Halloween is here – Boo hoo! While I feel left out, everyone is selling wonderous skull things which I can buy for regular use. I have seen a lovely skull lunch box.
Linda says, “Why should I get you a lunch box, when you DON’T EAT!” (side effect of constant nausea)
I gave her a wistful look and gave a patheticly optimistic “We could go on picnics!” Right. Because November is the month when people think about picnics? Still, I am really hoping it comes with a black thermos with a skull on it (or the “poison” sign!)
Anyway the reason I don’t like Halloween is that I have NEVER been invited to a Halloween party. SUCK!
First it was because my parents were in a religion where Halloween was somehow connected with all things evil starting with orgies (people actually used to believe orgies were BAD) and leading to child sacrifice. So my childhood memory of Halloween was hiding with the rest of our family in the house with the lights turned off listening to the doorbell of small disappointed children.
Then, by the time I was ready to kink out with party outfits I was living the UK. The part I was living in didn’t really go for Halloween and Halloween parties. They did however REALLY enjoy creating effigies of people and setting them on fire (which, with the relish of the small children involved is often MUCH more chilling). This happens five days later than Halloween on Nov. 5th where everyone burns Guy Fawkes for trying to blow up parliament in the Gunpowder Plot. Apparently it is tradition to burn the guy again and again (this year will be the 401st anniversary). Also, for good measure, it is tied into the burning of 17 Protestants (the more to burn the merrier!). In Ottery, Devon there is the burning of the 17 Barrels (odd how it is the same number of burnt Protestants) – it is a big affair where you go around not just lighting a bonfire but filling a barrel with tar and then the tradition is carrying around the barrels WHILE they are burning (it seems some families have carried certain barrels for generations). The barrels burned (in symbolic burning of a human?) in the afternoon are the “boys and women’s barrels” while by night the barrels are 30 kilos (about 75 pounds). So running with the bulls is stupid but carrying around a huge barrel of tar while it is on fire is tradition? Do we have pictures of what happens when you trip?
Anywho, when living in a country where people get really drunk and then set giant bonfires burning some guy from 400+ years ago or get drunk before they CARRY around burning barrels of tar, selling the idea that a few costumes of girls in dark wings is scary doesn't really work. Plus, in my city some of the lads thought it a laugh to shoot off fireworks at EACH OTHER. Woo hoo! Also, burning gays was also a big Cardie tradition (a friend of ours was covered in lighter fluid but escaped; another had burning materials pushed through their mail slot) – that was a good night to stay indoors.
So now I am back in Canada and know....no one. This kinda sucks because I bought my dark angel wings. But I will get use of them later in going to market or flying downhill making meowing noises. This is the advantage of everyone thinking that you are the equivalent of a child once you are in a wheelchair; you can do whatever rebellious teenager thing you didn’t get out of your system before and no one cares. In fact, they admire you (cleavage helps!).
As Sara at Moving Right Along pointed out, Halloween is when people dress up like us; the disabled – yup, cultural affirmation we are someone’s worst nightmare. Actually, I wouldn’t mind getting one of those old wicker wheelchairs to get pushed around in for the night. Do you think I could get a lot of candy, or in some karmic retribution, end up in a neighborhood where families hide in darkness (serious, only about 10% of the houses in my area don't have stairs to get to the doorbell, so I guess karma is already telling me something – but…but…I want my candy corn!).
So remember me as you get drunk and throw off the inhibitions of society for one day a year. AHHHHHH! I want to do that! Oh well, I have the other 364 days to make up for it. Don’t even get me started on Christmas parties (Linda’s employer THE GOVERNMENT, has a Christmas dinner for employees only, no spouses – which is the same policy her employer had in the UK. Wow, years of being designated driver sure is fun!).
In completely unrelated news, I now have a GP. True it is at a homeless drug clinic but I HAVE A GP. So I hope this one is a keeper because I need him to be a bit proactive; like help me with the fact that my hair is already starting to fall out – wow, I always wanted the post-nuclear look. And I think that is a great tie-in back to Halloween and ending up looking like someone’s nightmare. Anyway, I am off to watch cheesy horror films like Wishmaster and Fright Night. Have a fun weekend (and send me Candy Corn)!
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