Thursday, February 28, 2008

a lesbian breast crisis and the message of the orchids

I have been watching Blood Ties, a supernatural show about a PI Vickie Nelson who takes on a case about what appears to BE a vampire but is actually a demon and meets a in-town vampire named Henry trying to stop it and they team up. Kind of like the show Supernatural with more sex allure and rubbing against each other between the main characters. I watch it before going to bed or when I can’t do anything else. I got it from the UK but it is a Canadian production set in Toronto, very similar to the Vampire/Detective series Forever Knight. Only with these differences:

*In Forever Knight our vampire was 500 years old and somewhat famous/same in Blood Ties only NOW he (Henry) is a Graphic Novel artist(hence, a "cool" vampire).

*In Forever Knight the vampire was turned into a vampire by a MALE who keeps showing up trying to get the vampire back though both are STRAIGHT. The vampire also has a MALE detective partner.

*Blood Ties we have Vicki (Straight HOT female), who is not in the force anymore because she is going blind (at night particularly), but has this “chemistry” with her MALE ex-partner (Mike). So when she hooks up with the MALE vampire (turned into a vampire by a FEMALE) who also is making the moves on her, this has a lot more chemistry – so like a Supernatural version of Bones (plus Vicki ends up with a goth secretary/researcher who wears different corsets every show – woo hoo!).

*So while in Forever Kight, with all these Straight guys standing around, not so interesting.

Last night I was watching an episode and Vicki was going on a jog, her ex-partner Mike joined her, they argued about Henry, and he split off and there she is in view (I think about to see a body or something) but mostly showing off her breasts which were size C or larger and I am thinking, “She has NO support for jogging…I mean, those suckers would be slapping her chin if she started sprinting.”)

Then I sit back in horror. I have stared at boobs and I am thinking, “That is completely improper support” instead of “Oh Boobs!” I am a little worried, concerned. Does this mean my “lesbian” instinct is dead? Is this the sign of my orientation dying out and that soon (shudder), I will start to become INTERESTED instead of averting my eyes when a guy takes off his shirt? It puts me into an orientation anxiety spiral. Luckily there is a scene of the secretary, with her pouty lips in a basque corset and I am all VERY interested in the show (people on the screen talking, will catch up later once corset and pouty lipstick leaves room). So, still a lesbian, only a shiver and a near miss at how my obsession with proper breast support is starting to dominate TOO MUCH of my brain.

Okay, deep breath. I went to boxing tonight with my volunteer aid, who was wearing a t-shirt which said, “Exploited” across her breasts and “”For a good cause” underneath. She saw me reading the t-shirt and said, “It was a charity…”

I put up a hand, “No explanation necessary," I said but thought, “Damn! Why didn’t I get a shirt like that!”

Ian, the coach decided to go out with a bang, which meant we did rounds with 1 minute of sit-ups and push-ups between, no break. Oh boy was my night care and I going to pay for this later. After about 30 minutes I wondered if I would EVER pick up anything with my right arm again (that was after two rounds, three minutes each of “cross punches” with the right). Anyway, I was all a sweat and got the job done but usually on a buzz for a few hours from the class but here, 30 minutes later the pain kicked in. In a hour, by the time night care had come, I had a slump-over.

My care worker did a stroke assessment and my tongue was curled over and I did a half smile and she said that I probably had a TIA which isn’t a slang for sex or anything but some sort of mini-stroke. But the neurologist who treated my grandfather said that while it will often look like TIA's, it is actually a sign of autonomic failure. Well either I am having mini-stokes in my EARLY 30’s (glares around) or I pushed a bit to much and the autonomic part is dropping parts of me (specifically my right side of the face, body, etc). Either way, I am thinking, “This is bad right, mini-strokes?” I mean, they never say, “Yeah, after that stroke, my piano playing REALLY improved.”

Oh well, I like to think of brain damage as just my way for getting ready for US reality TV shows. After that, I felt like someone decided to use the inside of my chest for an impromptu barbecue and my heart monitor showed around 30% erratic heartbeats and then I saw blue (literally). So I thought, well, no time like now to finish that blog. I mean, I could sit here and think about how MANY times I will ask for pain killers tonight or talk about a t-shirt with the word “Exploited” across the breasts; you know what I choose!

A few days ago Linda bought me a stem of orchids in a blue vase saying, “I got these because they remind me of you; beautiful but fragile.” So there was a moment of “Ahhhhh! Today, the orchids are looking decidedly dodgy and I asked Linda, “Was there another message you had with these orchids?”

And she said, “Yeah, they’re dying too!” And then laughed.

I am not sure to be glad that I married someone with a sick sense of humor as me or scared. I mean, she cares...she loves....she laughs maniacally.

11 comments:

Zephyr said...

Maybe she was sending you the message that she likes pussy (since orchids look like vaginas to me).

Lisa Harney said...

Transient ischemic attacks. :( My grandmother had some over the past few months before the stroke that put her in a coma a couple weeks ago - right after the e-mail we exchanged about her, in fact.

I hope you're not having any of those. :( A good doctor would scan your brain to make sure.

Katrin said...

LOL! I like Linda's sense of humour!

I have always thought the act of giving cut flowers to be rather an under lying message because they will die! Yet every time I suggest to someone (in a long term relationship, like married for 25+ yrs) that maybe a living plant might be a better choice, because it won't die and as long as watered and cared for will live for quite a while, and that would better show if the person on the receiving end actaully cared enough to care for a plant, I am poo-pooed. (like I should talk though, I kill plants in a matter of days, black thumb)

Gaina said...

Don't worry, you're not loosing your lesbian groove, you're just viewing sex and sexuality in a different way - that happens when you mature. Sort of 'less titilation, more appreciation'.

My Grandma has had a few mini-stroke and I think the reason she didn't do so well is because she didn't continue to exercise her mind, which if course you definitely do on a regular basis, so I wouldn't worry too much ;).

Dawn Allenbach said...

Why does noticing improper breast support make you think your lesbianistic (yes, I like to make up words) tendencies are slipping? I think it just shows you're not just watching the show for the boobs. You're actually interested in her life events, too. You care that she'll wind up with two black eyes and perhaps a broken nose.

As for the boxing -- MUST you push yourself so hard ALL THE TIME? Are you not even entertaining the thought that there could be a point where you can get the exercise you need/want without going into shut down? I realize there's fine line, but I'll give you a little hint. If a voice in your head asks "should I stop now", the answer is most certainly

YES!!!

Veralidaine said...

I've always subscribed to the "give potatoes to your lovers" theory. They can feed the hungry, they have hundreds of uses, they sprout and grow new fresh green things after a few weeks when flowers would be dead, and nobody really loves them for their beauty- it's about what's inside. Oddly, have not yet had a lover who appreciates the gift of a potato.

Nice jab at US TV, by the way.

Lene Andersen said...

I love Linda.

Am also very fond of Blood Ties - did you read the books? Took 'em long enough to get around to making a TV series, but I'm enjoying it. Can't believe you missed the boobs - they really are quite bodaciously impossible to miss and I'm over on the straight end of the continuum!

cheryl g. said...

I like to watch Blood Ties too and I'll admit to watching so I can ogle the women. Having said that, I also think about the support they need when these women are running or fighting. I have no idea what that says about me.

Whoa, hard core with the boxing. I hope the sweating did the trick so that the pain you put yourself through has some sort of purpose.

You and Linda are definitely 2 halves to a whole... loved the orchid comments!

Elizabeth McClung said...

Zephyr: I don't know but Linda read the blog this morning and said, "What do you think about Zephyrs comment" and I was like, "What do YOU think about her comment." So maybe I am getting some tomorrow.

Lisa: Oh, cool, more medical jargon, oh, leading to coma, not so cool. Um, Linda is going to mention it to the neurologist and my GP.

Linda: Yeah, Linda has developed a "nice girl" look but has a pretty twisted humor at times. I agree, living plants are good, unless they die - because you don't want to give like a plant to celebrate someone getting together and their union and have it die a month later in the pot.

Gaina: Yes, I guess, and I suppose you could consider evaluating whether TV characters are wearing the right bra for them a TYPE of being mentally active.

Dawn: Yes, I like the way you think, I was just going, "how impractical" like when you go past one of the women who are wearing $500 of lulu lemon yoga clothes to go sweat in - seems a mixed message, I exercise in clothes that can take abuse, not my most expensive.

In my defence in boxing, I was sort of expecting a break, but it just seemed like "one more round" and "one more round" until it turned out that it was 35 minutes without a single break. And yeah, vain and not going to say, "Maybe I should chill on this one" while OTHER people are still able to keep going becuase they will replace the bits of me I break with bionic parts right? My volunteer was like, "So is it like tearing a muscle?" and I said, "Well, yes, except it is about 100 muscles and already individual muscles and strands are going into spasm and at night if I take off my nightie it will look like snakes fighting under my skin." - so will see if she comes back.

Actually the voice usually says, "Gosh, can't you do more? You're SO weak! Suck it up!" - I call this the 'Drill Sgt.' Voice.

Veralidaine: I think you have cornered the market on the potato for love idea - don't think you have to worry about Hallmark stealing that away for valintines.

As for the US TV jab, while I was getting a cleaning they had on a reality show on some island (survivor island?), and everyone just was neurotic and self absorbed mixed with ritualized games of humiliation. And I thought, "Wow, didn't we used to make fun of the Japanese for having these EXACT shows about 15 years ago?"

Also, inside a potato is just MORE potato right, or do you have some special potatoes?

Lene: I love Linda too as I actually remembered a LESS directly harsh version so I asked her before she went to bed, what was it you said, and she said, the "both dying" line and then laughed again. Skary!

Yes, well I am on the first few episodes, I don't know if I read the books, it does remind me of some I read but will have to check. I got it becuase they put the set out in the UK - I guess one day I will get a TV, and then be found infomercialed into unconsciousness.

Cheryl: I have to admit I like Vicki, but I really like seeing what particular corset the secretary will have on each show and will it show her midriff. And there is the big tease as she has Henry who she rubs up agianst and 'models' for, and then Mike who she spills her secrets and eats chinese with - so I am assuming she has to have sex sometime in her life. My night care person read it and laughed going "oh you describe HER as HOT and the guys as just "Mike" not "Tall and broad shouldered Mike" and I shrugged and said, "They're guys, I mean, what's to say." And yeah, except for problems speaking, I am in better shape now (in pain but in better shape).

Lisa Harney said...

Well, she had a stroke, it's not that any stroke you have after a TIA will put you into a coma. My grandmother was also dealing with end-stage kidney failure and the complications from that (as well as her refusal to go on dialysis). Still, if you're having events that could be TIAs, it wouldn't be a bad plan to have an EEG or cat scan or whatever they do to scan your brain and look for evidence of damage from a stroke.

I'm sorry, I should have been more careful about referring to a coma as a possible consequence.

Marla said...

Linda is an angel. I bet the flowers were beautiful.