Today was labor, another 12 items on ebay: mostly Yaoi so I hope that sells. And tomorrow, I will try and list another 10 and another until I run out of days. I am already on pain pills and long stares into no where. Linda did a garage sale this morning. I spent Friday doing the prep for it and we made $180 there: “for the trip.” But the toil of endless drive myself and illness dancing together on every minute we are together brings arguments between Linda and me. Arguments coming out of nowhere over little things because we are too raw from work to listen, or to absorb what might be a bad minute for one person, so it turns into a bad hour or two for both.
I’ve turned back to bad habits. The only way I can keep going under these conditions is to ignore my body; indeed, I have just eaten my first food of the day, at 11:00 pm, which may or may not be why I can’t really see anything out of my left eye. But that didn’t stop me from posting the ebay listings.
The fights are unpleasant. When Linda told me that, If I really WAS her pet, to be honest, she would put me down. I thought about calling the vets when I got up from my delayed nap, to see what the going rate for a large mammal getting put down is. Then I thought that it might end up ala Police Station until I remembered that since I am disabled AND terminal, my value isn’t full human anymore. Or rather, that I don’t have “suicidal thoughts” I have “euthanasia” and “mercy killing” thoughts.
I started cutting again; I posted about it long ago, that some who self harm are like people with eating disorders, just waiting for enough stress over enough time and without intervention they will start again. After a fight, my feelings of what I interpreted, that Linda was saying that my existence in her life made her life worse, left me with little options as I still needed to put on the ebay materials, regardless of how I felt (as only in making money for Japan, can I justify not killing myself….today; that I might, however temporarily, have worth).
It turns out that though I cut the skin, because my heart was too close to failing on Monday and because I was too weak, in heat exhaustion on Thursday, my not going to exercise this week means that I don’t bleed. My circulation has retreated a level and though the skin in clearly split, there is no blood as the micro-capillaries near the surface aren’t carrying any. I guess I will have to dig a little deeper.
Almost four years without cutting, but then, oddly enough, it was my therapist who was one of the first to leave as grief, illness and mortality weren’t “his specialty.” So when the last person in your life is the one who makes you feel so bad you need to flay your skin with a knife to articulate the pain of how you think they see you; and how now you see youself: well, there isn’t going to be “intervention.”
Linda and I are talking again, and civilly, but we need time to bond because we have far more arguments or blow-ups under the stress these days than hugs. It isn’t that we don’t love each other, it is just, we’ve never been in our new post-disability roles under this kind of time constraint with stress from Japan, appointments, doctors, Linda’s new Manager role and my heath teetering while I try to get just “a few more things done.”
But then, going off, leaving, or killing myself just because I am emotionally in pain and we are having miscommunications and blow ups, well that’s the EASY choice isn’t it? And while I am feeling a) scared, b) alone, c) despised, d) a burden, Linda is saying she wants to communicate more and that I should let myself trust her. Running away, or distancing myself emotionally though self-harm would be easy; trusting after hurting is always hard. To err is human, to forgive divine, but to leap into that gap that has grown between you….and trusting the other to catch you? Well, because she’s the best, it is the best that make taking risks worth it.
8 minutes ago