We are soon to enter what Organized Christianity refers to as Holy Week but what those of the Church of Beth refer to as Zombie week when Jesus, like my great aunt’s cat, fulfilled the qualifications for ascension to Zombie (namely returning from the dead). My great aunt’s cat did not perform any miracles, it just died and then came back, and I hung around with it while staying at my great aunt’s from 2am to 4am, which is when I was up. Being up from 2am to 4am was the reason a month later my great aunt told me that staying there “wasn’t working out” so you can see how Zombie week has a lot of memories for me about being misunderstood and alienated.
Another Canadian born artist has offended the Catholic Church by creating and exhibiting a life size sculpture of Jesus.....out of chocolate. What has irked the Catholic church beyond chocolate (theological reasons unclear on that one), is that Jesus is anatomically correct as he would have been hung on the cross. For a church that constantly uses the “male” aspect of God to validate keeping 51% of the world’s population out of significant church office, I would think they would be happy to see Jesus’ penis. But in the same way Christianity wants to say “Jesus was a human like all humans” and then starts to freak out when you ask what kind of nocturnal emissions Jesus got and what gave him hard-ons, the church is not quite ready to stand proudly behind Jesus’ penis, even a chocolate one. So, tortured and killed for our sins, yes. Peeing standing up – please let’s not mention it.
It also seems that they are upset because the sculptor suggested that people could “take a bite” of Jesus. Now that seems decidedly odd to get offended about; because first, it is a grand tradition of Zombie Jesus Week to talk about eating human flesh; Jesus went on and on about it; like in John 6:54 “Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life” (and in case you think people thought he was being ‘metaphorical’ in John 6:52, the people around were arguing with each other going, "How can this Man give us His flesh to eat?"). So the Catholic Church, which currently believes in transmigration (meaning that the wafer they give is magically turned into the ACTUAL human flesh of Jesus in your stomach) is upset because people are invited to “take a bite”. Errr....okay.
The Catholic League has decided to boycott the Rodger Smith hotel who owns the display gallery where chocolate Jesus is shown in order to “punish them” because “this is an assault on Christians...for any child holding his mother's hand to see.” So remember, Jesus was a human just like all you girls and boys (Well not like you boys because apparently he didn’t have a PENIS!), and making a sculpture out of chocolate during “holy week” is “an assault” because Jesus wasn’t about fun or happiness, just suffering, and becoming a zombie (you may not find the stuff about ascending to zombie in the traditional catholic liturgy: but died, rose a few days later walking around – hello, zombie! Or vampire I guess: Vampire Jesus, he did talk a LOT about blood). I think this puts the Catholic league firmly in the “killjoys” camp.
In you were wondering what I am doing, well lesbian Jesus and I (looks butch with no penis, you figure it out) are having an action film marathon during “holy” zombie week. I do have a “personal” relationship with Jesus, which mostly involves her hanging around my house telling me I need to get a widescreen TV and better snacks. Last night we watched Unleashed which is written by Luc Besson (of the Professional) because it was about redemption. Apparently the road to redemption for Jet Li is paved with beating up a LOT of guys, sometimes about 20 at a time. But it also stars Morgan Freeman as a blind piano tuner who teaches Danny (Jet Li) that there is more to life that hitting people. I think Jesus and I give it two thumbs up. Tonight is the Dutch Film, Memory of a Killer (also about redemption - lesbian Jesus LOVES films with that theme) about an reformed assassin with Alzheimer’s killing the people who assassinated a 12 year old girl while he can still remember who she was. Jesus is bringing popcorn.
Just to finish off for all those who might think I am just a bit “too cheeky” about the Christ and God’s sacrifice. I know that sacrifice and I know very well that scream at the end too. But that, you have to understand, that is something between Christ and me; go get your own personal relationship and stop trying to tell us how to have ours. But first off, just say it: “Died for all the sins, failings and fallings of all people because Jesus loved them so much” and then say “A chocolate sculpture of Jesus is unforgivable!” Now who is being a bit absurd?
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