The inner voices were loud this week, and very loud today. They come from statements of a real person, actions and statements of real people, people who told me that I am incompatible with beauty, and that I was incapable of creating beauty.
When I get depressed, I call myself, “the Monster” because I don’t know to live with what is written inside of me. And I have worked to write what I do see, ALL of it.
So tonight, I see someone (me) who is both very scared, perhaps as scared as a child laying outside, the first time, under the great black of night only with no home to run back to. We know it is illogical to be so scared. Fear is just one of the voices, and if I ever listened to them, the teachers, the people in authority or influence who ALWAYS knew what was best, what I could or could not accomplish, well, I am would be a far different person.
So I am proud to say I have accomplished nothing but the attempts of dreams. This is not the kind of statement to make the voices happy.
I’ll admit that I am not beautiful (more on the E. Roosevelt scale) and maybe I cannot contain beauty but I can recognize it. I chose to follow it, to be near it.
This would be a good time to remind you (I know because I hear it in my head many times an hour) that I have never wheeled 10 kilometers at one time before. And according to the bike shop today one of my tires is going (there is a bulge or something). We have driven the route and there seems to be not one wheelchair toilet. That is too bad as just thinking about tomorrow makes me desperate for the toilet.
I may not be able to post tomorrow, even if I finish, just letting you know because though I am glad so many have such confidence in me, I do have this tendency toward passing out, even while in Japan. My intent is to finish. When I say intent, I mean, unless the wheelchair fails or I am restrained I WILL finish.
This is how I wheel up a hill. I put on something like trance or rock music to push me on, I get my arms swinging about three to four pushes a second, to get the momentum high so that I can continue the momentum while going uphill; always accelerate up the hill. About 2/3rds of the way up the pain from the oxygen will hit; DO NOT LET UP, if anything, try to wheel faster. Scream if you need to (I do! Crying is fine too, just keep the F**K going!). By the time you see the crest of the hill, the motion of your going forward will be the edge between falling over or pushing the wheel. Try to focus on just keep pushing the wheel; losing sight in the left eye is not uncommon, be prepared (they have a hill over 1.5 km!). At the last 50 feet just use the thumb and forefinger, you can’t feel the rest of the hand anyway. And that’s how I race in a wheelchair….a race which is against only myself (who invited the other 10,000 people?).
If I finish, I will have a down couple hours, and up for a couple hours and then a major down spike in my health. I am not wimping out I just know that I may be curled up on the bathroom floor with spasms within 24 hours. Actually that would be a rather positive outcome. But don’t know, as I said, I have never done a 10K race before (and there are plenty of ambulances there!).
I promise to give all possible human effort to finishing. And that is the only type of beauty I hold: that of planning and fear, of possible failure and certain pain. “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Eleanor Roosevelt.
The future has never belonged to me; I just want the dreams.
I finish with something I found; it is about how I am feeling right now along with something I am passionate about: Porco Rosso by Miyazaki. The film is set in the inter-war period in the Adriatic Sea and our pig headed pilot, Porco, makes money by stopping air pirates. He was a WWI air ace and the place where he and the pirates have a truce is at Gina’s, a pilots club where Gina sings, and where she calls Porco “Marco”. In WWI Marco’s best friend and fellow pilot married Gina, but the next day, Marco awoke in a type of heaven, the last of his squadron, seeing his friend lifting his plane to join a mass of ghostly pilots. It is here that Marco becomes Porco, though whether that is a curse self-imposed or not is unclear.
An American ace Curtis is hired by the pirates and tries to woo Gina, who turns him down; she later says that she has a bet about if Marco will ever fly into her garden. Curtis and Porco have a dogfight in which an odd trait of Porco emerges (that he is a pacifist and will never shoot if the pilot might be hurt), and Porco’s plane is shot up. He disappears and is presumed dead. But he has returned to Piccolo’s Factory (where is plane was made) and finds that all the men are gone, to find jobs in the depression, and the new head engineer is Fio, a young red head female (guess who I identify with?). She is going to redesign his plane and is quite content to be around Porco even though he is gruff and verbally abusive with her. And soon an all female work force shows up to make the plane.
When take off time comes, it turns out that Fio built a small cubbyhole in the plane for her. Porco is furious. Fio is adamant, until his plane debts are paid off, Fio is coming with him. He reluctantly agrees and returns in time to foil the square jawed Curtis’ wooing of Gina by doing flying tricks over her garden. When he lands at his secret lagoon it turns out that it isn’t too secretive any more as the pirates burst out and plan to smash the plane. Fio emerges and berates them that they would DARE smash anything she just finished designing. They decided to smash Porco instead. Fio turns and attacks THEM for needing an AMERICAN and that Porco is here to challenge the American anyway. Unfortunately the oversexed Curtis shows up, having been turned down by Gina he immediately latches onto Fio and asks her to marry him. Fio, confidant in Porco agrees to a duel: if Porco wins then Curtis will pay off the debts, while if he wins, she has to marry Curtis (yuck!). The pirates agree to host the duel, which is now a huge spectator event (and gambling one) set on a small island. While Fio can only watch, stuck now as the PRIZE.
During preparations, late at night she asks Porco if she can kiss him since maybe like a frog in the story, he will be turned back. He says no. Like that would stop Fio. It is pretty obvious Fio has her mind set on Porco but on the day of the fight, Porco gets Gina to promise to get Fio out of harms way when the time comes. And that’s as far as I tell. But if you watch the Non-American, non-dubbed version you might have an ending that tells you about the curse, a kiss and the bet Gina has with Marco.
Here, for tomorrow, “It’s my life” set to Porco Rosso. And I hope I am as smart as Fio and as wily as Porco!
1 day ago