I keep getting this spike into the back of my head and another behind my eye when I have these 'brain go boom' moments. Cheryl and others seem to think that I need a CT (like RIGHT NOW), but since I found out that my test results from three months ago about my auto-immune system attacking me actually didn’t result in a referral to a Rheumatologist (though we were told it had been). I have little faith. Do I have a referral now? They are working on it....so that I can get on a list to see one....in many more months. And I only found that out when calling to find out if this EEG test the hospital told me I was to take 16 hours later was ordered by my doctor or not (A "Dr Sparrow"). And the anemia and hemoglobin and hemo-crit problems found in the last set of tests from May are…still untreated. As is the search for why my peripheral neuropathy is dying very, very quickly (for those unused to medico speak that means: all the nerves in my arms and legs – and when they die, arms and legs no move any more!). As is, in fact, the search for why my T1-T4 in my spine is demyelinating as found my MRI in 2007 (for those not in med speak, that means, signals below that part of the spine like LEGS, and bladder and yes, the horny bits, are getting lost and if that continues will all be lost). And the EEG test of last week has not come back with a result which means a) the guy who does interpretation is on vacation or b) They really did send it to Dr. Jack Sparrow, and who knows where it is or c) I have some really odd fucked up result which means they are kicking it around trying to decide who has to be responsible for interpreting it (Quick, cover your ASS!).
Anyway, what does this mean in terms of a CT scan for me? Pretty damn slim I would say, and even if I took one and it showed that my veins were bleeding into my brain and killing cells….well, this isn’t the US, I would probably go back on another list for the FOUR neurosurgeons left in Victoria, so another few months to a year wait there. My GP has not received either the nerve conduction test done here in Victoria many months and months ago or the nerve conduction test done last month in Vancouver which he says is “unusual.” I find that when 'certain' people are trying to say it is in your head, withholding the actual scientific evidence isn’t ‘unusual’ but pretty damn typical (if not expected). We are talking about the same neurologist who withheld the MRI results for FOUR months (and only released it after I refused to continue until it was produced) which showed that my spine was demyelinating.
Anyway, now that I have outline the fucked up state of my non-care. This probably means a continued loss of brain function for me for the near/continuing future since I seem to now average about three TIA’s/Siezures/Mini Stokes a week.
So I did not leave the apartment today because I was still not convinced that I was not in Germany, plus I had a hard time speaking, and coordinating hand function so I stayed in The Chair in the office and watched US films, namely Juno. This film (which is a hit and wins awards) seemed to be about how if you were white and female that having sex with a guy with no protection and getting pregnant at 17, and then deciding to seek a adoptive parent under the want ads next to exotic birds is kind of cool and edgy. And through it all, the pregnant belly is like ‘alternative’, sort of a fashion statement as Juno decides to give the woman the baby even after a divorce and spends most of the time to soul search and finds that she acutally loves a guy (which is obviously more important than, like, her pregnancy).
She is funny and hip and there is no feeling that she will ever have to have any emotional or other consequences from this since after the baby is born her ‘boyfriend’ cuddles with her as they say the don’t want to see the baby since "it isn’t really theirs anyway" (obviously not good grades in BIOLOGY class). And then we continue to see the now non-pregnant Juno biking over to true loves house to play guitar and we sigh knowing that though she has had this “hiccup” she is “Growing up” and will go to college and have sex there and maybe one day get married. Because she is white, and middle class. Because if she was black and in inner Baltimore or Detroit or many other cities in North America, 17 is VERY much the time you can become a mother (documentaries show 14 and 15 is too! Click on the map if you want REALITY!). For REAL girls, not Juno, all the bills are not paid by a couple you found in the PennySaver ads. Juno, the hip, sweet (STUPID) girl appears to have the kind of life that I guess North Americas want to see when they run away from reality into. Is this what they want their daughters to be? Or is this what 14 year old want to be in a couple years? Because I know women who left home to avoid sexual abuse or were kicked out for orientation or other issues or actually DID become moms at 17, and they are all white, but I guess not middle class white or movie American white. Certainly didn't have a soundtrack to the hard life and decisions they made. I dunno. Juno made me angry, that even teenage pregnancy (a particularly stupid pregnancy where SHE planned the sex, had it once, but didn’t plan the condom?), is now just hip and edgy and sort of a fashion statement between alternative and punk. Perhaps if Juno did like, cry or act in any way normally emotional instead of the “that’s cool” façade the entire film I wouldn’t hate it so much. Because now I am just waiting for the “Yeah, my step-dad is raping me, but that’s cool and he buys me bitchin clothes” film. And I am sure it will win Awards at Sundance and show us how family abuse is kind of edgy but can be heartwarming and a lesson which leads to love all at the same time. And how maybe it is cool too, like the kind of cool having an abusive alcoholic parent is (if you are upper middle class and it doesn't have any emotional impact on you at all – I need to meet these people in real life instead of the cool people I actually know who have been dealt a hand of “all fucked up” and after a lot of years, worked to get over it and still be better people than those who gave them the “all fucked up” part of their life). On second thought, I don’t want to meet these “no emotional impact” people at all.
So that is it, I am now going to watch the TV series Weed, as my continuing education to my damaged brain on what North America is like, so that I can be ready for it when I actually leave The Chair and The Bed and go outside again, because Linda keeps telling me that this is NOT a hostel and that no, breakfast is not free (one of my questions last night: “Do we get a free breakfast?").
So, you probably have, like stuff to do and I will be thinking of you, while in all likelihood unless you are like me and fucked up so you have to spend five hour resting for each hour you wheel outside, you won’t be thinking of me at all, and I guess that is sort of the scheme of weekends. Besides, it is not like you don’t have your own families and kids and relatives and stuff like that to see and deal with and get together with and lawns to move and gardens to (what do people do with gardens? I have a feeling “mow” isn’t the right word), and all that stuff. So go and have fun because I would if I could and if I can I will. Right now I am just sort of curious and confused because I have parts I remember and parts Linda thinks I remember (including some conversation about a bed, which I have no knowledge of), and the parts my brain tells me, which Linda says are untrue. So I watch TV, which at least I KNOW is untrue (but my brain is more convincing to me in BEING untrue!), while US TV is sort of a twisted reflection of what people wish was true.