Yesterday I had an extended conversation with a nice blonde female pharmacist about what exactly I was putting up my vagina and how far. This is all because I have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) which for those who haven’t had it is like having chili powder slowly ground into your urethra with a sharp stick while needing to pee all the time. UTI’s are God’s joke to women, just like prostate checks are God’s joke to men. Oh our God is a prankster God.
I had been prescribed Amoxicillin for the UTI and finished the dosing last Monday. Saturday night, guess who pops back up again? At first you try and convince yourself that it isn’t the dread UTI back again, that perhaps Linda accidentally kicked me repeatedly in the groin while I was sleeping, or I dropped a fork into my panties without noticing, and it was gouging my urethra. I checked; no fork. So I went to the emergency drop in Sunday morn where the urine test showed blood and protein and something else (when someone says I have blood in my urine I always miss the rest of the sentence). Since a certain percentage of women who get UTI’s are ones who have repeat performances (me), they make special targeted UTI drugs. I am on Ciprofloxacin. For UTI’s Amoxicillian is like hand grenades, Ciprofloxacin is like carpet bombing. Cipro has a few side effects though – like turning you into a vampire (sun intolerance) and yeast infections. So my doctor told me to pick up Canesten while I was getting my prescription filled. This is where the young blonde female pharmacist comes in.
She wasn’t sure if I should get a yeast infection kit unless I actually had the yeast infection. Then she found out I am already using an anti-fungal cream for this mysterious infection which has resulted in an abscess. So then the question is, How far in am I inserting the cream I am using, and which cream is it? Canesten has one of those LONG insertion applicators I call “Going up the Nile.” I wasn’t going that far back. She thought I was using in on my labia. She started going back in my files and bringing out all the other vaginal insertion products I had used on their medical record system. It was sort of a vaginal version of “This is your life” where I was like, “Oh yeah, I remember that one.” I told her the cream I was using, I put around the urethra too and inside where the abscess was. So then she said, sort of loud, “So you are inserting!”
And I said, “Well a little” and made this open hand gesture angling into my groin, “It’s not like I go up to the elbow or anything.” Anyway, she decided it was enough and if I felt all itchy and yeasty I could come back.
Five minutes later the guy who was in line behind me to talk to the pharmacist catches up with me and wants my phone number. I mean REALLY wants my phone number. He was here to get pain med, he’s in his 20’s and he had been in a coma after a truck accident but other than big old scars, he is fine now. Tells me, that the first thing he wanted to do after waking up from the coma was pee for himself. Or as he put it, “I wanted to hold my penis.” Help yourself dude. Not the most subtle chat up lines before asking for a phone number though. Come to think of it, this is the second guy who was in a coma who has come on really strong to me (Also the second one to start calling me “babe” after about 60 seconds). I must “the type” for coma guys. Either that or he overheard me and thinks that girls who talk about “full vaginal insertion” must be impressed by penis stories.
Oh God, I am getting this whole sexual fantasy role play, “This time you be the pharmacist” thing in my head now. Anyway, it was no go on the phone number so he begged me to give him his. Fine. After being turned down four times for getting my number, do you really think I am going to treasure yours? “Here you go, babe.” he says and hands it over.
You would think that a woman in a wheelchair holding a box for yeast infection treatment would put some guys off: guess not.
That's it; drug taken, sunlight avoided, UTI going away (bomb that sucker, nothing like the smell of scorched UTI in the morning).
Thanks to Tornwordo over at Sticky Crows for inspiring my to expose all after reading his post (aptly named) Anal Update.
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