I am not in a good headspace. I woke from a nightmare.
I sit here and wonder what it is about me that is so horrific that my older brother can actually tell both his wife (and they do have a child) and my parents that he “sexual experimented” with me when he hit puberty. He told them because he knew that I finally told our parents about his repeated and prolonged sexual abuse (see I remembered that, and telling my parents). He told my mother, whose reaction was to pursue ME, to demand to know in explicit detail what extent that “experimentation” went. She didn't ask him, even though he kept staying with them; they feed him and his family; they all went to the family reunions (I wasn't invited).
Yet I was to provide these details. So I did. It seems I was kind of emotional about it. This was interpreted as “attacking” my parents.
I don’t know how to understand that. One person, says, “I sexual experimented on a prepubescent child.” After that child, grown up, says, he abused me for months and months if not years.
The other person describes the abuse, in some detail.
One of these people makes the parent angry; the other goes home with his wife (and child) to whom, according to him, he has also told about his ‘experimentation.’
I wonder what he has to do to make my parents truly angry; angry enough that they use the words, “You attacked us!” as my father did to decribe what I did in giving the details.
Linda had hoped that I would not remember my brother. “You know I love you” is what he would say, to get me to accede. I want him to stop; I want to tell. “You know I love you! You know what they will think if you say anything. If you love me, you don’t want them to know do you?”
I'm not looking for pity. Actually pity would make me a little angry. I certainly am not unique. If you care, look around at a person who believes that people use the word love as "I will use you", and show them that you aren't like that. There are things written upon the body.
Today I had a meeting with Triumph; the person there has not, in two months been able to find a single job I could apply for. In a city desperate for work. Nor a single grant, they told me.
I said, “What about Queen Alexandria Hospital, as a mentor for children in wheelchairs?” She opened the webpage. It was full of grants. She said she would “email it to me.” I wondered why she didn’t CONTACT the people she knew there, since they are an agency for employment of people with disabilities, they must have done this before? Right? Linda was with me to help interpret me. The worker said, “You have to decide if you want money or if you want to change the world.” Linda thought later that in the weeks I was gone she had done nothing on my case, that she had no plan. I said, I guess we know, since SHE got paid for the last hour that she didn’t choose to change the world.
I spent an hour of my time. She had offered counseling in the past. I said this time I wanted counseling on dying. She recommended Kubler-Ross. I quoted from the book the five stages and told her it wasn’t applicable, not when you lose a bit every week or two. When you start all over again. She just sat there. Then asked, “Do you want free, cheap or good.” I said we wanted good. She looked up a bereavement clinic and called them. Turns out they are free. She says they are the best. She was unaware that they were a) free and b) did an initial assessment. I don’t know how much to believe HER. I should have called the clinic myself and avoided giving my personal life to her. Or do I care? Should I put a sign on my wheelchair: "Dying, please avoid seeping body fluids getting on your clothes"
I am very good at looking things up on the net and calling numbers. I do not need to wheel down to someone’s’ office for them to do that. They said they would send me the links. I am curious what that means, I think it means that I am supposed to “self initiate grant application” or whatever phrase they use, which is a lot like, “Hey look it up yourself and do the work yourself.” These people are paid to assist me finding employment. They are pretty crap at it. I think considering my verbal confusion, they might have at least offered me a job answering phones. It seems almost logical for that establishment.
4 hours ago