Friday, March 30, 2007

Holy Week, Church gets mad at a chocolate Jesus while I have my Zombie Jesus film fest.

We are soon to enter what Organized Christianity refers to as Holy Week but what those of the Church of Beth refer to as Zombie week when Jesus, like my great aunt’s cat, fulfilled the qualifications for ascension to Zombie (namely returning from the dead). My great aunt’s cat did not perform any miracles, it just died and then came back, and I hung around with it while staying at my great aunt’s from 2am to 4am, which is when I was up. Being up from 2am to 4am was the reason a month later my great aunt told me that staying there “wasn’t working out” so you can see how Zombie week has a lot of memories for me about being misunderstood and alienated.

Another Canadian born artist has offended the Catholic Church by creating and exhibiting a life size sculpture of Jesus.....out of chocolate. What has irked the Catholic church beyond chocolate (theological reasons unclear on that one), is that Jesus is anatomically correct as he would have been hung on the cross. For a church that constantly uses the “male” aspect of God to validate keeping 51% of the world’s population out of significant church office, I would think they would be happy to see Jesus’ penis. But in the same way Christianity wants to say “Jesus was a human like all humans” and then starts to freak out when you ask what kind of nocturnal emissions Jesus got and what gave him hard-ons, the church is not quite ready to stand proudly behind Jesus’ penis, even a chocolate one. So, tortured and killed for our sins, yes. Peeing standing up – please let’s not mention it.

It also seems that they are upset because the sculptor suggested that people could “take a bite” of Jesus. Now that seems decidedly odd to get offended about; because first, it is a grand tradition of Zombie Jesus Week to talk about eating human flesh; Jesus went on and on about it; like in John 6:54 “Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life” (and in case you think people thought he was being ‘metaphorical’ in John 6:52, the people around were arguing with each other going, "How can this Man give us His flesh to eat?"). So the Catholic Church, which currently believes in transmigration (meaning that the wafer they give is magically turned into the ACTUAL human flesh of Jesus in your stomach) is upset because people are invited to “take a bite”. Errr....okay.

The Catholic League has decided to boycott the Rodger Smith hotel who owns the display gallery where chocolate Jesus is shown in order to “punish them” because “this is an assault on Christians...for any child holding his mother's hand to see.” So remember, Jesus was a human just like all you girls and boys (Well not like you boys because apparently he didn’t have a PENIS!), and making a sculpture out of chocolate during “holy week” is “an assault” because Jesus wasn’t about fun or happiness, just suffering, and becoming a zombie (you may not find the stuff about ascending to zombie in the traditional catholic liturgy: but died, rose a few days later walking around – hello, zombie! Or vampire I guess: Vampire Jesus, he did talk a LOT about blood). I think this puts the Catholic league firmly in the “killjoys” camp.

In you were wondering what I am doing, well lesbian Jesus and I (looks butch with no penis, you figure it out) are having an action film marathon during “holy” zombie week. I do have a “personal” relationship with Jesus, which mostly involves her hanging around my house telling me I need to get a widescreen TV and better snacks. Last night we watched Unleashed which is written by Luc Besson (of the Professional) because it was about redemption. Apparently the road to redemption for Jet Li is paved with beating up a LOT of guys, sometimes about 20 at a time. But it also stars Morgan Freeman as a blind piano tuner who teaches Danny (Jet Li) that there is more to life that hitting people. I think Jesus and I give it two thumbs up. Tonight is the Dutch Film, Memory of a Killer (also about redemption - lesbian Jesus LOVES films with that theme) about an reformed assassin with Alzheimer’s killing the people who assassinated a 12 year old girl while he can still remember who she was. Jesus is bringing popcorn.

Just to finish off for all those who might think I am just a bit “too cheeky” about the Christ and God’s sacrifice. I know that sacrifice and I know very well that scream at the end too. But that, you have to understand, that is something between Christ and me; go get your own personal relationship and stop trying to tell us how to have ours. But first off, just say it: “Died for all the sins, failings and fallings of all people because Jesus loved them so much” and then say “A chocolate sculpture of Jesus is unforgivable!” Now who is being a bit absurd?


areopagitica said...

In Brussels you can buy candy sweets of the Virgin Mary - you can even bite her head off. You can also but sweets in the shape of the mannekin-pis (little pissing boy who is the symbol of the city). In fact, because they are sold as part of a pick and mix, you can buy a mixture of both. It seemed a little odd but no-one seemed to be objecting or offended..

this is really kathz, by the way.

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Ah, but would they be angry if he was made of White chocolate?

tornwordo said...

I was going to write about this, but you did it so much better than I could have.

Wiccachicky said...

I like your personal relationship with Jesus. Sounds far more interesting than the ones I "had" early in my life.

hazel8500 said...

Best read I've had all month!
And at such a perfect time too you know, I just had a cyber exorcist try to rid me of my inner demons because I dare to connect to MY inner Jesus Zombie, who by the way appears to me in a diamond blue crystal space suit and carries a flaming whip.

Love her!

Penny Painkiller said...


Of course the christians are upset! Like you said, Jesus is not about having fun, but all about anguish, pain and suffering. This is a religion that has an instrument of execution as its symbol, what can you expect? I could go on about the possible connections between the Christian Right and death penalty, but I won't.

Anyway. I believe you got the terms mixed up: Transmigration is a form of reincarnation: which I don't think more than a few christian churches believe in. Transsubstantiation, on the other hand: is exactly what you described. I had it explained to me using the terms Essence and Accidence: Essence is what an object IS. Accidence is what it LOOKS LIK>E. Example: An object with the essence of an apple, but which is gray, shaped like a cube and tastes like gravy, is still an apple. An object that looks, tastes and feels like an apple, but with the essence of something else, is not an apple. At communion, the catholics believe, the bread and wine retains the accidence of bread and wine, but the essence is transsubstantiated into flesh and blood of a certain, well known jewish man. You get the picture. This is better explained in the wikipedia article, but for those readers who can't be bothered to look... yeah. And this is the church which condemns Harry Potter for doing witchcraft?

Elizabeth McClung said...

oh, I can't believe I mixed up those two terms - I am so ashamed, now lesbian Jesus is going to go and make me rent some Luc Besson film to make up for it (maybe the international version of The Professional where he takes the little girl on a few hits to "teach her"). Guess what the theme of that film is (because Luc Besson is super cool and I wish he was my adoptive father with guns) - yup, redemption.

Thanks for the comments - remember, when they say, Jesus is always with you, they don't usually mean when you take a shower - that's where I'm lucky!

Penny Painkiller said...

And, when we're on the subject of Jesus, let me quote from the Neil Gaiman short story "Fifteen Painted Cards from a Vampire Tarot:

"The Pope.

'This is my body', he said, two thousand years ago. 'This is my blood'.
It was the only religion that delivered exactly what it promised: life eternal for its adherents.
There are some of us alive today who remember him. And some of us claim that he was a messiah, and some think that he was just a man with very special powers. But that misses the point. Whatever he was, he changed the world."

Blasphemous? Perhaps. I haven't asked Neil permission to quote him here, but somehow I don't think he would mind.

marxalot said...

Here in PA, the local grocery store is selling a chocolate crucifix sans Jesus. I live near the Peep factory and I'm hoping it will inspire them to do a Peep Jesus.

Anonymous said...

UMMM... delicious chocolatey balls

Tyler said...

Tom Waits, anyone?

"Chocolate Jesus" is my favorite Tom Waits song EVER!

Check it out!