I am not a passive person. But many weeks I have been perplexed by one thought; how does a person with body control issues handle a body over which they have little to no control? Perhaps, being ordered to the hospital for another test tomorrow for which the only outcomes are immediate admittance or a negative result made me question who was in control of my limited waking life. Or maybe it was the other tests "urgently" ordered. What was the outcome: was it hope? As sure as night follows days, I can say that as of this minute, I have no hope. What forces me to the hospital is social pressure. I go because I do not know how not to go. And that’s when it came to me. I do not have control over my body, I do not have control over the medical system. Taking a page from society around us, I may no longer be capable of resisting the effects of my own heart; but I can always take control of the path to my own self destruction.
What the medical profession doesn’t like to advertise is that highly focused depressed people, particularly people who can pop in and out of disassociative states of mind, can willing endure far more pain than the average person (when inflicting it on themselves or enduring it for destructive ends). This includes even someone with as low a pain threshold as me. And with the body I have right now, I cannot control feeling good, but just by standing upright and staying conscious for four minutes, I can feel very very bad indeed. Now, try to stay with me; self destruction is a very human thing after all. I recommend listening to Tom Waits’ Come on up to the House a few times to get in the mood. That song happened to be the last song I ever played in a Christian Church; it seemed a good Christian hymn at the time: “Does life seem nasty, brutish and short /Come on up to the house..there's nothin in the world that you can do /you gotta come on up to the house /and you been whipped by the forces that are inside you”
Maybe I was having a few issues with the church about them going to throw me out at the time, hard to say. Anyway I thought it might be good to start testing the limits of this new body state; see what it takes to make it break. Of course, even if I go unconscious, I may not provoke a cardiac collapse. I do seem to be able to absorb a lot of punishment. But a dedicated program should steadily weaken the system. Earnest Becker says that much of what we derive anxiety from is our flight or denial of death. Indeed, collectively, when we put our immortality into a system which we believe will last forever, meeting another who has a different system in which they believe so strongly produces a clash. The hundreds of millions killed in the last century in order to oppose “evil” or fight for God, or fight for “right” shows a natural inclination in humans toward destruction. I am sure there is some connection between me and collective culture. Can't quite pin it down now but I always liked Barry McGuire’s Eve of Destruction (though not the white codpiece look) back in the days when protestors had faces like bricks and sang until the cords on their necks bulged: “hate your next door neighbor but don’t forget to say grace.”
Of course, this little blog piece may be hard to follow. You could say there seems to be a few logical leaps missing (or some freaking logic at all other than: humans destructive; you self destructive). DUH! Did you think self destructive depression makes people brilliant thinkers, nope, just makes them very FOCUSED thinkers.
I always wondered how I was dealing with the stress of all the crap sailing downstream these last few months. I mean, no minimum dose anti-depressant is THAT good. Sure I had my sobbing bits and my crying bits and my laughing bits and my buying weird stuff bits but it never really seemed like I had never really absorbed what was going on. I still don’t think I have. Last night I read two papers and both had at least 2-4 articles about sort of will-to-power, health-to-power and I realized that there won’t ever be an article in the paper about people like me; I have seen two articles in the paper about people with disabilities: one was about a man who willed himself from a spinal cord injury back to walking and running again through will power and determination and the other about a woman in a wheelchair who through will power and determination is getting better and better times as a wheelchair racer. There might be an article about someone in a wheelchair making lots of money too one day. Money, will power and success: the values of our society. Well, I can’t will-to-power getting better. But I can do it in order to get worse. Does that make me a success? Anyway, in keeping with that idea, how about Mad World from Donnie Darko (Don’t have a freaky rabbit telling me what to do yet, but I’ll keep an eye out).
Anyway, in control or not, I will be in and out of hospital for the next few days.
18 hours ago