I was unpleasantly ill last night and couldn’t get to sleep until after 3 a.m. What sleep I did get was interrupted, for both Linda and I, with me being non-amusing delirious (according to Linda). Nothing like being told the computer place is going to reinstall Windows and leave you an empty shell to bring to mind all the stuff you have been MEANING to do but putting off. So apparently my mutterings and shoutings, when they made sense were all about; “Use the control panel and uninstall the root trees” and other such pearls of wisdom. I finally got up at 11:00 a.m. and was so weak and funked out I didn’t have functional hand and finger control; which has never happened before. So I couldn’t do earrings or jewelry, I couldn’t open doors or jars (did I forget to mention collapsing and being on oxygen last night?). Anyway, I did get dressed and went down to the store to confront them with the “crip card.” Turns out jerk who called me a pirate and said my video card is dying wasn’t there; and Mr. Nice Cleancut who was there had actually done a whole bunch of extra work. So I didn’t go all postal and I said I wanted to keep my video card, abd he said he okay because he didn’t see how it was dying (ohhhh that other guy!). He also installed a few programs to get me started and gave me the disc and charged me 1.5 hours work for about 10 hours. We talked some about computer stuff and the older guy he was helping said, “Woah, you know waaay too much about computers” (“for a GIRL” was pretty heavy in his tone).
I told them how much I use a computer and how, two days of down time, I was definitely Jones-ing. The older guy just says, “Jones-ing?”; I guess he is not up on DT drug slang. When you NEED your fix, it’s called Jones-ing.
Of course, getting back your tricked out computer with specific codecs, music centre and everything tweaked just right as an empty windows shell is like leaving your Ferrarri and coming back to a Dodge Aries. It just ain’t the same. I lost who knows how many hours and swear words today trying to find missing discs and trying to figure out this evil upgrade of windows media player I now have (you know, the one where unless you disable it, it deletes all music on your computer it can’t find a license for). So much for 'taking it easy and recovering...'Actually, the more I think about last night the more I try not to remember. I do remember about an hour where all I could say to Linda was “Kill me.” Some sort of incoherent crying jag too. Fun times. Anyway, if it is sunny tomorrow and I can move, I am going out on my handcycle before I return it for the winter. It rained today so the leaves aren’t nice and scrunchy anymore; too bad. Though I guess waking up to something other than the sound of leaf blowers would be a nice change though.
One thing about my first year as a crip is I am completely giving into the girly attitude of “someone else’s problem.” I used to be one of the first to shovel snow or move boxes; you know the whole “I am woman, hear me roar my independence” thing. Now I get to just enjoy what happens knowing that someone else will be cleaning it up. Ohh, pretty leaves (your problem). Ohh, lets light all the candles (your problem – or rather, do you really want a woman with little grip motor control and arm trembling to have a lot of lit matches?). So while I like watching people do all that work, I am out of the game in terms of that. And I’ve managed to stop trying to “help” by directing people (based on the looks I was getting, I stopped doing that just in time).
Sorry this is such a shotgun post, I will try to get a bit more control tomorrow now that I have my own computer back. I did check the obits but my grandmother wasn’t there; I’ll check again tomorrow.
Just to let you know; physically and emotionally I have been put in the tumble dryer but I am anything from out. Yes, the whole physical recovery, upcoming operations thing is slowing me down a bit but I am definitely finding a race or coming up with crazy ideas to do (wheel over the Malahat?). My motto for the last year December 2006-November 1, 2007 was “NII” (or NI-squared) which stood for “Nothing is impossible (until I say it is impossible).” This year I have a new motto, stolen from one of my role models (a shiny gold star if you can tell me who!): “If we surrender in life, it spells personal death, both spiritual and physical.” So.....NO SURRENDER!
Of course, I am not suicidal (no wait, actually I am, but leave that for another day), I do not plan on having motto’s like the Canadian Black Watch (“We never retreat”) which on July 25th, 1944 meant that of the 325 men who mustered for the attack on Varrieres Ridge, 315 did not return.I live because I do not surrender, I act because I do not surrender, I post because I do not surrender. I will not, in face of cultural, medical, or social opposition waver from my intentions; I will not surrender. Today a cab driver asked, as so many do, “So, what happened to you?” He looked over, “the wheelchair?” he prompted me in case I did know exactly which personal and private aspect of my life he wanted to plunder.
“Oh that! God likes me!” I told him cheerfully, “I guess you could say that I won the lotto!”
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7 comments:
Love your new motto and the picture to go with it.
I'm just so stinking impressed that you posted yesterday in spite of it all. That's the NaBloPoMo spirit! ha ha ha ha ha
Someone once told me, some office manager in Hollywood considered a tremendously wise woman by everyone who knew her -- well, almost everyone -- once told me that I would never achieve enlightenment until I learned to embrace the act of surrender, which she then went on to state categorically is the natural state of woman. I stared at her like she had grown an extra head.
I'm not sure I'd respond differently now.
Nice retort !
To life, death and taxi driver.
I don't see that there's any problem with letting other people do things if they're capable and willing. In my ideal world everyone does things for everyone else.
I expect you - like me - find it easier when you help other people than when you're helped. But both are necessary.
Casdok: Thanks, as you can see, I am heavy gothing this month now that summer has gone and darkness is here.
Sara: Yes, I am sure I will resort to a picture post sometimes and still haven't figured out the Tuesday operation wacked out on drugs all day post but onward!
Oh yeah, I remember when they threw me out of church for being into women, the pastor asked me to come to a meeting where I was under the impression he was going to apologize for being such a class A jerk for the last year or so and he instead opened with: "Have you surrendered to your brokenness?" - wha?
I always thought people who used the term "Natural state of women" either were preachers, ran a commune or were soft porn film directors.
Sally: Yeah!....er yeah! (you're not giving me much to work with)
Kathz: Both may be neccessary, it is just I find it a lot less expensive when I could do everything myself.
Ah - the money thing. Yes, that is atrocious. As I get older, the injustice of the distribution of wealth in most societies strikes me with increasing force. But when I say that, lots of people decide I must be a communist and stop listening.
Heh. Cab drivers and wheelchair comments. Why are they ALL so curious? I have this regular driver to work who was once stupid enough to tease me that I don't need a chair because I can walk. After I very nearly killed him with my walking stick, he learned not to mock anymore...
Really good post.
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