Thursday, June 07, 2007

A male MD instructs me on the "correct" form of female masturbation

It seems I am not masturbating correctly. This, according to my male late 50’s/early 60’s new GP (the one who keeps telling me I am going to die). The conversation came about because the pain I am having at night, which sometimes (once a week or so) is high enough that I cannot sleep. When I have less than 8 hours sleep (like say 5 hours because I have to be at a medical appointment in the morning), my heart is erratic, I am in constant pain and nausea, I have to be on oxygen and have uncontrollable tremors and sometimes fatigue paralysis. So, I wanted a pill to put me to sleep on these nights. Doctor says no.

So what do I do? Doctor says, I dunno, I never need to sleep eight hours. He thinks. Sometimes I lie in the bath. Then he asks what I do. I tell him that after my research on the female orgasm helping insomnia, if I feel I won’t sleep in the afternoon, I will masturbate first. He approves. So I say back to him (with the hope he will see the absurdity and actually give me oh...a sleeping pill), “So if I can’t sleep because of the pain and it is 3 or 4 am you want me to get up and masturbate and then lie in the bath?”

No, no, no. This, it turns out, is all wrong. He then proceeds to tell me the appropriate manner for female masturbation. For instance, the bath comes first, with candles and a pleasing aroma (I thought he was going to talk about rose petals on the water too but he stopped there). THEN, once the “setting and mood are correct” I am allowed to masturbate. Finding his ideas of female sexuality to be somewhat from the 1980’s, I told him that I find that an active imagination tends to the trick, plus I have some devices for physical assistance (is the rabbit even waterproof?). He seemed a bit miffed that I countered him and started saying something about how a lack of imagination in sexuality (I thought, “if he finishes that sentence, I am going to learn a LOT about his sex life”) was advanta.......and he trailed off. So, no sleeping pills nor pain pills but masturbation in the appropriate method is allowed.

Of course, with a visit that odd, I HAD to call up Linda. She immediately pointed out that in my weakened state at night a hot bath would put my heart over 200 beats in no time. She also found his idea of female masturbation to be...antiquated (like Edwardian ideas of what Harems were like antiquated). Actually, all we needed to finish his vision was some oriental music and a few hazy veils. Linda and I agreed that a good book, a good imagination, a good vibrator or any combination thereof was far more effective than candles and baths (not that those aren't nice and romantic.....but looking at a hot bath doesn’t exactly make me horny). As Linda said, “he doesn’t seem to have read How to have an Orgasm...as often as you want.” Anyway, it is rather mute because crawling out of bed and trying to come up with energy to masturbate at 4 a.m. doesn’t seem likely, much less digging out some candles and an aromatherapy kit. Finding a locum who will give a sedative painkiller seems a FAR simpler solution.

But, for all those females out there who, after years of successful self orgasm masturbation, are asking “What if I am not doing this the “correct” way?” Have no fear, because I have found an older man who is ready to instruct on the correct techniques and "setting." Or you could have my internal response; a puzzled brow and the thought, “What a prick!”

8 comments:

kathz said...

I think you and Linda should return the favour and advise the doctor when and how and how often to masturbate.

KateJ said...

Ah, so that's where I've been going wrong...
Mental note - pick rose-petals, buy candles... get a new GP...

tornwordo said...

That's absurd. I'm trying to imagine how I would respond if a female doctor told me I was doing it wrong. Please, I've read (and practiced) ESO.

Denise said...

This reminds me of the time I went to the gyn saying I was concerned about increasingly painful periods, and the dude (almost left that at dud! ha!) told me it was probably just painful periods, since he couldn't feel any abnormal growths. Apparently I just wanted to know if I was experiencing pain, and that is why I let a man I never met before invasively manhandle my genitals. Bloody hell.

I never got the masturbating in (or right after) the bath thing, myself. At that point, I've washed all my desires away...

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Well, what's wrong with rose petals?
I use them in conjunction with my latex glove and rubber mace!

I think Doc has been reading too many archived back copies of Cosmo.

Philip. said...

Great post - :-)

By the way, I can just aimagine the sort of buzz you would get if you out the Rabbit in the bath - LOL

hazel said...

OMG I had noidea it was so complicated! I Guess I've been doing it wrong all theses years. What would we do if it weren't for male doctors to teach us how to get our rocks off.

phallacy said...

As with Denise -strange bloke, invasive idiocy, think of Chevy Chase in '3 Amigos'when he sez, "I'll return", the senorita looks horrified/disgusted and sez "WHY?".
Or Woody Allen,in ?'Annie Hall" about the wrong kind of orgasm.