Tuesday, July 24, 2007

I lack faith for a miracle and the rest of my day

I know previously people have disbelieved my stories about Mr. Ho, my epee coach. Things like how “You so stupid!” was a favorite phrase (translated: I want you to do something else). Yesterday, he saw me in the wheelchair for the second time. The first time his wife had told me “Don’t listen to anything he says.” Okay!

This time he looks at me and says, “Why don’t you get up and walk!?” Followed by, “Are you lazy?” and “You don’t want to sit in a wheelchair all your life do you?”

Wow, and I thought only villains in Dicken’s novels actually were so insensitive. Actually, thinking about it later, I realized that Mr. Ho was treading the path of Jesus and Paul with his more verbally abusive version of “Rise and walk.” However, since Mr. Ho’s higher power is….Mr. Ho. I did not receive a miraculous transformation. Perhaps my faith is weak.

Other strange events in the last 18 hours:

*While on oxygen and unable to talk, a woman coming to the wheelchair, laying her hands on my head and praying out loud.

*Being told that “You need to believe in miracles, You need to believe you will get well.” (Why do no Christians understand how depressing it is when you put those sentences together?)

*Being told that the solution to my medical problems is to…see a psychic (for only $50).

*Being told: “It’s probably a ‘gland’ thing.”

*Having a guy tell me that most guys would rather be hit in the groin than wear a cup (the guy installing my wheelchair bars explaining to me why guys in epee fencing don’t wear cups) – also said that some guys can get kicked/hit in the groin and not react for several hours. I didn’t tell him that made me want to do some experimenting (Ad in paper: “Males needed for impact test, $20”)

*A woman I’ve talked a few times tell me: “I’ve been thinking a lot about disabled people lately. You know, like how people with Down Syndrome just bring out the good in you…” (I cut her off before we got down to my cosmic purpose).

*A different guy telling me about “The Gun Store” in Las Vegas where you can shoot machine guns because “you probably need something like that about now” (Oddly later I asked Linda if we could go on vacation to Las Vegas – from the review site: “Ever feel the need to shoot automatic and semi-automatic weapons after a long night of debauchery while in Las Vegas?... I fired the fully auto M16 and fully auto AK-47 and that was a crapton of fun.")

*Being told (again) by an EMT, “You have no pulse.” (us disabled vampires get that a LOT)

*After six EMT’s come, two male ones recognize me and ask if they can play with my swords while the others are checking me out. They go and hit the ping pong ball a few times. (yes, seriously!)

*With the EMT (ambulance/911) being called even though I indicated strongly they not be called, my least favorite EMT guy, “Mr. Goatee” arrived. While Mr. Sensitive is taking my history and trying to make sure I call “anytime I don’t feel well”, Mr Goatee comes over and says, “If the doctor’s tests are coming back negative, maybe you should take another look at yourself….” (as in “Stop calling us you hypochondriac attention seeking hysterical female”) When I point out that my tests aren’t negative (B12 at PA levels, elevated adrenal function, borderline potassium) he dismisses it. I ask: What does he think it could be? Answer: Fibromyalgia (translation: male assuming a “borderline female thing” which most males don’t believe actual exists).

Well, that’s it, I’m off for two more medical appointments tomorrow. I just have two questions: why is it when six EMT guys show up at your apartment, in five to ten minutes it starts to resemble a “kegger?” and do you know any guys who want to earn $20?

9 comments:

Sara said...

ha ha ha ha ha

Sounds like you had a crappy day, but you sure tell it funny. Glad you're still here.

Cheryl said...

Since I work around a lot of EMT's maybe I have some insight for your first question. Most EMT's are adrenaline junkies and when you get a group of them together in one place you're guaranteed lots of posturing and attempts to one-up each other. It seems like most of the guys think they need to be tough guys as EMT's.

I haven't noticed the same traits in the woman EMT's I know. Maybe it's a testorone thing.

I was glad to see your last posts. After the heatwave we had here in Port Angeles, WA and you had in Victoria BC I was concerned.

The Goldfish said...

That is a pretty impressive record for a mere 18 hours. I accidentally consented to the hand-no-head-prayer thingy the first time; when the lady asked me if I minded if she prayed for me I assumed she meant privately, later on, rather than right that minute, out loud, in the middle of the health food shop.

I think when my beloved did sword-fighting (rapiers) he felt the cup more important than the mask... ;-)

Elizabeth McClung said...

Sara: I'm glad you're here! I'm glad I'm here too.

Cheryl: thanks for the insight, first time I've had EMT's start playing with my stuff while waiting around. Yeah, that heatwave was like....not so good for me. So everytime it rains this summer and you curse, know I am happy.

Goldfish: yeah, I was surprised, but thank goodness it wasn't in public like you...so far. Oddly of all the statments one is true: Endrocrinologist says today: "There is something off with your thyroid.....but it's not what is causing these problems" (so I guess I do have a "gland thing")

SallySunshine said...

All of this happened during the course of one day?! Wow! I'd probably be lacking faith in humanity after that kind of day too, but at least we can still laugh, right?

heh.

heh.

And yes, I do know some men who'd love to volunteer their services, especially for a worthy cause like groin kicking. ;)

Daisy said...

I hope you are taking Omega 3s!

Pardon that unsolicited advice, it's a phrase that will likely appear on my tombstone; I am committed to saying it every single day to SOMEBODY and today is your day. (Yes, I took mine today!)

Love your blog, and it was a pleasure to visit!

Steve F. said...

In one of the Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes, the Enterprise crew discover some kind of disruptive phaser weapon that not only disintegrates the target, but makes it suffer screamingly while it pulls one apart, molecule by molecule. Quite staggeringly nasty.

I thought about asking my buddies back at the University of Chicago physics department if they could come up with one, so I could use it on your EMTs. Preferably at low power, so they slowly and miserably discorporated.

Bastards.

(cue music: "They'll Know We are Christians By Our Love"...)

OK, so I'm not wrapped right or tight, as my late lamented mother would say. But if you need a righteously-angry overweight sir knight to do battle with pompous arrogant EMTs, call on me.

My sister has both MS and fibromyalgia - so I know the look of "why don't you just take some hormones, lose 100 pounds, do some exercise and shut the hell up." Those doctors and nurses would be on my targeting list, right after your EMTs, by the way...

By the way, a friend of a friend wrote this amazing explanation of what it is to deal with degenerative illness. I thought of you when I read it - I think she and you might be able to write that pamphlet...

Steve F. said...

Oh, and while in BooksAMillion! today, I saw the curiously titled Garden & Gun magazine. Probably would be a hit in Las Vegas, too...

Elizabeth McClung said...

Sallysunshine: No worries, my faith in humanity was burned out long ago - that's why I don't watch the news. Yes, please send all men up for groin kicking my way.

Daisy: Omega 3? I hope that's a sci-fi program, an anime? Actually the endrocrinologist a.k.a.: I have a giant stick up my butt because I am 'right' all the time said "Don't take any suppliments as they will interfere with your medication" - I'm like, "What medication? Birth control? Eccinasia is going to stop birth control?"

Steve F - I have used the spoon analogy only in my case it is like, "You have 8 spoons for the week" - people really can't comprehend the idea that doing something now means you can't do something all the rest of the day and most of tomorrow. Actually I still can't. Thanks for coming by the blog.