Thursday, August 28, 2008

Linda is not an abuser! And talking about abuse in a non-safe space

Linda is not an abuser! I am not in an abusive relationship! I was in a very fucked up head space yesterday and I have this blog rule that I don’t talk about Linda in anything other than good ways for this very reason; that people can like the voice (me) and thus blame someone else (like…say Linda!). And what happened was very complex and covers decades and I put down about 4 sentences. So here goes....

Okay, I was physically abused in my life for many, many years/decades. I have not been ‘abused’ by Linda. Yesterday was a really horrid day for me, partially because I again tried to reconnect with my parents. This meant talking to my father for a LONG time about things that are so unbearable painful for me but yet to him completely dismissive and forgettable or worse that by asking him to remember things like, my brother sexually using my body for over a year, I was being a BAD person. Plus it was clear that my father was, though living a few blocks away, completely unaware of any of my medication conditions including: my need to convert oxygen (my hands turning purple along with my blue lips while we talked didn’t mean anything to him), my seizures, my partial stroke, my loss of memory, pretty much anything. In fact for my anniversary they gave us an album of pictures of me, there aren’t really any pictures from the last two years (with me in a wheelchair), or me fencing (because though invited to tournaments they never came, not even the ones in town).

But then, my father comes from a family where abuse=love. In fact to this day, the rest of the family gets together to verbally and sometimes otherwise abuse each other. Literally nothing good is said; if you make someone cry, if you say something so hurtful they leave, or vomit or pass out, then that means you win (Seriously, spouse dies of cancer, make fun of the member of the family stupid enough to marry them, and then make fun of the dead spouse). And yet they keep doing it over and over again because that is the only signs of love they understand. My mother's heritage was even worse. So in one way I can understand why my father even when he may not WANT to be like that, still ends up being like that. And how when describing how I was told in very vehement terms by my mother that we were not going to be ‘allowed’ to go out with them because I acted completely inappropriately. It turned out that the ‘inappropriately’ was passing out and falling face down in my food. To my Father this was not even memorable. But when he realized it was in the first 9 months or so when “they were ‘processing’ my disability” (meaning they wanted me to control it better so that I represented them better in public….like not be in a wheelchair for example), he said, “Oh yes, that would make sense then.” No apology or remorse really just a “Oh yes, that is how things are.” I don’t want to go on an on because I do love my parents even though they often and frequently hurt me, the one time they might see me every month or two. This however was a concentrated dose, prolonged and finished with my father leaving me crying because he had an appointment elsewhere, and well, me crying wasn’t really enough for him to stay was it?

So all in all a really bad day. Then we had the blog and some emails which didn’t go that great to be honest. But I am the one publishing the blog and I choose to put stuff out there (like this) based on my assumption that people are basically good and sometimes things happen in a very small space of time and you get turned around inside. And I became to believe what I USED to believe; that I deserved whatever physical, sexual or other abuse would come my way. In fact, I used to believe the only way I could exist was to be abused. I know that is wacky thinking but that’s what getting beaten for 19 years and then being forced to tell the person who beat you that you love them (and beaten again if it doesn't sound sincere enough) kind of does right? That’s what being sexually abused and then getting beaten for not having your bed made perfectly does. That is what happens when your extended family tries to create a restraining order on you, or your own grandmother refuses to look at you because you came 'out'. Being sick or disabled doesn’t make a group like that change their mind, being disabled only proves to them that I was ‘weak’ and not really one of them anyway. That is my extended and close family.

So when Linda late at night misunderstood the previously blog and kept verbally slapping me down because she kept talking about how I was stupid and they didn’t want to hire me because of my stupidity, and I was trying to tell her it was the WHEELCHAIR. But she kept saying, “Let me finish what I am saying,” in that tone a boss uses to the lowest underling before going on about the type of stupidity people see me. Well, that was a bit too much. Plus I had the computer open to yet ANOTHER incredibly painful email sent to me ABOUT me and disabled people. Now, Linda knows I am not stupid, she does not think I am stupid, but we run into people a lot who think am stupid because I am in a wheelchair. She didn’t read the blog, or didn’t remember it perfectly and while the post was about how I don’t even get to be seen at all, don’t get to be a human because all people see is the chair, she thought it was about this “stupid” issue. Of course having my partner going on and on about my stupidity while I am in pain (physical) and at the end of my limit of emotional pain too was the end. Also, when Linda works late, she often comes home and has office speak, so I have to just say to her, “Hey, I am NOT your assistant, so why not try saying that again.” Because spouses don’t say “I want you to get me this, this and this and I want that forwarded to me.” – at least we don’t, but if she works 10 hours as a manager at work, that is exactly what she does.

So, I left the bedroom. I went to the kitchen. To Linda, Beth upset plus Kitchen equals Beth is going to get a knife to cut herself. So when I moved my arm she grabbed it. I don’t think she knew how upset she herself was (for reasons not for here), nor how sick I have become and so she grabbed me hard enough to leave little finger bruise marks. Remember, only a short time ago, I was so strong that I could probably lift Linda up with one arm, my epee arm. So Linda grabbing me with the same strength as then (which may have been the last time I felt like this), had a totally different result. Then as I tried to move forward she body checked me (now that I am smaller and weaker than her, I think again, she is not used to the vast difference in strength), hard enough to wrench my shoulder and bounce me quite a ways. Was Linda “physically abusing” me? No. She had however made an assumption and acted on that assumption before talking or waiting to see if it was correct. It was a late and hard day for both of us. And I had not given her the space to tell what she understood and then corrected her but took it all very personally. So no winners here, just the kind of things that happen when couples who love each other have bad days.

However, her bruising and body checking/slamming me confirmed to me WHO I WAS. That I was a person who got these kinds of hurts, these emotional hurts because I DESERVED IT. This idea/action opens up a door in me. Inside that door is a demon which says, “Only when you have been punished ENOUGH will you then be loved.” Because that is what I had been told and what had been written on my body for a couple decades. So I had a whole day of emotional pain to punish myself with, so I started hitting my face, and my body and my legs, and my face again, and standing up, and then falling down (because I wasn’t on oxygen, and not so good on feet anyway).

Okay, this is a very private thing that people with abuse know about sometimes and those that don’t think is sort of crazy. And this not who I am nor have I done anything like this in years, in fact, I thought all that was gone forever. So I guess there is some counseling in my future. But the thing is that Linda tried to talk to me, tried to keep me safe, would sometimes leave to see if she was the trigger, would do anything EXCEPT grab me again because she knew now THAT WAS a trigger. I was in a particularly altered state. Linda wanted only to hug me and take care of me. I couldn’t let that happen until all my sins had been laid upon my body (meaning that I had been beaten and beaten until I couldn’t do that anymore).

So, again something I didn’t really want to talk about to everyone. Something I don't want to be judged about unless you have lived a life like that, in which case this really doesn't need the whole explaination. But this is the internet and people who care about people are going to have feelings. Okay. I would rather show you the type of screwed up person I am, the reason I call myself “the thing” or “the monster” and believe that I can only cause pain and suffering to those around me, than have anyone believe that Linda did this. I am saying this, not in a “Safe space” but in a public and open arena where people will again probably use it against me, because I love Linda and I would rather people understand the truth, which is complex and kind of ugly, than think she is an abuser. I AM an abuser, I just only abuse one person, myself. I never hit Linda, I didn’t last night.

Are my parents to blame? They were just showing me the kind of love they received. Were THEIR FAMILIES to blame? Or was I to blame because I knew better, I counseled about this and yet, this trigger broke through. Was Linda to blame simply because she was having a bad night? Or were the words to blame, words that every other night would have made me laugh and go, “No, not the stupid, the wheelchair, see, I don’t even get up to the level of being assumed stupid because that would require me to be a human instead of just a wheelchair.” Or was I to blame because on the same day I was getting slammed on the phone, on the internet, on email, I decide to have a long conversation to give my parents another chance (which turned out to be another chance to hurt me beyond comprehension). Or is it just what happened.

Well, once a person IS done beating herself, if they have a system which is not so greatly balanced and ill like mine is, it then becomes a problem getting to sleep because I stop breathing. A problem because my lung won’t inflate and my lips and hands are purple. I problem becuase I have partial seizures. A problem because if we go to the hospital I will be under suicide watch, and a problem because I haven’t taken any pain pills for the whole day, and just because you get the demon back behind the door, it still leaves you a wrecked body to deal with. (Seriously, today, I feel like I've been beaten up.....laugh, laugh)

So there is the squalid tale of yesterday. No, Linda is NOT an abuser. Nor an emotional abuser. We are a couple who are trying VERY, VERY hard to leave the legacy of the things done and the attitudes forced on us, into a new and better ones. We want to be balanced, loving, supportive individuals – we know exactly what we want because we have seen the opposite in many forms. And we work toward that. Why yesterday/last night happened is something we will work together to find out and to stop, particularly to stop falling at times of crisis into old patterns. But if anything, it is about some people who are hurting and vulnerable, which I think could include a lot of people out there reading who are hurting and vulnerable in different ways. Now, this is a partial explanation of last night. If I could please, can ask that you please try to treat it with the respect as if this WAS a safe space instead of the big bad internet.

I want to be a good person, and I want to be honest. To do that and live by my values, today that means I have to share with you something very private and rather horrid about me as a human being. Because I want you to understand that to Linda at these times I am like a cat or dog from the SPCA who has been abused. She wants to take care of me when I am in those states, but sometimes, I am so far back in that abuse mentally, I can’t even really see her. I don’t think there are bad people in this story but one person who is and was hurting and couldn’t control herself and another who is hurting because the person she loves had to beat herself to the point of semi-consciousness. All because she (which is I) couldn’t break the chains, couldn’t believe that there was love, unless there was abuse.


SharonMV said...

Thank you for explaining in more detail what happened last night. I hope I was not judgemental in my comment last night. I know intellectually that the abuse you endured as a child & other abuse in your life have affected you greatly. I knew you were in a bad way, fighting those demons. And I was sad & upset that hurting yourself was the only way you could deal with it. The past hurts combined with the present difficult circumstances (to say the least) is a very potent combination and can overwhelm one.

A bad day, an unintentional hurt, the wrong words. Dennis & I have had some huge fights (verbally, but words can hurt too). But we learn, work on those issues & go on. It's a hard situation for both when one spouse is seriously & chronically ill. And you & Linda have had to deal with so much, so many changes in a relatively short time. Love adapts, goes on. Love is strong. And helps make us stronger.


Abi said...

Thank you for the clarification. To state the obvious, you really are having a crap time at the moment. Oh to be in a position in which you can think, rather than just reacting...

I'm so sorry it's not working out re-connecting with your parents. Parents have a tendency to be annoying in a wide variety of ways, but I imagine it hurts a lot when they are like this. It's all very well knowing that they love you, but it sounds very frustrating not being able to feel the love. You have your new internet family, of course, but that is different. You haven't needed to be loved specifically by them for such a long time.

I hope this post has fewer negative repercussions than the last couple of posts! Thinking of you and Linda, and sending good wishes for the bits I didn't mention, too.

yanub said...

Ah. That makes sense. And that you wrote while you were in that headspace is another gift to us all, and maybe to anyone else who is abused. Because we see how the abuse you suffered affects you in real time, and you are so good at explaining what is in your head at any time. I am in wonder and awe at how much of yourself you give everyday.

Still, I wish so much that there were people to offer you and Linda some support, some release from all the pressure you are both under. You are both wonderful people, and deserve much better treatment than your community is giving you.

Shea said...

Oh Beth, if only there was a way for you to see yourself as others see you, the good others. I guess in some ways, many of us self destruct, myself included. I do not know what toy offer you, except love, understanding, and a friend if you ever need one.

cheryl g said...

I am again in awe at your sheer courage. To put yourself out here on the internet like this, to make yourself vulnerable repeatedly takes a lot of courage.

I will keep trying to help you understand that you are worthy of being loved. That you are not a monster or thing but a beautiful person who has never deserved the abuse. I am determioned to get that demon sealed back in its cell permanently.

I love you both and I am here for whatever I can do to help.

Tom P. said...

You guys are human beings in a very hard situation and you love each other. You are occasionally going to have tough days. But love gets you through it.

FridaWrites said...

You're far more honest about this issue than I ever am. I write through my blog as if I get along perfectly well with my parents, which I don't. While what you experienced was more severe, I do understand about the disablism that comes from your family; my mom said to me this weekend that she wondered if I had the increasing health problems because God wanted me to write more instead of work more. So God's going around disabling people? I've intentionally blocked out a lot because I can't deal with much of it. I understand how the impulse for self injury comes from those years of abuse, because I've been there repeatedly. So with me this is indeed a safe space, not a place where you'll be judged. Honestly, it makes me stop judging myself to know you've been through the same and more.

Lene Andersen said...

When under unreasonable pressure, sometimes, we act unreasonably. What is remarkable about you and Linda is the way you keep coming towards each other instead of running away. That's love. It's humbling to watch and I hope I can learn from your good example.

A friend of mine considers her blog an extension of her home and when people get snippy in the comments, she'll post something lovely asking readers to act as they would were they in her livingroom. It's a good rule to live by.

Joan K said...

I'm sorry for the pain you've suffered and continue to suffer. Speaking as an abuse survivor myself much of what you say resonates with me. The nasty thing about abuse is even though you think you've dealt with it it comes back again.

You are a brave and wonderful person. You deserve to be respected, cherished, and loved.

Wishing you peace...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for explaining, although I am sad to hear of the depth of yours and Linda's pain. I hope that tomorrow brings some peace. AK

Maggie said...

Hi-can I tell you that I love you? I was worried and when I had the chance to check in with Cheryl I found out we were both equally worried because she had not heard from either of you.
I'm glad to know that things are returning to "normal" and I admire your honnesty. While I find I can state my mind, I often can not state my emotions, you are so strong for letting us see all of those feelings.
Again, thank you again for the totally, awesome, cool package that came in the mail. Being sick this week it was a very nice pick me up! You rock and your friendship is often undeserved.

Perpetual Beginner said...

Thank you for your honesty. I would say I know how difficult it is to open your wounds in public like that - except that I never do. I'm not brave enough.

I was hoping it was something like this. I really couldn't imagine Linda as I see her through your eyes, ever hitting you or hurting you intentionally. I do know how hard it is to learn to adjust your strength when working with a person smaller and weaker than you expect. I have to be incredibly careful when teaching karate to kids - and I've been hurt a few times by larger people who didn't know their own strength.

I won't try to tell you there's no horrible monster at your core. I will tell you that you aren't the only one, not by a long shot. And the grace and bravery with which you face your internal monster and never quit trying to grow and love - even yourself - has me in awe.

You are a loving, lovely and loveable person, Beth. I am so terribly sorry that stress, pain, family and idiots are making it so hard to believe that.

Raccoon said...

now, this is something I only understand from an extreme distance.

My siblings believe that our father abused them growing up -- I have no recollection of that, I don't believe it ever happened to me.

I have a friend who was abused while growing up; I know that the only thing I can do for them is to be there when they need me there.

So, I don't have personal experience with abuse. And I'm on the far perifiry (sp) on understanding it.

But I am sorry that you felt the need to take everything out on yourself.

Elizabeth McClung said...

SharonMV: I don't anyone was judgemental it is just I left such little information that I didn't want people to misunderstand what was going on.

For me, I can hurt others, or I can hurt myself, and for reasons very complicated, I will always hurt myself first. If I can find a way to stop those feeling forever, then I won't hurt myself. However as you point out, I do not seem to be living in an optimal world.

Also as you point out, it is hard being a dependant, it is hard being a caregiver and it is easy to misunderstand, it is easy when tired or in pain to verbally lash out. I think that is why they say a relationship is work, becuase it is. We love each other and because we love each other we fight for each other to stay together.

Abi: Excellent point, I was reacting, I was totally reacting, unable to mentally step back from the situation. That's not a good place to be.

I am GLAD I have an internet family becuase if I didn't have someone who cared about me, who gave a damn, well, that would suck BIG TIME.

Actually I don't know if they do love me. And if they do, perhaps being abusive is the way they know how to share that love.

Yanub: I am glad that people's concern helped me write this piece becuase while it was of myself, I wanted people to understand that this is what life is like. We don't spend all our time, like a Hallmark movie with Linda lifting me up and carrying me to the bed and plumping the comforter. Yeah, there are good days, great days, "get through it" days and "Oh how does this suck!" days.

Linda has a counsellor and it turns out there is a program for counselling in the home (VIHA didn't know they ran it - which makes me wonder how long since these counsellors practiced?), for people who are ill.

Shea: thank you very much, I love having friends and I hope I have been one to you (one of the disadvantages of being a goldfish like me is all good deeds are forgotten). I will take this seriously, deal with it seriously and try to make sure it doesn't happen again. I would say, "Know when to walk away" but even our metaphors are ablist!

Cheryl G: Well, I promise to be banal and frothy tomorrow to make up for it. Thanks though for recognizing how difficult it is for me.

What I am is what I am; I don't know if that can be fixed. But I hope people understand that I would do anything for Linda. If Linda did something inappropriate we would talk about it, but I would never, if preventable allow Linda to be abused, even by misunderstanding. Not if there is some act I can do to prevent it.

Tom P: Totally, we just have to learn from this and go on - learn and go on. That is the best we can do, thankfully we have an internet family that supports us, to keep us from being alone.

Fridawrites: Wow, nice harsh comment from Mom, absolving her of the need to care for you becuase God cares enough about you to disable you so who is she to get in God's way, right? Harsh. Thank you for sharing that. I wish I knew the cure for stopping self harm, I am just glad that I don't turn on others. Becuase when the fever is on me, the demon is out, well, I have to act, it is like temporary insanity.

Lene: Thanks, and thanks for the card for us (did you get something? I hope?). Yes, while I know that Linda love me, the Demon only sees that as her form of self abuse, her form of self harming, because anyone who loves me must enjoy pain, because I only bring misery to others simply by being alive. What a cheery view, eh.

Well, considering the things I have done to myself in the living room - please don't - no spontanous sex and no self harming in my living room please!

Joan K: thanks for your words, and yes, I don't want to believe that I am just one build up of one trigger away from it all coming again, I want to believe I am more than what is written upon me. I will die free; that is what is important to me, to be a better person, to be a different person and to die free of that crap.

Maggie: YES, I knew I could convert you if I had enought time! Seriously, yes, thank you I am sorry I made you worry. I was just as others put in recovery mode or in reaction mode. I am glad the package arrived and the amphibians are safe at last! I wish things could be different for many of us, honestly. But thanks for caring, and loving. (see, and you said you don't talk about emotions).

Perpetual Beginner: thanks, but I am not planning on exposing all the warts any time soon, so consider this a one time thing.

No, Linda is not a person who can hold anger or express it in that way, and her need to protect just took over.

I am glad I am not the only one battling demons. I guess this is why I don't need to do World of Warcraft of whatever, becuase I have plenty to fight right here. Except I wouldn't mind epee or a human opponent now and then!

I don't know about the loving and loveable, I mean I have issues, for instance I up, crack my knuckles (actually I don't), but what I mean is, I am human and thus probably whistle through my nose when I sleep or something. And I haven't really had the experience that I am a person to be loved; used perhaps, beaten or beaten down, but loved; not a typical reaction.

Racccoon: Good, I am glad you have distance to this - this is not a club I would want anyone to join. My entire goal in life is to make sure LINDA NEVER KNOWS WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE ME. And being me, I know how important it is to keep those who are innocent safe. Not that I would call you exactly innocent Mr. "Can I help you with your corset" but you are a good, honorable guy who has had to deal with difficult and sometimes degrading situations and learned to rise above them - and I admire that, a lot.

Well, one of the advantages and disadvantages of the progressive neuropathic damage is a) it is easier to bruise and b) it is harder to hit myself and probably has less power (not feeling it is rather hard to know and definately less satisfying to the demon).

Lisa Moon said...

Oh, Beth. I am so sad for your pain on so many levels. I think you are possibly the most courageous person I've never (yet!) met.

As others have said here, your writing is such an amazing gift. Your ability to put into such eloquent words - by turns hilarious, ugly, beautiful and raw - in the face of your body's failings are beyond amazing and inspiring. Your words help me understand more about you and more about myself.

In some way I can understand the exquisite pain of the rejection of the family. A friend told me once that she had heard that neglect (me) was almost worse than the physical abuse (her). This is hard to imagine, but to the f'ed up mind of those who have lived there, this might make some sense. I am sad your family cannot see the incredible woman you are.

Despite and yes, because of, your hellish past - and your brilliance, of course - you are able to reach people in a way few could. Your willingness to share such a painful, personal part of yourself touches so many of us (me included) that recognise those dark, secret parts we all work so hard to hide. You pull back those curtains and shine a light on that bogeyman. In doing so, you help to take away his power, Beth.

I wish you could see each of the faces that read your blog; you'd see that the vast majority of us care so much, even if we've not yet had the privilege of meeting you.

I am glad your Linda is strong like you. I can feel your love for each other in your posts and I know she was trying to protect you from yourself. Please, Beth, when you feel that way, remember how you have made your life into something of true beauty because you give so much joy to others.

You are beautiful in so many ways. Beautiful, Beth. You hear me? Please don't hurt our friend Beth.

SharonMV said...

Dear Beth,
About your parents - it's sad but you may have to accept that you'll never get what you need from them. I know you love them and wish that they would acknowledge how wrong what your brother did was. They should have protected you & loved you then. Later, they should have accepted you for who you are and honored your's & Linda's relationship & marriage. And they should love you now, sick & disabled. They should be proud to go out with you, glad that you can still have time together. They should want to help you & Linda. Again, sadly (for them as well as you), they may be incapable of these feeling & actions. And once the family dynamic (set long ago) comes into play, it's hard to stop it.

I had a hard time trying to get my family to realize that I was sick. I realize that is partly because I was always the strong one and partly because denial was one of the ways my family dealt with problems. Finally, I just limited the time I'd see them. If a sister was coming through town, we'd meet them for dinner. I didn't have to clean the house or entertain them. I'd see them for an hour or two at most - maintaining their image of me as "not sick". It was easier to just let their denial continue. And as you can imagine, dealing with Dennis' family was also difficult. Things have changed now, & they do have some awareness (and I was officially diagnosed with 2 serious diseases). But of course they have no understanding of what it's really like - daily life for me.

My father had passed away before I became chronically ill. I never got the approval that I longed for from him. Occasionally an expresion of love. But no real sense of me as a person. As a person with intellect, the first (and only for some time) of his children to go to college. When I'd see him after I started grad school 7 was working on my MA, he's say something like "what's that thing you're studying?". Then once, some years after he had died, I got a letter from my Grandpa (my father's father). He wanted to give me some family papers related to the history of our family.(His ancestor came to California in the 1780s as part of an early expedition from Mexico & settled in Santa Barbara). He was very proud that I was getting my doctorate & had wanted to come to my graduation (Ididn't have the heart to tell him that I'd taken a leave because of illness). And then he wrote " i am proud of you. You are a very good girl". I burst into tears. Here from my Grandpa, in that simple statement was the approval my father could never give me. He never went to college. He made a living & raised his family. Not easy for a Latino man in those days. It really made me wish that I could have finished my degree & had him come to my graduation.


rachelcreative said...

Hi Beth. I had kind of filled in a few of the gaps when I read the previous blog post based on things you have said before and based on my own experience of needing to be treated badly to be who I believed I was (a bad person) combined with self destructive behaviour.

I'm not trying to be smart - just to say that it is possible for some people out here to understand that a post like that is coming from an altered bad state.

Seems to me your parents are not going to give you the relationship or the closure that you need. I think you have to find another way to get to where you need to be (like at peace with it all) without them participating. But I also realise that it's easier to say this and much harder in reality to not try when you feel the urge to do so and reasoning is not high on the list of things which are important. Especially not when you have brain damage and can't remember these rational plans and reasonings.

You asked a long time ago for a family of your own who would love you and support you. Through this blog you had many people ask to be your siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins. You asked because you had knew your blood family weren't giving you what you need.

Know that your friends and your adopted family here through your blog are sending you love and support. And maybe because you wrote about the bad things they might be feeling (have felt) a bit protective or anxious about you.

Those people who attack, who twist the things you share back on you to hurt you ... I feel sorry for them.

It makes me appreciate the beautiful precious people - like you - even more.

Kelli said...

As someone who often struggles to share the private parts of herself in places that are safe spaces, I am in awe of the courage it must take to be so honest, in this post and others, in a public space. You and Linda are in my thoughts.

Anna said...

It did sound kind of weird that Linda would have done that.

I still think that abuse is never OK done by oneself or anybody else. I don't judge it I just think it should be dealt with. I am sorry and hope that you have bounced back from the demons. Do you have any councellor to talk to?

Relatives can be truly fucked up! I am sorry for your parents that they can't accept or take in what is happening to you it's their loss! They should be prowd having a daughter like you!

I know about demons, but I will never ever accept them.

I am praying for you and Linda, again this doesn't mean so long and good bye you heathens, it means: well since we are all more or less fucked up humans in a fucked up world, what to do more than love and pray.

As for Mr Anonymous, well......if he wants to debate he can go somewere else, if he wants to care about people he can stay.

I wouldn't waste my time disagreeing with people I don't know or circumstances I couldn't change. That would just not be worth it.

I might not agree with everything on this blog, I'll just know that sometimes it is better to accept that we humans have different views, attitudes and ways to deal with life.


Neil said...

It sounds like you're in a better place today, emotionally. Therefore, dear Beth, hear my judgement:

You do NOT deserve treatment like that from your family. You were punished enough - no, more than enough - the very first time you were abused as a child. You deserve release from all the bad memories and triggers. You are far more deserving of love than you can ever admit. And that's my judgement of Elizabeth Wonderful McClung.

If abuse is the only way your family can show love, then you and Linda should leave Victoria, get away from your family. I know we're supposed to love our families, but when they've done what your families have done to you, they are not worthy of love.

And by ignoring your illness and refusing to acknowledge Linda, your parents are abusing her. Tell them, if you allow yourself to see them again, that she's not a fairy tale; she is a real, loving, wonderful woman. And remind them every time you see them that you are MARRIED to that loving woman. Offer to pray that they will one day understand your love. The nrun ver their feet if they don't leave.

Thank you for being honest. I didn't think Linda was abusing you; I didn't know what to think about the last couple of entries.

I'm honoured to be part of your Internet family. Maybe you should adopt all of us, and divorce yourself from your parents. Hey, even the ones of us WITH names are disdunctional enough to keep you busy. :)

"For me, I can hurt others, or I can hurt myself, and for reasons very complicated, I will always hurt myself first." That sounds like to me like "Love your neighbour as you would have yourself loved," but expressed backwards.

I'm envious of Cheryl g's brevity and eloquence.

And I'm quite willing to act as I would in your living room. No spontaneous sex there for me; and none here - the kids might walk in at an inappropriate moment, darn it. I'd NEVER assume you did anything inappropriate in your living room. But I'll be happy to help you with your corset. :)

Manymany zen hugs,

FridaWrites said...

SharonMV, I hope you read back in comments to see this. I'm sorry your dreams were cut short by your illnesses, I'm at that crossroads too. I was telling Elizabeth yesterday how I have one of her postcards in the journal I use everyday because it makes me happy to see it--on the back of it is a pressed purple flower on pink homemade paper that you made. I really enjoy looking at it--it makes me feel better--you're still bringing a lot to others. Almost finishing a PhD is far more than most are able to do, and 50% drop out of doctoral programs for reasons having nothing to do with health. Sorry that you've not had support from family. I've also learned to keep it brief with some family and friends. They don't see the extent of the pain and thus don't get it. Some of them think if they praise me for doing so well, I'll think more positively and magically improve.

Gaina said...

Thank you for clarifying that. I went to bed very concerned for you last night ((HUG)).

Kita said...

Beth, I just want you to know that I agree with what everyone else has said.

Lots of love and hugs

Judith said...

It is hard to read about your yesterday and know what to say but I am thinking about you and all you have to cope with right now. I hope you and Linda are ok today.

Roslyn said...

I'm rubbish at putting my thoughts into writing without plenty of thinking before hand - and drafts - to make sure it comes out right.

In my last post I should have mentioned that the idea of Linda being abusive didn't sit right - didn't make sense, from what I knew - but I was confused by your post and went with what it appeared to be saying.

Dammit, they always say you should go with your first instinct, and I always forget until afterwards. I'm so sorry that I forgot again this time.

Again, this is way out of my league, but I think you're incredibly brave for describing the abuse and your family. There are plenty of things I still cover up for and defend, and they're not even remotely as severe.

Hell, I'm even covering up now by not mentioning any of it >_<

Anyway, I feel pretty silly for misunderstanding the last time - and on my first comment, too - so I'm going to toddle off before I do anything else.

SharonMV said...

Thank you for your kind words. Elizabeth has told me that my flowers have gone out to some special people & to several continents. It really helps to hear the one is still a part of the world & have contact with other people. I'm glad it makes you happy. I keep one of my postcards from Beth nearby my spot on the bed, so I can see it every day & have it close to me even on my sickliest days.

I did manage to pass my doctoral exams even after I became ill. I was able to continue, albeit at a limited level for a time. My degree is in classics, so that meant 5 three hour written exams, 2 translation and 3 essay. And I also had an oral exam with 4 Classics professors & one Literature professor. It was all kind of surreal, seems like a dream to me. But I did well - guess I was operating on automatic.