There really is nothing better to a goth (even a lesbian goth) than getting a notice that the post office is holding a package for you; some clothing from Slash N’ Burn. Yes, there certainly is a pleasure in going out in your gothic attire and looking so hip that people ask about your partner “Is this your mother?” (a bonus of wearing fashions for teens). Besides finding out the dozens if not hundreds of different and exciting ways skulls can be used, there is also the thrill of the names of the diverse clothing lines themselves. Where did you get those dockers; I got them at the Gap. Hmmmm....little sad and boring, no? I on the other hand wear clothes from Lip Service, Sweet and Toxic, Morbid Threads, Arsenic, Lily and Remains, Trick Fairy, Hot Topic (of course), Kill City, Darque, Demonia, Blacklist and Tripp NYC.
Off I go in my Sweet and Toxic flying skulls t-shirt. While humans tend to either be sucked into my crip gothic fashion gravity well or flee trying to escape it, animals readily approach me, like this tabby here. Perhaps she has confused my stripped “classic” goth tights with Wicked Witch of the West leggings ala Wizard of Oz. Or perhaps she smells the lesbian on me and knows that if she got into our house she would be pampered for life. Either way, we would make a happy pair; it is always good to choose a cat with matching hair colour to yours. I go down the hill and wonder “Am I the only lesbian in the (Cook Street) Village?” I have already been disappointed twice but still hold out hope for the fit, tanned, short haired woman at the post office who plays “a lot of golf” (surely that has a double meaning?). What has arrived from Slash N’ Burn? It is a black velvet and lace corset; another one of the crip goth’s essentials. Fashion note for those attempting wheelchair gothic look: get the short corsets, as in a wheelchair you have what is called “Tip” which means you are sitting not at 90 degrees but with the seated tilted up (this has pretty horrid effects on any slight fat in the front or hips as basically you become the tube of toothpaste and the chair is trying to squeeze you forward – hence, why corsets are a good look, when your chair decides to squeeze; get something to squeeze back!).
I actually now have a personal corset shopper at Scarlett Noir. When one of the guys down at the alternative video store heard that he skipped up saying, “That’s what every boy dreams of!” (I told you they were alternative). I warned him that the woman expects the people she buys for to send her pictures of them in the corsets. “That’s okay, I upload those onto the internet already!” Errr...okay. Anyway, my shopper's name is Andrea and she deals in Tripp corsets which have a lot of variety and endurance and cost only $40-56. Tripp only deals with dealers and Andrea at Scarlett Noir (who includes a "treat" in each order - last time I got fishnet stockings!) is the ONLY person on-line selling the Christabel Victoria/Edwardian Red brocade with black lace and lace ribbon sides, I posted a pic of me wearing one in the cemetery earlier. Tripp is sized in Juniors and is great for smaller breasted women (Size D need not apply), yes you too can FINALLY have that Renaissance Faire look without having to hang upside down to do it. Andrea also seems to be the only person online selling the Dragon brocade corset pictured here. So, if you are like me and think, “Is just one corset for every day of the week going to be enough?” then I recommend giving her a call (very friendly, will send you pictures of corsets endlessly – also does stuff with burlesque for the able bodied, or for the very daring wheelchair burlesque performers). She also is sending me this cool velvet coffin handbag which has rivets so it can stand upright on its own. Not really useful, no, but it has a coffin shaped make-up mirror in the lid. How can I say no to that?
Some may wonder by this point, “is Elizabeth going crazy; has all the pain and oxygen caught up with her?” Maybe, maybe not, but either way, I am already fashion prepared! I got this full length tattered lace widow dress from Lily and Remains for when I break from all the emotional stress and spend my days wheeling back and forth in my 19th century manor house making my neurotic and inbred nieces and nephews waiting for me to die listen intently to the creaking of the boards above their heads. I figure this is the dress for lanquishing, that and my finale when I fall down the stairs in the wheelchair. Until I mentally unhinge, I will try to get invited to some classic reception so I can wear it and just sit in the corner, a mysterious wheeled gothic beauty. That way I will have people come up and ask me which movies I was in.....before the accident (I have to stay in the corner because as you can see, actually trying to move the chair would immediately suck about five pounds and four yards of fabric into the wheels). “I’m ready for my close up!” (did the spider-web nylons peeking out give it away?) I simply couldn’t say no to this dress, it even came with its own tattered lace gloves....now that is real fashion service for the gothic heading toward insanity.
After picking up my corset from the post office I headed back through the park, as lavender was in bloom (you may contest the flower at will), and I was wondering what types of garlands would do for my wheelchair version of “The Lady of Shallot.” (notice that she doesn’t stint on the fabric). I thought it fitting since the lifeguards last week interrupted my version of the Death of Ophelia (she drowned). Planning various death scenes or tragic poses is pretty good, but it is unfortunate that gothic literature doesn’t have any scenes of heroines being hit by a car in a wheelchair, since that is what happens to me virtually every day. I have to assume with people in cars, they just see something with wheels and think, “I can beat that?” I can come up with no other reason why cars constantly turn in front of me while I am going downhill (have not way to stop other than my hands…is that true of cars?), or like the truck that tried to stop me crossing the crosswalk by moving forward, threatening to crush me between his bumper and the car in front of him, and got so close, I had to take my hand off that wheel or it would have been crushed. My favorite was the car, who two car lengths back, saw me doing the slight downhill to go onto the street on the marked cross walk and ACCELERATED towards me. My shock and grabbing the wheels allowed him to pull up to the cross walk when a strange rage made me attempt to ram him with the wheelchair (note: when a wheelchair rams a car....the car wins, the multiple bones of your legs lose). He swerved away from my attempt to dent his back door and amazingly, the car behind him, tried to swerve into the oncoming lane to follow. I gave the driver my “your brain is about to blow up and your eyeballs melt from their sockets” glare. He decided to wait that whole ONE or two seconds for me to cross. But, you know, these events don’t really bother me (yeah, and the reason I am ordering throwing axes to be fitted to my chair is just a fashion choice).
While I am trying to find some nice gothic shrugs to preserve my pasty skin (hey, I worked 10 months to get that pale), I have decided that instead of pale, anemic goth girl and I going to be pale, to-die-for fashion lesbian goth with rippling shoulder muscles. The wheelchair and living at the bottom of several hills made that decision for me. As a guy passing me today while I inched up a hill muttering to myself “12 inches at a time”, said to me, “Think what shoulder muscles you are building!” Well, I have yet to come across “bulging shoulders muscles” as a plus point in any of those beauty mags (skin, breasts, legs, hips, yes, “delicate” - yes, “Bulging” – no). But then, just goes to show I am setting new trends in beauty and fashion. And to that end, I have booked a session in an indoor rock climbing gym. That’s right, climbing up an indoor rock face....just using my arm and shoulder muscles. And you thought I couldn’t come up with some sort of insane sport to do? Truthfully, this first time I just want to get high enough up the wall to look impressive when I start to grunt, struggle and run out of muscle. Doing that four feet off the ground looks kinda sad.
3 hours ago