I have next to nothing to post today because I am so distracted by the overwhelming pain. My God! The pain last night was one of those fever nights you pray never happens again. And this morning, my plans of sleeping in to rest were broken because I kept waking up every 10-15 minutes with more and more pain until I gave up and got up.
Finally, half an hour later, I figured it out. I took my pain pill 30 minutes early, which lasts for 4 hours and then re-upped it so at 7 and a half hours of sleep I was back in full pain. Should have just taken another pill but then extreme pain not the best time for doing higher math like....addition and subtraction. I do remember waking in the night and begging for a pain pill only to be told I had been given them 50 minutes earlier. And going, “Is there ANYTHING ELSE I can have?” Which yes, sounds either like a junkie who is jonesing for a fix or someone in pain pretty desperate (or both?).
Of course, I can hardly spend such a great deal of time yesterday talking about how STUPID I was and how DANGEROUS it was and how I PUSHED LIMITS and how I was in intense pain but I CHOSE it and then expect people to be all teary eyed today. So I guess I will get a bunch of, “I told you so!” comments, or “Well this should teach you.” Which won’t, just will teach me that the world is full of hard callused people. (BLAH! So there!)
I mean women who chose pregnancy are knowing they will pay the price but they get LOTS of sympathy for the horrific number of hours of labor they go through (pick a number, and some woman within earshot has done it. Seriously, I had a friend who was pregnant and we couldn’t sit in a coffee shop without getting stories of breach births after 36 hours of labor, or how after 17 hours of labor and so much bleeding the woman needed transfusion to keep from dying, etc….and then the stories all finish with, “You look so rosy!” or “Aren’t you lucky!” Even though you see the evil gleam of a horrid story coming with the, “This is your first isn’t it?”).
Actually that is a good analogy because often women who become pregnant get to that state by ACCIDENT. No planning whatsoever! At least I had a plan.
Someone (Lene!) just called me and when I told her I couldn’t talk because I was in too much pain she was all, (in a sarcastic voice), “Oh poor baby, how could that have happened?” See, exactly what I was talking about. Like NO ONE who reads here has ever done the "Oh, I'm sure it won't hurt THAT bad tomorrow" along with "I'll only be out a short time, I'm sure I won't need the suntan lotion!" (You wait, I'll be gloating from my air conditioned bubble life)
Anyway, I am just saying that my pain got so bad and incapacitated me to the point that when my care worker came I was actually screaming.
See, my postcard project had gotten muddled and I needed to sort the papers into a pile for stickers, a pile for postcards sorted, those unsorted and my mail received so that I could reply to it. However, stretching my arm or even leaning over, or just typing got me to the point where I suddenly screamed from the sharp intense pain which was a mix between someone ripping out part of my spine and someone stabbing it over and over.
My care worker turned my chair around and stopped me from working on the floor. So I was like, “Well, if I sort papers up here it won’t AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” She was all pushing my head back and saying in that older sister way: “No! Just SIT THERE.”
THEN I start getting a lecture that she is noticing that I am not “breathing through the pain.” And how that helps and I am not helping myself by not breathing. Apparently I missed the Lamaze Class for disability. I said that it is hard when you have the pain of someone stabbing you with an ice pick in your spinal column it kind of is "AUUUHHHHH" and freezing instead of knowing to “breath through it.”
She said it helps, in this very definative way. Which is also what Linda says, "Breath through it, just breathe through it." Did they get the class and I didn't? Anyway, I had run out of pain pills and she went to the kitchen to get one. I was sitting still when another couple stabs hit and I screamed and as she came in the room I screamed again but then did little puffs of air, with a sort of grimace and a look right at her which said, “Oh yes this is SO much better now that I am breathing.”
She had to put the pill in my mouth and she told me while I tried not to scream as it started to kick in that I was her only client who actually was in so much pain they screamed.
I said that seemed strange and asked her why she thought that was. And she said, her other clients didn’t go off in racing chairs by themselves for over an hour but did ‘disability things’ like watching TV, or looking at plants. Fine. I tend to think that going off and doing stupid things which often end up in pain to demonstrate you are still as able to make as impetuous decision as when able bodied IS a disability thing.
So I got the labour and the breathing of pregnancy, only thankfully no actual baby emerged from my spinal column (cause that’s just creepy) - well just my 'pain baby'. I also have now one MORE person who is physically stopping me from doing things. Just because I have this habit of doing something, screaming from pain, waiting a few seconds, noticing the pain hasn’t been there for at least 10 seconds and then try to continue what I was doing…and scream from pain (continue the cycle over and over until I pass out). So that list is now Linda, Cheryl, Maggie (who will even sit atop me to stop me from moving), and now my day time care giver.
After she left I did some computer work and then started feeling bad, really really bad. Much like when I used to push myself really hard and got very, very nauseous and kind of “out there”. I kept taking my BP becuase I thought I was having a stroke maybe, because I was dropping everything, including the phone where Linda was saying, "Go to bed right now, do not pass GO, do not collect $200!" Plus I couldn't focus my eyes.
So I went and lay down. But I was still so awful feeling that I had to lie there for an hour in order to get WELL enough so that I could sleep. That’s how crappy I was.
And the thing is that I did NOTHING to deserve this (stop laughing!). I know there was yesterday (I expected SOME pain, not the entire boatload!) and yes, after I got up so early I did get dressed and decide to go wheeling in my day chair on the premise that “After SO MUCH pain, no matter how much I wheel now, it can’t feel any worse!” Which seemed really good logic at the time. I went down into the village and got some movies, of which I have watched….zero. Why? Because I feel so crap. But now I will try because I got up from my nap and Linda had just arrived home. Admittedly, it turns out that wheeling lots the day after doing something which makes wheeling pain doesn’t just get lumped into the previous general pain, it might produce even more.
So, I am like a human public service warning for people in wheelchairs. Don’t be like Beth! Wheel smart! So you won’t have to lie for an hour feeling like you are going to puke, staring at the wall, only to finally feel good enough to go to sleep but your neighbors have now come home and are having sex on the opposite side of that wall.
When I am feeling crappy and desperately want to sleep, I do NOT want to hear sex. In fact, I will go so far as to say I HATE sex at some points (that being one of them). I wanted to bang on the wall and yell, “Cripple here needing sleep, go have a cold shower” but that would have meant getting out of the bed, so I was helpless before this auditory onslaught of squeaks, laughter and the patter of people running around the room (?????).
So that was my day, pretty much wanting to say “Hey, enough pain already, I feel in control of my life so lets tone down the pain a little?” The BAD news is that it isn’t the day after I exercise when I really crash, it is the second day. Today was just “pain day” while tomorrow is “rag doll, siezure and weird funky ‘can she stay alive’ day” Oh Joy!
Please at least TRY to sound sympathetic.
12 hours ago