The day is done and here I am drinking a cold North Carolina Cheerwine in the bottle, as sent to me by Alphabitch. A horrid day filled with a few acts of defiance and one of inspired kidnapping.
I woke to “Oh God” which is where my hands are claws, I am in so much pain I talk like Nina Simone after a night of drinking (raspy), and I sort of rock back and forth. I wanted to return to bed only this was shower day and so far, assisted showing and mewling in bed don’t work together. So I had Orange Juice and Opiates: The breakfast of Champions. It took 20 minutes for the pain killers to kick in and I was still dodgy during shower time which meant my hand couldn’t hold on to the shower wand.
So, what does any person in this much pain and dysfunction facing a two hour doctor’s appointment, a writing assignment and a dental cleaning do? They wear a corset of course. I realized that BECAUSE my home care person was here to dress me, I could wear a corset and get them to zip me up in the back. I had a blue brocade one I hadn’t worn in months. Add my Victoria Secret hoodie for the crisp sunny day and I was set. And you know what, looking good doesn’t actually make you feel “good” exactly but it can make you feel sexy AND in a lot of pain (which is WAY better than just “in a lot of pain”).
By the time I gotten half way to the GP, I had the hoodie off and was flying down the hills, playing my trance tunes on my MP3 player and getting a) WAY more guys in cars/trucks stopping to let me go first (Oh men....seen so many boobs yet still happy to see more), b) half the women saying, “Great top!” and c) the other half saying, “I feel cold just looking at you.” Well, that is the advantage of extreme heat intolerance and not sweating, I dress sexy in Feb., while I pass out in June.
The doctor’s appointment was a bust; it was sort of a “hey, there are going to be a bunch of tests coming up” and do you REALLY have a needle phobia and do we REALLY need anesthetic for some of these tests? (answer to both: Yes) I told him that a) I am taking a vacation and b) My health is getting worse BECAUSE of these tests so he and the specialists need to decide what really IS important because I can’t do this one a day stuff anymore. Also, I demanded another holter test because the one the cardiologist is using for my condition is from April and shows 12 seconds of erratics. I said that as he, my GP, had checked my pulse for a total of two minutes in our history and seen and heard erratics, that old Holter test was dangerously erroneous information if I am having autonomic failure AND it is targeting my heart FIRST. He felt my pulse for about 20 seconds and then said, “There’s one.” (erratic) I told him with the hours of erratics at night and early morning I felt the last Holter Heart Monitor reading was off not by 100 times more erratics (meaning 100 erratics now for each recorded in April) but a factor of 1,000 or more. He prioritized that. But I get no neuro painkiller until I see the neurologist to find out how my neuro system is screwed and why the pain is happening to make sure the neuro blocker doesn’t destroy MORE of my system. Yeah, yeah, but me still in pain?
At one point he said, “How can it be destroying BOTH your central AND peripheral neural systems?” I told him I was completely up for a re-diagnosis of MS! He gave a tired smile and then went on about how he cannot see any way it could be POTS (the good kind of autonomic failure). Which we established months ago...keep up doc!
Linda at this point, before me returning to sleep to rise, a zombie in search of dental scaling and cleaning, kidnapped me. She did so because it was a sunny day and we had peanuts (No, I am NOT having an squirrel orgasm in the picture - it just looks that way).
Indeed for normal people it was the type of sunny day for which Victoria gets the reputation of smug, annoying west coasters who post pictures of the beautiful flowers already coming up while the rest of the country is under snow and ice. Yeah, what kind of person would be so obsessed about taking such pictures to send to relatives in Manitoba, Sask, and other icy climes? (No need for pressure me to tell – it was Linda! Get her!)
Anyway, I was back in the park but a couple minutes when the first squirrel to notice me was one who obviously remembered me, the chair, the corset the whole deal because he came full out like a race horse. None of the typical little hops and then check the surrounding area with a head high for this black squirrel (is that you Psycho? Why are you so thin?), but just straight at me, full speed. He climbed the leg before sitting almost in my lap (don’t you think we should date first?).
He took the first peanut and started to eat it there, I fed him another. And then he was off, dashing away again, not to be seen again. I see that this particular squirrel sees me in the category of “friend with benefits” since his style of cruise ‘em, use ‘em, and lose ‘em left me feeling a bit……used. Oh but when it comes to squirrel love, I am a slut; I let them eat in bed, and leave me covered in peanut shells, just keep coming back (no, I don’t need more human friends, why do you ask?).
Once the Squirrel Grapevine got around I had them lining up to take from me; this is just a sample of the video I will try to finish over the weekend so I can do a full squirrel video and round up next week, when I am not in such a “Uggggg....must eat brains” zombie mindset.
I met a new squirrel who was not only twitchy but actually a neurotic athlete. Just to point out, neither the black or the grey squirrels are “flying squirrels” who can open their paws to glide. No, this grey, after climbing Mt. Beth for peanuts, decided to use up his extra energy (do I detect a teenager squirrel here?), by leaping off of my knee. Okay, not that big a deal, a lot of squirrels leap instead of crawl down. This however was the first squirrel to leap HORIZONTALLY and actually made a little over six feet as he landed out of camera range.
I am left with a stupefied (and stupid) expression on my face as my nice “let’s all have a picnic” turned into the squirrel version of Mission Impossible in less than a second. In the video (next week) you can see him tearing past me at high speed as if he was expecting to be chased by police cars or something. Well, it takes many different squirrels to make the world turn; the polite, the users of innocent and emotionally vulnerable wheelchair girls (I’m looking at you Psycho!), the skittish, the neurotic and one squirrel we met today with a NEW disorder: agoraphobia. Not the best phobia to have if you want peanuts, the guy latched onto Linda and there was some weird squirrel mothering going on between them as he would only come out of the bush a LITTLE for her. I keep telling her she oozes ‘mothering.’ She says she took a test a work today, which concluded she is a “Nurturer”, and “even animal will be able to detect this trait.”
So if she is a “Nurturer” does that make me a “Vending Machine?” By the time I got home it was spasms, claw hands and the pain shudders, so after some pain meds I lay down for a couple hours of which I hope I slept some and then off to the dentist. I only passed out once, but lost eyesight in one eye and faded in and out. Who knew that getting stabbed by sharp implements a couple hundred times in the gums and having a mouth full of blood could be kind of taxing on the system? I told them that I wasn’t sure why I was so into getting my teeth in good condition (she said mine were tip top now), but at least if I die soon, if my mouth drops open in the casket during the funeral people will say, “Wow, she really kept good care of her teeth!”
There was some nervous, ‘you’re kind of creepy’ laughter. And I smiled, and Linda pushed me to the car, pretty much carried me in and then carried me inside the apartment and more meds.
There I started immediately on the final draft of a writing piece I had PROMISED to finish today for international women’s day (well actually promised to finish a few days ago but hey…). After nine edits of three drafts it was done. And now, my bottle of cheer wine is empty and so am I. Tomorrow, a new day, and hopefully a new corset (and better matched socks!).
I made it!
6 hours ago