Yes, this is technically the last of the 'once a day' posts I have to do for my November agreement with the devil. But since I didn’t get the Porsche, nor was I awarded the crown of Goth Crip Queen of Canada, I may just go on posting daily for as long as it pleases me. Because hey, when I am unhappy I write about pain and death, when I am HAPPY, I write about pain and death. And on the days when I am stoned, I write about squirrels. The depressing thing is that the most popular post of the last month was about……socks: of which I know very little (except now I need some or they will call me “Stumpy”), but which my readers seem to be obsessed. The things I know a lot about like ossuaries, yuri, yaoi, and of course, pain, vibrators, death, disappointment and crazy plans: not so popular.
So, hey, I want to be popular. Doesn’t everyone? But the fact is, I’m sitting here trying to imagine what people who know a lot about socks might find interesting, and coming up with nada. So lets do the top 5 list instead.
Top 5 reasons you DON’T want to be my home care worker:
1) I might die with you watching. Personally I don’t believe this will happen, I think I will spontaneously combust one day. But from the amount of home care workers who say, “Don’t you die on me.” This seems to be a big fear. Personally I am more worried about #2
2) I will fall on you and kill you. Occasionally I have to use a walker to get into the bathroom. There seems a height requirement for being my home care worker and if you are over 5’2” and 103 lbs then you aren’t sent to me (I am 6’3”). Two weeks ago I had an “incident” with this very nice and VERY tiny college student who seems to be about 4’9”. I literally don’t have any memory beyond the first minutes so she left while I was still in lala land. I do remember keeling over from my wheelchair almost on top of her. So I asked when I saw her yesterday, “Um…did I crush you, or break any bones last time?” Thar she blows! Watch it, watch it: TIMBER!
3) I will offend you. This is just a given since not a lot of LGBT goths seem to go into home care. So many many times I have had a long enthusiastic descriptions of this boy love anime I am watching (“so then Ako dressed up as a Geisha and Seiko found and ravaged him in the garden house!”) and I finally remember I am dominating the conversation. “So do you belong to any clubs at college?” I ask the fresh faced 21 year old, “like….anime, maybe?” They get silent for a long time then say, “Well, I am the president of the Christian Student Prayer Group.” OH CRAP!
Or I will tell how Linda smuggled vibrators across the border as “toys”; or ask them if I look sexy because why doesn’t Linda wake me up for sex anymore? (remember I am home a LOT and very lonely). Or (actually happened), be showing some nice photos I took and then have the slideshow start showing some pictures of Linda and I making out to a catholic caregiver. Or I will enthuse over some skull item or start calling pictures of fairies eating from the eye-sockets of humans “cute!”
4) I have a lot of phobias and issues. And there is an actual book we printed out for caregivers (the care giver office tried to destroy all the copies but we just printed more). Here are some excerpts:
OCD: "Her particular issues are “Germs”, food (the last inch of drink is often “unclean”, food which is not “fresh” is “unclean”…."
Communication: ……“If she cannot move her fingers, call her name, and see if her eyes focus on you. If so, tell her, one blink for yes (or two for no) and ask her the questions. Make sure that her fainting isn’t taken as a “yes””
Night routine: …. “Because she has nightmares she may not want to go to sleep at 1am. So she needs the reminder if she’s not already getting ready for bed at 1am.”
5) I talk a lot; however I know nothing of TV shows from the last year or two or any current events for the last 10 months. If a bridge collapsed, I don’t know. I will however try to hide my EXTREME disappointment if you are unaware of, for example, the group of US black writers moved to Paris in the early to mid 20th century to write detective fiction. I may also just state while you are speaking, “I’m sorry, I know they teach everyone that at school, but…it’s a lie.” (really, I’m trying to cure myself of this habit but come ON, the cause of the civil war was slavery? Columbus discovered the Americas?)
Bonus: If you try to cheer me up, you are almost certain to leave depressed. I work with words all the time. So when I am depressed and someone goes all “Come on, the sun is shining!” I am more likely to say, “And how will a melenoma make me feel better?”
Linda learned early that using a “happy voice” on me is like poking a bear. And scripture? Accepting Jesus? The last time I was pissed and a woman tried to get me to accept Jesus she left telling me she would be back to prove to me that God never tried to get Adam to mate with animals. She didn’t return. I’ve read the bible from cover to cover many times and had it memorized by chapter by age 11 (my father tested me). Unless you want me to tell you the first time sarcasm appeared in the bible (Job 12:1) or all the times God’s selected people prayed for death (including Jesus), you might not want to hit that hornet nest too hard. I always find it nice to open with, did you know the third recorded relationship in the bible was polygamous? Or, “are you ready to castrate yourself as Christ asks of you?”
The sad truth is that I spend more time trying walk the meta-truth aspects of the bible than most of the people who try to convert me. It is just they aren’t yet ready to take Jesus as their Zombie leader and Christ as their lesbian lover (this might go back to #3: “I will offend you”).
Okay that was REALLY depressing; I thought it was going to be fun and funny and instead I end up with an excerise like, “Write down 10 reasons no one will ever want to be your friend.” Wow, that sucked!
Okay, have a nice weekend and go and do your shopping or partying or whatever it is norms do on weekends. I am going to try and cheer myself by watching some more horror films. I am really growing to love horror films - those zombie films are great, it is like watching how fashions and trends spread. Why did women start wearing $500 of Lulu Lemon yoga gear to sweat? Were they bit in the face and became fashion zombied? Makes me wonder?
18 hours ago