the machine who had sold many could not with her two good dexterity hands, change the battery. And it requires you open a zipper or two, or three as it is built into a bag, and she didn’t seem to get it needed to be able to be attached in someway (like in my backpack) to my wheelchair.

The other model, while not have quite as much maximum outflow has an easy giant handle to pull out batteries and new ones are simply dropped in by gravity. And it is so quiet that on the Tokyo and other subway and bullet trains, I had it going without anyone hearing it. We used it in the car driving with Cheryl and all talked. Problem is, we have to find a new supplier as the other, slightly older model is…$1400 more than Blue Cross will pay, and we don’t know yet if Blue Cross will transfer the letter for the “oxygen concentrator” to a different concentrator or we start the six to eight week process again. I COULD go insane worrying about these things but that is why there is a "medical team" who does that, I think finding another (my deduction: cheaper) supplier of the concentrator we want is the plan.

Know what I do at times like this> I look at the complexities of males. And if normal males weren’t enough, I look at anime males. Like the Yaoi males, maybe a teen? Dunno. Yes, beautiful and yes, somewhat complex and emotionally challenging BUT does not have a $1400 worry attached. So before we say goodbye to Yaoi for a little while, here is our Uke again, in trouble this time. He has been caught by the Seme (aggressive older male) making money modelling as a ‘sweet goth loli’ girl. Obviously the attempts of the Seme to drag off our pretty boy (who by the way is just way, way, way too perfect for those clothes and makes me glad I am a ‘goth loli’ and ‘goth’ who wears dark clothes and not a ‘sweet goth loli’ as then I would have to admit this guy looks way better in any clothes I buy than I would). Ha! Don’t worry, you can tune in without having to see our Uke and Seme couple for a while.

I also like hetero couples, well ANIME hetero couples like this cute couple Spice and Wolf: this is on a Pencil Board which is what people in Japan put in front or inside the plastic of their binders at school or university (or their job if they want). They are so colorful a lot of people collect them. I don’t know why but fox eared girls are kinda cute.

Linda was very almost late for an important meeting which I can’t tell you about because it would be…TREASON TO THE QUEEN (no seriously, over there you have breach of confidentiality, but Linda is a government manager in a government ruled….by Queen Elizabeth II – at least in name only, she lets the Prime Minster do the heavy lifting). So I can’t tell you as I don’t want those BeefEater guys with the weird lace collars and long pointy things to come and put me in the Tower. So I was let off and was racing home to meet my home care person. And I was going downhill towards this newly finished street, which had been sinking. Well, it turns out that the curb cut LOOKS like, with new cement and all, that you can roll right down it onto the street and up and over, but no. I found this out as I was flying, my legs ripped out from the velcro tie-down, and I was pretty much still in the seated position.

I actually looked back and there was my chair, still at the curb, where I had hit the street in a bad curb cut which such force it stopped the wheelchair dead while I soared onward! Now coming down was kinda OW, but I have to admit there was a whole Road Runner and the Coyote aspect to it, where I am literally sitting there in mid-air, my hands still down trying to touch my wheelchair wheels at my waist as I sail about six to seven feet through the air in a seated position. Tell me that doesn’t make you think of a cartoon!

Anyway, with some local help, they brought the chair into the intersection, I pulled myself back in the chair and made it back home and found…a home care worker I remember I think, from before the big brain go boom and she and I get on well and she is willing to work nights and will bring her laptop (oh my type of person!). So aside from my right side having MORE road rash and my right wrist sprained again (once from the seizures last night), the ending was comical and sort of positive.

Except there is a guy who is driving me nuts on ebay, but that for another day (Says, “I will not sell to McClung” – what did I DO, run over your dog? What did this OTHER McClung do?). I wanted to finish with a few things I bought for $2 (yeah, you know me, I go wild when I spend) over a month ago which just arrived. They are some Hello Kitty as various traditional people during the New Year’s and Spring Festivals and purification. I don’t recognize most of them, one is a sort of Hime (ritual Princess), and it is on water paper, how cool is that. So if you know anything please let me know but still, I do the traditional ancient Japanese Hello Kitty or goth or alternative Hello Kitty, but not the pink fluffy!

I close with some postcards from Chobits, another hit Anime, these are from the creators Clamp, a female only drawing company, who have done many famous series. This book of cards is from 2000 and is out of print, but I found it for not very much, enough to justify buying it, waiting the six weeks to get it so I can send them out as postcards to people. Like I said, only the best for my friends.

It is raining outside. Started, Linda said, just before my seizure this afternoon. Still, when I wheel into the bedroom tonight, Linda will be there. Where else in Heaven and Earth can promise me that?


annA said...

It is probably heresy. But I think it would be hypocrisy not to admit it:) . Lot's of things on my mind when I became a christian. I know that one is suppose wanting to go to heaven, suppose to endure and grow in whatever position one is in. When I read about really sick people who are christian, happy and for example great praying people, I tend to think what if they just want to go out partying instead of being a good christian.

I want to go to heaven, BUT NOT NOW. It can sort of wait a couple of decades. I don't think that many people say "YES WANT TO GO NOW. I rather not be with people I love."

I certainly hope that God will put both you and Linda in heaven, eventually.

Diane J Standiford said...

No where else. Life is wonderful and horrible all at once. I do believe that love is eternal. PS--you need a camcorder on your chair to capture your flights of fancy. You would make a penquin jealous. Oh yes, people are so compassionate---NOT. It ain't easy being green.

Lisa Moon said...

I totally saw you as Wile E Coyote! Ouch!

And what good is "heaven" if we're not welcome there because of who we love?? I can't help but think that it must be pretty darned crowded up there by now! Unless of course everyone's in the *other* place (which must be even fuller!)

With all due respect to the lovely Christians I have known, I'm tired of the intolerance shown by some of that religion's followers. I'm sure you're aware that many other faiths do not fear or despise people for their sexual orientation - and you'll find they offer some very interesting views on what happens to our souls after the body is no more. But I bet you knew that, too.

thea said...

'Heaven is here where Juliet is, and every cat and dog and little mouse, every unworthy thing, live here in heaven and may look upon her... But Romeo may not; he is banished...' (Romeo & Juliet)

I'm glad you have Linda. I'm glad she has you. I don't know what else to say except that the temporal shift in between, whenever that takes place and however long for, yes that bit appears to suck.

I believe in some kind of heaven, whatever it is - don't have much of an understanding about *what* it might be... but I've also seen pain of grieving, and of leaving behind. So I hope it works for you both in SOME way.

I think heaven is for anyone who wants to be there. I think humans on earth get it wrong, very wrong, but divinity is open and endless.

If Linda works for the government, does that mean she protects the deer and moose that are owned by the Queen? (cf: email, Sept 29th) Don't make her do Treason to the Queen though. Gotta watch out for those Beef Eaters.

Those boy pics, Oke, disturb me a little bit. Not a reason to not post them, just a general comment. That's interesting.

Caroline said...

My husband was killed in a road accident over three years ago - we set off for our work and at 11 that morning a police officer came to my office and told me he was dead.period.We were happy as you two are, he was/is my world my soul and my everything. I could bore you for hours with how it felt from my perspective, let alone from that of others who were devestated by his death but this is not the place. I wrote a great ramble here about the whole thing and deleted it - what is happening isnt fair, losing your soul mate from either perspective and in whatever way is never fair. I dont buy the Christian view but I do believe we go on and I feel him strongly around me and i believe we will be together again and that this life is like summer school - we come here for an intensive learning course. If I am wrong and death is the end I figure that I will never know anyway s that is ok isn't it?
Love to you both xx

Perpetual Beginner said...

While I have a lot of issues with my church of choice (Episcopal), their attitude towards gays is not one of them, thank God. The church at large is still having issues, but goodly numbers of individual churches have their heads on straight. To give you an idea of how weird the church is on gender/sexual identity issues, when we were in Iowa, the church one to the east was reprimanded for not allowing women in any authoritative capacity whatsoever (by their Bishop, who doesn't accept women priests as valid, so I can only imagine), while the church one to the west had a partnered lesbian priest as their rector. The bug some churches get in their bonnet about gays and lesbians is just bizarre. Even if you think it's a sin (I don't), what on earth makes it worse than the thousand and two other sins people commit every day?

Beth, when we said we wanted you to fly, we did not mean you should practice launching from your chair without wings. Stop that!

Good luck with the oxygen concentrator and the new person/old paperwork from Triumph - the place with the totally mis leading name.

Neil said...

Must remember: SuperYuriBeth does NOT have the power of flight!

Definitely a road runner/Wile E Coyote moment, but if you got names of people who witnessed the crash, call the City and complain. Or just threaten to sue ifthey don't repair the poor curb cut. I guess that would need a letter, actually...

Uke boy looks waaay too cute. Seme boy is too cute too. Oga is wonderful and the fox girl looks very sweet.

I'm glad you're getting counselling too. But you've told us that you've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not very religious, but I am certain that Linda will catch up to you, dear. And she'll have lots to tell you about what she's done while you were gone.

HOWEVER, you must remember that you will also move on and grow, and you will have lots of news for her, and you'll be able to guide and help her for a while. That's after she catches up to you, of course.

Love and zen hugs,

Veralidaine said...

Owie on the Wiley Coyote moment! Glad you got a caregiver who's not awful for the night-- hopefully it stays that way. The Beacon person skipping out with your wheelchair letter is... ARGH! I am again thankful for Linda and Cheryl as your medical team.

About Heaven: If Heaven is truly heavenly, wouldn't it have to satisfy your wants and needs-- like making a way for you keep an eye on Linda from the other side?

I have thought sometimes about this, too. There is only one person in my life that I consider a spiritual influence, and he says that he believes in reincarnation, and feels that while you one is very content in the afterlife, it mostly serves to make you appreciate this mortal coil for its color and variety, because the bland contentment would get dull after a while. When you get sick of it, you come back and face the trials and turmoils of this world again.

I don't know-- I guess I'll find out when the time comes, but I sort of like that belief. It seems about right.

Perhaps you could be reincarnated as a nice cat to sit in Linda's lap and comfort her. But she would probably make a blog full of posts like, "Why is my new cat shoving its face between my breasts constantly?"

Victor Kellar said...

If you had wings on you, and not the chair, perhaps you would have launched yourself into flight ...

I don't believe in anything spiritual. I feel no sense of loss about that. I'm a pragmatic person. I concentrate on life, because I've seen it change too drastically and I've seen it taken away far too soon

I have been with Collette almost exactly half my life. We have had Miss Hayley for a decade. That is a lot of time invested in the two creatures who I love the most. I have had my family for all my life and those are the other people who I love. Loving anyone is hard, being it a blood connection or a relationship committment, it ain't easy. So I think about that. About how much work I need to do to better express my love those I care about in whatever time we have left.

Life can be taken from us at any time. I concentrate on the here, the now, of making myself better to those I need, and if it was to end in this second ... then I've done all I can do. Waiting and worrying about "after" makes no sense to me. After they may or not be a heaven, there may or not be long illness or a sudden ending .. right now, today, there is my sleepy dog curled up on her bed and my lovely partner coming through the door to smile at me ...

Ain't nothing after, gonna beat that

Victor Kellar said...

PS I wanted to comment on the art in this blog, boy is it ever lovely. And poor Uke. And while I never wore a dress (OK, there was that one time at camp and it was a play and I had longer hair than any female present) I empathise with him. I've felt the aggression of these manly men when I was younger and perhaps Uke is never going to change the being he is mean to be .. I did change. And I would be happy to lend him a hand

Lene Andersen said...

I don't know how you grieve having to leave someone you still want to know more about after 15 years. I just don't know. But I do agree with Diane - love is eternal. It may change forms, but it will still be there. That's my version of heaven. And in my heaven, everyone who loves is welcome.

There's this quote from Richard Bach that's helped me when I've lost people. "Don't be dismayed at goodbyes, a farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends." It's what I think about when I think about you dying. Although, most of the time, I pretend you're not. I would like you here, vaguely green, chartreuse and every shade in between.

cheryl g said...

I know I don't have the answers but I like to believe that your love will endure and you and Linda will remain together some way.

I can picture the Wile E. Coyote crash moment even as I wince. I am thankful you didn't break anything.

Leave the oxy woes to the medical team and concentrate on the lovely world of Oga or pretty anime shrine maidens.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Anna: Well, Yesterday was the day of the dead, or the day of liberation, the death angel, Rosh Hasanah, the return of the messiah. And all that. So I guess that along with counselling makes it on my mind. I have never believed in Hell, so it is hard to believe in Heaven. And people might be like, "Oh the love of Christ will be great" and I think, "Why would I want to cheat on Linda?"

There is that old Song, "Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die." Most of my life, I've only wanted the peace of rest and darkness. Then a few years ago, something changed in my depression and I wanted to live, I started to live and now this comes along, haha, great irony.

Diane: yeah, life is wonderful and horrid, and I was up in pain last night but I am still waiting to see Linda tonight. I do think I need the "speed demon" camcorder when I try to make new speed records going down the hill!

That's what I say to Linda as our code word for "I think I am probably too hot and will soon pass out" - "It's not easy being green." so Linda can act without people running around in a panic. Since I can't FEEL my body or even my temp, or anything, I tend to go in a second or two, so turning green all on my arms is a no-no.

Lisa: Yes, well even what turns out to be painful can be comical in a way. Just usually I go WHAM! But this time my legs broke free so I sailed a long way with my hands still trying to brake the wheels that were not there!

Yes, the whole concept of Heaven is difficult, but with other religions, like Buddism, I can accept that, if you are born, then you die. Okay, makes sense. But the whole Christian, "You die you go someplace good!" - what, like a BBQ or something?

Yes, I believe in God, a higher being, I believe in doing things that are hard becuase they make you a better person, and that is why I say I am a Christian (as in, I admire and try to follow the example of Christ - I tend to have nothing to do with the organized aspect of Christianity).

Thea: Good quote, I guess my feeling is nothing new, and I take comfort in that. That love is important, that love is where heaven resides somehow.

I too have seen the grief and while for someone like my grandfather, who died while humming and in a coma thinking he was outside working doing what he enjoyed, it is easy to not grieve except that he is somewhere else being himself instead of here. But for others, no, most of the reasons I never killed myself in my major depressions was I did not want Linda to ever have to find my body. Now even that is taken away from me. I have to wonder what could be so great as to be worth such grief (though some could say we are so bad at even looking at death we make it worse becuase we eliminate it from our culture).

YES, actually she doesn't have that department but someone does, she is going soon however becuase she is in charge of when you come to Canada, and BC and there is a "Tourist Infomation" building, she is going off to check those in some time soon, flying here and there. So, how they get cleaned, how they are used, she is making sure that Queen Elizabeth II is happy with how visitors to BC are greeted.

Um, sorry, what did you think about the anime bad boy, or the Spice and Wolf? Were they okay. Some people find the big eyes kind of off putting.

Caroline: I would like to hear the "ramble" and the hours as it would not bore me, it is something I would very, very much like to hear. I cannot ask but if you want to, I really want to hear becuase I feel I want to know, need to know what Linda is going through, and what I am too and what someone else went through and anyway, my email is at mpshiel at hotmail.com.

Sometimes, when I think of myself, I will go and then I will know and if there is just darkness and rest, that is okay. But when I think of Linda, I think maybe not okay. I would sacrifice anything for her, and have, and will, again and again. That your loss was so sudden and your relationship so close, it is not fair, a phrase we both find ourselves using becuase there are no other words for something so big that just doesn't add up.

I too believe life is like school, I have to, I believe that being a better person, and NOT cheating or avoiding or stealing your way to luxury but standing up, or speaking up for others, for what is right is important. To challenge the self, to learn what love is. I just don't know why?

Thank you for sharing that personal aspect of yourself.

Perpetual Beginner: I know, people take the whole 'who you love' so seriously - like Linda and I are having lots of sex, I think not, I am ill after all, and the oxygen tubing gets in the way! But seriously, when it gets to the point where "a belief" is more important than the people, the support they need, then my feeling is that the organization is rotten, is void (not saying that for other people, just me, which is why I tend not to join organized religions).

I just hoped the Triumph thing and the Oxygen thing were over and here we start all over again, the giant tilt a whirl! Arg!

Well, I did get to fly!

Neil: Oddly though I do! And when I least expect it, isn't that how superpowers start, you fly 6 feet and then 10, and then you figure out how to use it - now using my titanium wheelchair as a catapault may not have been its ORIGINAL use but it does seem quite adaptive that way!

I will go and take a picture to send with the letter.

Uke boy is cute but gender bendy which after a while I just go, "Yeah" because it seems like 1/2 the plots for the shojo or girls anime these days are female idols who are actually guys, or models who are actually guys and some girl or guy or both fall in love and find out secret, hijinks ensue!

I am sort of glad I am getting counselling but I find often the people who have been there, or seen it or felt it are more in touch than a counsellor who just hears it all but hasn't felt it. There is a nice white space when I stop breathing but I can't say I do great thinking there, just sort of like a warm bed in the morning or something that you are just comfy in.
I think they found out this is made by the brain as it is releasing lots of endorphins or something to jump start your body again.

Can't we grow together?

Veralidaine: I too am thankful I don't have to remember all this as I have enough problems knowing what day it is, and that Linda can say she and the team are going to take it over and that means I go back to the business of being as well as possible by being as good to my body as possible. Which it turns out, flying is good to your body, landing ISN'T!

Oh, that's a great idea, I would love to come back as a cat- only they give cats all those SHOTS - but then I could show my displeasure by vomiting in everyone's shoes (something I am not allowed to do now, due to social nicities, etc!).

Victor: Exactly, need a pack where once I catapault the wings snap out!

I have very similar feelings to you, I think any early death is too soon - I don't think someone dying at 22 is a "Tragedy becuase they had thier whole life..." while someone dying at 42 isn't. I think they are both tragedies and both devestating to the people in and around those people who died.

Thanks, I think about that too, about how I need to show Linda more, find ways to show her I love her more, and make good memories for her, just as she wants to make good memories for me. To spend the time to talk, to lie there in bed and talk about movies or what you did in junior high like it is a camping trip or camp.

I agree, to have Miss Hayley and Collette and be in the now with them, why be somewhere else mentally. But I do tend to worry about the future, about what part of Elizabeth is slipping away, and has already. And the afterward. And the fear, not of death but of being away, forever, never touching Linda again?

As for the PS - you are deliberately tantalizing aren't you - I mean, you had longer hair than ALL the girls? And then....., and then.....?

And I get what you are saying. There are some boys who seem particularly beautiful and I guess would attract people, men who want to protect them, or be around them. And you ended up rather different, so yeah, the question being is Uke happy or not, or just being that way because that is how society or the people around expect. Still, makes me want to know a lot more of "the rest of the story..."

Lene: I have had some deaths but not a great deal of grief and loss but known some people whose children died or committed suicide and it was like some inner part of them had been ripped away, you could see that they were somehow emptier. I don't want that for Linda. I don't want to be that part. And hey, while not a great fan of pain, don't want to GO!

The times I get a half day when I feel almost normal, I too think that this is all a mistake, that I have some sort of mononucleosis or CFS run wild or something. Then there are the times, I can't breath, my heart is exploding and I can speak and I look at linda with the eye that is open and I try to tell her, convey to her, that if this is it, she is my all in all; what I was missing and did not even know.


Farewells are not fun, but at least they are familiar, so I guess I can think of it that way. and finally we get to meet face to face.

Dawn Allenbach said...

I'm not so much a Christian, but I have this feeling Jesus is far more understanding and tolerant of our worldly needs than many give him credit for. To love each other as one of his biggest teachings, yeah?

That story of the curb cut CRACKED ME UP! Wile E. Coyote was exactly how I pictured it, too.

yanub said...

You know I'm not a believer, not in heaven, not in hell, not in an afterlife, not in any sort of god. I don't find the idea of an afterlife comforting since, like you, the life I want is the one I have. The life I have is the one I want to live. To become something else, in some other plane--well, that wouldn't be me. And whoever or whatever else might be there wouldn't be who and what I know. Back when I was a believer, I didn't find the idea of heaven comforting, either, and from the funerals I've been to, no one else really finds it a convincing substitute for the life we have. I agree with you, "THIS is where I would rather be."

That first picture speaks to me. Bandaged up but ready for the fight to go on. Seeing as how I started the day with a subluxed ankle (I was sleeping, ankle! How did you manage this?), it is an apropos image for me today.

Good on you, not committing treason against the Queen. While we all might be able to help you with such necessities as oxygen concentrators and doctor visits, I don't think we'd be much good at busting you out of the Tower. But it would make quite the movie, wouldn't it? An international band of gimps and sympathizers against the well-armed forces of The Law. I imagine it as a cross between Ocean's 11 and Cat Ballou.

yanub said...

Oh, yeah....the curb cut disaster! Now would be a good time to call your local "if it bleeds, it leads" news outfit and offer to stage a dramatic re-enactment (sans actual flying through the air).

Tammy said...

Beautiful post. Sad, yet beautiful.
The pictures are very appropriate today are gorgeous.

I struggle with the ideas of heaven too. I myself would rather find my "heaven" here on earth, with those I love. I would also much prefer those that I love stay right here with me too.

I'm sorry you wrecked, and I'm sure you are sore as hell from it...but MAN, what excellent comic relief for the post!

Shea said...

Well, nothing gets me stirring as much as talk aout God, though you mentioned Jesus. So, I have an answer for you, since you sort of asked a question, though you might not want an answer. If you love Linda and Cheryl, then you love God. Each bit of goodness you see in them is the face of God. For God is love, and the fact that you are not alone proves his existence to you. He has fufilled his promise to you so many times. He has chosen not to leave you alone. You have someone by your side to take care of you in sickness and in health and a friend that many of us could be envious of. Do you know how rare it is to have a friend that has promised to not only help you make your dreams come true but to help you find new dreams when the old ones run out? Still as much as Cherl and Linda love you, there is someone out there that loved you long before they ever knew your name. He's up there cheering for you at every race. He's felt every single ache that has crossed your heart. He feels your struggle and confusion when it comes to him. He never pushes, but in the dark of the night when your heart starts to race and you think I'm NOT READY YET, he's right there beside you holding you until your heart slows back down. I know you don't want to go Elizabeth, I don't want to leave the ones I love either, but you have to know by now, that you will never really be gone. You have more life in you than anyone I have ever known. You live in every person's being that you have touched. I know one thing for certain about God, and that is each and every time I truly sought him, he revealed himself to me. That is when I knew for certain he was real. That is what made it all okay. I have no right to ask you to pray. However, I see you hurting, and I know that there is only one thing that is ever going to make this okay. This is one for him Elizabeth. God Bless you.

Joan K said...

No heresy IMHO. No less than St Francis said that Christ has no body in this world and we have to be him here.

I'm not much of a Christian but I do think that we will have joy and reunion in heaven, whatever that is. Someday the two of you will always be together, small solace that it is now.

Sometimes I wonder whether I or my wife will die first and how we would cope without the other. I don't know.

Jesus hung around with the downtrodden and reviled of his society. He was not kind to the powerful and those certain of their own rightousness. My theory is that his attitude is the same today.

Many Christians believe similarly, and are accepting of LGBT folks; I'm sorry those around you are such asses. If you are a blog reader I can recommend a couple of blogs written by lesbian Episcopal priests who have more positive and affirming attitudes.

Raccoon said...

Chobits -- are they the little robot girls? I think it seen a couple of episodes. A guy found one next to her trash can? He was a student and couldn't afford one, his next-door neighbor have one that's about the size of a doll?

I'm more of a "you keep coming back with every turn of the wheel until it's finally time for you to step off the wheel" kind of guy. That, and some animal totems...

I've spent part of the past 11 years grieving for a loved one: me. I still don't know if it's easier with a gradual decline or the suddenness of an accident. For the person watching, for linda and the rest? The decline probably worse.

I've never been where Linda is. I've never been where you are.

Am I lucky because of that?

Lisa Moon said...

veralidaine: the comment about the cat and the breasts really made me laugh - a lot! Thanks!

Beth: I always come back/to read others' comments - and your individual replies - as you have such an amazing bunch of friends here. I feel lucky to have witnessed how special you all are. :)

Neil said...

If you come back as any animal, it might be a cat, but I think you're more likely to come back as a squirrel. Of course, the squirrels would see you as their leader, and there would be some sort of revolution, Animal Farm-style...

Elizabeth McClung said...

Cheryl: I have followed your tasks and sent myself to the focus of shrine maidens. I want to believe that Linda and I, virgins in so many ways, were soul mates, meant to be bound together forever. I think Linda believes that too. The practical seems to be eroding that a little.

Dawn: I am glad you laughed, I think those of us who have done the SPLATACULAR can totally get it - and I was making such GREAT TIME too!

To love first, to care first, this is what I try to hold myself to, unrecipricated; but for Linda it is what reciprication and work brings, a connection that even when it hurts shows how much love there is.

Yanub: thanks for commenting on the picture, the first one as it is how I feel emotionally though you feel it physically. Getting up is such and effort but what else is there to do?

I too want here, it is not about what I believe or not anymore, I am finally doing something that has meaning, more meaning than when I WAS doing teachings in a church. I believe that I am becoming a better person, and that others are too becuase of this horrid thing. Perhaps that is just what Linda helps me believe in my addled state, but I AM trying to be a better person, not as in, "I will be nicer" but as a transformation, a burning off of the things which are meaningless and leaving those that matter. But Linda is my counterbalance (my balance at all!), I want to be with her.

I will go back and take a picture, but when I have recovered from today - and my new it bleeds (like when your dental hygenist panics!)

Shea: I know that you say everything you say becuase you care about me, you care about God and putting two people you care about so much is a good thing.

I will say that God and I know each other in ways that maybe you are fortunate not to know. God had different names for people, David was 'friend of God' and 'heart of God' but yet, God would not let him do what he wanted most, to honor God with the temple, making a mirror to David that he was a lustful and bloody man. Paul on the road of Damascas, taught by Jesus, had a special name by God when Peter when to stop him, God said, "Leave him alone, for he is my VESSEL OF SUFFERING" Lucky guy, huh.

I believe the bible, entirely. I believe that God waited until the love of Abraham was so full for his child that he would gladly die for his son and God knew it. So instead God asked him to kill his son.

At my previous church I put in my letter as my introduction, "I ONLY know and believe that Jesus loves becuase I know the love of Linda." - they wouldn't print that, it was heresy. But it was true.

God has blessed me with more than he even gave his own son, becuase Jesus was only ripped in nerves and in pain for three days. God LOVES ME. That's what the disciples said when they recieved a beating, that God had done to them what he blessed his Son with (it is in Acts, you can read it). Do you want the LOVE that God gives me?

I pray, I just don't blog about it and I think part of my prayers would surprise you because of how similar to yours they are, and the other half would offend you becuase they are so similar to the people the GOD said GOD loved (he, if that makes you happy, though since God is to be my lover, I prefer she). Have a read of Jeremaih or Jonah, did God love these people more or less? More!

I am a Christian becuase I follow the teachings of Christ, becuase they are completely impossible and lead only to death. I believe in God becuase I have been unable to deny otherwise; and I believe that God is working in me, and I think if any Christian out there is smart they would pray that God NEVER deem them ABLE of the change She wants out of me.

I do what I do because it is right, and right things must be done. I cannot do otherwise. If God had answered my prayers there would not be a single reader of mine that still had a disability; I would have them all instead. I am the Azazel; for this was a created before I was born, for this have I been; was God watching over me as I was sacrificed to those men, my mind literally splintering; I know God was there, I know that God put me there. And I would go back, if 10 or 100 children would not have to suffer sexual abuse. Would you? (oops, a little bit of emotion colored this response; sorry, often people think I don't have a close connection to God; I have a great connection to God, just no one ever really wants to be at the other end of it! At least not all the time, check your bible!)

Joan K: for all that hanging out with birds and berries that St. Francis guy said some pretty good stuff.

Thanks it is okay, I think Jesus actually found other people kinda boring. I think he wanted to go to where people had experience, where it wasn't just a vanilla world - you know. But maybe that is my projection onto Jesus?

I don't really want any church right now as I had the bible memorized by chapter at 11 and have read it many, many, too many times. Enough to know that there are many paradoxes and the bible is just a meta template anyway - and I'd rather not have some dude's tradition of several hundred or thousand years to down as well. I celebrate not the birth of Christ but the life, not the ressurection, but the mortal life and example. Yet, there IS not holiday for that in the litergical year?

Tammy: I want to be here, I don't care how bad it gets, yes, I want to rest, I have wanted to rest most of my life, but in the end. As long as Linda is here, I will be here.

I am glad my flying moment was comic relief.

Raccoon: Excellent Memory - I had forgetten the little one belonged to the neighbor guy, I think there is a mystery becuase she is too advanced a model and there is no history of her being created.

Think it is time to get off the wheel, I think it is definately time for me to get off the wheel! Sorry, I can't tell if that is a joke or not, strange head space tonight.

I don't know, I think the gradual decline at least gives Linda memories of goodbyes, of things we planned and did together, of us sharing that knowledge that this was our last big Traveling adventure. Painful, yes, but with suddenness, the person is left with just the sudden grief. I guess you could ask certain parental figures who sort of just left and last time I asked the said they were "processing it" - I have a feeling they will still be processing it after I am gone. I don't think I would wish either situation on anyone. I would take away Linda's grief if I knew how, but I would NEVER let her take my place. There are some things that Linda is never supposed to be. Pain can make a person into a beast, can turn them into an animal, literally, and this is not Linda; never Linda.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone I am in a really difficult headspace.

thea said...

The things you said about God and about Jesus and prayer... they got to some place in me and I can barely even define what response I'm having except that I identify with some things you're saying and some priorities of what Jesus means, perhaps. Perhaps it helps me understand more about how those things work.

Blessed are those who have seizures and weird autonomic shit and inexplicable traumas, whose family watch the things that happen to them, who are persecuted by governments and stupid departments and merciless administrators, and the ones who love people by making contact and creating community and caring and sending postcards of delight and showing the world that love really does work... even *while* they are being harassed for it? Yep, kingdom of God definitely designed for those ones. Whatever or wherever it's going to happen or be. Whatever form it takes, and definitely with Linda because she is part of it. I see that clearly in the things you write.

Thank you for what you wrote. And what you write, and what you do. I appreciate you being part of the body of Christ here on earth even while your flesh-body does not serve you well at the moment. I celebrate the life and existence of Christ on earth right now with this reminder.

Marla said...

Very powerful stuff. I do believe you will both be in Heaven together. I hate to think of you crying. Hugs.

Thank you so much for the post cards for Maizie. She loves them and is taking them to school with her. Very sweet.