Sunday, February 25, 2007

Wheelchair lingerie, pole dancing, spring nudity: a new direction for Beth

Spring is in the air and don’t you hate those people who gloat just because they happen to live somewhere where flowers are already in bloom (like these two blocks from my house). Gee, how nice it must be to be me looking at fresh blooming flowers instead of endless snow and the grey snow-sludge covering everything. That’s because I live in the Canadian version of California; sadly being Canadian means it’s only worth 80% of the American equivalent. So that translates as more rain, less smog and smaller surf waves.

All this sunshine has got me to thinking about how the new and not so improved Beth (I want to use the term “degenerated”, but so many people have already used it to describe me under different circumstances) needs to reinvent her life. That and Victoria city’s new Tourism Campaign whose slogan is (I kid you not) “Your search for the perfect orgasm is over.” This is supposed to be advertising the culinary diversity in Victoria and already has Seattle refusing to run the ads because they seem to think people are going to assume it refers to something other than food. Though, as a resident of the city, I think this slogan far surpasses the “more British than the British” previous slogan, “Lie back and think of the Queen.” Before moving on, I have to say that I believe the Tourism department stole this idea from me; as I like to think that, at least on the internet, no one promotes orgasms in Victoria more than I do (at least for women). Oh wait, I forgot to tell you my idea: What combines lust (another Victoria city slogan is “Lust for fine fare”), orgasms, spring sunshine and me? It’s Nudity, silly! And lingerie.

I can’t understand why this didn’t occur to me before; I have this finely developed (albeit overdeveloped on the right side) body and a future of inactivity. Plus, I have returned from two trips to the US having spent significant money at Victoria Secret. At Victoria Secret I bought a lot of “sleep top” tees, you know the thin body hugging cotton ones where you ask one of the women working at Victoria Secret if these are sleep or outer wear and they say, “Oh, they work great either way.” But if you ask any OTHER woman about the top she says, “Well you COULD wear it outside...I guess.” I have already begun to wear the body and curve hugging expanded handkerchiefs called t-shirts out on my daily walks. Normally, I would be a bit more shy, but the whole threat emotional rollercoaster of death/coma/disability have washed that inhibition right out of me (maybe something about repeatedly having strangers removing my clothing while on the floor gasping for air helped). Now, I’m more like, “Dang, why didn’t I get a matching thong to go with these ultra low hip jeans,” cause nothing says “what me, I’ve got no issues!” than a woman in her 30’s having a string thong as undies publicly emerging up out her bum crack. I call this Stage 1 and have already put it into effect (there WOULD be pictures if Linda would ever agree to take them instead of saying, “You went out like that? Again?”)

Like on Thursday when I went out to feed the squirrels (the reason I am telling you this now is that all that walking made me kinda tired which is why I didn’t really get up on Friday until 10 p.m. – and before you get all “boo hoo, you got to stay in bed” remember – I sleep on the FLOOR). Squirrels, however are not interested in your body curved or your boosted bust as much as the smell of peanuts on your hands. Since spring comes early, many of the squirrels were already playing in the trees, chasing another scent entirely (oh sweet, sweet squirrel sex). But there were a few young hungry and old fat ones left to keep me busy. I like squirrels because we have a very defined relationship: they come to me because they are hungry, I give them an unshelled peanut, they open and eat the peanut leaving a mess everywhere and then if they are still hungry they come back and I give them another peanut. What do I get out it? Well, in squirrel land, the woman who holds the peanuts is least until her bag of peanuts run out.

On Thursday I ran into many squirrels, but not so many humans which is I why I am going to start implementation of Stage 2. Haven’t you ever asked yourself, “gee, I have all this nice lingerie and no one ever gets to see it but me?” I think you might see where I am going with this. Yes, since I have to stay home most of the time, I am planning to make the McClung condo a skin and lingerie zone (our heating is included in the rent). Start out the day with some light toning exercises next to our open bay windows using the pole I will convince Linda to install for support. No, no, no, not nude pole dancing without curtains....toning exercising with support bar; please try to use the appropriate viewpoint. It is also looking like, miracle notwithstanding, I will be picking up a wheelchair for the near future. I am leaning toward Colours in Motion since they are cool, efficient, and apparently make women look hot (that’s what their website says!). Actually it’s because they are small company made up of shareholders of people with mobility issues who come up with solutions for people with mobility issues. Wait, back to the lingerie and me reclaiming my life by showing a lot of skin. So this is how I envision life. I get up, have my shower, pick my sexy underwear and bra of the day, and then do my work at the computer in the wheelchair (because it will more comfortable than any chairs in our house, which we got free from dumps, and so I can answer the door without having to get up, in case I can’t, and to avoid passing out, which also happens).

How will this improve my life and my self esteem? Dramatically! First, I expect our landlady/prison guard won’t be knocking on my door so often to ask “Have you made sure you compacted your cardboard correctly before recycling” or “Are you aware of the new policy forbidding guests sleeping overnight during major holidays?” when I roll to the door in my light green “Angels by Victoria” collection. Also, my mailman has been rather lax in delivering my packages from overseas. I expect after I answer his door knocks in Body by Victoria Babydoll a few times, that my packages will be delivered promptly and at earliest speed. I might even end up getting other peoples packages.

That’s pretty much as far as I’ve gotten with the plan; don’t give in to despair by flaunting my body and using my strangely impressive collection of revealing tops and lingerie. The wheelchair’s real use is so that I can go back outside again and do things like go to the mall or shopping unaccompanied (something I haven’t been able to do yet THIS YEAR). If I get exhausted, I don’t need to find a bench. If I get oxygen deprived, I have a portikit in a backpack. I can start going out clubbing, I go out with people to eat, I can go to parties. I think this short club dance video will give you an idea of what my life will hopefully soon look like (except that it will be in a lesbian bar and those will be three WOMEN dancing around me and running their hands over me – the video only misses the end bit where Linda comes out and wheels me off the floor demanding, “Are you going to flirt with EVERY woman here?” while I have this big old grin on my face)


Sober @ Sundown said...

Is there any way to hook up a camera to catch the expression of the landlady when she sees you in your light green “Angels by Victoria” lingerie? That would be priceless.

Hang in there, my friend.

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

I love the pragmatism of squirrels. I think I would choose the smell of peanuts over squirrel sex any day. But then, of course, I'm not a squirrel.
If you ever do take up wheel chair pole dancing, we want to see videos. This sort of thing should be documented.

kathz said...

I'm just saying hallo having been busy with work, family, etc - and I note it's a few days since you posted. I always look forward to your next post.

Elizabeth McClung said...

I am trying to post but Blogger has labelled my blog a SPAM blog - ????? what? If the spam I got was this well written, or even in recognizable sentences I might be more interested in spam - also I have not once offered to enlarge anyone's anything - SPAM? Please!