Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Pain day: Beth has a baby, and learns to breath through the contractions

I have next to nothing to post today because I am so distracted by the overwhelming pain. My God! The pain last night was one of those fever nights you pray never happens again. And this morning, my plans of sleeping in to rest were broken because I kept waking up every 10-15 minutes with more and more pain until I gave up and got up.

Finally, half an hour later, I figured it out. I took my pain pill 30 minutes early, which lasts for 4 hours and then re-upped it so at 7 and a half hours of sleep I was back in full pain. Should have just taken another pill but then extreme pain not the best time for doing higher math like....addition and subtraction. I do remember waking in the night and begging for a pain pill only to be told I had been given them 50 minutes earlier. And going, “Is there ANYTHING ELSE I can have?” Which yes, sounds either like a junkie who is jonesing for a fix or someone in pain pretty desperate (or both?).

Of course, I can hardly spend such a great deal of time yesterday talking about how STUPID I was and how DANGEROUS it was and how I PUSHED LIMITS and how I was in intense pain but I CHOSE it and then expect people to be all teary eyed today. So I guess I will get a bunch of, “I told you so!” comments, or “Well this should teach you.” Which won’t, just will teach me that the world is full of hard callused people. (BLAH! So there!)

I mean women who chose pregnancy are knowing they will pay the price but they get LOTS of sympathy for the horrific number of hours of labor they go through (pick a number, and some woman within earshot has done it. Seriously, I had a friend who was pregnant and we couldn’t sit in a coffee shop without getting stories of breach births after 36 hours of labor, or how after 17 hours of labor and so much bleeding the woman needed transfusion to keep from dying, etc….and then the stories all finish with, “You look so rosy!” or “Aren’t you lucky!” Even though you see the evil gleam of a horrid story coming with the, “This is your first isn’t it?”).

Actually that is a good analogy because often women who become pregnant get to that state by ACCIDENT. No planning whatsoever! At least I had a plan.

Someone (Lene!) just called me and when I told her I couldn’t talk because I was in too much pain she was all, (in a sarcastic voice), “Oh poor baby, how could that have happened?” See, exactly what I was talking about. Like NO ONE who reads here has ever done the "Oh, I'm sure it won't hurt THAT bad tomorrow" along with "I'll only be out a short time, I'm sure I won't need the suntan lotion!" (You wait, I'll be gloating from my air conditioned bubble life)

Anyway, I am just saying that my pain got so bad and incapacitated me to the point that when my care worker came I was actually screaming.

See, my postcard project had gotten muddled and I needed to sort the papers into a pile for stickers, a pile for postcards sorted, those unsorted and my mail received so that I could reply to it. However, stretching my arm or even leaning over, or just typing got me to the point where I suddenly screamed from the sharp intense pain which was a mix between someone ripping out part of my spine and someone stabbing it over and over.

My care worker turned my chair around and stopped me from working on the floor. So I was like, “Well, if I sort papers up here it won’t AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” She was all pushing my head back and saying in that older sister way: “No! Just SIT THERE.”

THEN I start getting a lecture that she is noticing that I am not “breathing through the pain.” And how that helps and I am not helping myself by not breathing. Apparently I missed the Lamaze Class for disability. I said that it is hard when you have the pain of someone stabbing you with an ice pick in your spinal column it kind of is "AUUUHHHHH" and freezing instead of knowing to “breath through it.”

She said it helps, in this very definative way. Which is also what Linda says, "Breath through it, just breathe through it." Did they get the class and I didn't? Anyway, I had run out of pain pills and she went to the kitchen to get one. I was sitting still when another couple stabs hit and I screamed and as she came in the room I screamed again but then did little puffs of air, with a sort of grimace and a look right at her which said, “Oh yes this is SO much better now that I am breathing.”

She had to put the pill in my mouth and she told me while I tried not to scream as it started to kick in that I was her only client who actually was in so much pain they screamed.

I said that seemed strange and asked her why she thought that was. And she said, her other clients didn’t go off in racing chairs by themselves for over an hour but did ‘disability things’ like watching TV, or looking at plants. Fine. I tend to think that going off and doing stupid things which often end up in pain to demonstrate you are still as able to make as impetuous decision as when able bodied IS a disability thing.

So I got the labour and the breathing of pregnancy, only thankfully no actual baby emerged from my spinal column (cause that’s just creepy) - well just my 'pain baby'. I also have now one MORE person who is physically stopping me from doing things. Just because I have this habit of doing something, screaming from pain, waiting a few seconds, noticing the pain hasn’t been there for at least 10 seconds and then try to continue what I was doing…and scream from pain (continue the cycle over and over until I pass out). So that list is now Linda, Cheryl, Maggie (who will even sit atop me to stop me from moving), and now my day time care giver.

After she left I did some computer work and then started feeling bad, really really bad. Much like when I used to push myself really hard and got very, very nauseous and kind of “out there”. I kept taking my BP becuase I thought I was having a stroke maybe, because I was dropping everything, including the phone where Linda was saying, "Go to bed right now, do not pass GO, do not collect $200!" Plus I couldn't focus my eyes.

So I went and lay down. But I was still so awful feeling that I had to lie there for an hour in order to get WELL enough so that I could sleep. That’s how crappy I was.

And the thing is that I did NOTHING to deserve this (stop laughing!). I know there was yesterday (I expected SOME pain, not the entire boatload!) and yes, after I got up so early I did get dressed and decide to go wheeling in my day chair on the premise that “After SO MUCH pain, no matter how much I wheel now, it can’t feel any worse!” Which seemed really good logic at the time. I went down into the village and got some movies, of which I have watched….zero. Why? Because I feel so crap. But now I will try because I got up from my nap and Linda had just arrived home. Admittedly, it turns out that wheeling lots the day after doing something which makes wheeling pain doesn’t just get lumped into the previous general pain, it might produce even more.

So, I am like a human public service warning for people in wheelchairs. Don’t be like Beth! Wheel smart! So you won’t have to lie for an hour feeling like you are going to puke, staring at the wall, only to finally feel good enough to go to sleep but your neighbors have now come home and are having sex on the opposite side of that wall.

When I am feeling crappy and desperately want to sleep, I do NOT want to hear sex. In fact, I will go so far as to say I HATE sex at some points (that being one of them). I wanted to bang on the wall and yell, “Cripple here needing sleep, go have a cold shower” but that would have meant getting out of the bed, so I was helpless before this auditory onslaught of squeaks, laughter and the patter of people running around the room (?????).

So that was my day, pretty much wanting to say “Hey, enough pain already, I feel in control of my life so lets tone down the pain a little?” The BAD news is that it isn’t the day after I exercise when I really crash, it is the second day. Today was just “pain day” while tomorrow is “rag doll, siezure and weird funky ‘can she stay alive’ day” Oh Joy!

Please at least TRY to sound sympathetic.

38 comments:

cheryl g said...

"Beth has a baby"... Now that headline's definitely an attention grabber. I have tried breathing through the pain and I can't say that I ever noticed it helping. If it works for you or any of the other readers then great - just saying that's never worked for me.

I am sorry you are hurting so much. Please be kind to yourself and let you have some recovery time (more than 10 seconds).

FridaWrites said...

As an overextender myself (doing more than I "should" and not being able to do anything later), I definitely can't blame you for going out, though I wish it weren't at such cost to you.

The pattering around the room thing made me laugh. Pattering seems unnecessary to the experience.

Raccoon said...

I used to live in an apartment complex where, directly above our living room, there would be a constant squeak. Off and on for six months, squeak squeak squeak. Very rhythmically. I found out two weeks before I moved to another city that it was a family upstairs. With an infant. And one of those automatic rocking machines that you put the child in and it's swings the child back and forth...

Beth, I wanted to let you know that I've been trying to keep up with my readings here in even though I haven't been commenting. I got back to California on Friday, spent three days recovering after a bout of autonomic dysreflexia (I still don't think I was in as much pain as you), and have been very concerned about a 17 -year-old cat that seems to gotten sick while I was away and that the vets think might have cancer...

But, I have been reading. Congratulations on the trip; isn't it supposed to be to a doctor's office in USA? Race training... and to think that my staff just wouldn't let me wander around Seoul by myself...

You have to stay well -- I have something for you! Oh, and Neil! I have pictures of the oldest Buddhist temple! Get in touch with me so I can get you copies! And yes, Beth, I lit a candle for you (well, had someone else light a candle... You know what I mean) there.

SharonMV said...

Sorry about the pain Beth. I hope tomorrow's better & that you don't have twins. I'll say it, even though I know you probably won't listen - stay in tomorrow, get some rest, watch the DVDs. Be still. It can be done.

Sharon

lilwatchergirl said...

"And she said, her other clients didn’t go off in racing chairs by themselves for over an hour but did ‘disability things’ like watching TV, or looking at plants. Fine. I tend to think that going off and doing stupid things which often end up in pain to demonstrate you are still as able to make as impetuous decision as when able bodied IS a disability thing."

"So, I am like a human public service warning for people in wheelchairs. Don’t be like Beth! Wheel smart!"


See the inconsistency of these two comments. I would rather do as you do than do as you say. :P *Go* stupid crips with plans and adventures, *go*! Ahem.

Neil said...

Oh Beth, I wish we could wish away your pain. At least to a tolerable level. You don't deserve the torment.

But the thought of you having a baby through your spine? Careful there, or your biographical movie will be combined with a new Alien movie. You'd be played by Iman, of course. Don't know offhand who'd play that child bride of yours, though.

Screw breathing: having endured several pinched nerves, I'd be happy just to LIVE through the pain. Can't imagine what you're experiencing. Or if I can, mine only lasted a second or two. How the hell do you manage to write so eloquently, and make us laugh, when you're screaming in pain? Well, you're Beth Fucking McClung, that's how...

I love you, and wish you a good night - or as good as possible.
Neil

yanub said...

Well, was it worth it? You must think so, because you will try to do it again. Truly, you have more athletic spirit than anyone I have ever known.

Any chance you have a stereo with remote control? Any chance you can get your hands on some mood killer music? Just imagine how the scene on the other side of the wall will change as they begin to hear Pat Boone sing gospel hits. Or maybe some stylings by TV personalities. I'm thinking Nimoy's "Bilbo Baggins." Or maybe some Hasselhoff.

desdemona said...

Well, screaming's not so bad, but don't clench while screaming, that's what they're trying to say. It's so hard not to clench up, but seriously, it makes the pain a lot more tolerable. I was going the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(breathe)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa during contractions ;-)
I have two kids by the way and no, at least in germany, you don't get a lot of "aw, lucky you". you get a lot of "you can't be this sick." and "if you ignored the feeling sick it woul go away" and also "I'd be throwing up, too if I had been laying in bed for two weeks" yes, sure, because I like vomiting every 30 minutes even though I'm not eating or drinking. Makes total sense. And no, I won't go outside to vomit over my neighbours hedge, getting to the bathroom without using the bucket on the way is impossible and that's just 15 meters away!

Lisa Harney said...

Ouch ouch ouch.

I wish I could send you some extra spoons. :( I hope you're feeling better by the time you get to approving this comment.

Kita said...

Hi Beth - sorry for not being about so much, I just got out of hospital. Long story which doesn't matter.
I read yesterday's post and when it came to you naming the BIG pain meds (Tramadol) I was.... well, shocked. I take 400mg of the stuff a day, it doesn't work, but hey. Leads me to ask, if it isn't too cheeky a question - but what do they have you on? Asprin?

Anyway, y/day I wanted to slap and hug you at the same time. Slap you for taking the RISK!! and of course hug you cause you bloody well showed 'em. You did it.

Today please accept lots of gentle hugs. Yesterday, you showed 'em. Today, you rest. Good on ya, could you loan me some of your spirit? lol

Gaina said...

How good are you at visualisation?

Sometimes it helps me if I focus completely on the pain. See it as a red-hot coal that just gets brighter and brighter as you focus more and more on the pain. Then when you are completely immersed in it, see the piece of coal explode - try to conjure up the sound of an explosion too if you can.

I swear it works. Might not take the pain away but it diminishes it.

Are you ready to think about acupuncture again? I used to have a needle phobia myself, but I was put in a situation where I couldn't give in to it and I had no choice but to suck it up, channel 'The Divine Miss G' and get the damn thing over with. I've been fine ever since.

Maybe you should sent 'Elizabeth Fucking McClung' to try the acupuncture instead? ;-)

Isis said...

I am sorry to hear you're hurting.

This does not mean you should not have done what you did yesterday. What you did yesterday is part of how you live, and living is what this is all about, right?

That does not mean I wish you the pain you're feeling now: I hope it goes away as soon as possible.

Stop reprimanding yourself for living, for doing what you need to do to live.

Tom P. said...

I am sympathetic but don't tell Michel because she also doesn't do what she is supposed to do and ends up in pain. But for her I can't show sympathy because I want her to stop doing these things and rest more! But for each of us we have to decide which is worse... the pain from doing something or the pain from not doing something. Yes, you could avoid these activities that lead to physical pain but then what about the emotional pain of not doing them?

And when you feel better, you owe me an email. And I owe you a couple of postcards! ;)

Lene Andersen said...

Hey! The "poor baby" part was completely genuine (ok, the other part was a smidge sarcastic, but at least I gave you some sympathy).

"no actual baby emerged from my spinal column" - did you ever see the movie Manitou?

I know where you're at. You get so happy about beating down the bloody disability and then while you're high on the fumes of success, you pop out for a movie, clean a pile, mess about editing pictures (or whatever) and then it goes from Bad to Horrific.

You have my sympathies. Try to chant "it's worth it" between the screams - might make it easier? And yes, breathing through the pain can take the edge off sometimes. They're not crazy.

p.s. I love your day worker.

Perpetual Beginner said...

I wish I could take some of the pain out of your spine (and everywhere else). You pay a much higher price than most of us for a little overdoing. Unfortunately the current pain in my spine is all my own doing - got kicked onto my butt yesterday in karate, and while I did a proper rollout apparently it wasn't as smooth as it should have been. My collection of bruises tends to elicit comments of "Why do you do that?" and "I would never put up with that. You should quit." rather than sympathy.

Breathing through the pain works (somewhat) for me. It works better for some kinds of pain than others. The more the pain is worsened by tight muscles, the more breathing (which can allow you to relax muscles) can help. It also takes practice, though, and the middle of spasms is not a good place for learning.

Crossing my fingers that tomorrow isn't as bad as today indicates it might be.

em said...

Your preemptive post made me laugh. Such evil genius!

Like Neil, I wish that you didn't have this situation where you either can have your autonomy or you can have less pain but you can't seem to have both. You are human though and I think you should give yourself a break for being exactly who you are. That's a trick that many people fail at, and you succeed gloriously (if painfully).

Be kind to yourself. That's a good trick. Let's both try it...

kathz said...

Nobody deserves pain - and certainly, if it were a matter of what people deserve, you would be having a wonderful time.

I hope you feel better soon. It sounds a lot worse than childbirth, by the way.

I've been slow to comment lately because of intermittent internet access/multiple computer problems and pressure of work - the most I could do was reading your blog from time to time. Very best wishes.

Neil said...

Raccoon: Thank you! I'll be in touch.

Yanub: Wouldn't Pat Boone's gospel songs cause even more pain in Beth? At least let it be Billy Idol's 'Nice day for a white wedding.'

Or... when I lived on the second floor and a new friend lived in the basement of a house, and the people on the main floor were partying, we played Jeff Wayne's musical War of the Worlds LOUD in the basement. When 'the Parson' screams "I've got a pla-a-ann!" at 100 decibels, people listen; they turned their annoying music down for a week.

Beth: remember, breathe. Please, just keep breathing, 'cause we all love you and we're selfish enough to want to continue loving you in the present tense.

As a first aider I met online put it: Breath goes in and out; blood goes round and round. Any variation on the above is a bad thing.

Zen hugs and lots of love, O beautiful adopted niece!
Neil

Veralidaine said...

Thank goodness you're not actually having a baby! The poor tot would be skydiving and rappeling up cliffs before it could walk, with your genes.

No "told you so" from me, you'll get plenty from Linda.

JaneB said...

Some genuine sympathy here! Yes, you brought it on yourself - but that doesn't mean that you aren't genuinely in horrible pain and having a crappy day, so of course you get sympathy for that. Now, if you were going round saying 'no idea why it hurts', that would open you up for some friendly mocking, I think...

My post-card arrived today, it's georgeous! You set the bar high... will see what I can do about pints, are you a microbrewery bitter type person or a stout or dark ale type? When I worked in Canada I used to call the bar where my colleagues liked to go half an hour before we actually left work and get them to pull me a pint of their darkest beer (which wasn't very dark) and stand it somewhere so it could come to room temperature and actually taste of SOMETHING by the time I drank it. Sadly the anti-dpressant and anxiety meds aren't alcohol-compatible so I'm very out of practice these days... :-(

rachelcreative said...

Hey Beth.

Catching up after a few days break and well ... you've been on a rollercoaster while I wasn't looking!

I don't think there's a wrong way to live. No-one makes a perfect job of life and everyone needs different things to be alive.

My idea of living is almost certainly not yours. And my idea of living would almost certainly be a hell of a lot different if I was dying.

I don't want you to die. I don't want you to be in pain. I don't want you to push yourself into screaming pain and seizures and everything else that comes with that. I don't want you to sit and not feel alive and not want to pass your days passively.

But it makes eff all difference what I want. What I wish for you.

So, as scared and sad as I was by your bear witness post that is what I am here doing.

For as long as you're able to tell me and as long as I am able to hear I will. Whether that's a day of crushing devastation, of bearing unbearable pain, of training and doing mad stupid dangerous things, of feeding squirrels, of having nothing nothing nothing to say.

That's all for now.

Judith said...

I kind of get the thing about breathing through the pain. I breath hold when I'm in pain and that is not terribly helpful as it makes me more tense. However, I was great at having babies - I can't work out why I didn't get actual awards for that! Pain? Really?
But anyway, straightforward childbirth is a clean, healthy kind of pain that is meant to happen and fussing about your breathing gives you something to do while you wait!
Am totally sympathetic about your pain today. Self-inflicted? Maybe -but perhaps worth it if it's the price you pay for hope and autonomy.
Take care Beth and rest up a bit (if you can bear it).

Wheelchair Dancer said...

lord... that was funny. Sorry. Umm. Should I send rubber plants for you to stare at and manuals on how to be a proper disabled person?

just do it your way.

WCD

Elizabeth McClung said...

Cheryl: yeah, I figured people would go, "What, I just saw a picture of her?"

The best thing to help pain is not being there (like sleeping if I can - or pain pills). I am sort of recovering today, almost, if I don't go up to badminton tonight!

Fridawrites: Yeah, overextenders unite! I thought so too, do I have to listen to the chase scenes!

Raccoon: I'm glad you are back though sorry to hear you ended on a not so great note.

As for the noise above I do have to wonder what the people downstairs think of my oxygen converter and the rest.

Sorry to hear about your cat. As for the doctor I was supposed to be "resting up" so I could do another round of tests. Dunno what happened to that plan.

Oh cool, goodies!

SharonMv: I have been on pain meds more or less continiously and while I am getting break through pain because it seems my spine is about four inches to the right of where it is supposed to be (it is UNDER my shoulder blade, I know have scoliosis, but not THAT bad). So a little better, but still a lot of nausea - do you get pain nausea? Thanks for the well wishes.

Lilwatchergirl: Yeah, well, I am trying not to get people to imitate me becuase Linda says my posts should have a "Do NOT try this at home" warning on them. I can deal with it when things go wrong with me, I can't handle when people are like, "What would Elizabeth do?" and then things go wrong - I have enough guilt already! Funny instead of do what I say, not what I do, I'm the reverse.

Neil: Thankfully, time takes care of that (I hope!), and since you know the pain of nerve pain, I would not inflict it on you. I don't have a high pain threshold, it is just because of that I am sort of ALWAYS used to being in pain one way or another (kind of "if I didn't do something becuase I would be in pain later, I'd never do anything!").

Well, I figured writing to make it funny was just a survival instinct, I would get more comments and fun than if I just went "IT HURTS!" for like 20 lines.

Yanub: When you wrote it down like that, about how I am going to do it all again next week, it does sound sort of like hitting your head against a wall doesn't it. Will it sounds better if I tell you I could win CASH prizes if I come in as one of the top 3 females wheelchair racers. Mostly it is becuase I want To have DONE IT - a real race in a real racing chair. While ironically this week the government and my wheelchair PT are getting me an electric wheelchair with neck support - no no contractitions there particularly as they have assessed it as a "high need" due to my sort of failing mobility. See, just over 1 hour mobile, then two days plus not being able to move. "But Beth, what if for that hour you didn't go racing, but did something like go to the park instead?" - hmmm, what a interesting and left field idea?

I am not a jock, but I do like to see what I can do. And since most people see only the me that can barely move, yeah, I want this.

Desdemona: Actually the whole clenching thing makes sense. I think I will have a LOT of time to practice that - the problem with trapped nerves is that for example, breathing actually crushes part of my spine into my rib cage. Alas, I will not get to practice my or Linda's breathing since our "sperm money" (yeah, that's how lesbians get kids, we steal them....I mean we buy fertility treatment) went toward getting my wheelchair. But it is a titanium wheelchair and will last longer than a child (oh that is so sad, I want a child, but not one I have to get up to feed - where do you find those ones?). What you say about Germany makes perfect sense, I have met Linda's relatives: "Hi, you look like you have put on weight." is a sort of standard opening instead of "we missed you" or "nice to see you."

Lisa: Thanks, I've missed you. I wish I even knew where the spoon drawer was because I swear someone is stealing mine!

Kata: I love that, "I got out of the hospital....long story..." - oh come on, dish! What happened? Thank you - I was told I couldn't take over 300 mg of tramadol without hurting my liver but today, after I read this post, linda says that pharmacist says 400 in a pinch. Well, something is pinching. It is just EVERY MONTH I get the "you know this will turn you into a drug addict" speech. Maybe because the only doctor who would take me (being terminal and all) IS a doctor in a street clinic for drug addicts. But then he was all set to give me heroin when the neruologist wouldn't sign off on it, so he advises me to get illegal pot. He could sign a sheet and I could get it legally (we are in Canada!), but no, that wouldn't 'look good' and go against clinic policy. I got really upset and asked him if I should arrive early and try to score off his patients since he was actually TELLING us where to buy pot in town when we want to go to the medicinal pot places. He can't give me morphine until someone says, "she will live 1 year or 6 months or 2 years" becuase morphine and fentynal are 'step drugs' which means you get more side effects as time goes on with reduced effect. I was on Tramacet and yes, tylenol 3 and asprin and muscle relaxants which I ususally mixed with alcohol to try and enhance the properties so I could get to sleep. So yeah, doing dangerious stuff becuase I CAN'T get proper pain medication. AT least I am on Tramadol now which I use with Tramacet and am in pain all the time but I will have to go back and try gabapenton or whatever that was. Any suggestions?

Kita, you can have all of my spirit, or how about me as your cheering section, just email me and I will try to cheer you on, okay?

Giana: I am very good at visualization, the only problem is that usually, my pain level goes WAY up during it and then I start hallucinating so I never get to the POP and reduction of pain. I must be doing it wrong.

Yeah, seriously, I am ready to consider acupuncture too maybe. Or one of those things that blocks the nerve pain in your spine.

Isis: exactly, I played, I pay - but now I am a different person, the world changed again, only now I am the one with choices and hope.

Living is exactly what this is about, the problem is, can I stand the cost of keeping my autonomic system going? Eventually I won't. But Today I can, so let's live. and yes, pain please go away, and visit the insurance people who plague Frida and so many others!

Tom P: Yes, I understand, you have to caregive, you have to pick up the pieces. I do owe you an email and I will try to get to it today (or tomorrow?). But Michele needs enough living to keep going, but enough rest to like living, and absense of pain. I hope the pain goes away for her too.

Lene: Exactly, while I had the monster beaten I might as well get some things DONE. Which might not have been the best long term move!

My day worker is a Card! And yes, it is worth it, it is just in the haze of pain I sometimes am too punch drunk to remember what I did exactly and why that was good?

Perpetual Beginner: kind of like why I stopped akido, because this one person would keep throwing me over so I landed on my spine base and do the funky chicken. I too, in epee got more, "you're crazy" or "You should leave that abusive bastard" than sympathy when they found out why I was limping. Of course with all the hits on my arm, being told that I needed to give up my drug habit every now and then was fun too.

What you say about pain makes sense, but how exactly do you practice...well actually I am going to do that right now - it is called my afternoon nap...through the pain!

THanks for the encouragement.

Em: Good, that's what Linda said too. "Oh, now they can't give you the Shouting at you DESERVE!"

Yeah, I proved that I am still here, now can I prove that I love myself - that is a hard one.

Kathz: I don't know, I figure this is payback for all those teachers I drove crazy in school.

Don't worry, I understand your work and internet pressures, thanks for reading and commenting when you can.

People keep saying that about labour, so I am almost tempted except, I hear once they get out, the fun just keeps coming?

Veralidaine: actually your comment got a big laugh from Linda becuase she thinks it would be true and we would be in Parent hell as our kid rigs a Zip line in the living room.

RachelCreative: Well, somtimes you win against the mountain and sometimes the mountain falls on you - I think I got the last one - I was just very fortunate that after one mind and reality altering negative experience (I still have to be carefull, my fingers are blue as I type this!). I was fortunate and inspired enough that the inner beth came up with something which work, which didn't negate the bad, but put it in perspective - that it IS bad, but that is not all there is.

Well, I don't know, I think we are both people who are pretty passionate about what we are passionate about and dedicated to it - you don't think that is living sort of the same way?

I don't want to die and yes, I don't want to sit there waiting to die because I am too scared or hurt too many times to take the consequences - to be passive. That is not how I want it to be at all: passive.

It does matter what you want, becuase we are friends right? But thank you for bearing witness. I do change my mind by what my friends want and think you know!

Being sad with me or being with me, holding my hand virtually IS what I need sometimes, and I will try to limit that. But I expect in the future it will come again.

I will keep talking (you know me) and thank you for listening, and responding. Thanks.

Judith: I hold my breath because I just got hit by a pain stick - it is like at the pool, belly flopping off the high dive and then someone saying, "no, you didn't breathe through it" - oh would that have helped?

I am trying to rest up enough to convince Linda we should go do badminton (and then another short training racing wheel tomorrow!) I wish I was kidding, oh wait, she took my racing chair in to be tuned, OOOOHHHHH, she plotted this!

Good natural pain? how do you feel about menstrual cramps? how about heat exhaustion cramps? I am just not sure if I trust this "good natural pain" yet. But yeah, you should get awards for childbirth!

Shea said...

I feel awfully sympathetic and mad, but I still have a smile on my face. It is not because of your pain, but the resolve that you. I know that this will not be the last time you do something like this, and your determination is inspiring to me. I will pray for your pain to be relieved.

Elizabeth McClung said...

WCD: Well, I HAVE been asking for a decent manual on how to do the disability thing properly, are you not doing it right either?

Thanks, will do!

Shea: I assume you are mad because I am kinda stupid but in a well intentioned way and that might not change so I will continue to be in pain and puzzled.

Thanks for the prayer, I need the relief, and yes, I will likely do something exactly like it again (as Yanub pointed out, probably NEXT week!). Oh well, I will rest then. in fact, I will rest now! Off for my nap!

Elizabeth McClung said...

Jane B: sorry, your comment got stuck somewhere so I went to the moderate board and FREED it - I am glad you like the postcard. I do try (to cram all things humanly possible in one postcard!)

Thank you for the sympathy! OOOH, am I really going to get a pint, I like a smooth lager or a wheat beer but I like Bass too (or did they get bought out and the taste go funny?). Thanks! Probably with all the meds I am on, I should avoid it to, I will drink it when I am not on pain meds.......er.......some month.

Mira said...

I hear that about the breathing through the pain thing quite often myself. I'm getting better at not slugging the people that say it. If I'm in pain for hours and hours at a time, how do I breath through that without getting so lightheaded that I pass out, fall off the bed, smack my head on the nightstand and lie bleeding until someone notices that I'm not online when I should be?

Sometimes, it's more important to push too hard than to not do it. Since pain has an agenda all of its own, who knows what will cause pain and what won't. I run into former students on a regular basis and I'd rather them see me in pain but still kicking than giving up and staring at the ceiling all day, every day.

Pain or life? I'd rather have life!

Tammy said...

Beth, I am not about to lecture you at all. I do things I'm "not suppose to" every . stinking . day. BUT..I have always had control issues. lol I so understand doing what you have to do, to feel in control of your own self.
Breath through the pain?? Bull shit! I've had two kids, and by the time that was being said to me, I just wanted to punch the one saying it. The everyday pain, I try just not to hold my breath and go from there. Heck, however you survive it..you go for it. If screaming helps, SCREAM! You eventually have to inhale so you can scream again..that's breathing.
I hope tomorrow is better and you have my extreme empathy!

Dawn Allenbach said...

I do occasionally wear the Depends, but that's because my periods have gotten heavier and I go 4-6 hours between potty breaks. Those little Always pads just can't handle it.

Sending you some cooling blue light to battle the fiery pain left over from Gaina's coal visualization. Absorb it where you need it.

Maggie said...

First, I must defend myself. I have never sat on you holding you down. I straddled you last weekend in order to hold you up so you could consume liquids which you really needed. I have held your lips closed so you'll stop loosing too much oxygen. And lets get real, I'm as tall standing up as you are sitting down. Now really, after you decided to take your racing chair out for a practice run do you think I could really keep you from doing what you really wanted to do?
I'm glad to hear that you're up and running.
And I have Pat Boone sings your favorite heavy metal hits. I can send it over with Cheryl this weekend. You may find it quite motivational for the race.

cheryl g said...

NO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!!

Pat Boone sings heavy metal is just wrong and has been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Maggie once played some of it for me and it was truly horrific.

Then again, it could be better than cold water for the couple next door.

Lisa Harney said...

I'm sorry I haven't been as vocal lately as before. I sort of got sucked into World of Warcraft with a really old friend - I hadn't spoken with her since the 90s or so.

Anyway, I've just been scattered lately, and not following anything as closely as I should. Except Doctor Who.

Neil said...

Maggie: please, PLEASE tell me you're joking. Pat Boone really did a heavy metal album? Ohhhh, plleeeeeease noooooooo!

Cheryl: she's joking, isn't she?

Beth: get that racing chair ready. If Maggie's not joking, you're gonna need it. You're welcome to stop here in your escape attempt.

Love, hugs, and nervous laughter,
Neil

SharonMV said...

Hi Beth,
Are there any pain med options for you between tramadol & morphine?. There are a few here in the US. I didn't fined tramadol very effective. I'm on pills and a patch and and NSAID & prednisone (for inflammation), but am still always in pain. It's good that you can sometimes sleep to get away from the pain. One of the neurological problems my Lupus causes me is terrible insomnia (along with the dibihlitating fatigue! don't you just love the irony of disease?). Recently,some of my joint pain issues have gotten out of hand (some screaming involved - and I didn't even scream when my Achilles tendon ruptured). It seem to be from a combo of waling around with the boot/brace thing for several months which aggravated everything on the opposite side and an extremely bad Lupus flare. Oh, yes also from the septic bursitis in my knee (an infection in the bursa that feels al ot like having an abcessed tooth inside your knee). All of this is making me mad, cause I finally got a little bit of energy the last few weeks - enough to work on some creative projects as you know - now the pain is trying to stop me. So now I'm on some higher dose prednisone for a while. Well, my latest cold turned into a sinus infection & is heading toward bronchitis, so I had some "enforced" (by my body) rest for the last couple days & actually several naps. And I'm still waiting for my rheumatologist to return my call from last Wed. I did call again & left another message, but my regular doctor will probably be back before I hear from him.

Now, back to the point I mentioned earlier. I really wish you could get some pain relief meds that will be more effective for you. Just e-mail me, if you want to know more about my experience on this.

Sharon

lilwatchergirl said...

You see, it's so much more fun to ask 'What Would Elizabeth Do?' than any variations on that theme. I have other bad disabled role models too. But your adventures are the most fun.

Hope you're feeling a little bit less awful today.

cheryl g said...

Sorry Neil. Maggie's not joking and really does have Pat Boone singing heavy metal. It is as awful as you would think.

I really don't plan to bring Beth a copy. I suspect transporting that album across the border would be seen as an act of war.

Neil said...

Cheryl: Trying to bail you out WOULD take Beth's mind off her troubles.

I googled the horrific topic. Oh, dear God....

I did not have the nerve to look for any video.
Neil, supposedly working