Thursday, February 07, 2008

Free at Last... plus sex, pain, poles and Danger Girl

While I am free to come and go from my apartment, tomorrow Juan de Fuca home support has decided to stage some training on oxygen. They decided to stage it at my apartment and called me today to tell me it would take an hour. I told my careworker, “Well, Nurse E. and Nurse H. said it will only be a half hour last week so I am outta here after that.” She just gave a slow shake of her head. What? They can determine long the training will take place in someone else’s apartment? And not only that, they use MY oxygen and my body? For as long as they want? Hey, I have had offers to do that: sometimes on a stage with a pole sometimes up in a room but the offer was, a LOT of money. And from what I understand, this particular medical gang-bang offers no pay for me AT ALL (THEY all get paid however, does that seem a little backward?).

I spent so much time just trying to get free and get up to boxing (and a new volunteer to help me, which turned into a 6 page and extra hour orientation nightmare), that I haven’t had time to think dirty thoughts much less act on them. No breasts, no corset, nada. There is something seriously wrong with my life when I actually KNOW the name of various Fire Inspectors and spend more time calling them, talking to them and thinking about them than movies, manga, anime or even my trip to Japan. Linda and I have the thousand yard stare as we prepare to slide into another weekend where we will swear (as we have for the last four weekends) that THIS week is the week Elizabeth has NO appointments and recovers. Except I already have a Monday and Wednesday appointment and two Tuesday appointments which will take all day. I seriously do not know how other people have the time and energy to be a person with disability. I can’t hack it, let me back into the able bodied world. Today, I went to bed just after 3:00 pm with the phone beside the bed (expecting two calls) and stayed there mostly unconscious until I was helped out when my night care worker came at 6:00. I was like, “If anyone wants to see me….they can break down the door.”

Wait, that’s not true, I have been thinking dirty thoughts or at least attempting to think dirty thoughts. I promised to deliver a couple stories on queer horror. I was like, no problem. Most people think my stories are horror while I think they are full of normal, cute humans that I see all around me. Different points of view I guess. So, having some lesbian love in a horror story is just up my alley. Only the actual story I have to deliver is queer EROTIC horror. And quite honestly, I am crap at erotica. I mean, for one novel, I had this male character and tried to write a hetero love scene and people at the college thought it was parody and were killing themselves laughing. Okay, that’s a tiny clue that maybe you don’t do the erotic well.

But hey, pro writer here, I WILL get that erotic element down, it is just now I need a lesbian erotic story which is ALSO a horror story? Those are two completely different rhythms of stories. Like Anais Nin writing a story about the ocean waves lapping on the wading girl’s labia……and then the shark rips off a leg! So my head is in a pretty weird space right now as I am going, “What if one of them was really into scars......or if one of the girls was dead and was carried around in a footlocker, would that still be a relationship?” I don’t want to do the road of the movie KISSED and do the same old girl loves dead people story. BORING! I know there is a belief overseas that all us Canadians are major pervs (Crash anyone, actually, all of Cronenberg!)

I am thinking of walling people up and kissing them, I am thinking of bugs in the vagina, I am thinking of how the hell do you make a horror story erotic? Someone said Vampires but I am NOT doing any BDSM, and no BDSM vampire crap because while I know people and understand why they do, I don’t, and I am not going to exploit something when I don’t understand it for myself (when I do and am part of it, heck, I’ll exploit it over and over!).

I am thinking about my own past and this particular girl I had a major crush on I call, Danger Girl. She not only ended up with (all) my money but also got me as a teen in clubs sitting next to hard criminals and on boats where they cut drugs. I was into her, everyone was into her, and she knew it. Anyway, she used to use me to tease her boyfriend when she wanted things from him (“Use me!” I was begging inside, “And then use me some more!”) and then we would listen to Tracy Chapman all day. Anyway, she is for me eroticism wrapped up in a nice twisted amoral package (it isn’t like she didn’t like me, is it just she got bored.....quickly). So maybe I can do something with that. It is thanks to her I DIDN’T end up going with another danger girl who could act the nicey nice (while rolling her eyes) and then her hobby, Demolition Derby, as a TEEN. Yeah, no edge on that girl at all. She had invisible razor blades all over her.

So, that’s what I think about these days, any story ideas are welcome. I believe if you listen to the characters they will tell you the story, it is just, do I really want to go down those roads Danger Girls wants to take me? Because I did some BAD things when I was with her, and naughty things, and got kicked out of places; I had NEVER been kicked out of places before much less seen as “your type” before (as in “We don’t need ‘your type’ here you psycho girls). She would get two guys with prison tats all hepped on her and then turn them against each other to see what would happen, and drag me along as comfort confidant. Yup, THAT girl.

Well, I know who I’ll be dreaming of tonight.............errrr, LINDA, that is what I was going to say, LINDA (deep breaths).


shiva said...

Hmmm. I'm finding it hard to imagine erotica and horror in the same story without some element of something that could be described as BDSM. But, maybe i'm using a much broader definition of BDSM than you are...

Unless you do a story where the erotica and the horror are completely opposed to each other - using the sort of dissonance you mentioned with the waves/shark idea. Like, you have two people in a really sexy, really loving, really positive queer relationship, but something horrific intrudes into and destroys that... and you could make the horrific thing represent homophobia or heteronormativity somehow...

Anyway, WTF i'm doing trying to give a published novelist advice about fiction i don't know. I can come up with *ideas* for stories ten a day,but can't actually write fiction to save my life. Bleh...

Congratulations on getting your house situation (semi-)sorted, anyway. Are the local press and TV station still interested in getting involved?

Lisa Harney said...

Horror erotica does sound a bit painful to write. Most examples I've read have really failed as anything more than an attempt to shock the reader (I wish I could remember the title of that "Vampire erotica" collection White Wolf published - perhaps better described as "explicit snuff porn").

Not as a suggestion, I just wish I could remember so I can warn people off should they find an old copy malingering about in a used bookstore or on Amazon.

If Juan de Fuca wants to take up your time, body, and oxygen for training, they should at least pay you a good wage for it, definitely. It seems they're making things harder on you deliberately.

Perhaps you could write your building manager into a story, as a victim who's terrifying death would be tragic if we didn't all hate her?

And then the lovers of the story can do what lovers do when faced with their own mortality!

KateJ said...

Maybe you should set yourself up as a trainer on disability. Of course it's probably different in Canada but over here (UK) what with the Disability Rights legislation a lot of organisations have been running disability awareness training for their staff. I went on a really great course, and the two trainers were a blind guy and a woman with MS who is a wheelchair user. They were absolutely brilliant, no-nonsense trainers, and both were paid a proper lecturer's rate for their time and expertise (I asked).
Sounds like some of these so-called care agencies and government departments you deal with could do with such training. You'd do it with real style, too!
Actually, reminds me of some mental health "user-led" training I went on once, where the trainer arrived as "Dr Beverly Crusher" in full Star Trek uniform and proceeded to check us all out with her tri-corder.

cheryl g. said...

Grrrr... petty despots from Juan de Fuckup home support. It just pisses me off when groups that are supposed to be focused on the clients well-being dictate things instead of asking.

The appointments amaze me. Here we have the medical establishment and by their actions in setting all these appointments without allowing you sufficient recovery time, they are actually doing harm to you. Hello? "First Do No Harm"... I mean that's the first thing that was drummed into us at med school. Let me guess, if you were to say, suggest that an appointment be rescheduled since you had another before and needed recovery time... the response would be something like that's the only time possible without rescheduling for months later. (Yeah, I was in med school for a time - long story which I'll tell you later.)

Ummm yeah, Danger Girl. Here's a tip for everyone. Don't get arrested when your dad's the county jailer. Not good...

Veralidaine said...

Oh dear. I am going to think about lesbian erotic horror all day now.

Hmmm... Zombie love? It'd be a twist on the loves corpses thing... or maybe a nice normal girl who falls for a serial killer? Lesbian werewolves? (EWW hairy boobs!)

elizabeth said...

I've no clue. But you should share the "parody" hetero story. That could be fun.

Neil said...

Hold on here. Juan de Fuca are training their people to deal with you? Or are they training their people for their own purposes, using you as a guinea pig?

If it's the latter, I'd be locking the apartment as they arrived, saying "Sorry but (X) made an appointment for me without consulting me. Gotta run. Bye!"

If theyre training YOUR workers to dal with YOU, that's a whole 'nother bag of cats. I would think that's a good thing, actually.

Cheers to all.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Shiva: you are completely right, there has been a wackload of sci-fi BDSM erotic stuff coming out like the Ariel series (she's like a polical player who gets erotic pleasure from being whipped, cut and beaten - which also allows her to get info from high figures who like to whip cut and beat) and the vampire/werewolf Laurell series are all BDSM overtones.

Actually right now I would like to have 10 ideas a day....I just need to find a story that I can put myself into - mean in some ways isn't Batman Begins erotic horror? Or is that a stretch?

Lisa: Yes, I have the same problem, most of it just doesn't grip and I am loathe to write something that doesn't make people all twisty inside. Also the problem is that I am pretty scientific and I find the sort of flirting more erotic to read and write than the actual deed because I don't use words like "Her flower" or "Her special place" nor do people want to read erotica that sounds like a medical textbook.

KateJ: I like your thinking. I had some friends that did that for female activism and things like male aggression in the workplace and how to make a gender comfortable environment.

That mental health course sounds like it was a bit of a blast (postitively).

Cheryl: Yes, I agree on what happened to "Do no harm" but I think this is all part of the non-connected health care so all anyone cares about is thier inch, so if tech support wants to do something on Tuesday, they don't care how much you have done monday or are going to do Wednesday, they have already decided on Tuesday and so YOU MUST make room because they have a busy schedule and you did want this test, medical appointment, blood results, meeting with guy who could get you part time job (maybe) in government, speech therapist, volunteer aide, right?

Also, yeah, getting arrested when Dad is jailer is probably worse than coming out when father is your girlfriend's church.

Veralidaine: there are worse things to think about, just try to shut it off before you go to bed, thinking that as you drift to sleep makes for not nice dreams. Okay, good ideas, Zombies, werewolves. Actually for some reason right now I am thinking of a setting, which is both horror and love; in Dachau.

Elizabeth: if I can dig it up, I will, since the guy actually was having sex with a ghost woman, so I was trying to make her all ethereal and crap like that. Sigh.

Veralidaine said...

Ooh! Curses! Curses are always good... how about a lesbian couple in Dachau (wherever that is... I'm American, I stink at Geography!) on the run from an ancient curse that follows them around causing various scary things to happen?

Mummies? There could be mummies... or they could be running from the ghost of Jerry Falwell...

Plague is fun, too, especially combined with zombies...

Elizabeth McClung said...

Veralidaine: was a Nazi concentration camp where medical experiments were carried out (like drowning women to find out how long it takes people to drown in various degrees of water and then resusitating them). So we have horror, and then we just need romance between these two doomed woman and a story, something more than just medical torture.

This is more up my alley, that horror is just people acting like....people.

Dawn Allenbach said...

". . . the same old girl loves dead people story"

What the heck DO you Canadians watch/read? :-)

I've written a bit of what my friend Jonikka calls "gimp hotness" if you want to see it.

When I hear "erotic horror" I think Laurell K. Hamilton. Ever read her? I don't consider LKH as horror, but I guess booksellers consider it horror if it has vamps, werewolves, and zombies. There's sex, but not in a horror sense. It gets rowdy and really like WHOA sometimes, but it's consensual and not with the creepy serial killer. Scary sex would be more like rape, and I'm totally NOT into that.

Marla said...

I saw that movie where the girl likes dead bodies, I mean really likes them. It was kinda silly and not too exciting.

I don't have time for many dirty thoughts lately either! It is sad when you have to try and make time for dirty thoughts!

I think it is pretty bad they are insisting on you being the oxygen model! Ugh. Apparently, you don't have anything better to do according to them.

Elizabeth McClung said...

DAwn: I liked Laurell in her early books but then is was "oh, shall I do THIS threesome or THAT threesome" until some books were just vague bits of plot with four pages of some sweaty vampire holding her paralyzed with his lusty look. Also a tinge of BDSM, particularly amoung the werewolves if I remember.

I do want to see some "gimp hotness" very much, as I haven't really don't much falling in love as a PWD more like girl talks to guy, guys turns out to be devotee stalker, girl puts out restraining order, girl finds her email box full of guys saying they would love a picture of her legs and how much atrophy is there in them? So, not planning on using that as EROTIC....maybe horror?

Raccoon said...

my bookstore considers Laurell to be more fantasy. Except for her other series, which the manager calls "fairy porn."

But, yeah. A lot of of "vampire romance" and "supernatural romance" and "paranormal romance" out there right now. Most of it is probably formula, which means if you skim through half a dozen you memorize the formula.

Of course, what's the big difference between Romance & Erotica? Especially in the vampires/supernatural/paranormal/horror romance genre?

Rewrite "the eye" as lesbian gimp?

I once gave a talk at my nursing agency (almost 8 years ago now -- I hired my own staff about six years ago). They were shocked at the idea that quadriplegics could have sex. And really squicked out when I said that I might have to call them in to help with rearranging limbs.

Raccoon said...

make the doctor at Dachau a woman who keeps her sexuality a secret (I believe homosexuals were one of the Nazi "undesirables") who falls in love with a Jewess. Or just a lesbian doctor who likes performing various experiments on her female subjects while having sex with them...

shiva said...

Wouldn't that still be (albeit nonconsensual) BDSM?

Actually, the concentration camp idea reminded me of the "Valerie" section in Alan Moore's graphic novel V for Vendetta. Which is erotic in a very moving way, but also, of course, deeply horrific - but the erotica and the horror are against each other, if you see what i mean.

Actually, i'm thinking that the only way to put horror and erotica into one story and fit your terms is to make the erotic side something positive which is the force against the horror, whatever anti-love or anti-sex force that is.

Religious conspiracy (Catholic church that really serves Satan or something like that, or else some God-is-really-the-bad-guy Gnostic stuff a la Pullman) creates an evil, authoritarian mystical entity, like a sort of ghost/demon crusader, to destroy queer love and sex? Future dystopia in which sex for any purpose except reproduction is banned and those who have sex for love and/or pleasure are hunted down and tortured for it? Sounds a bit cliche tho...

Elizabeth McClung said...

Raccoon: because of my past, I am not going to be writing non-consentual sex scenes, it just isn't my bag; but there were actually several romances which occured in concentration camps, sometimes love notes were left carved in holding cells before executions. But I still think Dachau is my place, as it is so very "human", I mean I could make it Gitmo except they aren't holding women yet and I am not sure if I could pull of a gay love scene (I've Genet and that but failure at hetero love scenes say stick with what you know).

Shiva: I tend not to view forced medical experiments as part of BDSM. I mean, I knew a couple in the UK who used to amputate bits of the female and keep them in jars as part of sex play but that was consentual.

As soon as I thought of Dachau I thought of V for Vendetta which made me want to do it all the more because my personal feelings is that Moore did something rather horrid there, combining the idea of "pure female love unadulterated by men" with the idea of the uberman, the person who with a darwinian twist, because they survive has become something more, something superior.

The real trick will be making the reader like them, like all of them, the medical scientists, they people who do nothing while others are tortured, and those who are tortured. That will be hard enough to be worth writing. Maybe you are write and the best way to do that is to make the medical experiments EROTIC, to make the reader complicit in thier enjoyment.

I want the reader's eyes to bleed...I want them to vomit as they see thier own face in the page.

Elizabeth McClung said...

God, what spelling errors in the previous comment, well, not my best day truth be told, so I hope you can figure out what I was TRYING to say.