Friday, December 28, 2007

The post that starts X-rated and ends with wholesomeness

I should start off by warning you that this is an X-rated post, maybe NC-17.

What do you do when you're screwed up and you don’t know what else TO do? I just do one thing at a time and I try to think “What would ‘good Beth’ do?” So yesterday afternoon/evening, the wind and rain storm notwithstanding we went up to the Y and did an aerobic workout on the hydraulic weight machines. Those specific machines mean, I have an easy wheelchair transfer and weight is added or removed by a push of your thumb (or in my case, a shove of the elbow when the thumb don’t work). There are lots of ways to pull and push and do a high rep upper body workout. On a few machines I was having hand problems and used my forearms to push instead. Then we had SEX right THERE on the floor of the Y. No, we didn’t but you are probably wondering why this is an NC-17 post.

Well first it is the NEW link to my blog which was added TODAY from Cameraphone movies which is a blog about where to get explicit hardcore porn for free. And I guess this is about how, even when you try to do things like go and do weights and spend time with Linda watching Oklahoma (which appears to have been MADE for a gay male choir – since in the ‘burlesque’ dance routine, it screamed ‘DRAG!” Maybe because I had actually seen two of the dresses in the set on the Halloween pics of gay guys from a LGBT forum I go to) bad stuff still happens. As I woke up this morning to an assault for about 3 hours from various directions of “Why aren’t you doing what I want you to do.” With an extra bit of guilt or obligation or pity thrown in but it all still ended up being: “I want you to do/act/speak this way for me and you not doing it right now makes you bad.” So when I found out I was getting hits from a page filled with pictures and films of people getting cocks from behind, above, below, underwater, etc. I just had to laugh. It turns out that I am the number two google search for “voyeur masturbation” which linked to my post about the day I taught a underage child the word “masturbation” by accident and then passed out while doing disabled sailing (not a HARDCORE sex post).

It was not in the section: Hardcore Fucking or in Hardporn, but a new blogging section and it even had a full paragraph from the post about me starting to lose consciousness at sea. Above the post were 9 films of “Hardcore Fucking” and below the paragraph were three to four pictures of a woman taking a cock in her mouth.

I said to Linda. “Look, someone added a link to me.” And she said, “Oh my!" Then I showed her the pictures below my paragraph, “OH MY!” If you want to see the link and where my work ends up, it is here – but I did warn you. In an unrelated fact, for reasons I am still unclear on, there are MANY links to my blog over the course of this year from a site called Penislinks.

Aside from the fact I was sort of hoping for the New York Times rather than sex phone camera movies, I actually DO blog about sex; there is Swimming with the Dolphins, my rather detailed guide to a vibrator for fatigue disabled females (With PICTURES!). There are explicit posts on Vibrator shopping for lesbians (namely…US), my musing on a decision to go into sex work, a post on female sexual fantasies, including some of mine as well as my male GP’s instruction on how I SHOULD be masturbating. I’ve written about incest and about one of my own sexual abuse ‘experiences’ (which freed me finally from years of nightmares). There are posts of ‘real conversations’ about vibrators from a lesbian household (again US), I’ve written about the effects of incest as well as my favorite; last Xmas’ post: Female Masturbation and why it is a GOOD thing.

I like to think I am as sex positive as I can be (not blogging about sex with other people because I am in a long term monogamous relationship). I just have to wonder why THAT post, about disabled sailing ends up between the penis up the butt and the penis in the mouth pictures?

See, by this time, you are getting the NC-17 aspect of the post, yeah? So, okay, still trying to do the ‘right’ things, pretending to be upbeat but not really happening. There were however two things in the darkness that have made a difference. The first is the link from THIS POST from Gaina over at The Mouth On Wheels which features one of my favorite characters with his exuberance over his…um….hobby. And Linda sitting there beside me, watching with a puzzled expression, and NOT GETTING it made me laugh so hard I had problems breathing. Linda now claims that she did ‘get it’ part way through but that she didn’t feel it was the ‘right way’ for the character to act. I think that kind of na├»ve ‘well, I’m not going to laugh at THAT’ is even funnier because on the same day she brought back an entire backpack of explicit Yaoi (male/male love) and Yuri (female/female love) manga for me (true love!). Watch it and see.

The second thing to make me laugh was someone whose life must be even MORE screwed up than mine because I got a search hit from an official government computer. And not just an official government computer but from It really boggles my mind that my blog is still rated as ‘work safe’ by the US government. Anyway, the search they made was “revealing secrets questioning under sedation” which got them my post titled: Very unexpected side effects of oral sedation. This post was the one about my oral surgery and being put out and how as soon as I was high as a kite and my consciousness, my inhibition and my higher brain function all said “bye-bye” and I start telling everyone about my brother and how he “sexually abused me when I was a prepubescent.” Later I rambled on for 15 minutes about some wacky theory that had popped into my head. Obviously, this was NOT was the searcher wanted to read because he read the entire post twice. And I had to laugh (just a little) because whatever problems I have, anyone who is at N.A.S.A. and is doing searches for “revealing secrets questioning under sedation” is not getting good sleep at night. So yeah, probably having a worse day than me….just by reading my blog. I have an image of a very tense guy, with some very bad secret reading my post and just saying over and over again, “Oh My God! I am a dead man…..okay, next search ‘How far to Cuba?’”

To end the day, I thought you might want a taste of that wholesomeness which is Linda; that gosh darn true innocence which comes from clannish country living. I was city girl, she was farm. She thought nude statues in museums were “pornography.” Now she takes me in my wheelchair to see the Rodin exhibit of the very statues that she REFUSED to have, “in my living room….where anyone could see” when we first moved in together (I love that about you Linda! You knew how you felt, and were willing to try, just a little…for me). Here is a film she made this summer from a Mennonite Heritage Museum Festival near her ‘farm home’ about the way things were done in ‘Ye Olden Days’ – it is a short music video and though it REEKS of wholesomeness, it is a very entertaining watch (and none of THESE people are probably worrying about what they might reveal to the government under sedation).


ms.cripchick said...

you are FABULOUS!! i'm excited to go and read all your old posts you just linked, don't know how i missed the dad sex work conversation. :P

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Elizabeth, this make me so angry. Having been on my blog, you know that I'm a bit "sex pos" myself. And I know a thing or two about the underworld of the internet. [insert as innocent a look as possible, checks to see if anyone in the room is buying it]

If I saw you as someone who was vulnerable, I'd be even more angry...but "vulnerable" is not a word to be used to describe you. I think I'm angry because what you are doing here, IMHO, is pretty f'ing important. Seeing assholes attempt to trivialize links to your blog with shit like that.... Gah.

I like that you are calling them on it. I hope this is not discouraging to you.

I could write a *really* long diatribe about men/women, power & sexuality but I'll save it for my own blog some day.

really big hugs,

Dirty Butter said...

LOL I have no desire to follow any of your links, but will let my imagination take care of the rest for me. I'm more like Linda in my upbringing, and attitude towards what is appropriate. But you are a hoot, girl!!

I wish for you a good day, when your body doesn't fight you every time you try to do something.

cheryl g. said...

So I'm not the only one who checks in from a US Gov. address...

Sometimes the filters at work block you and sometimes they don't - go figure.

Great video!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who wakes up and talks during sedation. I really feel sorry for the NASA guy, at least I don't have any government secrets.

Now I know why sedation doesn't work for me, though. Waking up, I couldn't figure out the context for what was happening to my body, so confused my doctor with someone who sexually attacked me before and thought I was drugged and about to be raped since I didn't have on much in the way of clothes and someone kept touching my low back with I didn't know what. I gave him quite an earful about that, among other things. I was embarrassed to go back.

Katrin said...

That poor guy from NASA.


Elizabeth McClung said...

Ms. Cripchick: Errr....yes I am? Okay, yeah that conversation in the car was pretty funny; I guess I pushed his "hip and groovy" envelope a bit TOO far.

Elizabeth: Yeah, I've seen the positions you can put the artist dummies in - I find the links more humorous, though I just can't quite figure out WHY I keep getting links at Penislinks - oh well. No, I'm cool with this, I was just like, mmmmmmm, so glad my piece on disability sailing is like the sorbet to clean the palete before another hour long session watching penis sucking videos.

Dirty Butter: Thanks for coming by, I am OKAY with you not going to the links -though if you decide later you want a how to vibrator guide, you know where you find one that is safe and ad free. Yeah, ditto on that wish - which wasn't today, as I have been in bed 3/4ths but I am sure TOMORROW will be better

Cheryl: Linda reads from a government computer too but I thought NASA might be a bit more obsessed about outside viewing (I know that the UK Revenue office CAN'T do it; and the computers on the "sensative materials" floor don't even have an internet connection.)

Anon: I've verbally attacked people too, Linda said once I started demanding to see the licence of the surgeon (like he brings that in) and accusing him of being someone who wandered in off the street. Not as stressful as yours but with the trigger completely understandable. But yeah, it does make going back a

Katrin: Yeah, he isn't looking forward to going back to work. I am very curious what project he could be on which would require him to be questioned under sedation? Area 51?

Marla said...

In that video there is the ride where each kid is in a little can like seat. I have always wanted to ride in one of those. It looks like my favorite kids book The Family Minus. Too cool.

Gaina said...

How did I miss this blog? Anyhoo...

Thanks for the mention and the link :). I have watched that 'Count' video umpteen times now and it still cracks me up (although I can't help feeling sorry for 'da spiders on de waaaall...' haha.