Saturday, November 17, 2007

My life as the little match girl and a thank you

Another day, another blog post; oh the cruel treadmill I am on. Yeah right! It’s not like I am making shoes for Nike, I am just trying to prove that the poor little matchstick girl can sell her matches even in the snow. Oops, wrong story (particularly since she doesn’t – loser!), I think this story is about one little crip girl (with control issues) proving that even though she is under the weird whim of the medicos, I will blog on regardless every day in the month of November (Blog Free or Die! - yeah Baby!).

But THIS particular post is about how I motivate to drag my perfectly shaped ass to my computer every day. Or to put it bluntly, this post is about YOU. Yup, if it wasn’t for the comments and the people who come to this blog and for example, put up with this last week's completely depressing read, I couldn’t keep going. Don't worry, I’m a realist, I know that most people think, “Hmmm....wonder what Elizabeth is doing?” And then they pop in and go, “Oh crap, she’s moaning about the medical system again. When is she going to let that one go and take more pictures of squirrels?” and go to see someone a bit less depressing. And that’s OKAY. This month has had some good writing pieces and some things I wrote at 24 minutes to midnight; so examples of NOT my best writing. But I kept writing. And YOU kept coming, and sometimes you commented and I commented and then you disagreed with my comment and I felt connected. So this is a round about, complaining way, of saying THANK YOU. I’ve made it over half way through this month and I couldn’t have done it without you.

So tonight I am dedicating a video to you; the readers, those who leave comments, those who send me email, Linda and anyone wandering by. This is from the anime Air which is about a blonde girl named Misuzu who doesn’t have a lot of real life, meet-in-the-flesh kind of friends (I am relating to this story already). She also has a “condition” which is slowly killing her, and a mother who is scared to get close to her in case that she ends up loving and losing her. Misuzu meets a guy, Yukito, who is hired to take her to school and back and the more she knows and connects to Yukito, the faster her sickness grows (Isn't that just TYPICAL!).

But there are times when she isn’t sick and she does stuff, like try to catch fish in the river, but then there are the times she is, and she is in pain, and can’t sleep and can’t get out of bed and all that those who love her can do is watch and hold on. But in the end, the people around Misuzu take up the slack for the times she can’t be the bright, wide-eyed wonder child that she is. Even when she is wheelchair bound and people are trying to put on their “come on, be happy” face, just the fact that they are there makes a difference. They learn that Misuzu body and “condition” dictate when she can go out, and that even in the worst of times there will be moments; minutes, hours that shine with joy. No, not of normality, because the greatest joy is found in the moments we steal; when we turn on a light and pretend that the sunshine has finally broken through.

The music video below is called, Keep Holding On, to the music of Avril Lavigne: “I’ll take your hand/when it gets cold/and it feels like the end/there’s no place to go/you know I won’t give in.”

I take my encouragement where I can, and I take it gratefully. But you should know, I’m not giving up; not ever; not in ANY aspect of my life. If you want, there is another video I still like about the anime Air and I posted about it back in April 2007 and I watched it during my first months of diagnosis to keep going. It is here, set to the music, You are Loved by Josh Groban. That was back in the days when I was going to tear up this town, back when I made terminal jokes and people still laughed. Of course, I AM going to tear up this town in a flash of kink wear wheelchair babe action, it is just I am taking a.......breather right now. Anyway, watch the vid, cause it’s the only way I know how to thank YOU, and like a small child, I really, really want to see you unwrap the present.

20 comments:

Zephyr said...

I cherish all your posts, even the depressing ones.

tornwordo said...

I never know how to comment here. That's not usual for me. I love the daily writing this month and you make me think about the deeper themes of life, death, powerlessness, and the human spirit. So, thank you! However ethereally, you can hold onto me.

Marla Fauchier Baltes said...

You are welcome! I love stopping by your blog! Also, Tag...You are it! Go to my blog to see what the tag is! I hope you will want to play along, if not I understand.

Sara said...

Hey, that's pretty sweet! Thank you.

And now I think we're going to have to try to Netflix that one.

And if you could see our combined household Netflix queue in all its burgeoning glory, you'd know why that's hilarious.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Zephyr: um, well if you love the depression posts, I will promise you there will be even MORE of me to love!

Tornwordo: Thanks for letting me know you read - insert something deep and sensative here - haha - nope, that ain't happening!

Marla: Thanks, and thanks for the meme tag, I do want to play along, I am just still trying to figure out who to nominate for wonder woman (and more important how to update my blog template - darn HTML!)

Sara: ha ha h.....okay now I'm depressed, you've made a netflix joke and I want netflix - just for that Add Kairo to your netflix pile, make sure it is the japanese version - nope, not telling you about it - that's just my revenge for not making Air a priority.

Lisa Harney said...

You can watch Kairo through streaming video if you have Netflix.

Whatever you write, I'll try to read. The good and the bad, it's all worthy. I won't say that the bad isn't depressing or even upsetting, but hey, if I got stuck reading every one of your posts after I followed that disability carnival here, I'm sticking around now. I love the way you write.

Thank you for the video. :)

I do feel bad for occasionally writing partial posts - like the "OCD checking symptoms" post the other day - and sending them out because I was distracted part way through and failed to remember that I hadn't finished writing it yet. These things make way more sense in my head.

shiva said...

I'm sorry for not having commented on a lot of your previous entries - i have felt a kind of obligation to because they have moved me so deeply, but then not really felt like i would have anything useful or helpful to say...

I count your blog as one of the most important out there, up with the likes of Chewing The Fat and Ballastexistenz.

I have ABSOLUTELY no money right now, but i wonder if there are enough readers of your blog able to donate even small amounts each (through a Paypal button or something?) to at least make a reasonable dent in that $14,000...

Also that anime sounds awesome. Is it the only disability-themed anime you're aware of?

Elizabeth McClung said...

Lisa: Thanks, I will TRY to have more good than bad, but really, can't promise. Glad you like the vid, I will try to add you to the blog roll, something I try to update....er....annually?

Shiva: First, did you realize Lisa stole your icon? Don't you want it back? Thanks for reading, I know a lot of posts are not easy to comment on. Thanks about your idea via paypal but I think I will try via blue cross and my GP who wants to send me to the States first (and see if he has some sort of plan...?) Thank you though.

As for disabled anime, actually there are a few good disability anime; the top one being a six episode anime called:
Hanbun no Tsuki ga Noboru Sora

Which is about a girl and a boy who are both about 16-17 and stuck in a hospital. The boy has mono and is supposed to be resting, while the girl has a potentially terminal heart condition which leaves her weakened. The heart condition has a surgery but the chance of success is low. It is about the relationship of the two of them and the "adults" around them in the hospital who have been in similar relationships (some being bitter "Better never to fall in love", others less so) - very good series which I can send if you have some way to recieve 175 meg avi files.

Also Utawarerumono has a female subcharacter in a wheelchair (well, it is in a rural japan area so more of a litter chair)

There are others, I will try to come back with a larger list.

Lisa Harney said...

If you want to add me, that's fine. If you don't want to add me, that's fine too - I try not to stress about that sort of thing. :)

I also didn't mean to imply that you should feel obligated to focus mainly on the good - that's really your choice. I enjoy reading either way, even when it makes me angry at how medical care is stupid or how people are selfish and blind toward those whom they don't understand. I mean, I didn't intend it to sound like I thought you posting this stuff is bad, just noting that my own reactions belong to me and aren't anything that I will try to make about you.

My avatar is Kali Ma, and I think she's standing on Shiva. I've always had a special fondness for her.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Lisa: Well, since I read you and post on your site I think I should add you; I guess one of the things I selfishly liked about your site is that I have refrained from commenting on those issues because in reading the (sometimes hundreds) of comments on other feminists sites some of the ideas (and hatred, the always present vitroil and hatred) presented in comments literally make me ill. While I could express my feelings at your site and not have it turn into a 3 month, 16 different site war (As happened once - obviously not just due to my comments but other people's comments, where I found that when it comes to feminism and well, a lot of a issues, there were plenty of people ready to slit the throat of someone for the cause, not so many to be the welcome embrace.

As for Kali Ma and Shiva icon, Shiva used it on one of the longer posts on (his) site, and I know it is one (he) finds personal meaning in, so I tend to associate it with Shiva. But since you associate with Kali Ma.....okay, I was just surprised to suddenly see the same picture as your icon.

Lisa Harney said...

Oh, tell me about it. I've been digging through all the old blog wars - not just trans wars, but eating disorders and other nonsense. They all tend to center on one particular group of radical feminists, wherever they choose to peddle their nonsense.

I actually did run across a post from you on one of those, but I forget which trans war it was. It was back in February or March, so during/after the whole IBTP mess.

I expect that at some point, someone's going to whine about my blog, though. I mean, especially given how mean and cruel it is to call feminists "transphobic."

The picture comes up readily in image searches for Kali. :)

Tom P. said...

Beth - you are my inspiration. You hold it together so well even though you have been dealt a shitty hand. When I start to feel sorry for myself when I'm caring for Michel I will think what would Beth and Linda do. You and Linda have reminded me about love, not the easy love when everything is going great, but the love that grows to fill the holes of pain in your lover. Thank you.

lilwatchergirl said...

I come here and check what you're up to every day. I'm always delighted to see a new post. Your writing is gorgeous. Don't stop.

Elizabeth McClung said...

Lisa: Okay, tomorrow I will add the blogroll, honest, it is just today's post and...er....research took a LOT longer than I anticipated.

Tom P: I am sorry about you and Michel, and if my daily moaning and blather help that in any way....well, thank you again, for helping me feel that writing does have meaning.

lilwatchergirl: Yeah, you say that today, but you will say that tomorrow! Congrats on your wheelchair again!

shiva said...

I didn't create that picture, nor do i claim any kind of ownership of it... the idea of getting angry at someone for "stealing" my icon is so bizarre to me that it would absolutely never have occurred to me...

I suppose technically i "stole" it from whoever the actual artist is, and/or the website i found the picture on... but i am completely opposed to the concepts of copyright and intellectual property, so, y'know, if any of my words or pictures are ever useful to anyone, please take them...

I need to put that anti-copyright notice on my blog actually...

BTW, are your captcha things set to always take at least 2 attempts, as an extra weeding-out tactic? They always take at least 2 for me...

Lisa Harney said...

Shiva: I think Elizabeth was joking because she saw you use the image.

I haven't been able to find any copyright/trademark/patent/anti-theft linked to the image, either. I looked.

I find that if I take too long to write a post, the word verification expires and I have to do it twice. This is probably an anti-bot measure.

Elizabeth: It's totally not all about whether I'm on your blogroll, but I appreciate it. :)

shiva said...

I'm autistic. I take language literally, m'kay... ;)

(Well, actually that's not true 100% of the time, but it's a true-ish generalisation...)

Lisa Harney said...

Fair enough!

Sometimes, on the net, I take things a bit too literally too. It's made for some exciting* flamewars.

* By exciting I mean "embarrassing."

rachelcreative said...

Ooh that video and song combo made me feel quite emotional - uplifted and trembly lipped at the same time.

I have lots of blogs on my RSS feed but there's a handful that I always head straight for when there's something new. And yours is on that shortlist.

I don't know what to say sometimes either - but that's mainly my own brain letting me down and not wanting to say something really dumb.

But I am reading and I enjoy the contact. Your experiences and your voice enriches my life.

Anonymous said...

This is a very impressive blog - and very impressed that you were on 'ouch' i bloody love that site. Keep doing what you're doing because it's incredible.