We don’t give up around here. (plus a gift for YOU)

We don’t give up around here.

This is not to say we don’t get down, get in pain, get sick, get seizures, get depressed, give in….for a while. But we don’t give up. And that’s not me, and that’s the people who come here. The people I learn from.

Yes, okay, I went to Japan and took almost 50 friends with me (and one lover…Linda!). Because with enough planning and preparation and some help from strangers that “impossible” WAS possible. But that is just ONE thing.

RachelCreative did her entire 365 days of self portraits, even with ME/CFS: when sick, when in pain, when ready to quit, she kept going. Neil did his 10K. Yanub talks about change and her life and Sara sucks down so many fresh peas (in a portrait picture perfect for Xmas - LOVE the glasses/peas look) she actually hurts herself. We get hurt, we are heavy and we go ON. Goldfish hosted BADD, while Gaina went out to a BAD restaurant and a good gallery.

Meanwhile Lilwatchergirl reclaims herself as a PERSON (not someone without choices or someone determined by appearance), and Donimo, even when she can’t participate herself, is part of BADD, as she encourages people to keep going, to read and learn. While she herself keeps going, studying her chronic pain (in her body) and popular stupidity when it comes to random cure advice.

Even in difficulty, even in the rush of life, we challenge ourselves. Perpetual Beginner is challenging herself with a fascinating “Books not Read” list which comes from libraries challenging herself and others to list which they HAVE read (to show you how geek I am, except for books of the last five years which I cannot remember for certain, I think I have read everything; I was the only 20 year old in an entire lecture hall to put up her hand to the question, “Have ANY of you read ‘The Aeneid’?” (the Roman continuation of the Iliad/Odyssey)). While Victor, who ‘passes’ as able bodied asks a question which will get all from the medical to the social model in a tizzy, Am I Disabled?

We risk ourselves as we move forward, we fall hard, we disappear into illness, depression, the compression of too much medical attention and we feel alone. So very tired and alone. Lene at Seated View writes a new column and challenges people (big surprise, I think not!) with the post Life before Death, about the beauty in Death and how it is a part of life (and a photographic project of people before and after death).

Meanwhile, putting up what seems a sort of metaphor for my whole life, Evil Lunch Lady posts about jumping in puddles called It’s Raining. And Dawn and Cheryl G keep both telling me this word, “Rest” (sorry must be in the missing brain section, as that word makes no sense to me!). A word which for them falls under “Do what I say, not what I do!” (Dawn sure seems to get a lot in for a lecturer AND Ph.D. with thesis looming student).

Do you understand what I am trying to say. I blog but I am not alone. And while, THANK GOD!, no one will have to go through exactly what I go through, everyone has their sack of evil stuff that they have to carry. A lot of the people who read here are in pain, serious, mind altering, make you funked and hard to see the sun pain. Some have hidden pain, and/or pain from long ago.

There are things written upon the body which don’t go away.

And some, like Fridawrites, points out, rightly so, each might have disability but we are not all the same, not a giant lump of “disability.”

For many/all of us, some days, sometimes many days are going to be heavy. And yet, we go on. I had to remind myself of that today. And remind myself that I am very fortunate to have the attention, encouragement and help from so many diverse individuals; coming from so many different perspectives.

There is an anime called Air, which I talked about over a year ago (also known as “the saddest anime every made”). It is about a puppeteer who comes to a town of screwed up girls; one with blue hair and a ribbon on her arm because she believes if she can keep the ribbon there until she grows up she will be able to do magic (the ribbon was put there by her mother because she unconsciously ‘self harms’ and this stops it). Another girl with long brown hair whose sister is dead (long story, don’t go there, sad, sad). And there is the main character, the girl with blonde hair (a bit of a ditz who just REALLY wants to fly, with wings of her own), whose mother, while distancing herself, hires the guy to take her to school and give her a ‘normal life.’ The girl has a painful and degenerative condition which will affect those closest to her, as it gives her pain, finally steals her ability to walk and eventually much of her memory. The puppeteer wants to leave but….well, everyone needs someone. Right?

So I guess this AMV is for all those who read, or lurk, or comment or just pass by, because I know that you have your own burdens and life and that you spend a few minutes here actually means quite a lot to me. I’ve been watching this short video a lot since the trip to the hospital. PLEASE, just play the start of the video, if you can stop after that, it is up to you, because it is for you.

I wanted you to watch that because if you want, you can take off now, what follows is a letter I wrote to myself today. It may not completely make sense to you (or me) because some of the references are from when I was younger, from what I remember. And yes, it is deeply personal and kind of weird (much like….me?)

Dear Elizabeth,

Right now you are preparing to die. You think about what you have lost; what you keep losing, will lose and it is all you can see. But that is not you. You fall, you fail, but you do not stop. You fight. You are Elizabeth Fucking McClung and if your legs are taken away then use your arms, if your arms stop working, then use your voice, your eyes, your language. If your mind is shattered then take a piece and fight on.

Awake and remember! We are discouraged, we are broken, we will lose ALL that is precious to us, but one (Linda). Yet we remain. Elizabeth, you are the eternal warrior and you do not rest. Your body, your brain, your articulate word all sacrifice to the brokenhearted, those who wait without hope, to tend the bruised, to free the bound. You must be bound to know the pain of it, must have loss to understand what loss means; to live without hope and in despair and still continue anyway. All this you have. This is what you are.

And if all there is to offer is your nakedness and the utter sorrow felt in the night then give it. Give it and stay alive. I do not believe in heaven, I do not believe in hell. I do not believe in a reward, but what I believe is immovable. I do not have the answers, I do not attempt to answer the questions. Where there is sexual abuse, it will stop, where there is abuse of any kind, I will fight to stop it. Bigotry of any kind, and the petty apathy upon which the worse crimes against each other are made, the viewing of others as less equal to ourselves, this I fight. I fight it first in my own eyes and mind and in every place that I find it.

So lift your eyes to what cannot be imagined, and see it. My body and body do not bind me: I bind me. So break free.

I am not brave, inspirational or courageous; I am relentless, I face fear because it MUST be faced, before it grows. I do what can be imagined so that another, seeing it might know that many things are possible, even when people say they are not. Fuck ‘plucky’, and act instead. In both word and deed TRY because you have no intention of returning. You fight to live, but when you engage, in opposition or activity, fight without reserve, with no intention of returning. There are no standards to live up to but your own, and those are immovable. When you are wrong, apologize sincerely and with remorse, but learn and move on. We are never truly judged by others; listen to your heart. Do not fear the pain, and do not fear death; only fear the lost opportunity.

Sometimes, there are no words when all the future and all you see is boiling darkness. Yes, you want to cut yourself, maybe you will. Yes, sometimes all that can be seen in the past is a litter of failures. Face yourself. So Elizabeth is imperfect, is flawed, is in pain emotional and physical, and yet…..the darkness must be faced. The future goes on.

Please Elizabeth, you do not know what is impossible until you TRY.

E.