I do not do well with conflict and I do not like conflict. This may surprise you since I am calling up Fire Inspectors (after waiting THREE DAYS), I am exposing Triumph (Hey, when someone treats me like a lab rat, I strike back!), and I talk back to medical specialists. But having said all that, I WANT a calm life, I want a nice part time job where I am liked, a quiet apartment where I have friends and to be treated with respect. Most of the conflict recently has been around being treated worse than most people would treat their enemies and having people consider it normal because I am disabled or in a wheelchair (how many of you would really make someone you don't like CRAWL for long distances?).
Today, the alternative Victoria paper did an article on how the Fire Inspectors can’t levy any fines or ensure tenant safety and they mentioned me as an example (and printed the picture of the notice I put on my door). Well, my manager Fran, as I was showing a new care giver the laundry room was at the end of the hallway with the paper in her hand and blood in her eyes. When she saw my care giver she backed off but when my care giver came back up she said that Fran had followed her in and was complaining about scratches on the door on how I must have caused them and now SHE would have to paint them. Then tonight, the assistant manager, who we have had good relationship with for over a year and a half has turned sort of icy (and rude) and now we decided we need to meet her tomorrow to find out if it was just a bad day or if there is a new and real problem. I just want to live someone safe, and quiet and where I can come and go. Do I make a stink that our elevator always misses the floors by a few inches? No. Or that the laundry room has a little step up and the narrower door than my bathroom door? No. I can deal with that, I can go with the flow. When Linda came home from work Fran gave her the “wouldn’t it be nice if YOUR head exploded” look too (and Linda says, "She virtually snarled at me"). But I have decided that we should have a meeting with Fran AND the owner (or representative) because all we wish for is basic tenant rights and to be able to give them money every month. I would think it would be in her best interest to make sure that quiet and dependable tenants whose checks don’t bounce would be able to come and go with ease and everyone is happy.
Then there are the appointments. There is usually SO much conflict with each appointment or a waste of time and energy that just the word “appointment” is full of negativity. I have another appointment which was made today with the Neurologist Dr. A. The same neurologist that originally confirmed my GP’s diagnosis that I was suffering from PTSD. Later who concluded I DID have autonomic failure but when she said she needed to find out what test there was for heat intolerance and I would pull out a sheet saying “It is called XXXXX and it is done in Vancouver.” She would throw it in the trash…in front of me. Then she couldn’t be reached for over four months. Now, after the Vancouver Clinic has said I have to be prioritized, it turns out that the head of the clinic was her teacher and NOW, this week, once they decided I NEED to go to the clinic she is saying that as she has been trained by that teacher, SHE, Dr. A., is qualified to do the tests. This would be the same neurologist, Dr. A., who said my “neural system was perfectly intact” though the conduction test has now proved it is not, and now SHE wants to the follow up tests? Do I see conflict? Do YOU see conflict?
Then we have the heart specialist who refuses to see me because I have needle phobia and won’t obey him, so he won’t treat me or order tests. Except now he has Dr. A. on his back saying, “Hello, she is probably dying and do you want to keep your medical license?” (I can only imagine what one needs to say to a heart specialist to make them do things quickly which doesn’t involve dynamite: Or as the nuclear medicine techs said when I said, “Have you ever met God, my heart specialist?” And they laughed and say, “Oh YES, we have met cardiac specialists….”) So, the specialist is STILL saying that my needle phobia can be cured with a couple valium and my GP is saying, no we need an anesthesiologist. When I have the meeting with the Cardiac Specialist who told me, less than three weeks after an epee competition and less than three months after going to nationals that I was passing out and had hypo-tension because I was lazy and sat around on the couch all day, do you think there might be conflict? Do you like being told your problems are because you are lazy and thus he is not going to even bother testing for them. And then, almost a year later, finding out that you are not lazy, you are dying, you STILL can’t get an appointment to have heart testing when your heart is failing, might there be conflict?
When I found out today that the reason RN manager H. from Juan de Fuca resisted my getting Task 2 for oxygen was because every worker who works with someone who has a Task 2 gets paid more money (as in, make sure people don’t get task 2 and you save the company money), did I feel the six months and 60 hours of meetings were about my care or about being a “good company manager?” Why is the RN, the head of the LPN’s also the person who denies care in order to keep the company in the black? Is it like those doctors who spend all day denying coverage for HMO’s – what part of their oath is covered with that?
I just want a life where people might come to my aid at the sight of obvious injustice as I do when I see it in other’s lives. I don’t want to be at war with people because if I am not, then they are risking, not my opinion but the care which continues the support of my medical condition. Do I want a noise row with neighbors if I need to sleep? Does stress affect my strength and pleasure of life? Does knowing that every time I leave my apartment I have to carry a recorder in case I run into Fran make my life better or instead produce more stomach acid? And honestly, I DO NOT want to file a human rights complaint against Fran. That is simply because I don’t want to spend a year or what strength and time I have proving what I know, that she has some issue with disabled people (maybe because they might chip the paint), and that she is a bigot. Why can she not just leave me in peace?
Okay, that was a bit of a rant and feel free to add your own; it is just, when I was able bodied, I felt more secure in facing off against bullies. But now, Fran wishes to evict me or move me to where she can bully me BECAUSE I am sick and weak? That is twisted. Specialists and Care Companies care more about profit and their ego and not looking bad in front of their old teacher than the patient who is in desperate need of care?
I am just tired. Tired of being afraid. Tired of another meeting, another conflict, another blaring sound attack through the wall, another glare and stare and blocking my wheelchair, tired of it all. But it seems, the only victory they will accept is…..what? My death? I was not born a bully and I do not like having to say, “Back off because what you are doing is illegal and I WILL file a suit against you.” And I don’t like having to do it EVERY WEEK!
47 minutes ago