the blue arm, black hand, a crib, going stupid and some BAD news.

According to Linda I spent part of last night yelling at her to “stop the skeletons from crawling on the drapes!” among other choice hallucinations. Also her email to me this morning was addressed to the “the human furnace”; I was packed in ice for part of night, at least the head and torso.

The one good thing about the morning after boxing is that I can’t feel a THING, I mean, I am still in pain but I can use the walker and stand and not immediately fall over. This lasts for several hours. And my fingers and tips are pink. The downside is the two days following have the “kicked by horses” feeling. Still I decided to sort my ENTIRE manga collection (from four rooms into one) to know what I have, what sets I need to finish reading all in preps for selling. But of course I needed to reorganize my bookcase first to make room of another extra two shelves, also transport three boxes of Manga into the study and then sort them and after that place them on the top shelves. I am sure I only stood and sat even with assistance between 50 and 100 times and lifted 200 books about four or five times each. But hey, I didn’t feel anything, so it can’t be bad for me, right?

Do you feel a big bag of STUPID pain on the horizon?

Suddenly, and I mean literally in one to two secons, I was so sick that I would have been happy to feel GOOD enough to lie on the floor while I projectile vomited. I know that because I reached that state after 10-15 minutes of just sitting perfectly still and breathing. At which point I tried to move my lunch tray. The “Oh my God what organ just died in me?” feeling returned. I called Linda just to let her know as a) I couldn’t reach my oxygen and b) I couldn’t reach my life-line bracelet I left in the bathroom (I know, yell at me about that too!).

She decided to come home. I told her that wasn’t needed. She overruled me. I am glad because as I sat there, I got the very creepy experience of watching my entire right arm turn purple and then blue. All the way to my shoulder, I had blue fingers, I had a blue forearm, I had a blue bicep (actually having funky 'dead smurf' fingers is sort of normal by now (thanks Cheryl for that phrase) but a BLUE bicep, I kept staring at it and making my forearm move to twich the bicep and make sure I wasn't hallucinating again. Nope still blue - repeat every five seconds. There is just something WRONG with a blue bicep).

I was just sitting as still as possible and going, “Help!”, “Help!” every now and then (no one came). I mean when you see your limb go from pink to BLUE in a few minutes, that is high on the freak factor. Luckily the left arm was still sort of normal. Except when the right arm finished on blue, the LEFT fingertips started to purple and spread down. Then I could watch it change too. Turning purple and mottled and then spreading up the arm.

Linda arrived while I was still going, “Help!”

“I need the oxygen!” I said, still unable to move. She brought it and put it on and we watched as my left arm went sort of purple. I showed her the blue bicep. Then my fingers started turning black. First at the tips and joints where the veins show through, but then three fingers turned black on the left hand while the entire right hand looked grey (not a good shade either). Linda said it looked like I had been playing with my hand digging around in the ash pile.

I looked at Linda and said, with my black fingers and grey hand, “I MAY have overdone things this morning.”

But that wasn't the first bad news; it just my day overall. I had been talking to Linda about how I was sure that I had applied for my federal disability benefit what seemed like a LONG time go (2002? Feb.? One of the two). And shouldn’t I have it now? She was looking at work for the number today to call and ask and found….the application for the federal disability pension. She didn't post it. She called them and they told her to send it as it takes six to eight months to process.

I know that I was looking for incentives for keeping myself alive but this wasn’t what I meant. Hey it is just one of the things that happen. One day I think I am a day or two away from getting my OWN money FINALLY! But now, two days after I officially have given up on job hunting, and will look to take the pension; it turns out I only need wait six to eight months.

But Linda didn’t do it on purpose, and I’m not mad at her, it isn't like I haven't forgotten things (like her name). I just wonder why it is that the breaks never COME this way.

The sort of Good News is that the Hospital Bed which was ordered in the Fall of 2007 has now arrived. They set it up today. Here it is.

The first thought I had when I rolled into the room was that it looked like a big crib. The whole circle of life, welcome back to a bed to keep you safe and alive, only now I am not 3-6 months old, just moving toward that level of helplessness (hey, I can still crawl! For now!). It means once the special table comes I can take the laptop and work from bed and then sleeping doesn’t have to be a big heart racing thing of transfers and all that but just pushing the table away. It also can be hooked up with IV and monitors and a lift and all that stuff too.

I haven’t been out of the house by myself this week except one short and stressed trip. I wonder when I will be able to leave the house alone again? I had to sleep in the study this afternoon because the sun, at 24 degrees C. had heated up the rest of the house (with one air conditioner) to the piont I would go into heat exhaustion, particularly as I had SPLATACULARLY used up ALL my reserves (the manga, remember!). The dedicated air conditioner in the study would keep me cool while I slept. I feel like a fugitive; changing up rooms, the curtains drawn, peeking out into a world that seems after me. My greatest enemy: the SUN! Being a vampire isn’t as fun as it is presented; I do have a weird gravelly voice at times due to thyroid but don’t seem to gain advantage of drinking blood (true, I tend to drink my own after nose bleeds), nor can bend others to my will.

Linda bought a third air conditioner for our TWO bedroom apartment today.

So I am nauseous and shaky BUT I did get all the manga sorted and now I simply MUST, for economic need, read the manga so I can sell it. That’s the line I’m giving to Linda and I’m sticking with it! But I am going to be sick for a few days.

I really hope I didn’t blow our whole weekend just for a couple shelves of manga, and putting the books in order to find which numbers I am missing.

Well, now you know my plans for the weekend (pain pills, manga, nausea, and if the sun ever lets me, I might be able to get outside): what are yours?

I will try to do something deep and insightful tomorrow, today I am just holding on – will try out my new crib….I mean bed tonight.

Oh yeah, looks like I will be at least starting phone consults with a Seattle doctor, get my GP with them and see if we can get some meetings and quality of life treatments set up. Of course, since I have such a bad case (no not Conversion Disorder) but of the STUPIDS, I am not sure if not being in constant pain/weakness is a state I can handle. It happens so infrequently, that when I feel almost normal I immediately jump in with all limbs to try and catch up on more than a year of projects I am behind on. Tell me I am not the only one to do this? So how do you live with feeling better? What is the secret? Becuase if it ever happens, right now, I only know how to turn feeling good into a very productive fast-track to feeling REALLY bad.

Oh, and there is a consensus from my caregivers. I asked if they had seen any changes. They all agree, emphatically, clear and distinct changes. I said, “For the better!?” I get that creepy long look in the eyes before they make the slow shake of the head. Oh. I'm going to stop asking them questions.