I’ve turned back to bad habits. The only way I can keep going under these conditions is to ignore my body; indeed, I have just eaten my first food of the day, at 11:00 pm, which may or may not be why I can’t really see anything out of my left eye. But that didn’t stop me from posting the ebay listings.
The fights are unpleasant. When Linda told me that, If I really WAS her pet, to be honest, she would put me down.
I thought about calling the vets when I got up from my delayed nap, to see what the going rate for a large mammal getting put down is. Then I thought that it might end up ala Police Station until I remembered that since I am disabled AND terminal, my value isn’t full human anymore. Or rather, that I don’t have “suicidal thoughts” I have “euthanasia” and “mercy killing” thoughts.I started cutting again; I posted about it long ago, that some who self harm are like people with eating disorders, just waiting for enough stress over enough time and without intervention they will start again. After a fight, my feelings of what I interpreted, that Linda was saying that my existence in her life made her life worse, left me with little options as I still needed to put on the ebay materials, regardless of how I felt (as only in making money for Japan, can I justify not killing myself….today; that I might, however temporarily, have worth).
It turns out that though I cut the skin, because my heart was too close to failing on Monday and because I was too weak, in heat exhaustion on Thursday, my not going to exercise this week means that I don’t bleed. My circulation has retreated a level and though the skin in clearly split, there is no blood as the micro-capillaries near the surface aren’t carrying any. I guess I will have to dig a little deeper.
Almost four years without cutting, but then, oddly enough, it was my therapist who was one of the first to leave as grief, illness and mortality weren’t “his specialty.” So when the last person in your life is the one who makes you feel so bad you need to flay your skin with a knife to articulate the pain of how you think they see you; and how now you see youself: well, there isn’t going to be “intervention.”
Linda and I are talking again, and civilly, but we need time to bond because we have far more arguments or blow-ups under the stress these days than hugs. It isn’t that we don’t love each other, it is just, we’ve never been in our new post-disability roles under this kind of time constraint with stress from Japan, appointments, doctors, Linda’s new Manager role and my heath teetering while I try to get just “a few more things done.”
But then, going off, leaving, or killing myself just because I am emotionally in pain and we are having miscommunications and blow ups, well that’s the EASY choice isn’t it? And while I am feeling a) scared, b) alone, c) despised, d) a burden, Linda is saying she wants to communicate more and that I should let myself trust her. Running away, or distancing myself emotionally though self-harm would be easy; trusting after hurting is always hard. To err is human, to forgive divine, but to leap into that gap that has grown between you….and trusting the other to catch you? Well, because she’s the best, it is the best that make taking risks worth it.
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16 comments:
Take the leap Sis, she will catch you this time just as you have caught her in the past.
It is so easy when we are tired, scared and feeling drained to let the hurtful words escape. It is so easy to do and say the
thing(s) that you know will cause the most pain. It is easiest of all to not let ourselves see how those words and actions hurt.
Well, you seem to have made a life out of avoiding the easy. Why stop now?
Anything I can do - just let me know...
Well, we hugged so we are almost even on fights and hugs for today. No one airs issues like lesbians couples, and while it is unpleasant, it does get things out and open and lanced and back together quickly (since Linda and I pretty much try to resolve things before sleeping).
If we didn't love each other so much, we wouldn't fight at times, or at least hurt each other with what we say or with our insensitivity. Because it wouldn't be worth it trying to get the other person to listen, or change or come to some agreement. I know it sounds odd, but we don't fight often but if we want the caring, we will end up with a little miscommunication too.
No, no easy ways, except the cutting, and that seems done, though once it is done, it is harder to resist for a month or two.
I can relate so much to this -- relationships are stressful to begin with, but health issues always make them more complicated. I hope you are able to work it out -- mental breaks are just fine if you need them.
Well, thank god you always choose the hard thing, so you'll stay around and take that leap.
Hope today is better.
Turn Linda's comment on it's head for a second:
If you were her pet, she would not want to see you suffer unnecessarily. Could that be what she's saying? I don't know because I wasn't there, but it's a possibility that she was saying it as a way of showing you how much she loves you, not to hurt you.
The resumption of self-harm along with neglecting to eat sounds like you're falling into a depression, so no wonder you feel so helpless and dispondant. Can you take antidepressants on top of the other medication you have? I think sometimes doctors are so wrapped up in our 'big things' that we can actually suffer common-or-garden depression like every other human being.
Have you and Linda had any respite from eachother? All couples need that from time to time - especially the ones in your position. Maybe you could look into that when you come back from Japan?
I would offer to send you video's to cheer you up, but the last time I did that I nearly caused you to stop breathing from 10 thousand miles away!
Hmm...you know that could be the secret to the perfect murder....
X-D
I'm sorry that positive words and thoughts, and hugs are all I can send, and virtual hugs, at that. But there are manymany of each.
I won't bother trying to say anything else. cheryl g is a veritable fountain of eloquence, and she's said what I want to.
Just vent at us when you need to, Beth; I'm sure that's partly why many of us are here - we want to help in the only way we can, by listening. And loving, of course.
I hope posting here gives you some outlet for some of this pain.
I think caregivers do lash out eventually from the stress, which does make the cared for feel like shit (and they probably feel horrible for saying it). I remember some discussion with my husband recently in which the idea of being a burden came up, and he said, "actually you *are* a burden." The conversation quickly went downhill from there.
What I've found with one of my friend's husbands, who has very intensive caregiving responsibilities as Linda does is that getting some time to himself and going out with a few of his friends seems to help him stay more centered. I wonder if the same would help with Linda. It doesn't seem fair since you're not able to get out so much, but it's difficult to keep on giving without a break from work or caregiving and to feel helpless in that you can't do enough to make things better. Much as we'd like a break from our illnesses, that's unlikely, though that sure would help.
I think you still have my email--I'll resend it, but feel free to write just to complain or vent off record. I'll reply if I'm here and as soon as I'm back if I'm not. I've also felt suicidal and been self destructive because of illness and arguments, so there's no judgment here.
Death is easy. Life is hard. Choose Risk.
My first thought: damn, she really does love you!
One of the things that my father taught me had to do with the medical care of animals. Basically, you tend to them as best as you can, because they can't take care of themselves. And when they can't be treated, don't leave them in pain.
That's why my father would have bailed me out that time with the cat at the police station...
Cutting = Bad!
Cutting + Poor Circulation = Very Bad!
Unless you have a pet vampire...
Ha! Gaina, I hadn't read any of the responses -- we seem to have a lot of the same thoughts in our heads!
I think illness and tiredness and planning holidays often make people on edge - and it's harder for you two. I'm glad to hear you've made up. And it's probably better to say things that hurt then make up, than to keep everything shut away and try to be super-human.
I hope you're feeling better now.
PS, though I said not judgmental, I still don't want you to harm yourself and hope you don't.
Damn, Dawn does have a way with words. That need sto be embroidered on a pillow...
Obviously, you and Linda love and trust each other very much. With the sort of stress you both are under, you really should be arguing from time to time, even saying hurtful things. Because who else can you say these things to and hear them from, except for someone you trust enough and who trusts you enough to stick it out no matter what.
artistic soul: Yeah, sometimes we take a 1/2 hour break to give us space to try and see things from the other point of view but have found that any more distance like, "I'm going into respite" is for us a form of running away so nothing gets resolved. We NEED resolution to sleep.
Lene: Well, yes on doing the hard thing and Yes on US (Linda and I as a couple) being better but NO on feeling better.
Gaina: Well she does come from a farm background so maybe? Um, I actually TAKE an anti-depressant and it was more a frustration/loss of control/loss of self thing. But yeah, at one point I think 5 months ago one of the medicos asked, "Have you recieved ANY counselling about this?" and I said "no." And they said, "Oh, we should get Right on top of that." And that was the last I heard about it.
I wish I could remember this "death by video incident" you refer to?
Neil: Thanks Neil, I honestly wasn't trying to vent, or even really justify my actions which is why I only used one comment which wasn't what we argued about but tried to stick with: this is how I was interpreting things and this is how I felt and reacted. Which I thought was probably a common disability experience between caregiver and um.....sicko? And Linda said that it did that, accurately reflected it. But thanks for the best wishes.
Frida: I told Linda the line from your husband and she went "Oooooh" just imagining how that would go down in our house. Linda does have time to herself, both her work time and self time and time when she takes the nights off every week as there are caregivers who come and take over - it is just with Japan every night, that "me" time for both of us has been lost, as well as the option to "step away and do it when we both feel better like next week"
Thanks - I just wish that things were different, that I had VALUE beyond linda, a job, some income, something where I could retreat, but these weeks, between caregivers and appointments, being alone is a rarity, being in charge even rarer.
Dawn: Couldn't have said it better....except, wait a minute...I did!
Michael/Raccoon: Interesting first thought. But it is right, if we never have friction then I never care what she thinks about me. So yeah, she loves me - but not becuase she is going to put me DOWN.
Yeah, I didn't really think through like necrosis or stuff like that just "Hey, where is the blood!" Cut again, cut 20 times, "HEY! WHERE is the BLOOD!"
Kathz: yeah, we did the superhuman route once, and this way is better. Just some hard couple of hours and a sting for a few more of old wounds.
Frida: Stangely enough, I am not actually thinking "gee, cutting good idea" - well until I think that I am worthless and just meat sock and then I do think that, like, why not, I have no value but pain (yeah, how like, 17 year old, of me!)
Yanub: Yes, exactly, who else can you dump on - it is just better if you can alternate so one has a bad day while the other takes it, and vice versa, if you BOTH have bad days for some time - watch out!
You do have a lot of value beyond income or jobs or personal relationships--you're an artist with words. You create. Though I know there's not enough time for you to do that. I also know that all your caregivers and doctors are learning from you, and what they apply from that to their interactions is invaluable and benefits people who can't advocate for themselves.
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